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Original poster

Would you judge this family ?

124 replies

Mahoganie · 12/11/2018 18:02

Large family. Mum with ASD
Kids all happy and polite, well looked after.
Lots of support needed though. Cleaner, gardener and support with children
Father works full time

Would you think everything’s ok orwould you assume that even though it all seems ok there must be an issue somewhere and think that the high level of help needed is a concern ?

OP posts:

SoyDora · 12/11/2018 19:59

It's only on MN that people have a raft of help, in real life SAHPs don't need childcare, gardener, cleaner etc as they have no job so no reason not to just the everyday adult stuff

You know that people on MN are people in real life too?

Original poster

Mahoganie · 12/11/2018 20:00

They do socialise some of the childcare was actually to help with an after school activity as 2 are at the same time and I can’t be in two places at once

OP posts:

radioband · 12/11/2018 20:04

Sounds normal to me and if I could afford a cleaner and gardener I'd easily have it. If Social services get involved they're likely to not pursue things from what you're saying. The kids don't sound like they need safeguarding from any harm.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 12/11/2018 20:04

Sorry for multiple posts but I just remembered feeling judged when DS1 was 6 weeks old or so. The health visitor was still coming out every so often but she was a pain cos woukd never give me any idea of time or ring ahead to say she was on her way. DS’s routine at the time was to have a bottle at 6.30, stay awake for a bit and then have a nap at around 9-9.30 for an hour or so and I would have a shower then.

A couple of times she came at 10 Ish to find me still in my night clothes cos I’d just put DS down for a nap and was going to have a shower. Those times my mum happened to be paying a social visit (first grand child in the family and she was obsessed so came round a couple of times a week!) and to the HV it must have looked like I couldn’t cope. I can just imagine in her head “she’s in her night clothes till mid-morning and has to have her mum here so she can get a shower” etc etc.

Now if she had let me know when she was coming I woukd have made sure that a) I was showered and dressed and b) my mum came after the HV had gone but seeing as she never gave me a time I was buggered if I was going to change my routine to suit her!

I’m convinced she carried on visiting me longer than she woukd have done otherwise because of her perceptions. When DS2 was born I was much more assertive about telling her that she needn’t visit.

TuckMyWin · 12/11/2018 20:05

Also, OP, I really don't think that the support you have is in any way abnormal. You may well feel that you need it because of your ASD. But I guarantee you plenty of neurotypical folk have the same level of support, either because they feel they need it, or simply because they want it. I can understand that this is upsetting, I'd be beside myself in your situation, but I really don't think you have anything to worry about, or that you should worry about it. Your GP is bonkers.

hmmwhatatodo · 12/11/2018 20:07

I can’t see anything wrong with your situation so unless you’re going to tell us that you’ve got 10 children then I’ll either assume there’s more to the story than you’re letting on or the GP has got the wrong end of the stick.

Petalflowers · 12/11/2018 20:08

I wondered the same as Squirrels, ie. maybe the doctor was trying to help, not interfere.

If I heard you had a cleaner, gardener, and childcare, I would probably be envious you could afford it, and that it would give you time to do nice things. I wouldn’t judge thinking you couldn’t cope.

bumblenbean · 12/11/2018 20:16

Completely reasonable amount of help for anyone, ASD or not!

I have 2 very young children 11 months apart and although I’m on maternity leave I have help from a nanny. I expect some people would judge that, but it works for us.

Sounds like your setup works fine for you and your family OP and that’s what matters.

crunchydatola · 12/11/2018 21:18

I am super not following whatever this thread is about.
But I think it's great if you're employing a load of people, OP. To do honest work (that happens to help you run the house). And sounds like you are doing so out of your own earned money. So nothing to criticise there.

ReanimatedSGB · 12/11/2018 21:46

It's definitely the case that some (stupid) people think that it's somehow wrong to pay for domestic help. No, it isn't. Domestic work is mostly tedious shitwork, and paying someone to do it is fine as long as you can afford to pay a fair wage.
The whole of human society is pretty much founded on getting other people to do the shitwork - and getting them to do it for little or no pay by convincing them that it's their natural destiny (if these people are the ones called 'women', especially). Scrubbing floors and making meals becomes a little less tedious to do every day when you're getting paid for it.

jarhead123 · 12/11/2018 21:48

I'd judge they had money to pay for help. Thats all though.

Shortyboo · 12/11/2018 21:48

Op - are you jealous?

Shortyboo · 12/11/2018 21:50

Or is the person with all the help you and this is a reverse?

Justmuddlingalong · 12/11/2018 21:52

Ffs. Rtft.

Breakfastmuffins · 12/11/2018 21:52

Op - are you jealous?

Rtft!

Original poster

Mahoganie · 12/11/2018 23:00

Yes it is me. I don’t know what a reverse is sorry
I just feel like the gp would t have thought anything of it but for the fact I have ASD since diagnosis things seem different and I feel as though I’m treated like ‘the autistic patient’ and everything is because of my asd rather than treating me like everyone else

OP posts:

Original poster

Mahoganie · 12/11/2018 23:03

Sorry I can see what you meant now. No it’s not a deliberate reverse I was writing the first post just to try and get an opinion with just the minimum facts i think

OP posts:

Alwayscheerful · 12/11/2018 23:55

Op I am not sure how many children you have and how big your home is but to run a large home and garden efficiently you need help with at least gardening, window cleaning, ironing and occasional babysitting daytime or evening. If you can afford it why wouldn't you have help in place to make life in your home run efficiently?
Just a thought from the Royal thread where we ponder the lives of William and Kate, do you think having staff mean they are unable to cope? No the staff are there to help them cope.
It really depends on your standards, some folks are happy to live in chaos, others strive for an ordered existence. It takes effort and planning to run a home smoothly.

EnidButton · 13/11/2018 05:09

I think it's perfectly fine too. In fact it's a good thing that you've identified areas you need help and got that help. Everything is going well because you have made sure it is. That's coping.

If you were trying to do everything yourself and, for whatever reason, failing to do so, that'd be 'not coping'.

I agree, I don't think they would've have suggested it if you didn't have ASD. Also don't think they would've said it if you were male.

I hope they gave you treatment for your migraines. Don't let them use the lazy diagnosis of stress to fob you off. So many GPs seem to tell women their pain is stress or anxiety so doesn't need the medical attention it would if it was a man complaining of the same thing.
Yes it's sometimes stress and being more relaxed helps everything but you told them you weren't stressed and it doesn't sound like they listened. Migraines are horrible.

RolandDeschainsGilly · 13/11/2018 06:15

What?

I have ASD. Also depression and anxiety.

I’m at Uni full time, so my 3DC are in childcare full time. I have a cleaner twice a week because I want to spend my weekends and evenings with my DC and not dashing around doing boring household stuff. No gardener because we have a slabbed garden.

Get a grip.

RolandDeschainsGilly · 13/11/2018 06:19

Sorry, hit post due to toddler climbing all over me.

Get a grip. You’re doing all the right things. GP is a dick. Mine suggested getting a cleaner to take some of the strain off me. I also have a Family Support Worker due to middle DD also having ASD and she also thinks my set up is fantastic.

picklemepopcorn · 13/11/2018 07:20

I would guess the GP is trying to make sure you are sufficiently supported- you may be eligible for things you don't currently have, your children may be eligible for a support club of some kind etc.

You have said that you need a lot of additional resources to manage everyday life. Maybe the GP is trying to make sure you aren't missing any!

BlackeyedGruesome · 13/11/2018 07:32

people judge. find out one thing about you and stereotype.

single parent, dv victim, large family, disability.

my friend for example is treated as think as if her brains fell out when her legs stopped working.

people judge single parent here. make assumptions. though I type like I am rather lacking in the intelligence department, that is more poorly coordinated fingers

Bluntness100 · 13/11/2018 07:44

I'm also wondering if he was trying to help and there was some form of miscommunication here. Between his comment and your interpretation. Or your comments and his interpretation.

He asked about your coping and you all but told him you needed help, but what he's heard is it's a lot of help, and you need it. He will want to help you. But maybe what you said and what he heard are two different things.

How many kids do you have op? And what age are they?

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