Would you judge this family ?

[Mahoganie]

Large family. Mum with ASD
Kids all happy and polite, well looked after.
Lots of support needed though. Cleaner, gardener and support with children
Father works full time

Would you think everything’s ok orwould you assume that even though it all seems ok there must be an issue somewhere and think that the high level of help needed is a concern ?

I have asd so know the struggle of not wanting to deal with random strangers in the house! Could the problem (in the GPs eyes) be you need that whereas others it's a luxury. Or could the gp have misinterpreted it when you were talking about if you were stressed when you brought up the help?

OK, firstly I wondered if for some reason this support was being provided by the NHS and that was why it is somehow the GP's business. But you say that it is not. In which case I wonder what the GP thinks s/he is doing, criticising your domestic arrangements. Unfortunately there are some people who are completely opposed to the idea of women paying anyone else to do childcare or housework, because they think that women have a moral duty to do shitwork uncomplainingly, for no money.
Please bear in mind that by employing people to clean, do your garden and spend time with your children, you are giving them a wage and contributing to the local economy.

Unless there is something you haven't mentioned, like DC having problems at school or someone raising safeguarding concerns, this GP needs to be told to keep his/her fucking beak out of what is none of his/her business.

The gp asked about stress and sleep etc and I had said how I’m ok as have help with things but then that’s all we seemed to talk about. What help how much how often ..

tell them your coping because you have help

If kids are ok in school no one is going to bat an eyelid. Are any of them asd? If any assessment is offered find out more about it. If it seems helpful have a look, if not turn it down. They cant force you unless kids at risk or in need, but don't turn help away without checking if you could use it. Sounds like you are doing a grand job.

I really can't see that it's any of this professional's business. Unfortunately, in every walk of life you get that kind of martyr by proxy. As you said yourself, you've identified the help you need, sourced it and pay for it with your own money. I don't understand how it would benefit anyone (least of all your children!) if you reduced the amount of help you were buying in to a point at which you were no longer coping. I think you can safely ignore this professional.

does dp work long hrs?

Yes they are all fine
Everything is going ok. Except migraines that’s why I went to the gp but the rest is ok but now I’m over analysing things

Yes quite long hours weekdays and then there’s a rota for weekends so sometimes he works a whole weekend too but he helps when he’s here

Sounds like you are doing great. Loads of people have a cleaner and a gardiner - the go probably does too!

And the help with the kids is also quite common - grandparents etc. Nannies for those on a higher income.

I haven’t heard any red flags in what you have posted.

Unless there has been a referral to ss o would just forget it.

No I wouldn't judge this family.

The first thing I would say is that if they do assess you, don't worry. Social services were actually way more empathetic & congratulatory on how we managed than anywhere else. They are trained to find solutions to problems, and as you have found them, they will be more than happy with that. I went into my assessment feeling small and afraid and ashamed that people thought we needed intervention... And left it feeling proud. The woman assessing made clear how impressed she was that we had done so well despite all the odds, and found workarounds for everything that was difficult, with my DD happy and well attached. Don't stress, if your kids are happy services have higher priorities.

I feel like since the ASD diagnosis that nothing I say or do is taken at face value that people who know always assume
things aren’t or can’t be ok when actually I’m ok I just have ASD if that makes sense
I avoid things that cause me problems and have got a set up that works

They’ve obviously decided your migraines are due to stress and then found evidence to support it.

I get migraines and my children are grown up and don't live at home anymore. Migraines can be hormonal.

As a suggestion - maybe change gp. If this gp is making you uneasy by questioning with possible underlying assumption that you are not coping.
There is a lot of ignorance surrounding ASD. Even with professionals. Because of the role and power a gp has I would be wary.

You are not overthinking. You have unease which may or may not be warranted.

No I would not judge this family, I would be glad they were recieving some extra support x

I wouldn't give it any more thought op. Just say no to the CAF on the basis that you wouldn't get any help anyway.

I say this as someone who begged for more help caring for my disabled son, and agreed to a referral to SS on the basis that 'I wasn't coping' and nothing came of it.

I did eventually get more respite care but that took two more appeals and very nearly broke me in a way that made caring for my son seem easy!

Goodness no, if they are all fed watered clean and happy I wouldn't care less

I think the GPS suggestion re a CAF is a good one. If a family can't cope without all that support when one adult is at home then the children should be checked on by professionals.

It's only on MN that people have a raft of help, in real life SAHPs don't need childcare, gardener, cleaner etc as they have no job so no reason not to just the everyday adult stuff.

“It's only on MN that people have a raft of help, in real life SAHPs don't need childcare, gardener, cleaner etc as they have no job so no reason not to just the everyday adult stuff.”

And who made you the boss of society?

There are plenty of SAHPs who are wealthy enough to use their time going to the gym, doing hobbies, getting hair done, beauty treatments, waking the dog, going for coffee/lunch with friends, volunteering. It’s totally up to them if they employ a cleaner, a gardener and have a couple of hours childcare a week.

OP, I am sorry you feel judged by the GP. It IS a judgement, but it’s wrong. The only concern they should be raising is if your children were not having their needs met but it sounds like they are.

The only thing that they may raise their eyebrow at is if the children don’t get any socialising opportunities/fresh air/exercise other than at school, if you don’t leave the house much. (If any are geeky teens they may not want to anyway! )

I don’t have ASD but that would get my back up.

Is it possible the GP was just trying to help, but you’ve interpreted it as interference/judgement? Possibly the GP thought you’d be eligible for support?

So, I'm not massively au fait with the terminology or process, but as I understand it a CAF is a process whereby various authorities can decide whether additional support is needed to meet a child/Young person's needs. So, in this instance, the GP is proposing doing a CAF because....you're already getting any support you may or may not need to meet your children's needs. I don't get it. What are they hoping to achieve? Social services, or whoever, are hardly going to look at you and say, yep, I agree she needs support (if they even think you do), so, tell you what, let's us pay for it instead of her paying for it herself....

Unlike a previous poster, I don't think you should get yourself a new GP, I think you should hang on to this one because they seem to have a LOT of time on their hands to waste and that's a rare thing these days ;)

But seriously OP. No, I wouldn't judge you. And I think your GP is being ridiculous.

You're making perfect sense OP.

You're only doing what loads of the NT people do all the time, except you think that because you have ASD, you are being judged differently.

Just going by what you've written, your GP sounds bananas. A cleaner once a week, a gardener once a month, online shopping and childcare three times a week sounds absolutely normal for a family on a good income.