Desparate for a hand hold

[Mississippilessly]

DS is 8 weeks. He doesnt sleep as much as the guides say he should (he has done 11.5 hrs today so far) My friend has just sent me a 181 page sleep schedule and it has sent me into a complete spiral. He is fussy feeding. He had a nap in his crib today but normally will only nap in his sling. Am i supposed to be doing bedtime now? That means i have to stay in my bedroom in the dark?
DH wanted to go for a drink tonight, would mean not back til 9. He is away with work tomorrow.night. i so want to be ok with him goig but i feel crippled with anxiety. I just want to sob.

I have no idea what I am doing.

Ok first of all take a deep breath. Wtf is a sleep schedule and why is it 181 pages long?
Most babies do not sleep to schedule. Yes in an ideal world your baby will nap 4 x a day for an hour at a time or whatever it says. However, most babies do not.
My baby never slept longer than 30 mins. It used to take me 40 mins to get him to sleep and he used to sleep for less time than it took me to actually get him to sleep!
If he sleeps in the sling, then do that. If he sleeps in his pushchair, do that. Do what works for you.
I don’t think I did a bed time until my baby was 2-3 months old but I can’t really remember to be honest. I used to just keep him up with me then we would go to bed together.
Try not to put so much pressure on yourself, your baby is not the same as your friends baby. There is nothing “wrong” with your baby because he isn’t sleeping the same amounts as other people’s babies. Also if he’s fussy right now he could be in the middle of a leap. Try downloading the wonder weeks app, it makes sense when you see your baby is being a pain in the butt it will explain why.
Also- NOBODY knows what they are doing when they have a baby. You. Can. Do. This. xxxx

Oh you poor love!

Throw away the sleep schedule, your baby is far too little for that. Let him sleep when he wants. I know what its like, I spent so much time worrying about my baby sleeping when he was actually fine but I had become obsessed about what the Internet said he should be doing!

Can he sleep in his crib downstairs while you watch TV? That's what I did from about 12 weeks; I would feed him at 6.30pm and put him down in his crib and rock him to sleep and then bring him upstairs when I was going to bed. Of course he didn't always sleep in his crib and definitely at 8 weeks, he slept on me a lot. It's fine for them to sleep on you/in a sling at that age. The internet will make you think that if your baby sleeps on you even once that you will still be cosleeping when they are 14, it's not true.

Sweetheart put down that document who has the time! Deep breath do what works best for you and the baby go with you're gut. Mine was a shocking sleeper, you have to lower your expectations nap when baby does ignore housework, say no to guests do what's best for you if you can get out for a walk that will help - that and showers! You can do this

For some a schedule suits and for others it doesn't.
I was poorly as a new mum and relied heavily on a schedule which my dd more or less followed. But experience has shown me that wasn't The Way for everyone.
You'll probably fall into a pattern that works for you but that will because it suits. And then as different stages happen you will change your sort of pattern.
Be kind to yourself and don't beat yourself up.

A 181 page sleep manual? What the hell is that? Are you supposed to read it to your baby?

I think you should ask your health visitor if you can have an appointment as you're needing a bit of advice.

Please don't sit in the dark!

What? Are we talking of a book? 181 pages of instructions... if a book, read the first chapter, use what you believe will work for you and your baby and bin the rest (actually, go to chapter 2 if chapter one worked).

The first few weeks are very hard work but things get easier as they grow up a bit and do not need feeding so frequently.

Personally, I had the kind of child that went beserk on a sling (it over estimulated him) so what worked for him was actually giving him a bit of peace. He cried 3 minutes on the first night when I put him to bed, 2 in the second one and on the third he just got the gist of it and go to sleep after a good feed.

Some babies are better if left to sleep as and when they want, some others find the structure of a routine reassuring. I tried the sling, co sleeping, rocking him to sleep, having a cot next to my bed but what worked better for him was to go to sleep undisturbed in a grobag, in his cot in the dark... so go figure.

Fuck. All. Of. That.

My DD1 never slept as much as they’re “meant” to. She never did bedtime “properly” until she was 18months (would normally fall asleep on me and then I would put her in our bed). She hated the cot with the fiery heat of a thousand suns. She’s 4 now and sleeps like a norm in a bed and does bed time no issues.

He’s 8 weeks. Relax. Do what works best for you and is easiest and gives you the least anxiety.

My 10 month old is asleep on me where he will remain while I chill out and then come to bed with me. I did routine routine routine for my first but it's not easy and every baby is different. If you're feeling so upset take a different approach. Chuck manuals and just cuddle and chill out. Every stage passes and your baby is small. You've got this just go a bit easier on yourself firstly!!

None of us know what we are doing, you just have to wing it!

My DS is 5 weeks. He sleeps when he needs too which can be anything from 10 minutes to 3.5 hours at the moment, today he's probably had about 5 hours in total. The last two day's he's decided he doesn't like the moses basket during the day, he wants to sleep on someone. All of this is normal and at some point we'll get into a more settle routine as will your DS.

Baby is tiny and will only sleep on you? Go with it. Enjoy your snuggles. Don't worry about sitting in the dark upstairs, baby should be having all naps/sleeping in the same as you until 6mo (SIDS guidelines) so let him sleep on you on the sofa and relax with a box set. Take him up to bed when you go up. I did the same with both my two and I have v fond memories of evenings cuddling my baby on the sofa, and reminding DH Ona regular basis that it was his responsibility to make cups of tea and fetch biscuits as I was looking after the baby!

None of us know what we're doing, baby hasn't read the same manual, take each day at a time and go with what works at that moment.

When my baby nevvvver slept and I was desperately reading everything I could, she said to me “remember babies can’t read, they don’t no what a manual says they are supposed to do!” And that stuck with me more than anything. I no it’s hard, but your baby is tiny and she will do what she wants to, no matter how many books you read!
My daughter was the worlds worst sleeper, she even had a sleep study in hospital to check why she didn’t sleep and I had terrible anxiety because of it! However at some point I just had to think you know what I just need to go with the flow because it stressed me out more when I think about sleep constantly and my little girl used to pick up on the stress of me.
I no how hard it is but don’t stress yourself out more with what your baby should be doing.

Sorry I meant to say my health visitor told me that!

The first few months are bloody hard going with a baby, don’t be so hard on yourself about what you think you and baby should be be doing. Do what works for you as a family.

My first DC followed pretty much a four hour feeding schedule and slept through from 10pm-6am from about 6weeks, I thought I was an amazing parent and when other friends complained about lack of sleep etc then they just hadn’t got a good enough routine.

DC2 arrived three years later and he definitely didn’t get the memo about what he should be doing. Much like your situation he didn’t sleep much at all during the day and woke several times during the night, naps were only half an hour at a time and he took an age to get off. We used to keep him downstairs with us till we were ready for bed then try and get him to sleep in his crib, didn’t always work and I used to get so frustrated until it finally dawned on me that he is his own person and we have to work with that and what works for him so now even though he’s younger he goes to bed later than DC1 as he jst needs less sleep.

My advice would be ditch the manuals and go with the flow so you can all be a lot more relaxed and happy. Enjoy your baby while they’re little as it’s such a cliche but the time goes sooooo quick

And I still have no idea what I’m doing, jst winging it constantly!!
In answer to your question, no I wouldn’t be doing “bedtime” as such at 8 weeks. We did a bath at about 6/7 then would put night clothes on and jst have them in the living room with us as we watched tv until we were ready to go up, DC1 would sleep in the Moses basket until then and DC2 would either be awake or asleep on me till our bedtime.

I can't advise on sleep patterns but hand hold, you're coping as best you can

Gosh you are all so lovely. Thank you.

Problem is the only way he will really sleep is in the sling. He will sometimes fall asleep on me but its hit and miss. In the sling he can sleep up to 4 hrs. So when he woke from his last nap at 5.30 i thought getting him to nap at 7pm would be daft - it means a midnight bedtime.
Ive put him to bed. Now I dont know what to do with myself!!

My four month old screams and screams unless he's with me when tierd, he's now asleep but on my lap.
Bin the book and relax, baby will sleep when ready and will be okay. Breathe.
Set the bar lower, - as long as baby us clean, fed n happy - then your doing amazing!

I really want to hug you right now. Throw the sleep schedule away. In fact throw away and schedules you have relating to baby. The only schedule you need right now is for a break.
Babies set their own schedules with just about everything. You just need to go with the flow. From about 6-8 weeks old babies tend to sort of ‘wake up’ a lot more. They suddenly go from being more placid to ‘im in charge mum!’ Your baby is only small still so can sleep pretty much anywhere. A snug on the floor, pram, bed, cot. Just lay a blanket under baby so if you need to move your baby, ie upstairs, you can carry baby up like in a snug hammock. Then gently place in new area. My baby only falls asleep in the pram. Obviously we can’t carry pram upstairs so we hammock her upstairs once she’s in a deep sleep.
If it helps, try and make a note of feeds and sleeps, just to see if there’s a pattern. If there is, at least you can bagsy one of the sleep times for yourself to just relax in a bath or watch tv. This stage is so short lived I promise.
My dd1 is 21 now. Time has flown by. My dd2 is only 7 months and I remember so clearly the 6-8 week age. Trust yourself and your own instincts. Who has time to read books with a baby to take care of? xxxx

Ah bless you. Children have survived for thousands of years without a 181 page sleep guide! Only place for that is in the bin!!!!

Your baby has no idea he needs to keep to
a schedule either! What silliness and not helpful of your friend at all.

And he is way too young to have a proper rhythm.

Please don’t worry he will sleep and eat when he needs it.

My ds2 did not like sleeping. Was awake all day from just a few weeks old! And Guess what he is now 14 and still needs very little sleep.

His older brother who was still napping at the age of 6 is now 18 and still needs lots of sleep!

They are all different. I hope you are feeling a little bit more reassured now.

Ohhh, I remember this!

My first was like clockwork, slept for hours, lulled me into a false sense of security...

My second decided he didn't like the Moses basket after 4wks and would only sleep in his car seat in the lounge/kitchen, wherever I was until it was bedtime.

Babies are individuals and have their own preferences.
At 8wks he's tiny still; just go with what suits him for now. You have plenty of time yet to get him into routines, if that's what you want to do.

You have my sympathy! It's so bloody hard to start off with. My personal opinion is that sleep books are fine for those babies that are of a similar personality to the hypothetical baby in the book. My baby was in no way similar to the hypothetical baby! He wouldn't "self settle" he hated the Moses basket, would only sleep on me, never napped as much as the books said he should.

I drove myself mad trying to get DS to respond to the stupid book training and none of it ever blimmin worked! In the end my mum told me to throw away the books, Trust my instincts and do what I needed to do to cope.

Your baby is still tiny, everything is a phase at this stage. Do whatever YOU think works best without worrying about what anyone else thinks, don't worry about the books and don't worry about a "rod for your own back". The decisions you make now are not permanent and they don't have to be how you do things forever.

If the sling works then use the sling! The sling is fine! You could always try one pram walk a day at a time baby seems tired to see if you can encourage a pram nap but I'd keep it short and give up quickly if it's not working (or take sling with you and swap if needs be).

You've got this. This too shall pass.

Chuck the sleep schedule, it was probably intended to make you sleep! There is some great advice on here, and I echo the PP who said you've got this.

I feel utterly lost. I have DS frantically feeding on me. DH came home rather than the pub so I feel hugely guilty. I am utterly lost.

It’s not you that needs to read the sleep guide, but the baby. If they can’t read it, Chuck it.

You’re doing fine.