Desparate for a hand hold

[Mississippilessly]

DS is 8 weeks. He doesnt sleep as much as the guides say he should (he has done 11.5 hrs today so far) My friend has just sent me a 181 page sleep schedule and it has sent me into a complete spiral. He is fussy feeding. He had a nap in his crib today but normally will only nap in his sling. Am i supposed to be doing bedtime now? That means i have to stay in my bedroom in the dark?
DH wanted to go for a drink tonight, would mean not back til 9. He is away with work tomorrow.night. i so want to be ok with him goig but i feel crippled with anxiety. I just want to sob.

I have no idea what I am doing.

I tried putting him to bed at 7. I got him off to sleep but he only lasted an hr. So what do I do with him now?
If he slept laying down I could do the hammock idea but he only does this at night in his crib.

Feeding baby is a happy baby. Your doing a great job op.
I remember crying for four fours with baby at 6 weeks old because he wouldn't stop crying. I had to phone my mom to come rescue me! We have all been there

My darling please throw away that manual remember you are the mum of a beautiful individual child. Go with what you think is right if they want to sleep on you or in a sling etc that is fine. I have brought up 2 children and have helped with 5 grandchildren. No child will follow a pattern. You are doing fine, hubby should come home and help remember he is dad.

What is your immediate concern OP? Are you feeling generally down and/or anxious? It might be worth making an appointment with your GP to chat through your feelings at the moment.

Post Natal Depression is really, really common and (if there is something like that going on) there is help out there. It will get better.

If baby is awake just take him downstairs with you and hold him/feed him until you want to go to bed. Tag team with DH so you get a break. It's completely fine not to have any sort of routine at this stage.

My DS stayed downstairs with me until I went up to bed until he was 6 months old. Sometimes he slept in the sleepyhead/crib sometimes he slept on me or DH. It changed in time, now he sleeps in his own bed in the evening without incident.

It won't always be this way.

He may be having a grow the spurt, hence the feeding frantically.

At this stage it really is just feed/sleep (or nap)/feed.

You're doing just fine, he wants to be near you and feed/snuggle with his Mum as he needs.

I told 2 GPs I am feeling anxious - they just said that all new mums so.

In worried that he doesnt sleep enough. Sometimes his feeding is erratic and he gets all frenetic and cries. He doesnt cry that much - he is generally quite happy.

I feel like everyone else has got it sorted and I am clueless. I dont know what to do with him in the evenings - if i try to get him off in the sling he could go for hrs. I feel like i spend my whole life getting him off to sleeo rather than enjoying him at all.
It says they should have minimum 15.5 hrs sleep a day. DS has had 12 and a quarter. I dont understand how he can sleep more

*growth spurt that should read!

Take a step back and take a big breath! At 11 weeks they still don't have a schedule so you are doing nothing wrong.

My advice is to go with the flow for now, we waited until after the 4 month sleep regression had passed before trying to make sense of anything! Eventually they will settle into a bedtime but at that age we would bath DS, pop a clean onesie on him and settle him into his Moses basket in the living room with us until we were ready to go up to bed. His last feed was at 11pm upstairs with us and would then sleep until about 3/4am when he woke for his night feed.

After the 4 month sleep regression we then swapped to bath and then feed and bed upstairs (we went back downstairs and popped the monitor on) at about 7/8 he still woke for his 11pm feed.

Overtime his bedtimes shifted and his sleep patterns became more obvious but still throws us curveballs to keep us on our toes. Every baby is different and has different sleep needs and they learn at their own pace.

Bin the manual and just go along with it all for now.

Don't worry about how much sleep he 'should' have; if he's tired, he'll sleep.

You might have ended up with a wakeful baby, some of them are. 🙂

And yes, pretty much all new mums are anxious, so don't worry about being anxious. Most people look like they're sorted but most are just winging it. I know I did.

I had an arsehole non sleeping velcro baby. Like you all I did was count the non hours of sleep. Throw the bastard book away and just muddle through. Babies don't remember Jack shit so as long as your feeding and cuddling muddle on through any which way until sleep happens. It will happen.

Have you got a health visitor? I think you should ask them for a visit and tell them how you feel.

Does baby seem unhappy laying flat? Are they sicky at all? There might be an element of reflux/silent reflux going on. It's really common and can make them a bit uncomfortable lying down. Maybe look up the symptoms and see if any of them fit.

Honestly OP, my DS has never, ever slept as much as they said he should. He just doesn't need that much sleep. If baby is generally happy then it sounds like he's getting what he needs.

The figures in the books are just averages, some will do more and some will do less. That's fine! You can just sit with him with you in the evenings, you don't need to be actively doing anything. Honestly OP, this is a learning curve for everyone, cut yourself some slack, it sounds like you're doing a great job!

I thought he might have silenr rwflux but he doesnt really cry when flat.

I just dont have any instinct. I feel like every minute is crucial and that is exhausting

OP it sounds to me like you are doing a fab job. Do what is right for you, and your baby and beat your friend around the head with her 181 page sleep study. Is she on glue? You say he doesn't cry that much and is pretty happy. It sounds to me like he is a catnapper. Get comfy, have some snacks, drinks and box sets ready and settle in. Most importantly - be kind to yourself - you don't need to put this pressure on yourself. and don't forget what I said about the sleep study

I mean this in the nicest possible way, but every minute isn't crucial. Have you chatted with anyone about your anxiety?

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. I do think you should try talking to your GP or health visitor again - what you are feeling is incredibly common. Also try googling 'the fourth trimester' - you'll find it very reassuring.

I really think you should go back to the GP, you do seem excessively anxious and there is help out there for that. Can you take your DH with you to the appointment to support you?

Everything you say suggests that baby is safe, fed and happy. I know it feels overwhelming right now but I suspect that's because you're not quite yourself at the moment.

Take a breath. Just get through tonight, call the GP in the morning, it will get better.

I remember ringing my DH at work one day when I couldn’t get DC2 to nap, I was sobbing on the phone that he should be tired so why won’t he sleep and he replied that if he was tired then he would! Sounds really simple now but it was almost like a lightbulb went on, that just because I think he should be sleeping doesn’t necessarily mean he was tired. It was hard for me because I naturally thrive on routine and it makes me feel more in control but I had to let go a bit with DC2 and let him control a bit more, like a PP DC2 still needs a lot less sleep than DC1.

As long as he seems happy, is feeding ok and you’re both getting through the day then that’s all you need to worry about for now. Maybe try having a little break in your normal evening routine tomorrow, if it’s fine then get wrapped up and go for a walk in the evening, or go and visit a friend for an hour, just something to distract you. Have a long hot bath once DH gets home and take yourself away from the situation for a little while. It does get easier but you need to break this cycle

Oh my lovely. All babies are different. Dc1 never slept in the day. Like ever. Well half n hour tops.
DC2 slept on me or with me for months.
You’re doing great. The early weeks are just a matter of surviving without totally losing your mind. Save routines for when you have a pre schooler. Babies feed when they’re hungry and sleep? Well they do eventually.
You’re doing fine. You really are.

Your baby sounds absolutely normal and perfect.
You sound like you’re doing everything right for him.

The two biggest thing I learnt with my first were, if it works don’t fix it and do whatever it takes to make your life easier. So if he sleeps best in the sling, then in the sling he sleeps. Don’t put unnecersary pressure on yourself, you’re doing nothing wrong.

Two jobs for tomorrow: bin the sleep schedule (181 pages?! Fuck that shit) and phone your HV for a chat, some reassurance and support.

for you

Thanks everyone. I feel a lot better.

My HV is a bit old school. A few weeks ago DS had a week where he wouldnt sleep in his crib. She went mad when I said I had co-slept. She suggested controlled crying instead.

I have had some pretty poor professional support. A midwife who told me I was overreacting to the dangers of coldsores as the 'worst that would happen is he gets a coldsore'. The doctor who told me that there was 'no link between antibiotics and thrush' and if it hurt I should 'express or try cabbage leaves'. I took DS to see another GP for his thrush, I asked her how kong i should continue treatment for once symptoms had gone and I was told 'well i would stop now. I woudlnt medicate a newborn uncesessarily. I dont know why you're here'.

Your dh is a good man for staying home. He did that because his family are worth it, your worth it. If your dh was really upset would you still go out, and would you want him to feel guilty?

The following things a new mum needs to know.

1. You are not alone! We’ve all been there. We’ve all sat and cried our hearts out. We’ve all felt like hopeless mothers. We’ve all bitten our dh heads off. We’ve all been riddled with guilt. We’ve all questioned ‘wtf have I done, having a baby??!’

2. Sadly, we all feel the need to portray this perfect mother image to everyone else, and smile incessantly to show how well we are all coping. We ensure our baby is spotless, house is sparkling, ourselves are looking our bests. Just for the record. Very few new mums find it all a breeze. I’ve had 5 and I still get baffled and feel hopeless with my 7nth old. Apart from which, bloomin professionals keep changing what we should and shouldn’t be doing!!

3)There’s plenty of books on babies. But there are no books on your baby. Getting to know what makes your baby happy and sad is how you bond. Mother Nature has made them demanding so you have to regularly tend to them, to keep them safe and bond.

4)Don’t count hours of sleep. All babies are different. When they sleep they sleep. My 7 month sleeps in pram in day with either tumble drier in or washing machine. Babies love background noise. No trumpet blowing though!!
5) The mums I can see struggling a little more seem to be the ones fighting for a routine. Go with your babies flow. What works, do it. Firstly, you and baby will be more relaxed. Secondly, by following your babies path, your showing them you’re listening to them. They will feel safer, and more relaxed.,
This stage will be over so quickly. Hang in there. You are doing far better than you’re giving yourself credit for xxx

How are you @Mississippilessly ?

Your HV and GP sound shit. Is there another practice you can go to? I'd ask for an alternative HV as a starting point and complain about the first one when you have the energy! Useless woman!

I'm glad you're feeling a bit better, if you can work on just continuing to respond to baby without worrying too much about what either of you SHOULD be doing I think you'll feel loads better.

Screw the sleep schedule. Or send it to me and I will shred it for you.

My first born was a fomo baby. Big time. And just didn't sleep until one day when they actually decided that their cot wasn't so bad after all. Even now dc1 is still headstrong, stubborn and determined.

Babies tend to cluster feed in the evenings and dc1 just used to spend their evening attached to me. There's nothing wrong with watching the telly and ignoring the housework believe me.

All this wonder weeks, baby whispering, controlled crying, EASY routines stuff is a load of crap quite frankly. Your baby isn't a robot and they will do what they want when they want. And newborns are all squishy and cute so enjoy it while it lasts.