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Original poster

Desparate for a hand hold

84 replies

Mississippilessly · 07/11/2018 18:32

DS is 8 weeks. He doesnt sleep as much as the guides say he should (he has done 11.5 hrs today so far) My friend has just sent me a 181 page sleep schedule and it has sent me into a complete spiral. He is fussy feeding. He had a nap in his crib today but normally will only nap in his sling. Am i supposed to be doing bedtime now? That means i have to stay in my bedroom in the dark?
DH wanted to go for a drink tonight, would mean not back til 9. He is away with work tomorrow.night. i so want to be ok with him goig but i feel crippled with anxiety. I just want to sob.

I have no idea what I am doing.

OP posts:
PurpleCrazyHorse · 08/11/2018 11:21

DD never slept the 'recommended' hours, she's the kind of girl that's either fully awake and raring to go, or asleep! She slept on me, co-slept, breastfed to sleep (and then had a bottle to go to sleep), she never napped longer than an hour and she didn't sleep through until she was 2.5yo. She is 9yo now and goes to sleep without any trouble, sleeps through and wakes up fine. They do get there in the end.

I only started working hard to get DD to nap when she started displaying a morning and afternoon nap routine. If she was late with the morning nap, it messed up lunch and the afternoon nap would mess up bedtime, so I did work hard then. She was well over 6mo by then though, maybe even older. I remember telling our CM that DD didn't have a routine Blush. I actually think the CMer's routine (just having to fit around other children, school runs etc) got DD into a more settled nap routine, because she was in the buggy at specific/regular times of the day.

Try not to worry. We also used gro bags with DD as it helped move her without her noticing the sheet in the new place was cold (and therefore waking her up). She slept in a Moses basket, on our sofa next to us (when we were awake watching TV), on me or DH, in the buggy, all downstairs. We just muddled though.

Original poster
Mississippilessly · 08/11/2018 16:56

Thank you alk for your kindness and support Smile

I feel ok today, I hosted a coffee morning and had a major wobble but i managed. Whoever said about portraying an image is so right. I marched down the shops this morning because i decided we needed flowers!
I rhink DS naturalkt has 2 x 2.5 hrs naps (roughly) a day. I would guess he will wake up at 5.30. I think then i will have him uo for about 90 mins - this seems to be his limit. I might then take.him for a little walk in the sling to see if i can get another nap out of him. The idea of putting him to bed at 7 is stressing me - i havent worked out the monitor yet, so whats the point?

OP posts:
Sunshinegirl82 · 08/11/2018 17:55

He doesn't need to go to bed at 7 at all! In fact the SIDS guidance is baby should be in the same room as you for all sleeps until 6 months. DS just stayed downstairs with us until we went up, it's honestly fine just to keep him with you. If he sleeps he sleeps, if he doesn't that's fine too. He'll find his own rhythm.

I'm glad you're feeling better OP,

Interested in this thread?

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Original poster
Mississippilessly · 08/11/2018 18:07

Thank you sunshine, I am so grateful for your help.

OP posts:
Horsemad · 08/11/2018 18:11

Just popped in to see how you are doing - well done for hosting a coffee morning, no way could I have done that when mine were 8wks!

MamaLovesMango · 08/11/2018 19:17

He doesn’t need to go to bed at 7. If it’s stressing you out, don’t do it Smile

MaverickSnoopy · 08/11/2018 19:22

My second slept in a sling until she was 7 months old. She just wouldn't nap any other way. She also never met her sleep quota until around the same age. It was HARD. And she was my second so I had some semblance of a clue.

You are doing fantastically. If the sling works use it. Stop worrying so much. I promise you will look and wonder why. I know that because I used to be you.

Ozziewozzie · 08/11/2018 19:34

I know it’s tough. I know you desperately want to get everything so perfectly right, but it’s the exact thing that is getting in your way of seeing things just the way they are.
Try not to count how many hours, or even look at the clock. Throw the bloomin clock away.,
Just you and baby and nothing else. No books, no clocks, no schedules. Your baby will sleep if it’s tired. You may need to help itvyo sleep by pram, sling, cuddle, but it’s as simple as that. Sometimes they sleep for hours, and other times literally 5 minutes. Just go with it. Focusing on it all is stressing you out, and exhausting you, making you feel helpless. The books were written by imbeciles mostly. So many posters on here agree to forget what the books say and let baby lead you. I promise it will be alright. You’re doing great. The only difference between you and all of us is that we’ve come out the other side. Now it’s your turn. You’ve got this. Stop counting, stop reading and remind yourself, this is your baby. Nobody knows your baby better than you do. Xx
Ps, I bet most of the mums at coffee morning turned up all smiles and perfectly groomed with spotless babies. We’ve all done it. Why shops always put white vests in packs, I’ll never know. They never stay white for us. I swear some mums have drawers full of them so there little one looks like a glowing angel.
You’re doing great. You’re worrying about your baby. That’s a great start. Xx

Original poster
Mississippilessly · 09/11/2018 10:14

This thread has been so enormously helpful. Thank you to everyone for reassuring me.
Yesterday I tried to trust myself and DS a bit more. During the coffee morning I could see he was getting tired so I actually made my apologies and walked him round the block in his sling. He slwpt for 3 hours..At 7pm i put him in the sling and he napped again, I woke him at 9pm and he was down by 11pm.
So yesterday he had about 15.5 hrs sleep, but ironically i think because i relaxed and trusted us! I got him down in his crib for a nap a couple of days ago, i might try that again for an afternoon nap when its getting dark - i could then have a nap with him. But frankly the sling is so much more convenient for him and me!

Thank you again. I dont know that I wont ever feel like that again but i know i feel miles miles better.

OP posts:
TheFaerieQueene · 09/11/2018 10:21

Well done, you are doing wonderfully.
I still remember feeling anxious with my DS. He is 27 now! It does pass, especially when they become less ‘fragile’ and small.

beachysandy81 · 09/11/2018 10:33

Just relax and get through it - there is no right and wrong. 8 weeks is too young for any schedule! Feed when he wants to be fed and sleep when he wants to sleep. Keep him downstairs in the day with normal noises around. Upstairs when you go to bed. Sleep when he sleeps and take it easy. Don't set yourself unrealistic goals of housework or social events, just go with the flow. If he is really hungry a bit of formula of an evening may help fill him up to have a longer sleep at night (that's what I did anyway).

As he gets older and more aware he will want to be more awake in the day as that is when things are happening! Therefore, he will naturally be more tired at night.

Most of all enjoy him, he will be a teenager before you know it!!! Have lots of tea and cake and watch all the trashy tv, get out for nice walks with the pram and try and meet mothers with similar aged children through groups etc so that you have others to share the experience with.

Sunshinegirl82 · 09/11/2018 11:46

I'm so glad you're feeling more positive OP and I'm really glad you had a better day.

Your instincts are spot on, you know your baby. The only problem is that the books were at odds with your instincts which makes you worry then that your instincts are wrong and then you stop trusting yourself.

You've got this, enjoy your baby!

Ozziewozzie · 09/11/2018 12:53

You’ve got this. X Now you can pass on your wisdom to new mums struggling. We’ve all been there. Next, it will be feeding, sitting, walking, talking....same applies. Trust yourself and your little one. Nobody has your baby’s best interests at heart more than you do. Down days come, but remember, all rubbish days finish at midnight, bringing a chance for a better day.
Take it from me, you’ll blink and your little one will be towering above you ready to leave home. It flies by once you get going. You’re doing everything right. Xx

timeforachangemethinks · 09/11/2018 19:39

So glad to hear you’re feeling a little more positive.
Well done on the coffee morning, I’d need three weeks prep before I was hosting anybody here!! No chance with an 8wk old!Grin

QforCucumber · 09/11/2018 19:56

At that age mine had a nap at 6:30pm and went down for the 'night' at 10pm. Gradually that nap became 7:30 and he'd sleep for a few hours, i think trusting yourselves not books looks to be working for you both!

Original poster
Mississippilessly · 09/11/2018 21:21

Thanks again.
Played tonight wrong. Tried to get him off for a nap, we misread it he was hungry not tired. Eventually he has fallen asleep, v tired, in the sling. Went off at 8.45.
The positive is I haven't freaked out. The negative is I dont know what to do now!

OP posts:
Original poster
Mississippilessly · 09/11/2018 22:09

Bugger.
Really dont know what to do now. Still asleep in sling. Fuck.

OP posts:
LittleNoSleep · 09/11/2018 22:19

Just roll with it as much as you can. There’s no right or wrong, we’ll all winging it! I just used to go to bed with my Velcro baby while they cluster fed and I watched TV. When they finally went off properly for a few hours at 10pm or so I’d then go to sleep. The biggest thing no one ever tells you about having a baby? THE WORRY. You’re doing great. Just follow the baby’s lead. Forget about a 7pm bedtime. All that stuff will come later. It’s still early days. And everything’s always ten times worse at night. I’d have gladly had mine adopted in the wee hours.

Sunshinegirl82 · 09/11/2018 22:21

It's fine OP, take him out of sling and let DH hold him whilst you get ready for bed. Then swap. If he wakes up just stick something on Netflix/tv for a bit and chill with baby in bed. If he doesn't see if he'll settle in Moses basket etc. for a bit.

He'll probably be hungry soon anyway so then you can feed and resettle if necessary. If it's looking to be a challenging night then send DH to sleep in spare room/on sofa so he gets a decent chunk of sleep. You can bed in with Tv etc until he settles. DH can then take baby downstairs in the morning so you can catch up a bit on your sleep and just bring him up for feeds.

Honestly, it will be ok!

Original poster
Mississippilessly · 09/11/2018 22:23

littlenosleepp how true!
DS still happily snoozing in his sling. I am so stupid.

OP posts:
Alexindisguise · 09/11/2018 22:24

At this age there's no right or wrong thing to do, you just do whatever you can to get through it. You're doing great!

My ds is 7 now but I remember hearing other people talking about cues, signs and different cries, I don't think I ever figured any out, but we all survived.

Try not to get hung up on hours, minutes asleep etc. Every child is different and needs different amounts.

Original poster
Mississippilessly · 09/11/2018 22:25

Thanks sunshine. Do u fancy coming to live with us?!
Going to forget a bath tonight. About to take him out and do as u suggest.
Wish us luck!

OP posts:
fifipop185 · 09/11/2018 22:26

Good luck OP and btw, you're not stupid. You've got this Thanks

LittleNoSleep · 09/11/2018 22:27

I actually miss just going to bed at 7pm with the baby and the telly! Good luck tonight.

Sunshinegirl82 · 09/11/2018 22:31

I just really feel for you! I tried so hard to get DS to fit into the blimmin schedules! Had an app with all the nap times, tried all this "drowsy but awake" bollocks, absolutely none of it bloody worked! I nearly drove myself mad! Why? Why wasn't it working? What was I doing wrong?! He wasn't sleeping enough, I was failing him, I was obviously getting it all wrong.

When I stopped it all fell into place. DS needs lots of physical contact, it's who he is. I went with it, it worked. He's now 2 and a half and the happiest, chattiest fellow about (still needs loads of cuddles!). It all worked out fine without a routine. Honestly, you really are doing fine!