Why is DH so incompetent?

[HagueBlue]

It may not seem like a big deal but I'm so cross with him at the moment, I've just come on here to vent really.

This year school for some reason only sent parent teacher meeting invites to one parent. DH received ours, and put the meetings in the diary for Thursday. Turns out the meetings were today and we've missed them.

As well as being angry at him, I'm embarrassed and disappointed that we took up two busy teachers' time, and missed the rare opportunity to discuss the DC's progress. Of course I will be the one to go in tomorrow to apologise profusely and ask for another slot.

He does things like this ALL the time, it's so infuriating. Whether it's unsent forms, unpaid bills etc, it's so stressful having that nagging feeling that something's about to go wrong because of his poor admin skills. Our car got towed away last year because he hadn't sorted the insurance in time, we've received fines several times because he's neglected to pay some bill or other. He also ignores all post, I need to open his letters if anything's to be done.

If he treated his work like he does his home life he'd have been sacked by now. I'm pretty sure he doesn't as he has a well-paid job which he's good at. I mean no disrespect to LPs but I honestly often think it would be easier if he wasn't here - then at least I'd know that things would get done.

What's the answer please, short of divorce? I feel like I've tried every possible strategy to get him to sort this out, I'm at the end of my tether.

It sounds like he doesn't do it because he thinks it's beneath him. Why can't he be the one to ring up the school and apologise?

If he treated his work like he does his home life he'd have been sacked by now

I'm guessing he hasn't got a wife wiping his backside at work so he has to be on the ball. At home he's got you to be his mum.

He needs to be the one to contact the school. Natural consequence of his (in) action.

He's saying he'll do it, but a) with things like this it's always the mother that gets judged for it isn't it? And b) if he did arrange an alternate date he would still need to notify me of it, and again I don't trust him to get it right.

I do wonder if he sees it as beneath him, that's the only possible reason, isn't it?

And if it was just us I would absolutely have stopped doing anything for him, but my poor DCs don't deserve this.

He gets it wrong because he doesn't care about it. It's that simple. He's the big man bringing home the big man wages; dealing with schools and appointments is the little woman's work. That's his thought process.

Ending up with multiple times, temporary loss of car etc will all be seen as your fault. He won't be blaming himself.

I'm a lone parent and I can go to sleep knowing everything is taken care of, without having to chase another adult around to find out.

*fines not times

He recognises that it's his fault, but he says he doesn't know how to get better at it. We've had this same conversation so many times and nothing ever gets better, I feel like there's just no hope.

What are the specific skills he struggles with? Remembering? Telephoning? Planning his time? What strategies has he tried so far? Has he ever Googled 'how to be organised' or 'how to get stuff done'?

I agree he call the school and beg. You can check the time he tells you with the teacher .... but it would drive me insane. People don’t get married to be the only one taking responsibility.

He doesn't have the self awareness to diagnose where things fall down. At work he has a to-do list but he doesn't have one for home stuff. He's just downloaded an app that he thinks might help but I have very little confidence.

Dh did this with dentist. I made him phone and rearrange. Make him deal with it-it’s the only way. Mums totally not judged at school btw.

Place marking because he sounds exactly like my DH and I'm interested to read others' opinions and advice.

You have my sympathy, OP.

Bills etc arrange to pay by dd so you don’t have to worry about them. We have a written calendar-if it’s not on the calendar it doesn’t happen, including appts. We arrange who is taking dc to which appts in advance. I do remind butvitherwise leave him to it.

I agree you ask him to phone the school and explain, apologise and reschedule.
He has to deal with it as a consequence so there won’t be a next time.
If you sort out the mess for him he’ll do it again.
Same applies to all his cock ups.

You may find it interesting to do a search here on mn of "strategic imcompetence"

At BEST subconsciously - he's doing a shit job of these tasks because HE THINKS THEY'RE BENEATH HIM and YOU should be doing them.

In other words he is at heart a sexist twat!

I'm a Lp and ex was like this - if I'd known of mn at the time a LOT of things would have been highlighted to me!

It's one of the few bonuses of being a Lp, the counter of course is "the buck stops here" there's nobody else to pick up the slack.

What's his job? There's BOUND to be SOME level of organisational admin involved in it so as he's clearly capable there he's NO EXCUSE elsewhere.

Agree - HE needs to suffer the consequences. Make him phone the school and apologise and reschedule and then for your own peace of mind double check (but don't tell him you have - I'd even go as at as letting him turn up at the wrong time if he gets it wrong again)

Fines - HE goes without something as a result.

It's like training a sodding toddler they don't learn unless it directly negatively affects them!

Mind you at this point having been single for 16 years almost, and being 46 and no longer willing to take much crap I'd be giving him the "3 strikes and you're out" treatment.

It's unacceptable and inexcusable for a grown arse adult to not get their shit together! Especially now when we all have calendars and alarms on our phones and numerous organisational apps.
I'm on medication that screws with my short term memory - so everything goes on my calendar with numerous reminders and alarms to coincide.

If you keep mopping up his messes he'll keep making them!

Mine's a bit like this - super good/intelligent and organised at work but comes home and switches his brain off.

I don't trust him to do any organising of our DD's school/out of school appointments. Our bills are all paid by DD so no issues there but I check our finances.

Sometimes I do remind him that I'm not his Mum.

Just take over the admin yourself and save a lifetime of headaches he's never going to change

Well you know him better than us but I can tell you I’m a bit like this and it’s not because I think home things are beneath me. It’s that I have an extremely complicated and quite stressful job, especially at the moment, and it’s as if my brain is just wrung out.

It’s as though something has to give and if it’s the work stuff rather than the dentist appointments then we’ll lose the house.

Most of our bills are paid by DD so we don't generally need to think about them, but there are always ad hoc ones - school lunches / activities, holiday deposit, builders etc.

I already do about 80% of the family admin, but I hate the idea that I have to do all of it because he's shown himself to be useless. I also work full-time, earning about the same as him, some years more yet all my spare time goes towards if not doing, then thinking and worrying about things that I actually don't care about but simply have to be done. Cleaning is a whole other issue which I won't rant about here but aaargh!

Ah I see you've met my DH! I do find that he can massively incompetent at the simplest task like putting the baby in the right gro bag for the temperature but has quite a complex job that he's great at. I think some of it is a lack of practice because I do a lot of the home stuff he then gets it wrong when he dabbles in it. I do more because I'm on mat leave and will then work p/t. Sometimes I also think he genuinely can't multitask so I'm usually thinking about other things I need to do and mentally checking them off my list but if he's cooking then he can't have any distractions, if he's sorting the car then it absolutely has to be his sole purpose. I find I have to be very specific in what I'm asking and get him to deal with the consequences. If he puts DD in the wrong gro bag then he has to change it without waking her up, if he puts her to bed when she's not ready then he has to go up and settle her. The only time I draw a line is when it comes to bills and money which I'm 95% responsible for as I don't want to end up with fines or things being cut off because he's not sorted them.

Graphista he swears blind that's not what he's doing, but you're right that it's the only logical explanation.

And we do have a calendar - two actually, a paper one on the fridge door and a shared Google calendar. Sadly he 'forgets' to look at them or update them unless I've just had a go at him.

Tea does your DH have any insight into why he's like this??

I know it's often said on mn about such men v women threads but I have to say on this issue I agree. I'd find such behaviour DEEPLY unattractive.

A relationship with an equal ADULT who takes responsibility for their shit - attractive

A relationship with someone who acts like a sullen pre-teen frequently messing up and expecting me to clean up their mess? NOT attractive.

It's back to the old "mental load" stuff isn't it? He doesn't think he deserves to have to take on half the mental load because he's a man, there's NO other reason for him to think it should be you as you are equals in every other way.

"Cleaning is a whole other issue which I won't rant about here but aaargh!" Wow seriously - wtf IS he good for? Cos it don't sound like much!

A few links to START you thinking! And maybe send the first to him!

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/amp/?client=safari

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.urbandictionary.com/define.php%3Fterm%3DStrategic%20Incompetence%26amp%3Dtrue?client=safari

m.youtube.com/watch?v=SqQgDwA0BNU

www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic

www.cosmopolitan.com/uk/love-sex/relationships/a23469721/emotional-labour-mental-load/

"While I’m constantly thinking about both of us, he only ever thinks about himself." Pretty much sums up men like this.

They're not just sexist they're lazy!

As I said, ex could be like this. Prior to having dd I had the energy and motivation to deal with it. Eg if he didn't put his gym kit in the laundry hamper it didn't get washed, if he didn't remember to send his (lovely) mother a birthday card/gift I didn't frantically scrabble around organising a flower delivery (helped by the fact my ex mil absolutely placed the blame at HIS door not mine). After dd it got MUCH harder and as I hadn't had mn I didn't spot the subtle warning signs pre dd. We ultimately split due to his cheating but it was really a "final straw" thing. I was a sahm at the time but at one point he actually said he thought I sat on my arse all day watching telly! Yea cos all the cleaning, cooking, admin and care of dd happens due to fucking magic fairies!

The more we let these men away with it the more they'll not do the grown up stuff they SHOULD be.

He doesn't "forget" he doesn't bother - there's a difference. And he doesn't bother because when pushed (and it's one of the few things arguments are good for - you get the truth!) he doesn't think it's down to him, he considers these menial tasks that he's too good for.

I'm not sure it's because he's sexist or thinks it's beneath him. Like a PP I'm a bit like this too. I've missed appointments and screwed things up for my DC before, but at work I'm totally organised and efficient. I feel like a total failure but sometimes I just find parenting (and being an adult) too stressful and it's like I get a mental block. I don't think it's something I can change so I just have to put strategies in place: Write things in my diary when at work, on the calendar when at home, send myself or DP texts about anything important or take photos of school letters that I'm bound to lose. Then every day I stand in front of the calendar with DP and make sure everything is on there. Then take a photo of the calendar with my phone so I've got it on me at all times.