Why is DH so incompetent?

[HagueBlue]

It may not seem like a big deal but I'm so cross with him at the moment, I've just come on here to vent really.

This year school for some reason only sent parent teacher meeting invites to one parent. DH received ours, and put the meetings in the diary for Thursday. Turns out the meetings were today and we've missed them.

As well as being angry at him, I'm embarrassed and disappointed that we took up two busy teachers' time, and missed the rare opportunity to discuss the DC's progress. Of course I will be the one to go in tomorrow to apologise profusely and ask for another slot.

He does things like this ALL the time, it's so infuriating. Whether it's unsent forms, unpaid bills etc, it's so stressful having that nagging feeling that something's about to go wrong because of his poor admin skills. Our car got towed away last year because he hadn't sorted the insurance in time, we've received fines several times because he's neglected to pay some bill or other. He also ignores all post, I need to open his letters if anything's to be done.

If he treated his work like he does his home life he'd have been sacked by now. I'm pretty sure he doesn't as he has a well-paid job which he's good at. I mean no disrespect to LPs but I honestly often think it would be easier if he wasn't here - then at least I'd know that things would get done.

What's the answer please, short of divorce? I feel like I've tried every possible strategy to get him to sort this out, I'm at the end of my tether.

Good to hear Elderly, it sounds like you have a good balance.

And thanks all, this was the pep talk I needed. I will be having serious words with him and expecting to see a significant effort on his part.

Yes totally, if he does the cooking then that encompasses buying the groceries and the clean up. Not just the actual cooking! I hope it goes well and he steps up!

I haven't RTFT, but does anyone remember that thread from a couple of years back by another MN with an incompetent husband - he'd failed to complete a simple task of posting a thank you card and it was the last straw for the OP - she ended up divorcing him.

Good luck talking to him but remember words are cheap! It's his actions will tell you if he really cares to make a change.

Sympathies, OP. My DH and I have barely spoken in 3 days following a huge row about this issue. He can run a million dollar law practice but can't feed our children without my input. 🤬

Honestly, I don't think this is the answer: 'ask him to nominate some tasks that he can do in their entirety without my supervision'
You'll end up managing him, he will do what's on the list and that's it, and you will end up supervising.

It's an attitude change that's needed, at the moment he's not even trying. Of course he sees the mess he makes in the kitchen, he chooses not to because he knows you'll clear it up.

Lay it on the line. Tell him his current attitude is putting his marriage and his family at risk. Ask him what he think needs to change to stop this happening. Don't infantalise him by telling him, he's capable of working it out for himself. Give him a date that things will be reviewed. Stick to it. And don't be afraid to follow through, that's all you've got left really. If he knows you really won't, then he won't make the changes.

Why is x box not in the bin. Feck me. There's your 1st job!!

Where we aren’t equal partners my dh is saying ‘ I’m not up to managing these things so I’m the menial lower role.’ This means he jumps when I say jump. You will have to supervise cleaning the kitchen but seeing as you have to supervise then tell him to remove the hob bits and wipe the stove as well as splashback, sweep and mop etc . No complaining if he wants to stay married. He might decide to step up in the admin dept...

Lonicera my DH is 68 and had a heart attack in 2006 which affected his memory.

It didnt render him with selective memory though. I have to do the things like clean the bath because hes not able to due to disability.

But in 26 years he has never so much as left his pants on the floor.

Graphista and myself have mentioned on a previous thread that a lot of this seems to be going on with younger men.

Yes Helena we've noticed/noted that before. Your dh is only a few years younger than my parents (sorry tis true) and my as I've said on similar threads my dad is quite a sexist dick to be honest BUT he was NEVER lazy or disrespectful in this respect.

I've said before my dad and both my grandads had "traditional division of labour" marriages.

They always thanked their wives for their evening meals - often a compliment of some kind too.

Wouldn't DREAM of leaving their own mess for their wives to pick up after them.

Pulled their weight in other ways in the house by doing the "traditionally male" jobs - obvious ones are DIY & house maintenance, garden, car maintenance, but ALSO anything perceived to be a heavy job - carrying groceries or suitcases, hoovering, putting things away in the loft, putting Christmas tree up stuff like that.

Funnily enough they all also did all the household/financial admin (but there was complete transparency on this) I remember thinking it quite odd upon once witnessing one grandad immediately returning from work and handing his entire pay packet (even I remember being paid cash in wee square brown envelopes ) to my gran whereupon she opened it and gave him back a small part of it. I queried it with my mum and she didn't realise it was odd as everyone she knew worked this way. She explained it was because it was gran did most of the shopping and even paying of eg window cleaner as she was home more (even though she worked too) the money she gave granda back was for his fares to work and lunch money, and a few beers on a Friday.

Point is the labour WAS more fairly split the men did more then.

Now with labour saving devices and most people don't do their own cleaning of gutters etc men aren't replacing what they used to do they're just doing sod all!!

aidelmaidel I wish I could afford an executive functioning coach. 😭

Hague I did say that it was an answer for you to do all the household admin, but not necessarily a good answer.

The point is that you have reached breaking point, it seems, and therefore something will have to change for you to be able to stop feeling anxious and resentful. It sounds as though your husband has someone who organises him at work and expects the same at home

If he actually realises that he is close to losing his family, it may shock him into changing his ways. If not, he’ll have to learn to fend for himself,because you might not be around to pick up the pieces.