Why is DH so incompetent?

[HagueBlue]

It may not seem like a big deal but I'm so cross with him at the moment, I've just come on here to vent really.

This year school for some reason only sent parent teacher meeting invites to one parent. DH received ours, and put the meetings in the diary for Thursday. Turns out the meetings were today and we've missed them.

As well as being angry at him, I'm embarrassed and disappointed that we took up two busy teachers' time, and missed the rare opportunity to discuss the DC's progress. Of course I will be the one to go in tomorrow to apologise profusely and ask for another slot.

He does things like this ALL the time, it's so infuriating. Whether it's unsent forms, unpaid bills etc, it's so stressful having that nagging feeling that something's about to go wrong because of his poor admin skills. Our car got towed away last year because he hadn't sorted the insurance in time, we've received fines several times because he's neglected to pay some bill or other. He also ignores all post, I need to open his letters if anything's to be done.

If he treated his work like he does his home life he'd have been sacked by now. I'm pretty sure he doesn't as he has a well-paid job which he's good at. I mean no disrespect to LPs but I honestly often think it would be easier if he wasn't here - then at least I'd know that things would get done.

What's the answer please, short of divorce? I feel like I've tried every possible strategy to get him to sort this out, I'm at the end of my tether.

If you have a Google calendar, you can set it so that you /he gets a ping to your phone an hour (or whatever) before event.
I'm useless with a paper diary, but online works well for me as I don't need to know when I need to check it - it will tell me

As everyone else has said, he just doesn't care enough. He's clearly capable, and cares enough at work, which is why he does what's expected of him there.

I would get angry. Not shouty, crying, Jeremy Kyle angry. Cold angry.

I mean, how can you not be angry?

This sort of thing erodes the goodwill in a relationship. Never mind 'love' - 'like' is what really good relationships are based on, and if the 'like' is not there, it's a slow death.

Is he aware that his actions make you dislike him? Make you have much less respect for him? I mean, base level, but this sort of thing kills intimacy. Who wants to have sex with someone they don't like, that makes them feel resentful?

Spell all this out to him, and ask him if he's OK with this. If not, what does HE suggest?

Graphista thanks for the links. We also have a magic laundry basket. Reading the Cosmo article I would advise that girl at 23 not to get herself trapped in this situation for the rest of her life. I wonder what would have happened if I'd had the foresight at her age to realise what track I was on. We've been playing this game for nearly two decades - it's just exhausting and it's turning me into a person that I don't want to be.

Ironically I sent the divorce article to DH a while ago (probably from you on another thread!) I asked him a few days later if he'd read it and he said '...erm...can you summarise it for me?'

Dowager 'cold angry' is exactly where I am right now. Yet again we sat down and I spelt everything out in painful detail, giving several examples. He sat and listened quietly. When asked what he had to say for himself he says 'I don't disagree with anything you're saying but I just don't know how to change it'. I asked if he thought my expectations were unreasonable and he doesn't think they are. I'm really not asking for much.

His behaviour is so deeply ingrained that it's not fixable, I suspect.

My ex was like this. It’s a big reason he’s an ex. I could not rely on him at all and it became so so tiring. It is easier as a single parent because I know it’s down to me and I know if I’ve done it. I’m not hoping he’s done and and wondering if he hasn’t.

Ooh! That is deeply unpleasant Hague

It's so fucking passive. I am not surprised you are 'cold angry'. I am willing to bet that you don't find him sexually attractive in the slightest. That is such a pathetic response!

Are you going to spend another 2 decades putting up with it?

Do you think he's worth more effort?

Basically, acknowledging that his behaviour is beyond irritating, what do you want to do about it?

He doesn't know how to change it? A grown adult who manages to organise himself enough to hold down a job doesn't know how to pay a bill/attend a hospital appointment/go to parents evening etc?

I'm not surprised that you are seething with anger. His lack of respect is incredibly hurtful.

If he was an employee, a paid member of staff that is there to help and assist, he'd be failing and would get the sack.

Write him a written warning, shape up or the next letter will be his dismissal.

You asked what is the answer OP. One answer is that you simply do 100% of house admin. Then you won’t be stressed worrying about something going wrong.

I’m not in any way suggesting that it’s a good answer, or the right answer, but it is an answer. You’ve tried to change him, there are strategies to help things to change but they don’t.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome. If he can’t/ won’t change, then you have to decide what you can change. Either doing it yourself or thinking seriously about whether this has, is, or will become a deal breaker for you.

He put the meetings in the diary? Is it a shared diary or a diary for just him?

Professor he sent an invite to my work calendar from his, which would be fine, it was just on the wrong day.

Curious yes, I do struggle to find him attractive - especially when he spends 4+ hours of an evening sitting on his bum playing on the Playstation when there are obviously jobs that need doing around the house.

Klutzy that's what I told him - his company do "performance improvement plans" for under-performing employees, he'd have been on one years ago. But invariably there's only ever one outcome to those, and everyone knows it.

Foxy yes, it's very close to being a deal-breaker. To the point where I've been looking at one-bedroom flats nearby and mentally working out how we'd manage the finances if we didn't live together. If I did do 100% of the admin, how would that work in practice - do you know many women that work full time and also do everything around the house as well? What does he do in return?

Thanks for the support treacle - it doesn't make sense does it? I'm incredibly grateful for all your responses, it's helped me to get some perspective and see that this really is very serious. I can't keep going the way we are as it's proving bad for my mental health, and DC1 is starting to pick up on it.

“but he says he doesn't know how to get better at it”

I put all reminders on Outlook, so I can’t forget. I also have an old fashioned calendar on the wall with reminders.

I do all the admin in our house because OH has always been absent minded. Since his stroke his memory has got worse, so I don’t even expect him to remember stuff. I don’t think it is necessarily something that he sees as “beneath him” like so many posters do. I genuinely think that some men are just wired like this.

I realise that you don’t want to be stuck doing “wife work”, but sometimes it is worth just sucking it up to ensure that you don’t get your car towed away for example.

I genuinely think that some men are just wired like this.

Having a stroke is one thing, men just being worked like this is another thing.

They're not wired like this, none of them. They have been taught that mummy will wipe their backsides, that the missus will sort things or that the wife will remember so they don't have too.

You can't seriously think that someone capable of learning to drive, passing exams, earning qualifications, applying for jobs,, getting the job, performing well enough to keep the job, earning promotion and raises etc etc is then mysteriously incapable of remembering simple appointments or other mundane tasks at home simply because he has bollocks?

Nah .. bullshit..
If he lived alone he'd have to do it, he's not doing it because he's been taught he doesn't have to.
(I'm a man, I live alone with my daughter and somehow I do all my own admin and appointments remembering)

Men aren't just "wired like this". That's sexist bullshit.

He shapes up or he ships out. Explain that you have been looking elsewhere so he realises how serious this is.

Get a list of jobs in the house and give him half. If he can deal with a to do list at work, he can deal with one at home.

When asked what he had to say for himself he says 'I don't disagree with anything you're saying but I just don't know how to change it'.

Tell him he needs to figure it out.

He needs to devote some time and mental energy to this. He can use the time he usually games on the Playstation.

There are literally HUNDREDS of "productivity" books, blogs, audiobooks, podcasts, seminars, and experts out there. A wealth of information is at his fingertips. He just needs to decide what will work for him.

I would give him ONE hint only, at this point, which is that he needs to look at what works for him at work and try to replicate that system at home.

My DH can be guilty of leaving it all to me. But that "Divorced me because I left the dishes by the sink" article, along with the "Mental Load" cartoon put a rocket up his arse. If your DH is so dismissive of your concern that he didn't even give it enough importance to open it and read it. . . well. I know what I think about that and what conclusions I'd draw about my place in the importance of his life.

Get a list of jobs in the house and give him half. If he can deal with a to do list at work, he can deal with one at home.

The thing with this approach is that then you have become The Manager, the Person In Charge of The List, and you have to do the mental effort. The other person just has to do the mindless executing, which is the easy part really. It's the "I'll go to the supermarket if you write me a list" thing. No actual mental effort involved.

Why should OP do the work of creating the To Do list. I bet her DH doesn't have his manager email him a daily task list. I bet he manages to priortise, schedule and organise accordingly at work.

@lonicera no some men are not wired Iike this...to suggest this enables their sexist, misogynistic, lazy behaviour.

If someone can manage to hold down a job which MUST involve some organisational skills they can manage basic , household tasks. It's pure laziness and misogyny. Stop excusing this behaviour.

You have to let him face the consequences although it's obviously much harder when your child are affected.

I am in this situation, I have been begging DH to put things on his phone calendar and lost my shit with him after he forgot the plans I had told him the same fucking day and made contradicting plans with MIL. He has agreed to a shared calendar which pisse me off as it's still on me to do all the scheduling and reminders but it's better than nothing.

He’s doing it on purpose so you do everything.

That’s why he says “ I’d ont know how to fix it” . He wants you to spend even more of your time showing him in detail what to do.

Then he will still do it wrong and he knows you will take over because it’s easier and quicker for you.

Are you happy being married to a lazy sod who spends hours on the PlayStation and leaves everything to you?

Do you have kids yet ? If not please don’t have them as it will only get worse and you will end up really REALLY hating him.

They aren’t wired like this. My dh came like this and I had some serious discussions about I looked 10 years down the track and I didn’t see a happy family, I saw a miserable resentful exhausted me. And I wasn’t going to turn out that way, which alternative exactly happened was his choice. He learnt to prioritise family life and admin just as much as having fun and going to work, like every normal person.

I think it's a couple of things. Firstly he thinks it is below him and is wimminz work secondly he is very very selfish. If it doesn't affect him, he doens't think about it and actually doesn't care. If he did he would be saying to you that he will sort it out, but he isn't because he knows/hopes you will.

I realised this a long time ago with my DP and now I try to only take care of things that directly affect me and the DC. I don't do any thinking for him and I don't notice/log where his stuff his, it has freed some head space and makes me less annoyed. I also push back on things e.g. his sister always used to email me, never him. I simply forwarded the emails to him copying her, in the end she now talks to him. It's not that I don't like her but I am not 'family admin'. I don't do birthdays or christmases for his family, that's his job.

I could rant on, however what I'm saying is this, I don't believe you can change him, he has to want to change and there is no incentive for him because these things don't affect him. If he did he would put things in place, it really isn't difficult!

I’m single with a professional job that I’m good at but I suck at life admin! I’m not lazy and not a man! But I just struggle to keep on top of stuff outside of work. Post sits unopened for weeks at a time. I have faced financial penalties for things i’ve missed doing. I have also tried lots of strategies for getting on top of it and it sometimes works for a while but I slip back again. Everyone is giving malicious reasons for why your DH is the way he is, such as laziness or misogyny but some of us just aren’t great at this stuff. I’m not saying you need to put up with it, not at all. Just that he isn’t being like this to spite you or because he doesn’t value you. Some of us do struggle with those things.

I’m single with a professional job that I’m good at but I suck at life admin! I’m not lazy and not a man! But I just struggle to keep on top of stuff outside of work.

Storm4 the reason you struggle outside of work is because you do not place as high a priority on stuff outside of work. That's your choice because you're single and it only affects you. But you are still doing what the OP's DH is doing: unconsciously you prioritise work, but not home.

If you could work out how to motivate yourself to prioritise home/life admin as highly as work, then it would be better for you. Like I say, there's lots of motivation and inspiration out there.

Some people may struggle more with organising, but no one is incapable. Every adult has a responsibility to learn strategies to cope.

I don't believe that some men are just 'wired like this' because strangely the ones who claim to be are the ones who have someone else to do stuff for them. I've never heard of a single man who lives alone being unable to do mundane tasks like insure his car.

Someone on mumsnet once said that they got their husband to see how hurtful this all was by saying out loud 'fuck you, you do it' to themselves every time he expected them to do it. So she was voicing the contempt that he was showing towards her in his actions. I don't know if it had a happy ending or not, but he admitted that he hadn't realised what a kick in the teeth it was for her to be expected to be his skivvy.

Ok, given some posts from posters who struggle with admin related stuff, it isn't that some men aren't wired like this, maybe some people aren't wired like this.