Decent, straight, single men...do they actually exist?

[MintyCedric]

I really don't want to be a grumpy old cynic but...

43yo, left emotionally abusive ex in July 2016, divorced just over a year. Not so much as a snog since, largely by choice but also no offers and very little opportunity.
Had a brief 'window shop' on the OLD front but the ones I liked weren't interested and vice versa so that didn't get off the ground (tbf put minimal effort in as wasn't 100% sure about it anyway).

Have now stepped away from that and decided to wait a while longer and work through a few lingering issues with myself for the time being.

Have just made the mistake of reading the Relationships thread...so many bad memories and really not a great advert for the male species in general. On a personal level most of the guys I fancy seem to end up being gay, too young, spoken for or way out of my league.

I like my own company and am in no rush but I don't really fancy being on my own indefinitely. Is OLD worth the aggro? I just can't even imagine meeting anyone worth dating in RL let alone having another full blown relationship.

I guess I'd just like to hear some insight/positive stories from people who've been in a similar situation.

Old not worth the aggro no. I've met forty men I'd say. The interesting attractive normal ones who I wanted to see again rejected me. I'm not hideous at all far from it but I guess they can do better. A few, I thought, well, OK, let me give them a chance, and even though I wasn't sold on them they all dumped me first. But no heartbreak so fine. Meanwhile messages from beer bellied men in football jerseys sitting in the front of their car with ''ask me anything'' on their profile occasionally pop in to my inbox.

OLD has lead me to conclude that men only 'stick' and want to commit to you if you're compromising. They get to be entitled. You can't find your equal.

I have stopped trying to meet somebody! But you know, saying that, OLD made me braver, taught me a few lessons. I'm glad I tried.

Major this is kind of my gut feeling at the moment, but am not sure if that's partly because my self-esteem is pretty much on the floor at the moment.

I'd really like to get my mojo back over the next year or so and let nature take it's course on the relationship front, but no-one seems to meet 'naturally any more.

I work in a very female orientated environment (probably 80%+) and have a teenager, so when evenings and weekends roll round I'm either spending time with her, catching up on chores or just plain knackered, so my chances of meeting anyone otherwise are pretty non-existent.

If your self esteem is fragile, dont do it as OLDing will make it worse.
My self-esteem as a person is high. But six weeks OLDing will remind me how low my value as a woman is perceived to be.
Im late 40s though.

ok here goes
Married 27 years left because of physical verbal and mental abuse.
left in the October 2016 with my son.
Self esteem was the lowest it could have been after living with a narcissist.
Started OLD in the April
Bearing my so called marriage had been dead and sexless for 15 years.
I dated many many men. I took it on as a hobby. I was played three times but I learnt from it. My friends jokingly begged me to keep dating as the stories were so funny.
I seriously could have written a book on the adventures I went on.
I met my soulmate in the August 2017. Fate brought us together as in he was the opposite of what I had previously been dating in looks and stature.
I have never been so happy , settled , peaceful and felt loved. I can finally be myself with No repercussions.
I hoped to find what I have but didn't believe it existed if that makes sense.

OLD can be fun but boy do you have to be strong.
I hope you find happiness x

I think a lot of the straight, healthy, reasonable men are likely to be in relationships already. And even if they aren't, there are logistics that get in the way too.

I did try out OLD and met a good guy, but he lived too far away to be practical and we both were quite settled where we were. Plus kids and exes and everything else...

I think now I'm just set in my ways and don't really fancy having to accommodate anyone else

Thank you allgood I'm glad you met somebody in the end.

I do know several people who have met great partners and married as a result of OLD, but I guess I'm also very aware of the pitfalls.

It's not for me at the moment, which is ok. I'm really enjoying being captain of my own ship at the moment and don't mind being single per se, it's just that niggling feeling that it will never happen that gets me down sometimes, but that's probably partly the low self-esteem talking.

I've been referred for counselling to help me get past my current issues, and I really need to address my weight and fitness levels, so for now I think working on myself, enjoying my freedom and maybe getting out a bit more is the way to go.

I'm sure there must be decent men out there...it's just finding them! I went to meditation workshop a few months ago and ended up having coffee with 3 lovely blokes in the break. All of them were gay which is pretty much the story of my life!

I think now I'm just set in my ways and don't really fancy having to accommodate anyone else

I totally get that and think that's in the back of my mind too. I do miss the intimacy (and sex tbh!) of being in a relationship, but when I think of the endless compromises I had to make in my marriage and what would inevitably be involved in another long term relationship/marriage, I do shudder a bit.

My relationship boundaries have changed massively over the last couple of years so I know it will be harder to meet someone who ticks all the boxes from that POV.

I think seeing OLD as a 'hobby' and doing it when you're not too fussed about the outcome is probably a good way of approaching it, but I'm not strong enough just yet.

There are plenty of straight single men. The 'decent' bit is the tricky part. I gave up looking 10 years ago and my life has been better ever since. I've never tried a dating app, but I gather they are a waste of time. If I was trying to find a man I would probably just join interest groups and socialise more.

I hear you.

Another issue I have is that mentally I feel a lot younger than I actually am/look.

When I see blokes that are 'age appropriate' I generally think 'meh, too old!' which is a but unfair as I'm hardly Jennifer Aniston myself!

There is hope OP.

This isn't my win experience but my best friend. She'll be 50 this year and she divorced her (blue collar criminal jail bird husband!) in 2010.

She did OLD for 8 years! She took lots of knocks, did some rejections herself. Found some real gems who wouldn't commit. She really did treat it as a hobby. She had a few short term relationships from it but they all turned out to be lazy, entitled or plain liars.

She has said to me it's both knocked and improved her self esteem at the same time if that makes sense? She says it's made her realistic but more hard hearted.

Anyway, fast to this summer. She noticed the profile an old ex colleague of hers from 30 years ago OLD. He noticed hers at the same time. They messaged each other in a 'reunion' type of way. They'd always got on well, a bit flirty, but they'd always been in other relationships. They immediately clicked again like they'd never lost touch.
They've been dating very happily now for 4 months. I know it's not long but this guy is so right for her. It's just so easy. I have all my fingers crossed for her.

Interestingly, I have a male friend who having a hard time OLD. He lives in Devon. When he was in the 35-40 bracket he was getting dates all the time, now he's 43 he's getting nothing. He's finding it all a bit depressing. Shame, he's a lovely man.

Trampire shame he's in Devon !

OP, I've been divorced a similar time to you and the longer I am single the better I am finding it. It took me a while to let go of the feeling that I "ought" to be in a relationship. Re OLD I don't fancy the men who are interested in me and vice Verda

''I don't fancy the men who are interested in me and vice versa''. Yupp! my experience, succinctly put @chiaraRimini, and the longer it goes on the more I let go of the idea that I ought to be in a relationship.

@trampire I live in Devon and I’m 43! Send him over :)

OLD is just for players, IME. Wouldn't bother with it.

Ignore the relationships board.

People only post there if they have problems.

There are millions of people in great relationships, but they're not necessarily going to start threads about them because A.) It would be boring and B.) They get accused of boasting (seen this lots of times on MN).

@trampire, if your friend is not getting dates at 43 I'd hazard a guess it's because he's not raised the age profile of the women he's looking to date. Any man who's enthusiastic to date women his own age or even nearly his own age will literally be able to take his pick. Is he still trying to date 35 year olds?

I dated a number of men (in the beginning, before I saw patterns emerge, harsh truths unfolding...) and you can date a man close to your age for a while and it seems wonderful, easy, compatible, equal......... but they will not commit if you're their own age because they have half an eye out for a younger partner and this is especially true if they've no children themselves. Even at 44 they're looking for the blank canvas (''baggage wise'' ie, no DC) woman to give them their chance at a family.

I would have thought this was too cynical once upon a time but now I know that the men I dated between 41 and 46 were never ever going to commit to me even though they were lucky to have me!

I know what your female friend means about it raising and lower her self-esteem. I really zoned in on my sense of self over the same period of time I've been internet dating, and that's raised my self-esteem for sure but putting yourself out there makes you realise how low your value is perceived to be, as a woman. But the stronger your sense of yourself the less you're harmed by that view. It doesn't go away though. You can't make the ones you'd be interested in interested in you.

Yep......I am currently divorcing my lovely 42 year old husband. He is wonderful but we are just mates now rather than romantic.

I can provide references if anyone is interested 😂

Tall, dark, kind, honest, solvent. Fab dad. Perfect........for someone that isn't me! I hope one of you meet him (and soon, pleeeeeease take him off my hands)

PS I met my fab new bloke through OLD. We both kissed a lot of frogs first, but have fallen head over heels and he is moving 200 miles to be with me. So it can happen.

A man I dated who was close to my own age, he was expressing frustration with OLD as well when we met as friends and chatted about OLD (a while after our relationship-with-no-future ended) and he was channelling a very cheesed off vibe that he couldn't find somebody amazing and no more than 35. He was 45. He said in frustration and confusion 'women are all supposed to want a man who'll commit right!?' (I had wanted that but obviously not from anybody and not for the sake of it!). He wanted women to commit to him because he wanted a family NOW. The fact that 35 years olds gave him one date to see if maybe he was worth the age gap and then didn't arrange a second date, that really BAFFLED him in a ''what the hell do women want!''' kind of way. It was a sight to behold and luckily it helped me go right off him. He had occupied ''one that got away'' space in my head until then.

If you're going to do OLD just be aware of the pitfalls, realise it's completely a numbers game and that most first dates won't lead to anything more.

Grow a thick skin but know that you are worth much more than the players, cheats and various low life's on those sites.

Very occasionally you'll meet a nice normal man. They are on there

Sounds great Tetley don't suppose you're in the South East?!

I remember that 'please take him off my hands' feeling so well from when I split with my ex. His new gf is lovely...God help her!

Yes. Top tip: drop your height requirement OLD, all the shorter men get filtered out of most searches so there's a lot less competition for them.

I met my lovely STBH through OLD but I'm telling you now, you have to have the thickest skin in the world. It is a cattle farm and there is a lot of players/idiots/liars/married men and woman fooling around on there.

As some others have said, treat it as a hobby. Enjoy dating but don't commit to anything until you've really got a feel for the guy!

Also, if you find a chap who sounds fab in his profile but the photos aren't great... Give them a chance! Some people aren't photogenic--I know this was certainly the case for my OH. God, his photos were shite!!!😂😂😂

TBH did love to be dating someone of 35 with no kids, who doesn't want anymore and doesn't have a problem with me having a 14 yo. Tall order I guess!

Anyway, DD went out with XH last night and he's dropped something of a bombshell (won't go into details as quite 'outing'), which has put me back in the mindset that they are all selfish, thoughtless arseholes and I'd rather not bother...so...result