Decent, straight, single men...do they actually exist?

[MintyCedric]

I really don't want to be a grumpy old cynic but...

43yo, left emotionally abusive ex in July 2016, divorced just over a year. Not so much as a snog since, largely by choice but also no offers and very little opportunity.
Had a brief 'window shop' on the OLD front but the ones I liked weren't interested and vice versa so that didn't get off the ground (tbf put minimal effort in as wasn't 100% sure about it anyway).

Have now stepped away from that and decided to wait a while longer and work through a few lingering issues with myself for the time being.

Have just made the mistake of reading the Relationships thread...so many bad memories and really not a great advert for the male species in general. On a personal level most of the guys I fancy seem to end up being gay, too young, spoken for or way out of my league.

I like my own company and am in no rush but I don't really fancy being on my own indefinitely. Is OLD worth the aggro? I just can't even imagine meeting anyone worth dating in RL let alone having another full blown relationship.

I guess I'd just like to hear some insight/positive stories from people who've been in a similar situation.

Sadly not in the South East. West Yorkshire. But very nice.....6'1" dark and handsome. Would be fine with a 14 year old and doesn't want more kids.

Please take him from me.....please!!!

Without meaning to turn your thread into a dating critic of my single friend in Devon OP....

He has actually raised his dating range to include right up to 45. Still very slim on the ground for dates he says.

I think it's a few factors -

He's an artist. He makes money but not a lot. He says many women he speaks say they want to be wined and dined. He hasn't an abundance of money to do that.
He also has 2 children from a previous relationship (secondary age) who he has custody of 50/50. He had them one week on, one week off. He says this seems to put some women off.
Lastly, I haven't told him this because he had them for decades but....I think his hair puts some women off. He's a white man who has dreadlocks in a surfer-type style. Although this didn't seem to put women off under 40, maybe that's changed?

All in all though, he's a great guy. Loving, passionate, caring, great sense of humour. I really feel for him as he really wants to find that one person.

Have just made the mistake of reading the Relationships thread...so many bad memories and really not a great advert for the male species in general.

In fairness it is a bit daft to use the MN relationship boards as an example of typical male behaviour!

OLD can be a slog, I tended to persevere with it for a few months at a time before taking a break. Sadly OLD is very much a numbers game and you can dwell too long on failed dates or time wasters. I could be wrong but even reading your OP it seems your head isn’t in the right place to be embarking on a new relationship anyway?

Pan you're right of course about the Relationships board. God knows I spent enough time on their when own relationship was going to cock! You just forget all the horror stories when you're not constantly reading/living them.

And yes, I'm probably not in quite the right headspace for any of it at the moment. It sounds stupid probably, but at this stage I'm not so much wanting a relationship, as hope that it's a possibility when the time is right. I know no-one in RL in the same position which I guess is a bit isolating.

Having said that...I'm very arty Trampire, and I love Yorkshire ! Have a cottage booked in Stanbury for next year's summer holiday so Tetley if you still need him taken off your hands by August '19, drop me a PM!

Reading this thread im wondering if i just need to move!

OMG the typos...please ignore

I kissed a lot of frogs OLD treated it as a hobby... did it a long time never really met anybody. Roll on August 2012 I met the love of my life on there it just clicked.
I found though that a lot of men treated it as a catalogue considered all women obtainable to him and he could pick and choose so obviously he wanted the 10s when he's a 6 so somebody like me whose a 6 (if im being kind!) Didn't really get many messages.

So did I for a while, but there are more rewarding hobbies

@trampire, I thought he sounded wonderful until you mentioned the dreadlocks. I've dated an artist before though. I don't expect to be wined and dined. I would value a man who understood parenthood and who was capable of good conversation. These men are thin on the ground. I suppose a lot of men would find me boring because I cannot talk about football though.

I was on my own for ten years. I was made to sign up to muddy matches by a friend and met the most wonderful man. We were friends for 3 years first but have now been together for 2 1/2 years. He is kind, decent, hard working, funny and loving and I love every single atom of him.
Keep faith. There is someone like that out there for you.

@MintyCedric I will bear that in mind for next year 😂😂

Seriously though, you mentionned feeling a bit body conscious, please don't.

I am overweight, with a tummy apron from a c section. I have to say, very few men that I have dated have given two hoots. I now have a fine array of corsets, and other scaffolding. Even when it comes off, most men by that point respond appropriately I.e. with gratitude!

Men seem to give much less of a shit than we do. And that is men from late 30s to early 60s.

So noone should feel down on themselves physically before embarking on OLD. My suse 18 wobbly bits helped identify the few arseholes who were completely shallow. I would never have known if I was a size 10.

Besides......those blokes tended to be extremely slim themselves, and I don't fancy shagging anyone I might break, so it would never have worked.

Work with what you have and feel good about yourself.

Suse? Size rather!

I don't fancy shagging anyone I might break

Hahaha!

I'm sure you're right. I'm a bit bigger than an 18 and feel very fat, frumpy and old at the mo. I'd probably be ok at a 16/18.

It's also holding me back from other things which is the main reason I want to work on it. I've always wanted to travel but never had the opportunity - just came back from 4 days in Barcelona and could barely move after all the stairs (not sure they understand the notion that escalators need to actually move out there!) and walking!

Minty cedric, from everything you've said, I really think you need a few years being single.

you've been married for years right? You're barely out of it. You need to lose that weight, you plan to go travelling etc. So many things more important than finding a man. I'd say you may not even know what it's like to not have one.....

something I've never been the type to need a man for the sake it, but I was very young (barely 21) when I met XH so from that perspective you have a point.

Just before I met him I'd bought my own flat, and since buying my new home I've decorated and furnished it single handedly.

I'm actually quite capable and independent, but that's been seriously dented by 20 years with someone who always had to be in charge. It used to frustrate the hell out of me but it was easier to go along with it than deal with the ensuing fallout if I tried to protest. I'm one of those women who would 'never' have got into that kind of relationship...

I wouldn't call 2.5 years barely out of the marriage, but I guess the dust hasn't settled yet. As I've said upthread, even though it's not for me right now, it's still nice to hear positive stories, because sometimes the idea of having another relationship at some point seems totally impossible.

I was basically on my own for 11 years after divorce from an emotionally abisive man. Loads of dates loads of one two three month darlings with blokes. OLDall that.

Added an old colleague on Facebook (he came up on my people you might know) in mid August. We went for a coffee at lunchtime the next week and have been dating ever since.

We are so right together. We laugh such a lot and we fit together. He’s just met my friends and I’ve just met his and we reckon we will do a meet each other’s grown up kids at Christmas.

@MajorArcana said if your friend is not getting dates at 43 I'd hazard a guess it's because he's not raised the age profile of the women he's looking to date. Any man who's enthusiastic to date women his own age or even nearly his own age will literally be able to take his pick

As a 44-year old single man, who did OLD for far, far too long, this is such utter bollocks! OLD has so many variables - the above may be true in a city, but if you live semi-rurally or rurally, it certainly is not the case.

Most people in their 40s have a very fixed idea of what they want in a partner, male or female. Their dealbreaker list is often much longer than in their early 20s. You may like the look of someone but find they've got two small children rather than you who have two kids at uni and you may not want to go through the whole small kid thing again. That's before anything to do with mutual interests, beliefs. When I was OLD I found that height seems to be very important to a large number of women. I'd say at least 50% of women between 5 ft 3 and 5 ft 6 said they were only looking for guys taller than 6ft. I'm 5 ft 10. That's fine, that's their preference and they are totally entitled to it, as I might be about not wanting to date someone who has loads of tattoos. We all like what we like.

I have horror stories about women doing OLD just as women do about men (I'm sure women have it worst, but to assume men get their pick really is far from the truth).

Oh, my search parameters were 5 years younger and 5 years older than me when I was looking (my ex had been 10 years older than me).

When I was OLD I found that height seems to be very important to a large number of women. I'd say at least 50% of women between 5 ft 3 and 5 ft 6 said they were only looking for guys taller than 6ft

Absolutely this. like I said upthread, drop the height requirement and a whole new vista of eligible eager to please men opens up

The height thing is an issue. True. As a short person myself, I've ventured off on a few OLDs to meet shorter men though, one who was 5'6'' ish, we;d had a good rapport online. Anyway, I get there and he is not only shorter than he said he was but but looks DISAPPOINTED as he looks at me. He walked in smiling and then his face fell so quickly. And I've been told by other people that my photos were representative! so that was a tortuous date.

Another time, I went on a date with a short man and I really liked him, thought we'd got on great, real spark, and hoped for a second date so I was surprised when I got a text to say that he'd ''met somebody'' -that was between sunday night and tuesday afternoon so I texted back ''oh, sorry, thought I was on a date with an available man'' and he responded to clarify that he was available on sunday but not today (tuesday). she's a lucky woman as he clearly knows his own mind

I thought I'd look for this army of neglected short men (as I"m only 5.2'' myself) but apparently there are very few short men on line as they are all lying about their height. I put in a search for men of 5'7 - 5'8'' and nobody came up

No, the good ones are gone. My single friends and family members keep searching, but they seem to all be taken.

Hmmm dropping the height requirement might work for some...but at 5'10" without shoes and well over 6' with them, dating someone who was 5'7" would feel like taking a child out! Just back on the OLD not-so-merry-go-round myself! It's like swimming with Great Whites sans cage! But giving it another go... not yet found the elusive lovely guy... but beginning to amass a whole new bunch of stories to dine out on! Sighhhhh

@MajorArcana Maybe you should have looked for the neglected average height men like me, the 5ft 9s and 5ft 10s, rather than "short"?

As for men lying about their height, people lie about lots of things. A lot of women lie about their age (or have had very hard lives)!

I had the reverse. I'm a very average looking guy, first to admit it, until a year or two ago, people would guess my age at around 8 years younger. I even had people accusing me of using someone else's photos as "the guy in those photos is clearly a lot younger than 38". Good genes, as my dad looks around 10 years younger than he is, too. Fortunately I am starting to catch up a bit.

@Sassy See I totally get that. If you're 5 ft 10 without shoes, I can totally get how it would feel odd to date someone shorter. But women of 5 ft 2 - 5 ft 6 could surely cope with 5 ft 10?

Do agree @ShatnersWig - that seems v odd! Am happy with same-ish height to me too so from 5'9" isn't a problem (I am happy in my flats most of the time!). But I keep getting matched with men who are 5'7 and given height is the one thing that seems universally is where the truth is 'stretched' (or not as the case may be!), that won't end well for anyone but a chiropractor

I get it too sassy. But @shatnerswig, I've tried everything! Seriously, and I have a bad habit I think of overlooking everything (bad) and hoping for the best. Like if I think there's something there ie, a rapport, a chemistry, I'd never rule a man out because he was too short or too fat or too bald. I did date a very interesting eccentric man who was truly an individual but he had a top tooth missing and it turns out that that is my line. He went to kiss me and I literally winced. He was a really interesting person and a trip to the dentist would make him a catch (to an unconventional person like myself, not somebody looking for a man with a secure job as he was an artist of some description, so as well as the no top tooth, he also had no income!!! he lived in a structure he'd built himself, but it was lovely) And I gave that guy a chance! So nobody could accuse me of having a checklist out of my league iyswim. Anyway, I give up now. But not in a defeatist way. I just don't think OLD is the right platform for somebody to SEE you and value you. They meet you and in that context you're like a battery to them. Utterly replaceable, interchangeable at best disposable at worst. Over the same length of time I've been OLDing my sense of self has become clearer and I feel braver about my future alone. I'm not putting myself through this any more because of a misguided feeling that I ought to be in a relationship. Literally the only ''relationships'' (committed that is) that were on offer to me over the last four years or so were from men I felt so little attraction to that it was nearly uncomfortable. There needs to be physical attraction or you're signing up to a couple of decades of dodging sex.

Oh, one man I really liked, I met him early in my adventures, his wife had come out as a lesbian so sex had been thin on the ground during their marriage!! I did like him but the attraction wasn't there so even though he was really pursuing me (more seriously than anybody else I met on line) in the end I had to say to him, look what do you want? another sexless relationship? he gave up after that luckily.