Decent, straight, single men...do they actually exist?

[MintyCedric]

I really don't want to be a grumpy old cynic but...

43yo, left emotionally abusive ex in July 2016, divorced just over a year. Not so much as a snog since, largely by choice but also no offers and very little opportunity.
Had a brief 'window shop' on the OLD front but the ones I liked weren't interested and vice versa so that didn't get off the ground (tbf put minimal effort in as wasn't 100% sure about it anyway).

Have now stepped away from that and decided to wait a while longer and work through a few lingering issues with myself for the time being.

Have just made the mistake of reading the Relationships thread...so many bad memories and really not a great advert for the male species in general. On a personal level most of the guys I fancy seem to end up being gay, too young, spoken for or way out of my league.

I like my own company and am in no rush but I don't really fancy being on my own indefinitely. Is OLD worth the aggro? I just can't even imagine meeting anyone worth dating in RL let alone having another full blown relationship.

I guess I'd just like to hear some insight/positive stories from people who've been in a similar situation.

before I decided to give up I wondered if an old fashioned agency where you have to go IN and register, with passport and they measure you was the way forward! But somebody who used to work for an agency told me that it's all women on their books, so Shatner's wig, go to a real life agency. If you're still bothered that is.

There needs to be physical attraction or you're signing up to a couple of decades of dodging sex.

THIS. Precisely. Of course there are plenty of decent, straight, single men out there. Just as there plenty of decent, straight, single women out there. But we don't necessarily find them attractive to US.

I just don't think OLD is the right platform for somebody to SEE you and value you

And this too. But it applies to both sexes. I once messaged someone and they replied with a polite "thanks but no thanks" (which made a change, most messages go unanswered). Bizarrely, three weeks later I met her at a social event and she gave me her number. I didn't call her back. She looked rather different in real life to her photos (at a guess they were at least 5 years out of date whereas mine were recent).

OLD is a sweet shop conveyor belt mentality for a great number of people of both sexes. There are people who in real life they would find interesting and attractive they ignore on OLD because there is so much window shopping and there's another one along in a minute.

This is why I no longer do it, even if it is committing myself to permanent singledom!

@Major If I had the money... they are EXORBITANT (I didn't look at it once and decided it was pointless as I'd have no way of paying to go on dates once I'd paid the horrendous fees) and again, I think unless you are living in a big city, the numbers on their books are very slim and will have financial expectations as a result of paying those fees.

OLD is a sweet shop conveyor belt mentality for a great number of people of both sexes

Urghh...see I had left it long enough between OLD bouts to forget this... am 2 weeks in to a 6 month stint...this is gonna be a lonnnngggg 6 months!

I don't think I'm like that. On the rare occasions I've met somebody, been attracted to them and liked them and found it easy, I've wanted to get to know them properly. They dumped me the second it was no longer new. I think this often happens in real life too but maybe less so?

@Major But that could just be natural results of dating. As you date a couple of times, one person finds the attraction grows and the other doesn't. That's not necessarily anything to do with OLD per se. And surely no one wants to have their time wasted either?

I think it is a given that there is going to be a lot of stretching of the truth by men and women when it comes to OLD, especially ‘body type’ with men claiming to have ‘athletic’ frames and women claiming to have hour glass figures! When I was doing it (in my early 30s) I got completely fed up with women lying about their ages and very prescriptive ‘lists’ of the ‘you must be/have....’ variety. I guess you soon work out strategies to weed out the time wasters and actually start meeting people who are on the same page as you.

Yes. It's just really hard to keep giving another person a chance. I find it really hard to muster up any enthusiasm to even chat with somebody on OLD as in four years, these chats have become more and more repetitive and have not lead to anything more than getting dumped (again). I'm fine in myself and not lonely so without that need to deal with extreme loneliness there isn't enough motivation to keep giving people chances which is why I am just trying to become braver, create a life that suits me more, indulge my passions a bit more, study for pleasure. Just live the life I would live if I had a partner. Book tickets for the shows I want to see and 9 times out of ten find somebody to go with. Just forge ahead. With enthusiasm. No good relationship to support me no uncertainty to make me anxious no bad relationship to drain me. This is better than anything else I know or have experienced.

I lie about my age now because I realised all the men were doing it too. I was so naive to start with. I used to go off to meet a man believing he was only 3 years older than me only to realise he was 7 years older than me. So I realised it was necessary to lie to be in the search parametres of men about 3-8 years older than me. If I told the truth about my age I'd be appearing oNly in the search parametres of men 9-15 years older than me which is just a waste of everybody's time.

@Major At least you get chats. Majority of men OLD don't get that even unless they are really good looking. If you speak to the average man they might get one reply to every 50 messages they send out. Often it's a higher ratio than that (again, depending on where you live). Women complain about copy and paste generic messages but that's why most give up sending something personalised because it ends up being a waste of time.

I always did bother to make a personal message referring to something in their profile but half the time they don't even get read because the women just get so many messages.

I also wonder about this statistic that gets banded around about most people meeting through OLD. Because I know dozens and dozens of people who used it over the last 10 years. Only one wedding (and that hit the rocks early on but they struggle on) and one long term relationship. Everyone else nothing more than three months.

I lie about my age now because I realised all the men were doing it too

No, they aren't all doing it too. And do you really think it's a good start to a possible relationship to lie? If I went on a date with you, and you liked me, when would you "own up"?

Well yes, I admit it in person, but men have such a tainted view of any woman their own age, it's like a status thing, even if the woman is still attractive, healthy, slim, good teeth, well-dressed, funny, positive, sane, full life, if she is (gasp) their own age, they just rule her out in their search. And then I've admitted in on dates where they seemed to like what they saw but I think even subconsciously, knowing that you're not as young as they believed you were, even if they like what they see and like you as a person, it lowers your perceived value.

I was very idealistic to start with though and I did think that there was no point going on a date if it was based on a lie. But then sitting opposite men who'd shaved FAR MORE than I would ever dare too off their age taught me not to be so idealistic and not to shoot myself in the foot by starting the race from 100 metres behind the block.

The men I've shown up to date have all lied about their age OR their height. Or both! There was ONE exception to that and he didn't want to see me again. He was very cold in teh way he blew me off though! very cold. So no he didn't bluff but he wasn't able to soften a rejection AT ALL either.

I'm not internet dating any more though. As I said, I've given up. It's just not fruitful.

Please stop saying "men are this" as if it's fact and every man is the same. We are NOT all the same, no more than all women are the same. I can understand your experiences make you jaded but even so.

I met my DH OLD and I know a load of other people who did too. I guess it depends on the quality of the site.

Those of you on OLD, out of curiosity, do the men fall into different types according to which site you are on? Which sites do you recommend, which would you advise to avoid like the plague?!

let's just say some are more meat markets than others. I'm not in the UK so not much point in me giving recommendations.

@fluffy Your best bet is to ask over on the dating thread in the relationships board for those who are currently dating rather than us jaded sorts who think it's mostly shit!

I was lucky enough to meet my husband in my extended social circle, but I know of a few friends who have had success with online dating. All of their stories are different though.

One friend met someone perfect for her almost straight away. She’d been messaging a few people for a couple of weeks, but he was the first she clicked with and first she met, and they’ve been together for 6+ years and have kids.

Another friend had many messages and texts, but not all that many that converted to meetings, and when he did meet them it rarely worked out. He joked that he was just collecting female friends. He’s a decent guy, mid 30s, fairly average looking and very open minded (no upper age limit etc, and didn’t rule out people with kids or disabilities). It took him maybe 3-4 years to find someone, and they’ve been together a year now.

There are still more friends still looking and not having much success, and one friend who has had a few bad relationships that lasted over a year each because she met guys online who took advantage. The message I’ve got is that it’s worth trying, especially if you don’t meet new people otherwise, but you need patience and to go into it with your eyes open.

Is that directed at me shatnerswig? Not sure. But I was talking about my own experiences on line. One is entitled to have observed a few patterns emerging after having dated 40+ men!

MajorArcana, you are making an awful lot of sweeping generalisations about ‘men’, I appreciate OLD has not worked out for you but lumping all the negatives you have experienced as being somehow standard behaviour is a sad way to view things. Most of the weddings I have attended over the last ten years the couple have met online. I met my wife online. It clearly works for quite a few people and all of them I imagine have had to slog their way through various rejections, crap dates and other disappointments.

As for lying about age I never did it because as alluded to already it’s a bit of crap way to start a relationship and a colossal waste of time. I wanted to meet someone close to my age as there was a better chance of them being at the same stage in life as me (ie wanting to settle down, start a family etc). When I met people who had clearly posted out of date photos, lied about their age, failed to mention children, or bullshitted their interest in hobbies/sports etc I just got annoyed at them thinking I am going to ignore all that I proceed with a relationship. Why waste yours and others time?

Anyway, it’s not hard to develop strategies that help eliminate the time wasters and ensure that people you met were on the same page as you. I actually had some great dates with interesting people who although there was no romantic connection we went on to become good friends anyway.

@Major Yes, it was, and @Pan noticed it too. There is a difference between saying "in my experience, the men I have met have such a tainted view of women their own age....." than "men have such a tainted view of women their own age"

I thought it was obvious that I was talking about my own experiences. I'm entitled to have had MY OWN EXPERIENCE and to relate it as that. If you thought I was presenting it as any more than my experience then., well, I'll just ask you to scroll back and look at your comment that short women should be able to date men under 5'9, 5'10''. I agree with this of course so I let it slide but the inference in your comment there seemed to be that short women don't date average heighted men. That is a generalisation but I extended the courtesy of letting it slide because I knew that it was a generalisation and it was in. your. experience.

Namaste

And actually, I think OLD has worked out for me! But not in the way that most people understand to be a success. It has raised my boundaries and made me braver and forced me to confront a few issues. To be very LA I've worked on myself (not 100% linked to OLDing but alongside it, so it feels like a lot of the lessons learnt, conclusions drawn, boundaries raised and bravery found come from OLD in a roundabout way. It has clarified my thinking. Chasing after a needle in a haystack is a terrible way to spend a short life. If I'd never tried OLD I'd always have that regret that I should have tried to get a partner. Now I know that I am brave enough to age alone and that it won't hold me back or prevent me from going anywhere I want to go or trying anything I want to try. So four-five years internet dating were not a waste. It worked out for me because I appreciate the introspection and development that went with it.

That's a success story imo

To answer the op- no, not loads, but there are some.
I did OLD off and on, just out of boredom really, and to get to go out now and again.
I replied to all messages that were funny/polite/ interesting.
I always "failed to mention" I had kids before meeting someone in RL (obvious reasons) and actively avoided men who went on about their kids in their profile (or had pictures of themselves with their kids-what's that about??) I'm small town up north and most people over 30 have kids though so it's not like it's a big shocker when you tell them
My criteria was: employed in some way, over 5, 8", chatty and intelligent.
I went out with a really wide variety of guys, had a few flings, and had some nice dates even when they didn't turn into anything. I had the odd rubbish date too , and LOADS of cheesy or sleazy messages but I just brushed it off.
Ended up with DP, who is (so far) decent, but there are things about him that would probably put other women off..
He's broke for one thing! But, you know, all in all he's kind, funny, deeply quirky and good in bed so I'm happy.
It's when you have a picture in your mind of what you want, or a huge checklist that you don't even give anyone outside of that a chance that it feels like there's noone out there.