Gutted after 1st parents evening

[Jamct23]

Sorry I’m advance for the very long post This week my 3 year old had her first parents evening this week at our local school nursery, I was so excited but now I just feel deflated and abit of a bad mum. The teacher basically spoke the whole 10 minutes about behaviour she said she had a lot of concerns and I should speak to our health Visiting Team and the school senco. Our daughter is an only child and only grandchild so far she is the apple of our family’s eye but she does get very spoiled not just with toys etc but also time everyone calls to see her almost daily days out etc. She went to the local day care from around 18 months and we always have days out with children her age (my friends children) or dinner at each other’s houses things like that anyway the teacher said nobody wants to play with her for very long as she snatches she has no attention span and has to be told over and over again instructions, if she does something wrong she is overly apologetic (the teacher said she has to tell her to stop saying sorry and forget about it) she only works well in small groups basically it was telling me she’s a handful but academically she’s doing very well numbers words letters retelling stories at the end she said she feels we should see the health visitors regarding getting her behaviour checked? She didn’t actually say it but through out I felt she was implying some form of adhd I could be wrong but that was the impression me and DH got. I haven’t been to pick her up or drop her off since as I have been in work but I’m totally at a loss? Should I bother doing these things she’s suggested? Or should I just assume my daughter is a 3 year old with a short attention span that needs to learn to share? Thanks for any suggestions

I would talk to the people you have been advised to see but not be too worried at this stage.

You don't want to turn a blind eye if there is a problem, especially if it might be something that can be easily remedied but it may just be her developmental stage or a need for a bit more time to settle into nursery.

The moving to being into a ratio of one adult to eight children can leave children used to a lot of individual focus to be a little bit lost, they get used to it though and it is good preparation for when they are just one in a whole class.

I would do as the nursery teacher suggests. I don’t really understand why you wouldn’t - they have an entire class of three year olds and are telling you that yours needs extra support to help her.

Yes. Listen to the teacher. She has no reason to make it up. You many not have picked up on anything before as you don’t necessarily know what you’re looking for and also, you don’t spend the day with your daughter and up to maybe 38 other children. Suppsosing there is something she needs help with, it can take a long time to arrange so absolutely act on the teachers advice now.

I don’t think contacting who the teacher suggested would do any harm atall and i know it wouldn’t hurt to get a second opinion on her behaviour I think I’m feeling abit sensitive about it as I honestly haven’t seen her behave in any of the ways the teacher said and I don’t mean that as in she is an absolute angel but honestly Everyone comments on how well behaved she is, I just think it’s a little premature She’s only been there 8 weeks and I just feel a little more settling in would help as it is a big adjustment

i think you are right about a little more time for settling in. Maybe try and arrange to observe your daughter in her nursery setting without her knowing you are there? This can be illuminating regarding both her behaviour and how she is being managed. It is a big ask to move from a home environment where she is the total star of all adults there to being one of a group of 8. Could you arrange some play dates with other parents ...maybe in a soft play where again you can be quietly observant but don't mention concerns to the other parents on play date at this stage so that you can observe their reactions to your daughter without first presenting them with a bias if you see what I mean. Do they think her occasional snatching of toys is the normal amount common in 3 year olds and just needs a bit of parental guidance or do the other parents seem to react as though its excessive. She possibly just needs a bit more time to adjust and a bit of quiet firm guidance. I would beware exploring official channels until you've had a bit of quiet observation yourself. Beware of getting your child labelled as the difficult one so young. If after you've had a bit of observation yourself you are still concerned you can always explore these other avenues then. Good luck op.

Children behave completely differently at home with parents and as parents know their child well it is easy to miss things.

My niece was slow at picking up words, but she did speak and we all could understand what she wanted as we were familiar with her. Her nursery worker asked her to see a speech and language therapist, she wasn't concerned so told to keep and eye on her. Sometimes she would listen sometimes not. Her key worker suggested we got her hearing tested. She has servere hearing loss and now wears hearing aids. Her hearing will continue to deteriorate. All of us her whole extended family thought she had 'toddler selective hearing'. We were wrong, a outside person can often see things family cannot.

It certainly won't do any harm to get her checked.

That’s a really hard thing to hear .

But the teacher has no agenda other than to help your daughter and presumably lots of experience, so I would follow it up. Hopefully she will have grown out of the issues by the time she gets seen, which will probably take a while.

Bless her she’s only three.
Days out don’t spoil a child. Never ever saying no or allowing them to believe tantrums get what they want would spoil them!
How does she behave if you go to places like soft play or at birthday parties etc?
Children aren’t born knowing how to share etc. It’s up to us to teach them.
With the repeating instructions is there any chance of any hearing issue? Some children can cope at home but not against background noise.
Don’t panic!

thanks shiningstar2 we are actually out this coming Saturday at a breakfast Halloween event sort of thing with my friend and her children I’m definitely going to take a back seat and observe the teacher did say i can observe if/when my daughter has these observations done at school with health visitor or senco, I feel exactly as you said I don’t really want her labelled or diagnosed as such at such a young age I know children behave differently according to settings and people but I just think it’s a little bit over the top- I think I feel a little more upset as she didn’t once suggest working on any behaviours at home just went straight in with “behavior referral” And as for my daughter being overly apologetic I’m abit miffed at that one? Not really sure what to do with that

Jamct, what a crappy thing to have to endure. And that’s coming from a teacher. This should not have been the first time you heard this. You should have been spoken to about it before, even if it’s just little snippets at the end of the day eg ‘dd had a tough time doing x today’.
Perhaps you could request a few observations or examples of her behaviour. Or you could ask if she would like a friend over to play and observe them. They’ll soon start having parties, which are good for watching social interactions.
Also it might be good to ask for little targets that they and you could work on in school or a star chart. They need to be helping you too, not just dumping this on you out of the blue.

Thanks for the advice everyone reflecting now I will approach the people the teacher has suggested like I said it can’t do any harm Wolfiefan she’s really quite good sometimes she gets a little wild especially if we are at an indoor play area nothing over the top but like any 3 year old ready to run around like crazy having fun, she went through a sort of tantrum stage a year or so back but I don’t remember it lasting very long she generally follows instructions well but gets distracted easily. She had her last hearing test at new born and is next due at 5 but getting her hearing checked may not be a bad idea Thankyou

Thanks Binksyb it really was out of the blue on one occasion I was told at pick up she had been abit upset toward the end of last play time as she wanted to stay outside. She still had red eyes at pick up other than that nothing I also work locally and have spoken to the teaching Assistants dinner ladies who also haven’t mentioned a thing

A little surprised at this being mentioned so early into the year, unless it is really quite severe in nursery, otherwise I personally would have still mentioned all that was said but would not have been my main focus.

When playing with friends children have you ever noticed if she dominates play?
Or the opposite and is shy and just goes along with whatever without question?

I think the teacher is talking about potential autism, not ADHD. From what you are describing there would be alarm bells. If nursery is suggesting involving the senco it is well outside the norm for behavioual problems. Get seen so early support and intervention can begin.

MichonessBFF hi I’m surprised to as she only started in September it actually depends who she’s playing with I have a lot of friends and my own cousins that have children her age and I really would say it depends who she plays with children that she sees more often I would say she’s the quite one that follows there lead

Sorry dominates sounds like I am asking if she is bossy and I am not.

I mean does she have lots of play ideas and tends to lead with them (nothing wrong with that)

Sorry again if you were offended by my words.

Madwomanuptheroad really well then I am way off the mark Autism? I may be being over dramatic but that’s like a punch to the stomachCan I ask what makes you think that? I don’t mean to be rude or anything purely for me to look at? I’m worried now and anything you had advice on would be appreciated. The teacher didn’t specifically mention adhd but I was quite apparent she was leaning towards something along those lines

Go along with what the teacher had mentioned, if there isn’t any issue then no harm done, if there is, it’ll be caught early enough. Please don’t think yourself a bad parent, if her behaviour really had been as bad as you’re now imagining, the teacher wouldn’t have waited until parents evening to tell you.

The teacher is used to dealing with dozens of 3 year olds, and thinks your DDs behaviour is outside what she would expect to see in that environment at her age. Why would you just ignore her suggestion? Go and see someone and find out if they agree, it will be better to know.

MichonnesBFF you didn’t offend in anyway atall just grateful for your advice

I have three daughters with asd. So I have been through it a few times. Also ADHD does not really enter the radar at that age. Girls with asd without associated learning disabilities present in very different ways from what people associate with asd.
If the school is right you are extremely lucky that it is picked up so early so just go with it. There was a good programme on channel 4 a wee while ago called how autistic am I about girls on the spectrum.

They wouldn't be looking at diagnosing ADHD. In this country it is only diagnosed before age 7 in extremely rare circumstances (because the symptoms of ADHD and being a perfectly normal small child are the same).

It may not be that they are thinking about a diagnosis, as such, at all. Clearly the teacher thinks your dd's behaviour is unusual - they may be mistaken. You don't list anything in your OP that strikes me as particularly worrisome in a 3 year old.

Get the health visitor round. They may well be able to reassure you. And if your dd does have some additional needs, the sooner they start being met, the better off she'll be.

I am really struggling on how to advise you as going from your own posts, you child has an array of opportunities, can adapt play to her surrounds and who she is with, academically is on point so far.
The only issues are PSE, which is exactly what the EYFS curriculum is about (obviously there is a lot more to it but one of the main focus's is developing Personal, Social and Emotional Development) this is part of the teachers job to help progress and move forward.

I think all you can do now is meet with the teacher again and ask for them to repeat and further explain what exactly they mean and ask also what they themselves will be putting in place to support her along side what you have been asked to do.

Thanks Madwomanuptheroad I’m sorry to hear you’ve been through this before, I may sound so stupid but is asd an abbreviation of autism?