Gutted after 1st parents evening

[Jamct23]

Sorry I’m advance for the very long post This week my 3 year old had her first parents evening this week at our local school nursery, I was so excited but now I just feel deflated and abit of a bad mum. The teacher basically spoke the whole 10 minutes about behaviour she said she had a lot of concerns and I should speak to our health Visiting Team and the school senco. Our daughter is an only child and only grandchild so far she is the apple of our family’s eye but she does get very spoiled not just with toys etc but also time everyone calls to see her almost daily days out etc. She went to the local day care from around 18 months and we always have days out with children her age (my friends children) or dinner at each other’s houses things like that anyway the teacher said nobody wants to play with her for very long as she snatches she has no attention span and has to be told over and over again instructions, if she does something wrong she is overly apologetic (the teacher said she has to tell her to stop saying sorry and forget about it) she only works well in small groups basically it was telling me she’s a handful but academically she’s doing very well numbers words letters retelling stories at the end she said she feels we should see the health visitors regarding getting her behaviour checked? She didn’t actually say it but through out I felt she was implying some form of adhd I could be wrong but that was the impression me and DH got. I haven’t been to pick her up or drop her off since as I have been in work but I’m totally at a loss? Should I bother doing these things she’s suggested? Or should I just assume my daughter is a 3 year old with a short attention span that needs to learn to share? Thanks for any suggestions

I think the idea of going back to ask them to reiterate the concerns is good. The alarm bells here are less the behaviours described but the teacher advising to speak to health visitor and senco (to get the ball rolling). They will not do this until they are very concerned that their observations are outside the norm.
You may want to take someone with you when you next meet the teacher as it is easy to be so shocked and overwhelmed that you do not fully take it in. Teachers will not give any opinion re diagnosis, they are not qualified to diagnose. However if they have observed her over a number of weeks and probably have observed hundreds of other children her age over the years they have a good idea who may need further assessed.

Slightly off topic but it’s threads like this that show teachers can’t win! Op wishes the teacher would have given more settling in time, posters on other threads demand to know why they weren’t told before parents evening (even though its early in the year!) The teacher has chosen a fairly good time to talk to you about it, not too soon, she’s had time to watch and see if your child is setting as expected and she can clearly see something. If she’d have left it till say after Christmas, I’m sure you’d be complaining that it’s been left too late. Teachers can’t win!
It could be Autism that she’s thinking of (btw Autism in girls can look quite different to boys), could be some sort of processing issue that will involve a SALT referral, could be something else. Speak to Senco and take their advice and try not to get wound up with the finer points of how and when the teacher told you, you need to work together and the teacher just wants to help you. I’m sure she was worried a little about how the initial conversation with you would go.

Asd is short for autistic spectrum disorder. It is not the end of the world - it certainly makes for a colourful home life.
The most useful thing is to look at it as a different operating system of the brain.

I think this is awful for u, she may just need time to settle in and learn their routine. However my niece has many autism traits that family have picked up on but her own parents don't seem to have noticed nor worried. X

Hmmwhatatodo I’m not trying to bash the teacher honestly she was fine and even admitted she was a little nervous about discussing but I didn’t think 8 weeks was long enough to determine and if her concerns was this serious (I personally would say serious) why wait till now?

This is the trouble op, exactly when would have been the best time to bring it up? Teachers can’t win! She will have been nervous because quite often, when parents are told something like this, the parents kick off and have a go at the teacher - why didn’t you tell us before/why are you telling me now, it’s too soon/what? Nonsense!/ I refuse to discuss this further..... and from then on the parent has it in for the teacher or refuses to engage. Not always, but sometimes. So sad when parents refuse to have their child ‘labelled’ and let’s them struggle on without support and the teacher wonders why she bothered. I’m not saying this is you, I’m just making a general comment.

Hi mama17 I’m really confused I don’t know if iv been missing things To know thinking she was a perfectly well little girl to now she has no friends gets upset in school and has behaviour problems x

Btw, she has had her for 8 weeks. It’s likely that she and or other staff picked up on things very soon but would have made a mental note and carried on observing her to see how she got on. I would say this is a perfect time to have brought it up.

The teacher would have needed enough time to be sure that her concerns were well founded, that it was not just settling in period or a few off days. Teachers are nervous about raising these things with "unsuspecting parents" because it has a major emotional impact.
Teachers who raise concerns litterally hit you over the head.
Nobody here can give you a remote diagnosis. If there really is a neuro developmental condition such as asd, you are extremely lucky that you had such an knowledgabe observant teacher who had the courage to speak with you as soon as she was confident that what she saw needed further investigation.

Maybe parents evening was the perfect Tim and maybe I’m being abit overly sensitive, I’m not dismissing what teacher has said and I don’t want to ignore her teaching instinct but at the same same I feel as if my mothering instinct must be way off if I haven’t even noticed these signs. I’m wondering if as she’s our only child I have nothing to compare but then still I should of noticed something if they can notice it in 8 weeks

Definitely talk to the people that they’ve advised you to see - it can’t do any harm and could really help your daughter.

Meanwhile, it could be a wake up call to keep a closer eye on her behaviour at home and make sure that she isn’t being too spoiled or indulged. You can turn that sort of thing around really quickly if it seems to have become a problem.

Don’t worry about it - you are not a bad mum and you clearly love her very much. She’s really young and you can sort out issues nice and early with her.

Look you are in shock. She is the same child she was yesterday or last week. Also because she is your (first) child, she is your measure of what to expect. And that is okay. If there was asd it will show in her behaviour because she is likely overwhelmed, overstimulated etc. If it is asd she will most likely need some extra help to support her and make sure she does not feel overwhelmed and overstimulated. It really is not the end of the world.

Hi there, firstly, don't panic!
It's really good that the teacher has picked up on these things so soon and has shared her concerns with you.

Secondly, It's ok if you haven't noticed any of these things before. A lot of parents don't, especially if it is their first child as they don't really know what to expect. This is really common.

When your child had her 24 month ASQ, her development check, do you remember how she scored? They may have said she was in the white, grey or black areas. Did they want to review her development at all or was her development satisfactory? If you can't remember it will be in her red book under 'routine reviews'. Go to the 24 month page, it's a white and pink slip, and see what notes they wrote, if any.

Call your health visiting team tomorrow. Tell them that you went to your child's first parents evening and her teacher raised some concerns. Just tell them abit about what she said and that they recommended that you go to them for support. They may want to arrange a home visit or a visit to observe her at school. They also may want to complete an ASQ-SE which will give them abit of an insight into her social and emotional development.

It will be fine, the HV service is super.

Let us know how you get on. X

I have a DD who is 7 who has ASD. She presented just like your DD at that age.

What has always worked well for me is to have a teacher write down the behaviors that they are observing. Take what they have written down to the doctor and get her on the list to see a developmental paediatrician.

Asd in girls is very different. Masking issues is a big problem. I sent this to DH earlier today. It sums up our DD very clearly.

Thanks Madwomanuptheroad honestly I’m grateful for the advice it’s just abit daunting as I have no idea about any of it I’m definitely going to act on the advice regarding health visitor senco hearing test etc. X

Have a chat to your Health Visitor, and perhaps have a gentle chat to all the family about being a bit less indulgent. My DD has ADHD and it was around 3 that her behavioural issues started to present. I was majorly offended when playgroup started trying to talk to me about it, and withdrew her. It was very naive of me as she then started school without having had any support and had major issues.

No one wants to hear their children may have issues, but the earlier you confront any head on, the better it is for your DD. She may just be struggling and settling in but being aware is half the battle. And the teacher will have a lot of experience. You must feel a bit shell shocked

Please don’t worry. Do follow it up but don’t panic. Some children struggle in certain settings. Sensory overload etc. My DD struggles if given multiple instructions and she’s 8!

I'd give you a great big hug if I was with you. I've been exactly where you are. My DD first had concerns raised at 3 and we finally got a (private) diagnosis at the age of 9. Parents evenings often left me tearful in the interim because I'd always feel like she was doing so well and I always got screwed up faces and bitten lips from the teachers. The only year I got a breezy "she's fine!" was from a teacher who, on reflection, wasn't that bothered generally.

You'll be years away from a diagnosis - it's usually after the age of 6. In the meantime though, accept all the Senco / HV / Occupational Therapy that is offered to you. The earlier the better. And try not to listen too much to other family members who seem so reluctant for there to be anything abnormal about their grandchild that they minimise massively and make you feel like you're making a fuss about nothing. You're not.

This is your child, and I bet she's a smasher. People who aren't neurologically typical have been responsible for some of the world's greatest advances. Good luck xxx

There may be absolutely nothing wrong but even if there is then there is no need to question yourself if you didn't realise, she is only 3 and I have known SEN specialists not see developmental concerns with their own children (or to see problems where there are none).

We see things differently as parents and that is okay, that is what our children need from us but it is worth listening to the views of professionals alongside that.

I’m not being funny but all of the recent autism / adhd diagnosis amongst my friends and family ... it was obvious something wasn’t quite right to everyone except the parents. You absolutely have to take the teachers advice here. They know kids, they know what’s normal and what’s not, and they are telling you there’s a problem. You owe it to your dd to get her checked out.

Oh, and around here the referral time to see a paediatrician at the child development centre is 30-40 weeks and requires a range of interventions being tried first so there is a bit of pressure in early years to be quick off the mark to try to get the right things in place for a child before they start school.

This means we can't afford to watch and wait as much as we used to, it's far from ideal from a lot of points of view.

No idea where my last attempt to post went but here it is again.
Once your daughter is in bed, have a hot chocolate, glass of wine, whatever you choose and try to find the channel 4 programme "are you autistic". This is purely to give you an idea that it is not the end of the world if this really is at the bottom of it.
Then tomorrow you ask the teacher if you have understood her correctly that your daughter is displaying signs that could (but do not have to be) indicative of ASD. Teachers can't diagnose or give a diagnostic opinion so it will all be very vague.
There is a lovely book called "all cats have Asperger's". (Asperger's is the outdated word for what we are talking about)
Be careful what you Google. Tony Attwood and anything he recommends is usually not bad.

Jamct your mothers instinct isn’t off. Your instinct is to love your child and to think she is amazing just the way she is.
ASD or ADHD or any other label doesn’t mean you are wrong about that. It just means she is different and needs to learn certain skills and behavior in a different way to other children.