Gutted after 1st parents evening

[Jamct23]

Sorry I’m advance for the very long post This week my 3 year old had her first parents evening this week at our local school nursery, I was so excited but now I just feel deflated and abit of a bad mum. The teacher basically spoke the whole 10 minutes about behaviour she said she had a lot of concerns and I should speak to our health Visiting Team and the school senco. Our daughter is an only child and only grandchild so far she is the apple of our family’s eye but she does get very spoiled not just with toys etc but also time everyone calls to see her almost daily days out etc. She went to the local day care from around 18 months and we always have days out with children her age (my friends children) or dinner at each other’s houses things like that anyway the teacher said nobody wants to play with her for very long as she snatches she has no attention span and has to be told over and over again instructions, if she does something wrong she is overly apologetic (the teacher said she has to tell her to stop saying sorry and forget about it) she only works well in small groups basically it was telling me she’s a handful but academically she’s doing very well numbers words letters retelling stories at the end she said she feels we should see the health visitors regarding getting her behaviour checked? She didn’t actually say it but through out I felt she was implying some form of adhd I could be wrong but that was the impression me and DH got. I haven’t been to pick her up or drop her off since as I have been in work but I’m totally at a loss? Should I bother doing these things she’s suggested? Or should I just assume my daughter is a 3 year old with a short attention span that needs to learn to share? Thanks for any suggestions

Please do not think that ASD is bad OP. DD is exceptionally bright. She is 7 and this week wrote a song about Halloween. She finished writing the music score up this morning. Her music teacher is blown away and sent me an email a short bit ago saying he wants the high school kids to produce it and play it during their dance next week. I'm just thankful we had no meltdowns and no one got injured this week.

Do as suggested by the teacher - she has the benefit of being able to compare your child with others the same age to get a sense of what’s typical for the age.

FWIW my son was similar when he started pre-school just before he turned 3. Feisty, wouldn’t always do as he was told, had no interest in other children. To be fair, he’d spent far more time with doting adults than children until that point and was out of his depth socially. The pre-school were brilliant at helping him socialise and I think maturity came into it too. We also did lots of guided social stuff outside of pre-school to help him on his way. He started school in September and we’ve just had parents’ evening. He’s very well-behaved, plays well with other children and has made some friendships already. I’m so pleased and relieved with how it turned out.

So, I’m short, take all advice but also remember she may just need a little more time and experience socialising with children her own age.

I think hmm makes a good point about teachers not being able to win. It was raised too late/too early/too insensitively etc, etc.

There’s always a temptation on hearing unwelcome news to “shoot the messenger” to make it easier to manage.

I think putting those feelings aside and just getting a more expert opinion is a sensible next step, but it might all be nothing.

If it helps, I had a fairly brutal first parents evening for DS2 and I thought the teacher handled raising her concerns really badly. But it did prompt me to get the help he needed, so overall I’d say he benefited from her input.

HI OP, you sound like a loving and thoughtful mother. I agree it’s best you get your daughter assessed, but whatever they do or don’t find, it doesn’t change your daughter, she’s still the little girl you love. My best friend was devastated when her daughter was diagnosed as ASD but she’s a lovely girl and excelling academically. Yes there are challenges but it’s already clear she will go far in life. Hope you get the news you want though.

I don't think you should worry too much. Most 3 year olds have short attention spans and trouble sharing. I'm not sure what good a health visitor would do but it would be worth following it up just in case. It sounds like the teacher was a bit heavy handed. It's too bad she didn't talk about some of the positives of your daughter too.

Health visitors (should) have expert knowledge of child development and can refer OP and her dd on to a range of services, including camhs and paeds - i. e., if OP's dd requires further assessment, by SALT/paediatrician/child psychiatrist/educational psychologist, they can make that happen. They should also be a source of expert parenting advice and be able to signpost op to parenting / child development courses if that may be helpful.

Thanks again for the advice everyone this morning I rang our health visitor explained the situation she was great so easy to talk to and just normalised everything into layman’s terms with me she checked my daughters previous assessments from 12 and 24 months to make sure she hadn’t missed anything and we have set a date for a home visit development review. I’m taking a chill pill and just seeing how it goes x

Health visitors (should) have expert knowledge of child development and can refer OP and her dd on to a range of services
So can the school Senco.

Glad you had a positive call. Let us know how it goes.

Glad it was positive. We had similar with DS1 (although were less surprised as he was clearly exceptional at some things and awful at others even at 3). In the end the LEA specialist decided that whilst there were some traits he was not in a place that needed diagnosis. School were baffled that it had even been suggested as his social skills had ‘caught up’ (he hasn’t bitten anyone for coming into his space, for example ). But we were grateful because it got it sorted and out in the open early. And nursery were very openly grateful that we took them seriously as other parents had not and then had yelled at them later for not making them get a diagnosis!!

FWIW I think it’s highly unlikely to be a developmental disorder if it’s only apparent in school. More likely a child adapting to shared things and mixing with children who aren’t yet their friends. Are the children she mixes with out of school very placid and keen to share maybe and she’s struggling with kids who hog stuff a bit more? If she is overly apologetic I wouldn’t rule out some of the children just enjoying telling off her if she gives a good reaction either!
Did the teacher give any indication of how they were going to help her make friendships or was it just a case of ‘you need to get her looked at’?

Hi the teacher didn’t mention anything about doing things to treat the behaviour in school I was expecting her to ask us to maybe work on thesd behaviours at home but she just said she recommends we speak to the school senco teacher and get in touch with our health visitor I was a little dumb struck and just agreed to what she suggested

I’d definitely be asking the Senco what they can do to help her integrate.
I have a child with asd and also have worked with children with Sen. It doesn’t tend to turn off from one setting to another. If anything some children with asd tend to cope better with the routine at nurseries and school than they do at home so I wouldn’t be too worried in your position. But absolutely seek advice from a HCP, it will do no harm.

If you think her attention is a little off there are plenty of games that help with this. Think games that reward listening as part of the game so the traffic light game, musical bumps/statues, what’s the time mr wolf, simon says etc. Also plenty of time for free play so she has the chance to really get engaged in stuff.
I certainly wouldn’t worry about her being spoiled or having too much love and attention though. That is only ever a positive for development.

That’s a great idea We have a full week off for half term so I will definitely give these games a go. We have a couple of activities planned too first time at the cinema will be this week I think maybe that will give me a good idea regarding attention span also thanks for all of the advice ladies

@Want2bSupermum - where did you get that image in your post of 19:38? It looks interesting but with my dodgy eyesight I can't quite make it out on my monitor

I'm interested in how ASD presents in girls/women but most info is on boys...

Here is a link to the poster.

Amaze.org.au have some good information on girls with autism. They update them all the time.

It can help to know what you are looking for. The M-CHAT (for toddlers) and CAST (for young children) are diagnostic tools that are designed for parents to complete and can easily be found by googling. I have two sons with ASD and they are very different to each other to the observer and each behaves differently at home and school settings and differently from each other. I knew with DS1 because of behaviour at home but he was 'fine' in school. DS2 was a dream at home but School raised concerns. But they do share less obvious traits if you know what you are looking for.

With DS1 it was 'how can you not see?' but with DS2 it was 'what have I missed?' When they were both at the same school it was a mindfuck very unsettling.

I think chilling is a great idea.
The health visitor will help establish whether or not there is anything to worry about.
Sharing is the most difficult thing we ever learn in life so it's not surprising your 3 year old may not yet be on top of it. (This does not apply to twins).
The teacher sounds young and inexperienced and with talk of how your 3 year old is performing academically (wtf!!!) I'd be looking at other nurseries with a more relaxed approach. It will not affect your application to primary school if your DD goes elsewhere for nursery.

Hi moredoll I was shocked at that too I did say she’s an only child etc etc the teacher is 26 (she pointed this out to me on the open evening) we are the same age this is her 2nd year teaching, & when we spoke for all of 2 minutes of how she was doing with education it was basically overshadowed by the previous 8 minutes of her more or less pointing out anything she does wrong. The way I felt she could of told me that my daughter absolute genius but I wasn’t as interested as I was still thinking about all the bad

KeepOnKeepingOnAgainandAgain Hi thanks for those I will have a google later on. It’s all very confusing I find I’m finding these traits very similar to average 3 year old traits, I may definitely be in the same boat as you when it comes to the “what am I missing”

You have had some great advice here OP. I just wanted to tell you our experience. My 2nd DS has ASD and we had exactly the same scenario you have had. He is our 2nd and was very different to his older sibling and was hard work looking back however we adored him and you love and accept the child you have.
He went to private nursery PT on the days I was at work, all fine no concerns raised. Passed all his developmental checks with the HV. He started at school nursery at aged 3 and at Oct half term they took me to one side to say he was 'In his own little world' and I started a thread on here asking for help and advice.
He was diagnosed the following year.
Our HV wasn't great and HV's certainly cannot diagnose ASD. I think you should ask school for a meeting and ask them to outline their concerns and write them down. The senco should be able to tell you what strategies they will use with your DD to help her in nursery. You may then want to take their written comments to your GP to ask for a referral to a developmental paediatrician if your HV can't do it.
The apologising thing could be anxiety and this can be a part of ASD but equally it can be a seperate issue.
All you can do is get your DD any additional help she needs and work with the school and agencies who may be able to support. She is still very little so it is very early days but if she does have any additional needs they need to be recognised and supported.
It is certainly an emotional rollercoaster. I will never ever forget looking at my son after the teacher said 'own little world' and it felt like the world had completely shifted on its axis, I could not comprehend it.he is now 11 just started secondary. He is doing well although we still have our battles.

The apologising thing could be anxiety and this can be a part of ASD but equally it can be a seperate issue.

More likely to be anxiety I think. The nursery sounds very pressured.

I have two children with ADHD and one also has ASD. Believe me it is not easy to get a diagnosis so don't worry about a misdiagnosis. I would think that's very unlikely. It's taken me years to get my DC diagnosed and a real fight to be taken seriously.