Gutted after 1st parents evening

[Jamct23]

Sorry I’m advance for the very long post This week my 3 year old had her first parents evening this week at our local school nursery, I was so excited but now I just feel deflated and abit of a bad mum. The teacher basically spoke the whole 10 minutes about behaviour she said she had a lot of concerns and I should speak to our health Visiting Team and the school senco. Our daughter is an only child and only grandchild so far she is the apple of our family’s eye but she does get very spoiled not just with toys etc but also time everyone calls to see her almost daily days out etc. She went to the local day care from around 18 months and we always have days out with children her age (my friends children) or dinner at each other’s houses things like that anyway the teacher said nobody wants to play with her for very long as she snatches she has no attention span and has to be told over and over again instructions, if she does something wrong she is overly apologetic (the teacher said she has to tell her to stop saying sorry and forget about it) she only works well in small groups basically it was telling me she’s a handful but academically she’s doing very well numbers words letters retelling stories at the end she said she feels we should see the health visitors regarding getting her behaviour checked? She didn’t actually say it but through out I felt she was implying some form of adhd I could be wrong but that was the impression me and DH got. I haven’t been to pick her up or drop her off since as I have been in work but I’m totally at a loss? Should I bother doing these things she’s suggested? Or should I just assume my daughter is a 3 year old with a short attention span that needs to learn to share? Thanks for any suggestions

And I agree op a lot of the traits of asd are also traits of typical young children. It shows up more when children of 5/6 plus are still showing traits that other kids have outgrown. Unless the asd is very severe of course and then a child may seem obviously different much earlier.
But not being the best at sharing and having the attention span of a goldfish are very much typical traits of 3 yr olds ime. A lot is expected of young kids in nurseries these days in terms of sitting and listening when really they should just be allowed to move around and play imo.

OP it sounds as if you are describing my nephew. He was born after many years of fertility treatment and is absolutely doted on by everyone and like your dd gets a lot of lavish adult attention. He is very bright and appears socially confident but has found nursery a very difficult place at times. He struggles to share, gets upset if things don't go his way and needs lots of reassurance if he has done wrong. I think it is because he is so used to being the centre of adult attention that going into a nursery where he is 'one of many' has been a shock to his system. I have a dc with asd and I don't think my dn is on the spectrum.

Your right it’s sounds exactly the same I really do think it’s a case of “adjustment” not being the queen b and learning that in nursery the would doesn’t just revolve around her I’m definitely not opposed to seeing who the teacher suggested as I don’t think it would do any harm but I do think a little more settling in nursery is needed x

We've just had a similar experience although ours was reception rather than nursery. The academic stuff was all fine but lots of concerns were raised about behaviour. She the youngest in the year and hasn't been to nursery or pre-school full time, so I'm not sure if it's tiredness and lack of maturity or if there is an issue. Although it sounds like some other reception parents had similar reports at parents evening, so it might just be that teacher! I guess time will tell. No suggestions for referrals were made, except for getting her hearing tested (which we are arranging although we are pretty sure there is no issue there - her speech is very good and she can hear quiet speech, etc, but we will do it anyway to rule it out).

Hi @eurochick we are doing the same taking the suggestions on board and if help is needed I will definitely take them up on it but to be honest I think the same they are still so little after all and just finding themselves so after an initial panic stage I have calmed down a little. It was just so disappointing to come away from our first parents evening with such a negative feeling, I hope all goes well with the hearing tests I’m sure they are all just still adjusting to “big school” as we call it x

DS (almost 4) started nursery in September at the primary school he will go to. Previously he had gone to a small private nursery. He was the first grandchild and has been doted on by PIL and me and DH. He is still the only grandson. He has lots of attention and time from us all.

DH and I went to our first parents' evening there and were told he is very bright, doing really well with numbers, letters, words, has an excellent vocabulary and understanding, listens well, gets on very well with other children and is kind and funny.

The description he told her of our house in Australia was excellent. We have never been to Australia but he did this once before so it was no surprise.

But he can be very chatty. He can be bossy and speaks up about anything or anyone he thinks is wrong or right. He has been telling the teacher about 'naughty' people if she doesn't see them being naughty and about 'good' people if she does not see them being good. One of the teaching assistants is 'naughty' because she 'drawed ' while the teacher was reading a story, so he told on her. Jamie, his pal, is 'good' because he helped tidy up the mess 'Sam' made and the teacher didn't see so he told her.
He is also 'robust' playing with a ball and co-operative 'most of the time' but has been stubborn 'once or twice' when he has not agreed with something. He is very independent and does not want help. There was a bit of a warning tone to the negative things - as if he is an awkward character I thought.

DH wasn't upset by what she said at all. He said it sounded just like DS but that she hasn't seen him at home to see how he is with us. I came home a bit upset until MIL (ex-Assistant Head) and FIL (ex-Primary Head) said he sounded exactly like DH at that age and actually I could see it. He is 3, has been there 8 weeks and is just finding his feet. He hasn't done anything terrible. FIL said we know he has 'views' and we have encouraged him to speak up. We just need to teach him about appropriateness. He is only 3 still. I think I just expected her to see him as we do which is as amazing, loving, funny, clever, great company. She is there to teach him, not see him as his mum and dad see him.

I am a teacher and can just hear years of phone calls coming home.

@LuluJakey1 I think he sounds like a really fun little boy. That’s what me and DH have said also that she could be one little person at school and another at home and we just arnt seeing what the teachers see when she is with our daughter and vice versa I’m taking it with a pinch of salt and will definitely work along side school and any suggestions they have but as long as I continue to see the happy little girl I have at home then that’s good enough for me, if they think any extra support is needed then great if they think more time adjusting is needed great also I was really upset before hand but have sort of took a chill pill and now I’m just going to enjoy the half term with out trying to get bogged down with it x

You sound like you have really thought it through and made a plan going ahead. You are acting in DD's best interests and that's what good parents do. She sounds like a lovely, happy little girl and has a family around her who all want the best for her. It may all turn out to be nothing but if she does need a bit of help, it is good to get that as early as possible.
Have a great half-term with her. I am sitting here with DD (18 months) who has taken nearly an hour to go back to sleep after some Calpol. Think she is teething again.

Hi, did you call the health visitor?
I've been thinking about you! X

Hi @peppersprayfirstapologiselater yes I called Friday just home and arranged a home visit for next week. Will keep you posted xx