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Original poster

If you have a weekday, term time, childfree wedding you have to accept not everyone will attend!

30 replies

Redgreencoverplant · 17/10/2018 18:41

Just need a rant! DH's uni friends invited us to their wedding which is on a Friday, six hours drive away, in termtime and child free. I work in a school and we have a 2.5 year old. We know noone in the town in which they are getting married. Now I hear that they have been criticising me for the fact that I am not attending (DH is going). The only possible childcare we could have used is MIL and she is a teacher so can't do that day. If it were a Saturday or Sunday we could have made it. Surely people realise that if you decide to save money by having a weekday, termtime wedding then you may not have everyone you want there?!

OP posts:
BackforGood · 17/10/2018 23:14

Yup. You are right.
Just say to them that you hope they have a lovely day and it is a shame you can't be there but that is one of the disadvantages of working in a school - you can't book annual leave like people in many jobs can.
If it were that important to them, then they would have ascertained that everyone could come, before booking it.
As you say, a weekday means there will statistically be more people who can't.
It's a shame, but don't make a big thing out of it.

NonaGrey · 17/10/2018 23:20

You work in a school, what did they think you were going to do? Resign?

They can criticise you all they like but it doesn’t change reality.

Hold your head up high OP no one sensible will think badly of you.

Your DH needs to be prepared to set the record straight with his friends though. Very poor show on their part.

Jent13c · 17/10/2018 23:28

I feel you have been very fair even attempting to find childcare. Unless it was a very close relationship I wouldn't have gone.
I was asked to a wedding once on a Tuesday, I was pregnant and on nursing placement (so I could only miss X amount of days for the whole 3 years. Realistically I would have had to travel mon and wed so that's 3 days of annual leave for an event that I couldn't really be bothered with. I didn't even request if off.

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Weddings
GunpowderGelatine · 17/10/2018 23:33

Was it Jack and Eugenie?

BeaTrewts · 17/10/2018 23:37

They've been criticising you? And your dh is still going?

Sorry, but if it were me, then I'd hope that my dh would back me up and tell them that he won't be going either.

HopeGarden · 17/10/2018 23:46

Totally agree.

Anyone who’s even slightly reasonable will recognise that others cannot always drop everything in order to attend their wedding.

The people who’ve heard the bride / groom criticising you are almost certainly going to understand this, even if the bride / groom are being too self-obsessed to recognise how unfair their criticisms are.

chocsahoy · 17/10/2018 23:56

I always suspected people having weekday weddings maybe wanted a way of keeping costs down / keeping it small /discouraging long lost relatives from attending without being rude and not inviting them.

People can be a bit egocentric with weddings, the world is revolving around them. I wouldn't worry - whether you attended or not will be forgotten soon enough

Rebecca36 · 18/10/2018 00:03

It's not unusual to have a week day wedding. What happens is that people who can get time off work will go and those who can't, won't. Generally, if enough notice is given, people will take a day's leave quite happily but it's different for you who is a teacher.

Is there no-one else who can look after your little one and you go off sick or something? Would be nice if you could go but don't worry about not going. As chocsajoy says, it'll soon be forgotten and at least your husband is going. They really shouldn't moan about you though, they're not in your shoes.

LeftRightCentre · 18/10/2018 00:06

Is there no-one else who can look after your little one and you go off sick or something?

WTAF? Do you not realise that some people do not have childcare available to them and that ringing in sick to go to a wedding can get you sacked? You're not seriously suggesting a person skive off work as a teacher to go her h's uni friend's wedding, are you? Fucking hell. As it is they'd need overnight childcare. Plenty of people don't have that on Planet Reality.

HopeGarden · 18/10/2018 06:15

Is there no-one else who can look after your little one and you go off sick or something?

Hmm This is a ridiculous suggestion. If OP did this and was caught out then she could be looking at disciplinary action, including losing her job.
FinallyHere · 18/10/2018 06:23

It is kind of you to enable DH to go, you do not deserve any criticism

Surely no one is criticising you to your face, so it would be difficult to know what is actually being said, if anything. Perhaps the message is getting getting scrambled and they are only sorry you can't make it....

Original poster
Redgreencoverplant · 18/10/2018 06:26

DH is pissed off but as everything is booked and paid for and he has agreed to share the driving up with another friend he is still going. I think they have tested a lot of people's patience by now as to get exclusive hire of the venue they had to book all the bedrooms so have put a lot of pressure on people to pay for far more expensive rooms than they would otherwise have gone for. Thankfully DH has stayed strong there and is staying in a local air B&B.

They have freely admitted that they considered a Saturday but saw that a Friday was a lot cheaper which is fair enough.

I wouldn't call in sick and jeapordise my job for anyone's wedding, certainly not the one of my DH's friends!

OP posts:
user1493413286 · 18/10/2018 06:32

I’m surprised they’re critical; when I’ve been to weekday weddings the bride and groom are accepted ahead of booking the wedding that some people may be unable to attend. I also think with child free weddings people have to accept that as not everyone has someone they can leave their children with and sometimes the logistics of it when you have to travel are too much

Original poster
Redgreencoverplant · 18/10/2018 06:42

I thought that would be the case too user from what I have seen on MN. However ever since we RSVP they have been asking if I'm sure, is there really nothing I can do etc. And now it seems they are telling people that I just haven't bothered to make the effort.

OP posts:
kalinkafoxtrot45 · 18/10/2018 06:45

They are CF! How dare they! I hope your DH has had words.

NonaGrey · 18/10/2018 07:23

It rather sounds like they are going to lose some friends after the wedding...

SnuggyBuggy · 18/10/2018 07:29

It sounds like that sort of wedding.

Admittedly I had a Friday wedding and didn't realize that it's virtually impossible for teachers to get time off during term time. It wasn't to save money but was because we didn't want to wait 2 years to get married. Didn't moan at anyone though.

tenorladybeaker · 18/10/2018 07:41

Yanbu at all. A weekday termtime childfree wedding absolutely means "we don't want a big crowd" - it self-selects the people who are willing to go through huge upheaval, and gives a handy excuse for anyone who's a bit more distant.

But the stuff about the hotel rooms - clearly the bride isn't that bothered about who comes, she just wants more guests staying over to balance the budget. Reminds me of a previous thread where bridezilla had a thing going with the venue whereby she set the room tariff for her guests, and she set it so high that if all rooms were taken she wouldn't have to pay a penny for venue hire for ceremony & reception, but then all her guests unsportingly couldn't afford the eyewatering rate and went elsewhere.

SnuggyBuggy · 18/10/2018 07:45

I think hotels sometimes talk the bride and groom into doing that and make it sound normal and something everyone does.

Loopytiles · 18/10/2018 07:47

Who has said they’ve been complaining about you?

motheroftinydragons · 18/10/2018 07:49

They are being ridiculous. I hope your DH mentions how much so to them at some point. How is your job less important than someone's wedding?

Don't worry OP I'm in the bad books with some of DHs friends too. They are getting married in a few weeks and I'm not going although DH is (with my blessing). I'm rude apparently.

The reason I'm not going is because they are having a 'children by specific invite only' and my (breastfed) baby who will be just 10 weeks old isn't invited. I have zero issues with child free weddings, but this isn't child free there are quite a few going. I'd be more than happy to leave my toddler with grandparents but I'm not leaving the little one. I don't want to.

It's gotten back to me that there have been several comments from the B&G and other family members about how ridiculous I am, and how I should be preparing baby to be left by training her to take a bottle so I can go (incidentally she'll take a bottle of expressed milk just fine that's not the issue) .

People go weird over weddings, they take things so personally. We've politely declined invitations before (same family incidentally, they are total drama-lamas) and has demands to provide an explanation.

Ignore ignore ignore.

DelphiniumBlue · 18/10/2018 07:52

Who told you that they criticized you? What did they actually say? Is it more likely to just be commenting on the fact you weren't going?
Whoever told you wasn't really helping were t hey, more likely stirring.
Just do what you want and ignore them.

Annandale · 18/10/2018 07:55

Yes i'm with loopy, who is the person 'helpfully' passing on this gossip? Maybe it was a single thoughtless comment or something and not really for anyone to be judged by.

Enjoy not going! I like a wedding but really it is always a bit of a relief when you just can't go.

Holidayshopping · 18/10/2018 07:57

I can’t believe someone suggested to phone in sick! Great work ethic there.

I got married in a Friday but I’m a teacher and most of my friends are too; it was in August though so not an issue!

If I were you DH, I’d give this one a miss-lift share or no life share.

SnuggyBuggy · 18/10/2018 08:32

Besides with Facebook photos it would be really risky

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