Is it me, or is my new flatmate batshit?

[ThierryEnnui]

Posting in Chat so this disappears eventually.

I’m almost sure I’m not BU, but I’d appreciate a sounding board before I compose a strongly worded message!

My new flatmate moved in 3 weeks ago. When I’d met her I saw no red flags - on paper she lives a similar lifestyle to me, we clicked straight away, she’s chatty etc. But within a couple of days, something in my gut just said it wasn’t quite right. On the first morning, she quite loudly knocked on my door and opened it (I was asleep) and asked to borrow a comb. I got up and found her one. 5 mins later, she wants to borrow my toothpaste. And then my hairdryer. Fine, she’s just moved in, but she’s come from another flat share so surely she had these things before?

That evening she baked chicken in so much BBQ sauce I must have burnt a week’s worth of calories scrubbing the dish (which was left on the side, not even soaking). I’m a vegetarian and she hadn’t done much to clean up the raw chicken-y mess from her meal prep: there were chunks attached to the chopping board which she’d put straight into the dishwasher.

A couple of other things:

1. I was away for the weekend and she had come into my room, taken my hairdryer again and not returned it
2. She’s taken one of the sofa scatter cushions for her bed - I didn’t know this until I went in to try and find the kitchen scissors when she was out. The kitchen scissors have turned up this evening after I asked, as they had fallen (?) into her handbag...

All of this is irritating but not a dealbreaker. Until this evening... as I got in from work she asked if she could ask me a ‘strange’ question. Sure, fire away. She very gingerly and awkwardly began to imply she’d invited a bloke over next weekend. I laughed and said ‘don’t worry!’ - it wouldn’t bother me at all. But then she came out with: ‘so would you mind if i paid for you to get a hotel for the weekend?’

I laughed awkwardly and muttered something about keeping out of their hair and that I’m a heavy sleeper so it wouldn’t be necessary, but I feel a) completely baffled and b) like I need to send her a carefully crafted message just making clear that this is my home and I found it odd. One friend’s theory is that she wants the bloke to believe it’s her own flat. Another thinks she’s got weird fetishes

I just think it’s really fucking cheeky and has kind of heightened all my irritation about the other things to the point I feel kind of uncomfortable and like I don’t want to be here! Any tips on what to say in my message would be appreciated - I want to give her a chance and I don’t want to be heavy handed, but I feel I need her to realise that it was a completely bonkers and disrespectful thing to suggest.

Oh wow, good luck for the rest of her notice period 😬
I used to share a flat with a girl who would continually go on about how being a 'pansexual' was amazing.
A couple of weeks after I left our other flatmate told me she'd started having full-weekend orgies (men and women) that would often spill out into the (shared) living room 😱
Hopefully that isn't what she has planned!

Come on now OP. We are all with you in spirit. Big girls pants on.

I feel anxious on your behalf!
Hopefully she will leave without too much fuss 

Are you ok?

Just go and clear the air you can't keep avoiding her. Good luck

Hope you’re ok OP?

Still not seen her! She actually went out about 5 mins after I posted, so I got up and got ready and came out to the gym.

To give a bit more context, in my message I told her I’m needing to rent the flat to my sister and her boyfriend for 12 months. Her rent period is up on 21st Nov so a little over 3 weeks of awkward torture! I’m hoping she will go sooner and I’ll refund the rent pro-rated.

Her response has bothered me - she’s not acknowledged that she needs to go. Even if she suspects I’m lying, she needs to lump it really, and realise I’m clearly not ok to be living with her. Albeit a one liner I found it a bit of a selfish response... but I guess that’s in line with much of her behaviour, so what was I expecting!

Her response has bothered me - she's not acknowledged that she needs to go

Perhaps you feel bothered because you know you haven't been upfront about her shortcomings and used your family moving in as an excuse to get her out? If you get the chance later, clear the air. She may know deep down she's been unreasonable about the hotel stay etc. Never nice or easy having these conversations, good luck.

Thing is, she is very self-absorbed at the very least and has no sense of how to behave. However, I get that its awkward, but its your home, future and money so you have to look ahead now. Hopefully she will look for a new place soonish so would leave early.
How is the replacement search going?

Wauden I put the feelers out to my closest circle of friends and someone I know fairly well (well enough to know they are nothing like current lodger) is interested so I’m sending her photos/info today. Don’t think I would advertise publicly whilst current lodger is still here.

Thanks Happy - if I was ballsier I’d probably have been honest, but I was worried that she’d ask for a second chance and I’d not have the confidence to tell her no. I’m now questioning if - judging by her very brief response - she thinks/knows I’m lying. But either way, she needs to accept it.

I’m at home now - I got a friend to call me as I was walking through the door Her car is outside but her bedroom door is shut. So the standoff continues!

Good luck with the next 3 weeks and make sure you get references for any potential new lodger.

Deep breath, knock on the door and ask to have a chat. She's obviously feeling wounded, having that conversation will make you feel 100% better to get it over with as you know it has to happen..

From what you've said upthread, she has some self awareness (pre-facing her hotel question with saying how awkward it was). Bit like ripping a plaster off, once it's done it's done. The conversation and responses may not be as bad as you anticipate, at least, I've found that to be true when faced in a sticky situation. Deep breath, you can do it. Have a medicinal (or maybe have one afterwards!)

You could just tell her to go by the end of the week.....

Personally , I wouldn't knock on her door in attempt to clear the air. I would wait until the dust has settled down. At some time, hours or days ahead, I would keep things v low key, as this is batshit woman.

I hope you are ok, OP

Nope. Wouldn’t put up with that. She sounds odd and annoying.

Me again.

I've seen her a grand total of twice since Friday's message and neither time has she addressed me. She's not acknowledged what I said or given me a moving out date.

Since then...

1. She's started parking at the door to the block of flats, causing major accessibility problems (it's not a parking space). Some of my neighbours have complained to me about this so I've screenshotted the messages back to her, and she does move the car, but it keeps...on...happening!
2. I've noticed a couple of things missing from my bathroom (we don't share a bathroom, she has her "own"). I opened her door again today (I know, I know) and she's taken various beauty products, my bath towel, the charger to my Amazon Firestick from the living room, and she's using a mug from the kitchen as a bin for her dirty cotton pads.
3. When she moved in she told me she was going to buy bedsheets (I provided the duvet and pillows). She hasn't - she's just sleeping on the "raw" pillows and duvet (with the sofa cushion she nicked).

I just want her gone now; I gave her until the 21st in my message but I can't stand this for another 3 weeks - she's actually taking things from me. Any reasonable, practical advice would be really gratefully received at this point.

I am considering changing the locks when she's out and leaving her stuff outside for her to collect. But I am genuinely a bit afraid of what she could/would do in response. Key my car? Do I try and gently get her out beforehand (I worry that if I take that approach and she goes, she'll pocket a load of my stuff and take it with her).

I'm feeling so cut up and anxious, I really don't know what to do here.

Oh yikes OP. This all sounds horrific and stressful for you.

Hopefully someone more knowledgeable will be along soon. Does she have a contract? If not I would definitely bring the leaving date forward and be prepared to change your locks. Hopefully she wouldn’t be stupid enough to cause criminal damage.

Very alarming that she is blatantly stealing from you and ignoring you. You do need her gone ASAP. Hopefully someone with legal experience can reply. I’m thinking change the locks.

Thanks Delatron. No, no contract, so I know I am within my rights to get her to go sooner, I’m just scared of the reaction.

oh jesus OP.. you need to get her out.. asap

I have drafted this:

Hey, I was hoping to find out from you your planned date of moving out? To be honest, I am feeling increasingly uncomfortable with a number of things, and I think it would be better for both of us if you could pack this weekend and leave on or before Sunday? I really need you also to make sure that everything of mine is left behind with me. If we can agree to Sunday I will refund £300 in rent payment as soon as you leave the keys.

I worry that outright accusing her of theft will cause a major reaction. And not a pretty one.

She'a taking things into her room that clearly do not belong to her... she doesn't return them so she IS taking them...

you're doing the right thing OP... she does not respect boundaries..

Poor you OP. I'd be terrible dealing with this as well, how can someone be so brazen? Definitely puts you on edge as you have no idea what they are capable of. However I wouldn't ask her when she is leaving, I would tell her she needs to give you a date. Don't give her any room to be vague.

I think you’ve done the right thing in asking her to leave as soon as. You do not need to feel uncomfortable in your own home.