Is it me, or is my new flatmate batshit?

[ThierryEnnui]

Posting in Chat so this disappears eventually.

I’m almost sure I’m not BU, but I’d appreciate a sounding board before I compose a strongly worded message!

My new flatmate moved in 3 weeks ago. When I’d met her I saw no red flags - on paper she lives a similar lifestyle to me, we clicked straight away, she’s chatty etc. But within a couple of days, something in my gut just said it wasn’t quite right. On the first morning, she quite loudly knocked on my door and opened it (I was asleep) and asked to borrow a comb. I got up and found her one. 5 mins later, she wants to borrow my toothpaste. And then my hairdryer. Fine, she’s just moved in, but she’s come from another flat share so surely she had these things before?

That evening she baked chicken in so much BBQ sauce I must have burnt a week’s worth of calories scrubbing the dish (which was left on the side, not even soaking). I’m a vegetarian and she hadn’t done much to clean up the raw chicken-y mess from her meal prep: there were chunks attached to the chopping board which she’d put straight into the dishwasher.

A couple of other things:

1. I was away for the weekend and she had come into my room, taken my hairdryer again and not returned it
2. She’s taken one of the sofa scatter cushions for her bed - I didn’t know this until I went in to try and find the kitchen scissors when she was out. The kitchen scissors have turned up this evening after I asked, as they had fallen (?) into her handbag...

All of this is irritating but not a dealbreaker. Until this evening... as I got in from work she asked if she could ask me a ‘strange’ question. Sure, fire away. She very gingerly and awkwardly began to imply she’d invited a bloke over next weekend. I laughed and said ‘don’t worry!’ - it wouldn’t bother me at all. But then she came out with: ‘so would you mind if i paid for you to get a hotel for the weekend?’

I laughed awkwardly and muttered something about keeping out of their hair and that I’m a heavy sleeper so it wouldn’t be necessary, but I feel a) completely baffled and b) like I need to send her a carefully crafted message just making clear that this is my home and I found it odd. One friend’s theory is that she wants the bloke to believe it’s her own flat. Another thinks she’s got weird fetishes

I just think it’s really fucking cheeky and has kind of heightened all my irritation about the other things to the point I feel kind of uncomfortable and like I don’t want to be here! Any tips on what to say in my message would be appreciated - I want to give her a chance and I don’t want to be heavy handed, but I feel I need her to realise that it was a completely bonkers and disrespectful thing to suggest.

I think your message is good, but maybe it could be a bit less questioning? Perhaps:

Hey, I know I initially said you could move out on the 21st but to be honest I am feeling increasingly uncomfortable, and I think it would be better for both of us if you could leave on or before Sunday. Could you ensure that any of my things you have moved are put back in their place tonight. If we can agree to Sunday I will refund £300 in rent payment as soon as you leave the keys [you could also say 'and I have checked the room' but I know that might prompt the reaction you're trying to avoid.]

She sounds awful! I hope you get it resolved!

As soon as she leaves I would change the locks. She sounds unhinged.

Sorry you have to deal with this in your own home. 

Poor you op, that sounds really stressful. I can’t believe how appallingly she’s behaved.
I agree with liviadrusilla’s tweaked message.
Do you have anyone you could invite over to stay/ be with you and back you up (silently by just being around) if need be?!

And definitely change the locks once she leaves.

Could you go round and photo all your things so you have a form of proof that things are missing. So that their costs can be deducted from her refund.

Thanks Livia, your message is much better - I’ve come out to a friend’s, she’s presumably back at the flat. I am genuinely nervous about how she might react, but I suppose I have no choice but to send it... argh! I’m not sure I’ve ever felt so anxious and displaced in my life!

How old is she? She sounds very immature. What a weirdo.

She’s 29 baffling, I know!

Have you sent it, do you have friends locally you can text if you want company?

This is just mental, what a weirdo she is, doesn’t sound like a normal response at all. She might be disappointed but it’s tough shit. She’s acting like she’s the home owner or a parent to a child, all odd odd odd. Why not speak with her face to face and get confirmation of her plans? If she has anything else weird to say or doesn’t say she is going, ask her to leave ASAP and tell her she’s just got to go. This must be so stressful for you!

OP why are you pussyfooting around this? She has trashed your house and taken your belongings. Just be blunt and tell her to put back all of the stuff she has taken into her room- where she found it. You are making excuses and purposely leaving your house to avoid her. If you show some assertion you'll find things go much more smoothly.

She's an adult and you're scared of her throwing a tantrum if you tell her want you want to say? She's disrespected your house and your belongings and you need her out ASAP. If she damages anything then you have £300 of her money to cover it.

Strange that she's not even mentioned when she'll be moving out. I think your message is fine. I hope she agrees

Definitely the tweaked message. You want to see all your things back well before depart date. You also have to be around constantly the last couple of days, or do you have a friend who could hang at your house a bit too?

I really feel for you @timeisnotaline, how awful to be made to feel so uncomfortable in your own home at the hands of someone like her. I hope you sent the text and she fucks off ASAP. 

Made a cockup of that, didn't I.

Sorry timeis, my @ function is being a dunce. Hope you're okay, OP.

Hi op
I think you just have to accept that you are going to feel anxious till she has gone. It might be better if you could talk to her rather than avoiding her so that she knows you are in control of the situation, but that would depend on your personality. This whole situation will soon be over.

I had to ask 2 tenants to leave before it was pretty crappy while they were there but it had to be done. Your tenant sounds like a right weirdo, I wonder is she an only child?

Did you send the text OP? Surely she would want to leave somewhere she’s not wanted.

What an awkward situation for you, but you're doing the right thing

I think you might feel less anxious if you speak to her. Do you have someone you could ask round, who could sit in your bedroom or somewhere, so in the house if you need any back-up?

From the sounds of this thread I’d sell my spleen before getting a lodger I didn’t know.
Good luck OP hope it’s all over soon.

Holy fuckballs, she sounds hard worka.
Did you send the next message?

Jeez, I can't believe people behave like this. How awkward for her to carry on knowing she's not wanted! Looking forward to reading her response if you sent the message? I hope she takes the hint and you get to see the back of her asap!

Also hoping this ends well and she leaves.

I second the suggestion of taking pictures of your stuff and what she has taken so you have a record of it. Also takes notes and save your text conversations with her. Just in case she tries to cause problems even after she moves out. It sounds like she has some major issues. I'm sorry, OP. I would be absolutely miserable living with someone like her too.

OP could you get a friend to come and stay for the weekend (sleeping in your room with you) so that she knows you’ve got backup for the entire weekend?

She’s being weird now and I’m worried she’s going to be even weirder.

Have you thought about what you’ll do come Sunday if she hasn’t packed up and left?