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Original poster

How long did you have off work after losing a parent?

121 replies

MrsCipo · 15/10/2018 21:59

Just that really. And how were your work about you taking the time off? Supportive or did they put a time limit on how soon you should be "ok" again?

OP posts:
MyGuideJools · 16/10/2018 05:11

I took 6 weeks but 2 of them were annual leave. Work were brilliant (NHS) and said if I wasn't ready after my annual leave to just get another Drs certificate.
I took 3 weeks off before dad died too (2 unpaid) as I cared for him. I'm so glad I was able to spend his last weeks with him, so precious.

OberonTheHopeful · 16/10/2018 05:29

Three days when my dad died, one being for the funeral. I really could have done with a few weeks but that was all my then employer would allow. Their policy stated that it is better for people to continue working as much as possible. One of the days I took was annual leave as they only allowed two days of compassionate leave for the loss of a parent.

About six weeks later my manager was walking past me in the office, patted me on the shoulder and said "sorry to hear about your dad", and that was about as much acknowledgement as I got.

Donthugmeimscared · 16/10/2018 06:03

I lost my dad at 18 and went back to work 3 days after it happened. He died suddenly when I was alone with him in the house and I just couldn't bear to be home and see all my family upset so I went back to work to escape it all. Not sure if it was the best idea but it was how I coped.

Northumberlandlass · 16/10/2018 06:14

DM was told it was terminal in the December & that it would be 6 months. Work allowed me to take 2 hour lunches for the time she was in hospital so i could visit during the day.

She died in the May.
I got the call on a Tues afternoon & went straight home, she died that evening.
The funeral was the following Wed & i stayed off the couple of days after the funeral - so all in all just under 2 weeks.

We were prepared. DM was prepared, but in hindsight I should taken longer, but I think would have been harder to go back.

Work were utterly amazing & supportive. No one mentioned money at all

user1494050295 · 16/10/2018 06:19

Nearly 2 weeks. All paid. Very supportive

Luxembourgmama · 16/10/2018 06:35

A week but it was a sudden death and I was so shaken I wanted to try to get back into routine.

Rememberallball · 16/10/2018 07:19

DF died almost 4 years ago. Although elderly and frail he was not classed as terminal and simply collapsed at home on a sunday evening. Took about 10 days off work then back to work until the funeral another 10 days later. Probably should have had longer but zero hours contract so not paid while off (and no entitlement for compassionate leave) - didn’t even get A/L for the day of his funeral.

DM died in March this year. I took her to OOH GP appointment on the Saturday lunchtime and he wanted her seen by a cardiologist in A&E as he thought her issues were related to worsening heart failure and not a chest infection she was being treated for. She was admitted and on a ward within 4 hours of the appointment at the GP’s.

She had a sudden collapse at 10pm on the Sunday night and we were called to tell up at 2am. All 4 children were at the hospital by 4am and being told nothing could be done, don’t expect her to survive the night. Come the morning they changed medical team and decided they might be able to do something. She was moved to intensive care at lunchtime; diagnosed with Influenza A that evening (then, next day, told 2nd result was negative though a 3rd test was positive again) On the Tuesday we were told she had pneumococcal antigen freely in her body so had had pneumococcal pneumonia since an earlier admission to hospital 12 weeks previously which hadn’t been correctly diagnosed or treated at the time. She was in ITU for 12 days before she died and I didn’t go back to work after the 2am phone call on the day after admission to hospital until 2 days after the funeral.

In all I was off work for almost 6 weeks. None of it paid, had to use my annual leave to get 9 days pay and covered a management weekend I should have been doing anyway the week before the funeral. We lost the booked time for a the holiday we were desperate for; missed out on an ivf cycle we should have had and now, 6 months after the funeral, I’ve now left work as my husband and I (who lived with, and cared for, DM) are having to leave the home we shared as it must be sold to settle her estate. We have decided to move away from the area we live in and start afresh.

CheekyRedhead · 16/10/2018 07:30

2 weeks. I felt I had to go back. I should have taken longer but felt it wouldn't have looked good. Others after me had longer but they are known pisstakers tbh. I know when my remaining parent passes i will need longer. I don't think I'll cope well

bottledatsource · 16/10/2018 07:41

Two days and the day of the funeral the following week. We get three days compassionate leave at work.

stellabird · 16/10/2018 07:47

My Dad died 15 years ago. I had one week off - I flew there and arranged the funeral etc, then flew home and went back to work. I prefer to keep busy when I'm upset - if I'd been at home, there wasn't anything I could have done but sat around thinking about it. Work has always been my way of getting back on track.

maggienolia · 16/10/2018 07:51

Three days and two more for the funeral. Didn't get paid for any of it.

CupMug · 16/10/2018 07:55

DH had a couple of days for each parent. His work were supportive but he preferred to keep busy. I'd do the same I think.

I went back to work a few days after a miscarriage - different I know - but I preferred to keep busy too.

It be interesting to know what occupations people work in. I know the levels of 'sick' days varies with different professions. I wonder if there is any similarity with compassionate leave?

flumpybear · 16/10/2018 08:00

I was on holiday when my DF died, I was part time and took a few days off but had quite a big report that needed doing so went back to work. Thankfully my lovely boss then got another colleague to use me as information superhighway and she took al the information away and wrote the report - they were brilliant with me - I'm really not one to fester at home as I feel it's depressing enough I need support if my friends and workplace

My mum died 2 years later when i was on mat leave with second child - that was so awful I ended up going back to work a bit early due to being so low and needing normality surrounding me and support from my peers. I've perhaps got the sort of job that allows this ?

MiddlingMum · 16/10/2018 08:03

Self-employed so just took bits of time here and there as I needed it for logistics. Plus a day for the funeral. Same for my brother I think.

I'm not the sort of person to need lots of time off, but everyone is different and parents die in different circumstances.

sashh · 16/10/2018 08:09

I'm a supply teacher so work different ours. At the time my mum died I was working 3 days a week. Mum died New Year's day so I wasn't in work.

I took a day off for the funeral.

BUT my mum had terminal cancer, she laster 3 years after the terminal diagnosis and 2.5 were good years, my parents went on holiday, saw the Queen on the flotilla thing, picked out hymns for the funeral attended family events etc.

It was almost a relief when she did die and everyone was well prepared and expecting it.

I was much more 'hit' when it was my Grandad because, although he was in hospital, it wasn't expected.

ColinsVeryJolly · 16/10/2018 08:14

I took 1 day off when my dad died as my boss at the time would in no way let me have more off.

When my mum died, on the Thursday, I was already on a weeks holiday so just went back the following Monday when I was due back in. Really wish I’d taken longer off now.

EBearhug · 16/10/2018 08:21

I had 3 days compassionate leave. My GP said, that's not enough for grief! and signed me off for 3 weeks - I had not coped with Dad's death, a few years previously, and had kept going to work to be normal, until my manager gently said I wasn't doing anything useful, and I needed to get help, or he wouldn't be able to support me and would have to start a disciplinary process, which wouldn't help either of us.

Then I worked from home, or rather Mum's home, for a while (I forget how long) while we cleared the house and sorted her affairs.

3 days is nothing like enough if you're organising the funeral and executing the will and clearing the house, particularly if you don't live near.

LadyOfTheCanyon · 16/10/2018 08:21

I'm a florist and my Dad died the day before Valentine's Day. He'd been lingering for a couple of days and we were with him the whole time. Work were fine about it but we're a small team and I knew they'd be struggling, so I tried to go back on 14th Feb but my colleagues were horrified and ordered me home. I stayed off for a week (unpaid). I would have taken longer but I'm freelance and needed the money.

BertramKibbler · 16/10/2018 08:23

My employer granted 1 day of compassionate leave. They then “allowed” me to take a further 2 days as sick leave. In the end I had to be signed off by a GP. Their attitude was disgusting and this was a big, professional accountancy from in London.

YoureAllABunchOfBastards · 16/10/2018 08:27

DH had just gone back to work after four months when his dad died. He'd been very ill and DH was travelling a lot, dealing with emotional and practical elements of his care and it took its toll on his own health. Two days after he went back FIL took a serious turn for the worse and he died two days later.

I took a series of days off rather than a block of time and so did DH. Although it was bloody awful, we had done a lot of our grieving before his death, if that makes sense?

tinytemper66 · 16/10/2018 09:18

My dad passed away in the summer holidays (7 yrs ago now) so I didn't have to take any time off. I think it was just over three weeks til term started. I didn't even think about having more time off.

DollyWilde · 16/10/2018 09:20

Dh had two weeks but separately (one after the death itself and one for the funeral) as there was a PM. He went in for a couple of weeks in the middle but had a few late starts and early finishes as was organising the funeral.

RiverTam · 16/10/2018 09:23

A week. I must say it would never have occurred to me to expect or ask for more. But perhaps that's because my mum is still alive. When she goes they'll be a lot more to sort out practically and will probably be more emotionally difficult too.

But for me, getting back to work and life would be very important. Life really does go on. I think my mum wouldn't be happy if she thought we were grieving for weeks and unable to get on with our lives.

MrTumblesSpottyHag · 16/10/2018 14:29

When my Dad died I went to work the next day. They were very supportive and tried to send me home but I just wanted to carry on.
I didn't have children though whereas if it happened now I think I'd need time off to support them.

elliejjtiny · 16/10/2018 14:44

Sahm and dh had one day working from home

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