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Original poster

Is this an ok thing for Dad to say to his daughter?

125 replies

SomeoneElsesOpinion · 11/10/2018 20:39

Teenage daughter being stroppy and rude the other evening and absolutely needed pulling up on it but DH said to her “you carry on like that and one day someone will punch you in the face”.

This upset me because, as I see it, there are MANY reasons that DD should not be behaving like that but threat of being punched in the face isn’t one of them. When I tackled DH he defended it as he didn’t threaten her and that “there is a big difference between saying you’ll hit someone in the face and warning them they will piss off the wrong person one day”.

He does lose his temper and get angry so I left it until the next day and he was calm and asked him to apologise to her for what he said. But he won’t and he still stands by it was ok to say it to warn her.

I’d really appreciate hearing thoughts on whether I’m overreacting and it’s fine or not.

OP posts:

FortniteIsTheNewCrack · 12/10/2018 10:24

I understand why you punched my wife in the face after all men deal with frustration very differently and often result in being angry"

Magicpaintbrush · 12/10/2018 10:25

Whilst I think his choice of words was clumsy it doesn't sound to me as though he was threatening her at all, more that he was warning her that there are people out there who would react to her bad attitude and behaviour with a lot less patience and it might one day get her into trouble - a life lesson, not a threat. He did not threaten to punch her himself, that is not what he actually said at all but it sounds as though you have taken it in a way that it was not actually intended OP.

But yes, he could have phrased it better.

Magicpaintbrush · 12/10/2018 10:27

Just to clarify I don't think anybody is suggesting it's okay to punch anybody in the face!

PinguDance · 12/10/2018 10:27

I don’t particularly like this message either but I’ve come to see it actually has an impact and can be necessary in the school I work in, some children will not inhibit their rudeness for ‘higher’ reasons but will think twice if This is pointed out them. (Obviously with other kids not staff!). I’d hope he won’t repeat this kind of line a lot But saying it once wouldn’t overly concern me.

FortniteIsTheNewCrack · 12/10/2018 10:29

Are we Ok to just accept people get stabbed if they are stroppy and rude? Genuine question, people who think this is OK, what level of violence do we accept as inevitable, possibly even justified, as retribution for being stroppy?

"You carry on like that and someone will stab you in the stomach"

You think you're teaching your teens a useful realistic life lesson but you're teaching them completely the wrong lesson and making sure they get on board with the victim blaming early on.

FortniteIsTheNewCrack · 12/10/2018 10:31

I think I will step away now though as it's too fucking depressing.

PinguDance · 12/10/2018 10:39

I do get your principle fortinels but if you think more in a school context it’s less alarming - as in if you mouth off to another teenager and they slap you in the playground obviously the slipper would be in more trouble than the slapee but the slapee has still been slapped. Also it might descend into a proper fight and then both will have been violent. Teenagers aren’t as good at adults at moderating their behaviour - they are learning not to lash out and manage their own emotions. So, if as has happened in school, one girls says to another - move it you fucking slag- in the corridor and gets pushed to the floor I’m not going to assign adult criminal responsibility levels to the pusher.

didyouseetheflaresinthesky · 12/10/2018 10:55

He is right in a way. If she behaved like that then chances are she will eventually do it to someone less tolerant. You can't just go around getting in people's faces and mouthing off, you dont know who might be some nutter with a knife. It's sad but true that there are a lot of violent people and he is just warning her that she will end up hurt.

Jaxtellerswife · 12/10/2018 11:07

I shouldn't have to worry about being burgled but I do. I take steps to prevent it by locking doors etc
I shouldn't have to worry about violence but it happens. I try to prevent this by not being vile to people and expecting no response

brookshelley · 12/10/2018 11:27

I think some people underestimate how threatening insults and verbal abuse can be. And you don’t know what other people’s triggers are either. Hitting is wrong but so is shouting and swearing at someone undeservedly.

marcopront · 12/10/2018 12:22

While violence is not the answer to someone annoying you, doesn't she need to learn her actions have consequences.

I think it is sometimes hard to decide if it is victim blaming or someone not taking responsibility for their actions.

zzzzz · 12/10/2018 12:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LuvSmallDogs · 12/10/2018 12:57

I thought and said the same thing about a group of secondary school boys who shouted abuse at me and my small children recently. And it’s true, there are people who would give them a smack for shouting at them in the street.

Pissedoffdotcom · 12/10/2018 13:46

Those who disagree with this; do you tell your kids to stay together if they go out with friends? If so, why?

Do you tell your kids to look both ways before crossing the road? If so, why?

Do you tell your kids to walk along main roads instead of taking badly lit back roads home at night? If so, why?

It is not about laying blame at a person's door. It is a reality check that there are some fucked up people in the world who react badly & may well do some physical damage to what a teen sees as a bit of sass. It isn't always as harmless as the reaction you get from your parents

beachcomber243 · 12/10/2018 13:54

I see it as the father saying that what she may get away with at home with those who know and love you, she may not get away with out in the real world. She could wind up someone irrational and prone to violence to whom she is no one important.

He is warning of the consequences of certain behaviours, nothing wrong with that. He did not say he would do it.

ImperfectPirouette · 12/10/2018 14:01

@FortniteIsTheNewCrack

Where I live, if you mouth off to the wrong person, you might very well get stabbed. Of course that's not ok. But parents still warn their children not to go winding people up, because they don't want to be the next family burying a victim of knife-crime. And before stabbings, they were worried about their children "just" getting a beating.

It isn't ok that this is the world so many children grow up in. But it isn't helpful to pretend that a quasi-Damoclean [near-]constant threat of violence isn't the reality of daily life for many people in the UK. In some places a smart comment to the wrong person will be the last thing out of your mouth. It's not safe to assume that you'll never encounter someone who's ready to go to that extreme over Being Disrespected. OP's husband didn't exactly phrase it well, but the warning that being a mouthy wee gobshite isn't simply an obnoxious personality trait but one that can place you at harm is an important one.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 12/10/2018 14:57

I don't agree with victim-blaming either, there's no excuse for violence.

BUT

We live in a city where there's both gun and knife violence and the unfortunate truth is that if my DD gets gobby with someone on a future night out (she's not old enough yet), she could be badly injured.

The Dad didn't handle the situation brilliantly and I can see how it can be interpreted as victim-blaming. OTOH, their DD would be wise to learn to keep quiet sometimes, simply as self-protection against not-so-nice people out in the world. It's sad, but that's the reality.

BoneyBackJefferson · 12/10/2018 17:48

FortniteIsTheNewCrack

If someone at work was "stroppy and rude" with me, I would complain to HR.
If a friend was "stroppy and rude" with me on a regular basis I would stop being their friend.
If someone on a customer service line was "stroppy and rude" they would refuse to help them, the same with shops, pubs, Doctors surgeries, even teachers in school etc.
"stroppy and rude" in school would equal detentions and possibly even bullying against those she was "stroppy and rude" to.

Yes it may be a poor example but if she continues to act like this she will end up with few friends, very little help and eventually it is very likely that she will piss off the wrong person.

ZanyMobster · 12/10/2018 18:07

People are jumping to all kinds of crazy conclusions here. I can't see where the OP has said her DH has said she deserves it, he is just warning her what could happen. He is totally right, it could and wouldn't be massively unlikely either. If a bloke in a pub was verbally abusing someone else for instance no one would be surprised if the other bloke hit him eventually.

It is not victim blaming, it is unfortunately the cold, hard truth.

ZanyMobster · 12/10/2018 18:11

Fortnitels - no one has said that someone is justified in punching someone in the face but the fact is it happens. In fact we could fully expect that it would if we were winding someone up who has violent tendencies it would happen. Still doesn't mean it's right of course but then many things aren't but still happen.

My youngest DS was verbally bullied every day for 2 years, I think if he had punched the boy in the face eventually the boy would have deserved it. I am not even sorry I feel that way.

MacosieAsunter · 12/10/2018 18:20

I am skipping the thread …

When I tackled DH he defended it as he didn’t threaten her and that “there is a big difference between saying you’ll hit someone in the face and warning them they will piss off the wrong person one day”.

Why would you not warn someone that their behaviour is possibly provocative enough that they may end up in a fight?

These threads are always anecdotal, a friends daughter is absolutely vile in the week leading up to her period, and I mean shockingly awful, right up in her mums face, screaming at her, finger prodding her dad in the chest, its deliberate to make someone one hit her …. both parents have said "OMG what if she meets a bloke who might hit her??" that's not threatening to hit her, that's concern for her safety

TheSageofOnions · 12/10/2018 19:18

This thread has some of the most incredible posts I have ever read on MN on it (& I don't mean that in a good way).

BabySharkAteMyHamster · 12/10/2018 19:27

I actually worry for the kids whose parents arent pointing out their behaviour is going to potentially put them in danger one day.

Kids are getting stabbed on the streets daily, violent crime is spiralling. My town is seeing on average 3 murders a year (( up until 2005 or so the last murder had been in the 60s. )) there is absolutely nothing wrong with saying to your child 'if you did that to someone else you may well end up getting punched. '

A bloody punch seems to be getting off lightly these days !

BirdySomething · 12/10/2018 19:42

@snitzelvoncrumb what you would say isn’t strictly true, is it?

In the real world someone might actually hit her if she’s rude to them and they won’t necessary be charged with assault. Absolutely doesn’t make it right but it does happen.

OP your DH should maybe have added to his statement that it wouldn’t be ok for someone to punch her, regardless of provocation, but I think he was right to warn her that this could be a possibility if she gives attitude to the wrong person.

gobbin · 12/10/2018 20:22

I am amazed at the number of people here who seem to think that being gobby is ok or not much of a problem, that it’s expected in teens and that she should be protected from her shouty dad.

No, I don’t expect to be gobbed off at in my classroom, I never expected it from DS when a teen (it was very rare). It’s not acceptable, full stop.

Her dad merely showed her RIGHT where that line is. Good on him.

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