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Original poster

Is this an ok thing for Dad to say to his daughter?

125 replies

SomeoneElsesOpinion · 11/10/2018 20:39

Teenage daughter being stroppy and rude the other evening and absolutely needed pulling up on it but DH said to her “you carry on like that and one day someone will punch you in the face”.

This upset me because, as I see it, there are MANY reasons that DD should not be behaving like that but threat of being punched in the face isn’t one of them. When I tackled DH he defended it as he didn’t threaten her and that “there is a big difference between saying you’ll hit someone in the face and warning them they will piss off the wrong person one day”.

He does lose his temper and get angry so I left it until the next day and he was calm and asked him to apologise to her for what he said. But he won’t and he still stands by it was ok to say it to warn her.

I’d really appreciate hearing thoughts on whether I’m overreacting and it’s fine or not.

OP posts:
Flyaway78 · 12/10/2018 05:39

Horrible thing to say and completely the wrong messaging. Not at all acceptable.

Fontofnoknowledge · 12/10/2018 06:29

Ajaslipstick what a bizarre statement 'I'm against violence in any forms so to say it WILL happen is tantamount to accepting it as a part of life.'

Firstly , I don't know anyone who is 'pro violence' !

So much better to teach ones child that they can behave appallingly out in the real world and expect no consequences. ?

Real head in sand advice. Yes. I think we ALL would like our children to live in a world with no violence. Doesn't mean it will happen - and they need to be aware of that to navigate and protect themselves. And that means moderating their behaviour according to the situation. Just what the OPs DH was warning.

AjasLipstick · 12/10/2018 06:33

Font many people think violence is an inevitable part of life. I don't.

I don't accept it.

Doesn't mean I teach my children they can behave badly. Where did I say that? Hmm Leaping from one conclusion to another aren't you?

MrTumblesSpottyHag · 12/10/2018 06:42

He's probably right though isn't he?

ocelot41 · 12/10/2018 06:42

Hmmm. My DS went through a phase of enjoying goading people until they blew up with anger. We talked about how that wasn't acceptable umpty nine times, us consequences. No effect. He started doing it with some of the bigger boys at school. I had a word with him and asked him what might happen if one of those big boys got properly angry with him. He worked it out. Behaviour stopped.

Pissedoffdotcom · 12/10/2018 06:42

It's a true fact of life today sadly. I never even considered that to be any sort of veiled threat towards your DD, have to admit I was a bit Hmm when I read that some people saw it as such.

Being a gobby little sod in the outside world isn't the same as doing it home. Most family homes provide the kids with the safety net to act out without getting their heads kicked in. However, it only takes one word or look or eye roll in the wrong direction outside & potentially somebody will get the hump. Not everybody deals with things with their words. Having seen my elder brother almost lose his life because he pissed off the 'wrong' person with his mouth, i'd say your hubby was telling her as it is. If she doesn't get it, it needs explaining, but i genuinely can't see how that is him threatening her!

AlexaShutUp · 12/10/2018 06:57

I'm with you, OP. The underlying message is that, if someone punches your dd in the face, it will be her fault for provoking the attack. I would not want my child to receive the message that violent reactions are ever justified, regardless of how annoying her behaviour might be.

Your DH was absolutely right to pick her up on her shitty behaviour. Not right to say what he said.

Strugglingtodomybest · 12/10/2018 07:04

He was giving her some fatherly advice, no way should he apologise.

BoneyBackJefferson · 12/10/2018 07:14

AlexaShutUp
I'm with you, OP. The underlying message is that, if someone punches your dd in the face, it will be her fault for provoking the attack.

The underlying message is that being a dick has consequences.

In a job you could get fired.
In a university/college/school you could get thrown out.
In a pub or on the street you could get beaten up.

Pissedoffdotcom · 12/10/2018 07:26

It isn't about blame it's about the real world & the consequences that can happen.
If I go out & start mouthing off at someone & they smack me the responsibility is on them for not controlling their temper. Doesn't make a blind bit of difference to my smashed up face tho does it?

AlexaShutUp · 12/10/2018 07:27

The underlying message is that being a dick has consequences.

Sure, and I have no problem with that message at all, but I do object to telling a young woman that her behaviour is likely to provoke a violent reaction in the future, with the underlying message that it will be her fault if that happens.

Kids internalise what we tell them. So if the OP's dd ends up with an abusive partner in the years to come, does her dad want her to think "yeah, I probably deserved that punch because I was winding him up" or does he want her to think "actually, I am not responsible for his actions and I deserve better than that."

I know what I want my daughter to believe.

Pissedoffdotcom · 12/10/2018 07:39

Violence is never the answer & our kids need to know that. But they also need to know that certain actions can rub the wrong people up the wrong way. It isn't about blame its about self preservation surely?

MsSquiz · 12/10/2018 07:44

To me, it sounds like a badly worded reaction to a teenager's attitude or behaviour from a parent who at the end of their tether with it.

My DM would often tell me I should watch my attitude because "one day you'll say the wrong thing to the wrong person!" As I always used to let my mouth run... I see the 2 situations as the same type of thing.

It would have been different if he said "if you carry on like that, I will punch you in the face"

TheFairyCaravan · 12/10/2018 07:55

He was letting her know that maybe one day there might be consequences for her actions. He did not threaten her

KlutzyDraconequus · 12/10/2018 08:02

My mother said it to my 17 year old brother once. He was having strop, acting the big man and making threats,
"One day you'll say that to the wrong person and they'll knock your head off"

At 22 he said it to the wrong person and had nose, arm and ribs broken.
He should have listened.

Flashingbeacon · 12/10/2018 08:18

I agree that he was saying not everyone react well to her behaviour. Same way I say to ds that an employer won’t put up with him only doing the bit of the job he likes.

And of course no one is saying she deserves to her punched in the face. My cousins dad had this exact same talk with him, he didn’t take it on board. He got badly beaten up. His parents 100% supported him going to the police etc.
I’ll probably be shouted down but when she goes out with her friends at night do you tell her to stay with her friends? Not because you’re wishing harm on her or because rape and assault is just part of life but because you want her to minimise her risk.

nellly · 12/10/2018 08:25

I must admit I've said something similar to my 10 year old son, he's going through really quite a cocky phase, consequence of being a big fish in a tiny primary school that I'm hoping will naturally sort itself out next September st much bigger secondary school.

As well as talking to him about respect and manners I have warned him that as he gets older, especially as a teenager if he comes out with some of this rubbish to an older teen he may well come out of the situation worse for wear and they may indeed hit him or beat him up.

I do not condone this and hope to god it never happens but I'm being honest in my warning. There are some volatile people out there, and sometimes being gobby and annoying to the wrong person may put you in really danger.

I think your husband was saying the same thing to your Dd

legalseagull · 12/10/2018 08:28

I don't think it's a threat. I think it's terrible victim blaming though! Let's hope she never has an abusive relationship as she might think she brought it on herself

TillyVonMilly · 12/10/2018 08:42

I think it’s advice, not necessarily the best wording but letting her know she needs to be careful. There are people in the real world who will steal your car if the keys are left in it, grab your phone while you’re distracted and punch you if you say something they don’t like. Should these things happen? No! Do these happen? Yes! It’s not victim blaming, these folk exist and are best avoided at all costs.

brookshelley · 12/10/2018 08:44

It's not the right wording but yes, some people do need this warning.

We had an intern at work who made the most nasty comments about other interns, often to their faces. I told him if you're not careful one day you'll say something to the wrong person and their response won't be with words. Hopefully he got the message for his own sake.

TheDowagerCuntess · 12/10/2018 09:06

It's categorically not an OK thing for a loving parent to say to a child, and anyone defending it has no credibility.

Do all the people replying have teens?

No, I don't have teens. But my father would never have said such a thing to me, or my brother, in a million years.

Shocked that some people think this is acceptable.

AlexaShutUp · 12/10/2018 09:19

Do all the people replying have teens?

I do.

AlexanderHamilton · 12/10/2018 09:20

I have teens.

I’d prefer to tell them that than to receive another phone call that your child has been beaten up.

jq28 · 12/10/2018 09:26

I think it's fine.
It's a warning that some people would react differently to themselves if she behaved this way.

FortniteIsTheNewCrack · 12/10/2018 09:31

Oh yes, it's never too early to tell young women they bear responsibility for any violence committed against them Hmm

I have teens (I don't think you say how old exactly your DD is) and I would be furious if DH said anything like this to any of them. Thinking about it, DH would never say this as he would never think there would be a situation where it would be justified for someone to punch his DC in the face.

It's sad that there are men who think their DCs could bear responsibility for someone punching them in their face, and even sadder that there are women who support their DHs saying things like this.

Genuine question, if someone actually did punch your DD in the face (assuming of course your DC didn't throw the first punch!) would you genuinely say to them "well you shouldn't have been stroppy and rude"? which is the exact quote in the OP).

If they came home from school and someone had punched them? If your DD was in a relationship and her partner punched her in the face for being "stroppy"?

Violence is never acceptable and never justified (excepting self defence) and this is what I would like to teach my teens.