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Original poster

Is this an ok thing for Dad to say to his daughter?

125 replies

SomeoneElsesOpinion · 11/10/2018 20:39

Teenage daughter being stroppy and rude the other evening and absolutely needed pulling up on it but DH said to her “you carry on like that and one day someone will punch you in the face”.

This upset me because, as I see it, there are MANY reasons that DD should not be behaving like that but threat of being punched in the face isn’t one of them. When I tackled DH he defended it as he didn’t threaten her and that “there is a big difference between saying you’ll hit someone in the face and warning them they will piss off the wrong person one day”.

He does lose his temper and get angry so I left it until the next day and he was calm and asked him to apologise to her for what he said. But he won’t and he still stands by it was ok to say it to warn her.

I’d really appreciate hearing thoughts on whether I’m overreacting and it’s fine or not.

OP posts:
NotUmbongoUnchained · 11/10/2018 21:32

My dad used to say “one day you’ll piss up the wrong tree” which is the same thing basically.

EmmaC78 · 11/10/2018 21:32

Agree nothing wrong with what he said. I would see it as a warning that bratty behaviour won't be tolerated by everyone.

HoardingQueen · 11/10/2018 21:36

I think he was warning her, in his own way trying to protect her?, we hear so many times through the media how rows may escalate into serious violence, sometimes without provocation, so perhaps he was stating the case that her behaviour may result in a negative consequence for her because not all people may be as tolerant.

HeronLanyon · 11/10/2018 21:45

I started off being horrified but then read it again. I say the pretty much the same thing to my d partner who tends to make rude gestures when driving if someone drives really badly. Kind of “please don’t , I worry someone’s Going to get out and hit you sometime”. Sometimes shortened to “you’re
Going to get hit sometime”.
Except she’s young and may not understand quite that he meant it in this kind of way (assuming he did). Better to have said ‘if you behave like that with other people you could get into real trouble’ ?? Don’t think it’s as bad as op thinks. BUT we weren’t there and a lot is to do with context and tone etc.

BonnieF · 11/10/2018 21:49

I remember saying something similar to my younger brother when he was a teenager. He was the ringleader among his mates and thought himself a proper ‘bad boy’. In reality he was a gobby, arrogant little prat.

I warned him that if he continued that attitude he would piss off the wrong person before he was very much older. Of course he didn’t listen to me, and inevitably one day he did cross the wrong bloke and he was quite badly beaten up. Fortunately, he recovered with no permanent damage done. He learned his lesson.

Anasnake · 11/10/2018 21:50

He's warning her that there are people out there who won't take any shit and will lash out if she mouths off, and he's right there is.

Thecomfortador · 11/10/2018 21:53

It's a bit blunt but maybe that's what she needs to hear. There's probably better ways of saying it (it's unlikely she'll get punched but there are many other consequences of pissing people off) but I think his point is correct.

AlexanderHamilton · 11/10/2018 21:53

Dh says that to Ds. In fact it’s slready happened when he wouldn’t stop mouthing off & riling another kid up. The other kid got into trouble for attacking Ds as regardless of provocation he did wrong. But we also told Ds off for winding him up.

BonnieF · 11/10/2018 21:54

Anasnake You’re spot on. Many people, however, live in such a sheltered middle-class bubble that they don’t realise this.

ashtrayheart · 11/10/2018 21:55

It's pretty aggressive but context would be needed/tone of voice etc. If someone said that to me I would only hear 'punch you in the face' as the message !

ineedtostopbeingsolazy · 11/10/2018 22:01

I've said to my dd that she'll talk like that to the wrong person and they will give you a slap. Of course I wasn't being violent or aggressive towards her! It was telling her to rein herself in because she can't go around with that attitude.
She's a lovely kind 17 year old now.

Jlynhope · 11/10/2018 22:03

Nothing wrong with it, he's right to warn her.

Merrydoula · 11/10/2018 22:03

Yes it's threatening and passive aggressive. My dad would says things like that growing up, then try and twist it and say HE wasn't saying it blah blah. He was violent

HeronLanyon · 11/10/2018 22:13

Merrydoula - really sorry to read that about your dad. Your context would of course never allow that to be understood by you in the way some of us are thinking it may have been intended by ops husband.

VladmirsPoutine · 11/10/2018 22:21

He's right. There's an awful lot of hand-wringing on MN which prevents some people from understanding these sort of things but your husband was not far off the mark with his comment. A lot of reactive/short fuse types would do well to hear those words.

LanaorAna2 · 11/10/2018 22:27

It's the reverse of a threat, more of a dire warning. Being deliberately provocative is, er, provocative and should be highlighted as such. That doesn't make some types of response ok, but that's not the issue here.

Taylor22 · 11/10/2018 22:45

But it's true.

If you act like a shit to some people they won't bother responding they'll just punch you.

I don't agree with them however she needs or learn that she is not that special and that she needs to consider how she treats other people.

RavenWings · 11/10/2018 22:49

Not against it at all, it's true. If she winds up the wrong people in life, she'll get a slap. I'm not saying it's right but that's reality and she needs to be aware of possible consequences.

cheaperthebetter · 11/10/2018 23:03

I think your DH gave her some "real world advice " tbh!
My cousin was like this to EVERYONE and I mean everyone!...mum, nana, cousins, friends and random people cause she constantly got away with it, until she done it to a random person (same age as her at the time 14) and they gave her a slap across the face and she learnt her lesson...😏

Munder · 12/10/2018 02:03

Argh I'm no angel and fail regularly to keep my shit together.

I think what he was meaning was that in the end real world, most people won't tolerated that kind of bad attitude and behaviour.

AjasLipstick · 12/10/2018 02:41

I am with you OP. Normalising violence is not on. I'm against violence in all forms so to say it WILL happen is tantamount to accepting it as a part of life.

I believe the world is capable of moving past the acceptance of violence.

Bloomingfreezing · 12/10/2018 03:25

It sounds to me as if the phrase was said in anger as a threat that the father would carry out the violence or that he knew someone who would.

If it were meant as “advice”, he would have taken the child aside and explained that he was worried because if she continued acting like she did she was going to annoy people and some of those people might get violent.

Snitzelvoncrumb · 12/10/2018 03:45

It's not ok to say that. I would talk to her about it and tell her she was behaving like a brat, but no one is going to hit her, and if someone did they would be changed with assault. What is likely to happen is people will avoid her. Don't send her out into the world thinking it's that's how life is.

sobeyondthehills · 12/10/2018 03:48

I think its badly phrased, but certainly as a teenager, I wouldn't of understood, you behave like this in a job, you will get fired.

While I disagree with his message, I do agree with what he was saying, and being the gobby shit I was as a teenager, I have been close to getting that slap, only helped by more mature friends.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 12/10/2018 04:10

He's warning her that there are people out there who won't take any shit and will lash out if she mouths off, and he's right there is.

I wouldn't like my DH saying that to DD, but on the other hand, she knows someone (older sister of her friend) who was recently hit in the face by another girl after flirting with her bf!

Not nice behaviour at all, but it can happen.