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Original poster

Is this an ok thing for Dad to say to his daughter?

125 replies

SomeoneElsesOpinion · 11/10/2018 20:39

Teenage daughter being stroppy and rude the other evening and absolutely needed pulling up on it but DH said to her “you carry on like that and one day someone will punch you in the face”.

This upset me because, as I see it, there are MANY reasons that DD should not be behaving like that but threat of being punched in the face isn’t one of them. When I tackled DH he defended it as he didn’t threaten her and that “there is a big difference between saying you’ll hit someone in the face and warning them they will piss off the wrong person one day”.

He does lose his temper and get angry so I left it until the next day and he was calm and asked him to apologise to her for what he said. But he won’t and he still stands by it was ok to say it to warn her.

I’d really appreciate hearing thoughts on whether I’m overreacting and it’s fine or not.

OP posts:
Hogtini · 12/10/2018 09:34

I think it's fair warning. He's not saying he wants her to be punched in the face is he? Hopefully it will teach her to think before she reacts/speaks.

Anasnake · 12/10/2018 09:39

He's not justifying violence, he's saying there's people out there who will act like that. He's right, there is.

TillyVonMilly · 12/10/2018 09:39

Fortinitels violence should never ever happen, sadly it does. I don’t condone the op dh choice of words but I can understand the reason for his warning.

FortniteIsTheNewCrack · 12/10/2018 09:41

No, he is saying there are people out there who will act like that and it will be her own fault.

I'm really surprised, and a little shocked tbh, that people either don't see the difference or genuinely don't care about the implications, for women especially.

BabySharkAteMyHamster · 12/10/2018 09:42

He probably meant if she spoke to a member of the public that way they wouldnt take it. She may well get a slap.

I said similar to a relatives dd when she took it upon herself to say that another member of the family 'looked like a paedophile' because of the way he was dressed.

That was the end of a long list of nasty things she's come out with over the years.

AlexanderHamilton · 12/10/2018 09:42

Well yes actually I did (not my first words my first words were making sure Ds was ok and telling him he did the right thing not hitting back.

But afterwards I did say maybe that will teach you not to mouth off at people.

It’s not a Male/female thing. It’s a teenage thing.

Anasnake · 12/10/2018 09:42

He didn't say 'carry on like that and you'll deserve a punch in the face', he said 'you carry on like that and one day someone will punch you in the face'. He never said she deserved it.

TheDowagerCuntess · 12/10/2018 09:45

I truly hope my DD never comes across the sons of people who think this is OK.

Yes @FortniteIsTheNewCrack

FortniteIsTheNewCrack · 12/10/2018 09:46

"But afterwards I did say maybe that will teach you not to mouth off at people"

Words fail me.

And let's be realistic, the vast majority of violence is committed by men, not teenagers. Instead of blindly accepting (and teaching our DC) that violence exists and it's our own fault if it happens, perhaps we would be better making attempts to move towards the mindset that violence is never acceptable and shouldn't be seen as inevitable and the victim's fault.

Here's, an idea, we could call it zero tolerance...oh wait.

FortniteIsTheNewCrack · 12/10/2018 09:48

Anasnake the whole "point" of him even saying that was to warn her that any violence would be her own fault. It wasn't a general talk on self defence and that there are violent knobheads out there - I agree we should be telling teenagers this, sadly. He was explicitly saying her behaviour would make her responsible for violence committed against her.

ShalomJackie · 12/10/2018 09:49

Out of interest has your daughter apologised for her behaviour or have you asked her to apologise?

Anasnake · 12/10/2018 09:51

I don't agree Fortnitels.

Brazenhussy0 · 12/10/2018 09:54

It's never ok for anyone to punch anybody in the face - no matter how annoying or rude they are.

The 'warning' implies that if someone punches her one day it'll be her own fault.
Nasty message and used frequently by abusive types to justify their behaviour.

BabySharkAteMyHamster · 12/10/2018 09:54

Fortinels. He didnt say it would be her own fault.

He basically said if you behave like that towards the wrong person they may well react.

I think it's a fair warning to give. If she's going round getting in peoples faces then one day, she may end up getting assaulted. Id rather my dc learn to control themselves then end up in a situation where they might get hurt. Because not everyone in the big, scary world is nice.

Common sense. If I see a big gang on the street and im by myself I cross the road. As does my dp. Because it feels safer

If someone gets in my face and starts arguing, I know to put my hands up and back off. I wouldnt argue back. Nor would my dp.

And I know that if I got in someones face and started gobbing off at them they may well end up slapping me. Not doing that at all is just common sense and a warning ive dished out to my dcs. Along with not walking through big gangs, sticking to well lit areas, walking away at the start of an argument, always keeping my phone in one hand and pointy out key in the other if walking alone late at night. Etc and so on.

AlexaShutUp · 12/10/2018 09:55

Violence is never acceptable and never justified (excepting self defence) and this is what I would like to teach my teens.

Agreed. I'm shocked that so many people think this is ok.

Original poster
SomeoneElsesOpinion · 12/10/2018 09:55

Although I do understand why he felt angry, I do think I would have felt differently about what he said had it been a calm sitting down talk and not barked in anger. I think perhaps the context is key here. It was the “victim blaming” part that came across to me and I hated that so much. I am grateful though for all the responses as it does show there are genuinely two sides to it.

OP posts:
MicroManaged · 12/10/2018 09:56

Should these things happen? No! Do these happen? Yes!

This sums it up for me.

Your dh is right. If your dd continues to mouth off at people into adulthood then she is, at some point, likely to get a thump for it.

Getting your knickers in a knot about how Julie from the pub shouldn’t go around punching the gobby 18 year olds that tell her to fuck off is all well and good but not much use to your dd once it’s already happened.

Kids need to understand that not everyone is nice and not everyone will have the same tolerance for their shit as their parents.

greendale17 · 12/10/2018 09:57

I don’t see an issue with what he said

civicxx · 12/10/2018 09:59

I've been telling my sister since she was 13 if she doesn't sort her shitty ass attitude out somebody is going to lamp her one Grin

She's 18 now & is a very able MMA boxer, safe to say nobody will lamp her one now hahaha!!

I don't think it's a big deal, it's not like he said he would punch her!

BabySharkAteMyHamster · 12/10/2018 10:03

SomeoneElse but who would be the victim in that case ??

The imaginary person who has been verbally assaulted or her if she gets a punch ??

As someone who suffers from PTSD i'll be honest and say if a random person came up in my face and was being abusive I might lash out. Not because i'm a bad person, but because id be bloody scared. And it's a response.

Same as dp learnt the hardway not to reach over me for something in my sleep, he ended up with a knee in the balls and chucked off the bed because I honestly felt like I was suffocating.

zzzzz · 12/10/2018 10:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 12/10/2018 10:16

FortniteIsTheNewCrack - thanks for saying what I wanted to say.

I think DH's comment needs to be followed up by a reminder to your DD that violence is never justified - no matter how gobby one is.

Soontobemama1 · 12/10/2018 10:16

I understand why you're upset if this isn't your way of thinking, but it may be that you've allowed her to behave like this by not pulling her up on it or 'threatening her' with punishment (i.e, you wont have your phone for a week if you carry on, NOT threatening her with a punch obviously Hmm)

how long has she been like this? how bad is her behaviour?

how would you suggest that YOU would've dealt with her? does she see you as 'soft', because if she has seen that you're upset by his comment, or you've 'slagged' him off to her, she will see you as the weak party and her behaviour will continue.

I read it as "I've had enough of your attitude and i'm warning you the older you get that if you have this attitude with the wrong person, you may end up getting a punch."
he may have worded it to sound as if he was threatening but I don't think what he meant by it is wrong.

I actually think as parents she needs to see you united and whether you agree with what he said or not, talk to each other and try to understand his point of view. men deal with frustration very differently and often result in being angry.

Then maybe both sit down with your daughter and you could say "what your dad actually meant was X Y Z" and for you both to be united and in agreement, will show her she's up against 2 here, who are the adults in the house and therefore make the rules.

nobody needs to get upset over this!

EdisonLightBulb · 12/10/2018 10:23

I've had teenagers, and all my friends have had teenagers, and I live in the real world.

The reality is, that if she goes out there and doesn't learn to curb what she says, someone may well just do that.

FortniteIsTheNewCrack · 12/10/2018 10:23

"you carry on like that and one day someone will punch you in the face”.

Just to repeat, the DD was not being racist (quite a jump there) - she was being "stroppy and rude". Her own father told her it would be her own fault if anyone punched her in the face.

"Yes your honour but my wife was being stroppy and rude to me. I only punched her once and broke her nose but she was stroppy and rude"

"Yes your honour I didn't mean for the woman I punched in the pub to fall and hit her head and suffer brain damage, I only punched her as she was stroppy and rude"

"Yes I understand you punched my DD in the face and she fell and hit her head and you killed her but I understand she was being stroppy and rude. I understand that's how society is and that's what people are like. I accept this and I did warn her this might happen. It's her own fault and I get this"