Oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god :(

[redwineandcrisps]

I split from ex 2 months ago. He was an arse, he’s very arrogant / superior, and we split for good reason......

So what the fucking fuck possessed me to drink wine and ask him to be my fuck buddy tonight???

And more to the point, how do I ever recover from his answer “absolutely not” with good grace?!??

In my only defence, we have quite a niche sexual pairing (BDSM) and so finding another partner who enjoys that kinda stuff was always going to be tricky. But still. I have to see him every day for kids and I am now mortified 😫

"Hahaha, thought so. You really ARE a twat. Smell ya later xx"

Just be glad he didn't accept!! - you already qualified it by saying you had been drinking wine and it doesn't sound that embarrassing, especially as you're clear it's purely physical.

Just to clarify - my post refers to the general nature of making moves. I don't think making moves with an abuser is a good idea at all. (I was hoping that went without saying then realised that it might not.)

Brazen it out. Don't allow yourself to be ashamed of wanting sex and thinking you knew where you could get it.

Oops! Wrong person sorry! Have a nice weekend!

Oh OP! I've just cringed myself inside out reading your text to him.

Why do you need to see him again? I've missed it if you said you have kids

@redwineandcrisps - Definitely owning it. (In a relaxed, confident way - this isn't an aggressive posture at all.)

Try not to fret about it. If he ever brings it up again, use that as a reminder of him being a knob you are better off without.
(You haven't done anything awful, just a bit cringy, but you're not the only one to do something like that).

"Most that’s def my best bet - text tomorrow and say “holy fuck, I must of been so drunk to send that”."

Say nothing.

You have already said too much. Don't compound it. Don't explain. That would be truly pathetic.

If you say nothing, one day (not immediately) he will ask you about it, and you will then get your chance to say
"OMG, forgot about that, 'best friend' and i were on the wine, thought we'd have a bit of a laugh. Sorry, no harm intended."

Until that time, say nothing.

I'd just text something like

sober redwineandcrisps thinks drunk redwineandcrisps is quite brazen and funny - thank you for helping me not have any regrets today

Own it - you're an adult, you had a bit to drink and asked another adult if they wanted to engage in consensual sex. That's all.

And one day you'll find someones else to have kinky sex with ... and it'll be great! It may take a while, but it will happen.

t. I have only tiny bits of dignity left

Ah. Far too much subbing.

You can learn from this...

Don't reply that you are satisfying yoursef with a rabbit etc. Just don't reply.

If he mentions it just shrug and say you had the horn,the sex was good but he's rights it's not a good idea.

You have dcs together. For their sake scratch your kinky itch on someone who isn't their father.

You don't have to be into BDSM to have good sex. Lots of us do. And I don't think it's even that unusual anymore so you shouldn't struggle to find someone else. Fuck buddies are 10 a penny. Just find someone different to your abusive ex to do whatever you get up to.

Or do without it for a bit. Lots of people don't have sex whenever they fancy it. Because of all sorts of reasons. And if a man sent that text, which is borderline sexual harrassment, to an ex mn would be full of pearl clutchers.

Have a bit of dignity and control.

Ahh OP! I remember you now. I did feel for you and I'm glad you've made some progress since then. It doesn't matter how slowly it is - as long as you are going in the right direction.

Honestly, you haven't done anything too tragic here. It's pretty common for exes to become FWB and one or the other of them generally has this kind of sniffing out conversation beforehand. You've been bold and you've made a play. Now be bold and take the rejection on the chin. No big deal. You win some, you bin some!

This kind of relationship is so much more exciting with a big dollop of nurturing, which was evidently missing with this man.

How often do you usually text him?

I would wait until the time comes for an ordinary text then text him saying "oh my God ive just seem the text I sent that night. Must have totally been wasted. How embarrassing"

I think my reply would be 'omg how mortified! Sorry, wine happened!!' But I'd leave this for a day or so after.

Kind of like 'OMG IVE JUST SEEN WHAT IVE MESSAGED YOU! TOTALLY FOTGOT AND HAVE AT NO POINT EVEN THOUGHT ABOUT IT UNTIL RIGHT THIS SECOND' kind of message.

See if you get away with it? Shit happens (Ive sent these type of messages too many times) but when it's owned the next day, I always feel a bit better 🤦‍♀️

It's done now the best thing you can do is walk away from it and never mention it again. No point feeling awful about it you can't take it back and its was daft not terrible.

If he mentions it just say 'Yeah sorry about that it was the drink talking' and leave it at that.

TBH I would have replied "oh fuck, I lost that bet then, the girls said you would jump at it! - I'm a tenner down now"

Say nothing. No explanation needed, it would just be digging yourself a deeper hole. You will have to just let time pass and you will eventually move on and forget about. Put your energy into finding someone better.

OP, text what thecakediet said - that's brilliant!

Or, just ignore it and if she says anything the next time you see him, say yep - you're right - that was a really bad idea of mine - and then keep things absolutely formal for the kids sake. He will 100% see through a 'sorry I was drunk text' - best to own it and walk away. I've not seen your other posts about him, but if he's abusive there's no point in playing games. He'll love it, and you need your sanity.

I have been there, with an abusive man who despite doing some really awful things to me, I went back to quite a few times until I realized I deserved better. So do you, and however long it takes being on your own will be much better than being with him. Never let someone live rent free in your mind! Good luck.

I second "Your loss, pal!" or some variation thereof. rather than any excuse about you were drunk or whatever. If your text was thoroughly detailed and grammatically correct you clearly weren't drunk! It will just illustrate you are embarrassed when really, you have no need to be. You suggested something, he said no thanks, his loss. Moving on.

Even whist you privately cringe inside.

Ayn I was his sub. It’s complex isn’t it?

Yes, I figured :) And it still stands. Women, whether Domme or sub, are more requiring and find it harder to find compatible partners. So the drunk propositions, even the sober ones, after it's over usually come from us because we know we won't find such a compatible partner in a hurry.

Plus true Doms don't really let their emotions get the better of them that way. Their ultimate control is over themselves. That's how they stick to your limits.

And a good Dom is indeed hard to find. But if he was horrid outside of scenes and limits, then don't worry, he wasn't a good Dom. That was an unnecessarily cruel response he gave you.

I agree with people who say to say nothing now and just make a comment about being drunk and horny if he brings it up, but he's quite right it was a stupid idea.

Don't say you were drunk he might use it against you actually just ignore it now if he mentions it just brush it off

Oh lovely we've all done it and we'll all do it again. Wine made you do it. Just say nothing more to him. One thing I learn that no matter what you say, if you ignore someone afterwards for long enough they'll believe you didnt mean it. And who cares about him anyway, nob.

'OOops, I was pissed, I would never have sent you that sober. I hope you didn't think I actually meant it '