Oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god :(

[redwineandcrisps]

I split from ex 2 months ago. He was an arse, he’s very arrogant / superior, and we split for good reason......

So what the fucking fuck possessed me to drink wine and ask him to be my fuck buddy tonight???

And more to the point, how do I ever recover from his answer “absolutely not” with good grace?!??

In my only defence, we have quite a niche sexual pairing (BDSM) and so finding another partner who enjoys that kinda stuff was always going to be tricky. But still. I have to see him every day for kids and I am now mortified 😫

I would reply.

OK. Yeah, it probably wasn't the best idea. It's not like Tom isn't amazing in bed, it's just I'm worried he won't be into the same things. Oh well looks like I'm going to have to bite the bullet and start showing him 'the ropes' Maybe it will be fun to be in charge for a change... As you were.

Delete all the messages, and let the memories seared into your mind serve as a warning from history.

The burned hand learns the best.

As for having to face the ex when dealing with kid stuff - meh, it'll soon be distant memories. You're not the first person to proposition an ex, nor will you be the last. I bet most people on here have shagged an ex at some point!

I practically made a power point!

OP, I'm really really sorry that you're dying of mortification here, but this ^ comment is the best thing I've read tonight. I'm tickled by the thought of a BDSM powerpoint, complete with vaguely relevant clip art 'whooshing' in at choice moments to illustrate your point, followed by a polite 'Thank you for your kind offer, but I'd rather not. Cordial regards, X'

Brazen it out in saying you're tired of sub role & thot you'd experiment with taking the reigns Dom wise. Your suggestive text was merely explorative of that so tongue in cheek and his dismissal has been good practice. His knock back was just a drop in the sand & you're ready now for onwards & upwards. Knowing that being "tied" to him is all in the past

Brazen it out and say if he brings it up that i had to get hammered to send that text as i wouldnt dream of sending it sober

I knew you were a sub from the tone of the text.

Oh dear. I was so drunk is the best option if you mention it.

Plenty more fish in the sea and all that.

Playing at being a Dom to try to Domme a Dom if you’re a sub 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣. Yeah. Like. That’s gonna work.

Saying I’m going for a dom role wouldn’t work on any level - he would know that’s bullshit!! Which is a shame!

I can see how funny it is, and i am semi giggling at how shit / mortified I am, but equally..... oh god, I’m real life, this is baaaaad! I genuinely don’t want him as a partner any more, that’s the shit part!

Well, if you are into BDSM ...can't you just embrace the humiliation of asking and being turned down? You win by losing! You get to grovel at his feet for the sex you used to have AND share your humiliation on the internet! Baby, you are golden (showers)!

Okay, the best way to take back power (note, your own power, not his) is to do nothing.

Separate out the sub-Dom relationship from the fact that he was abusive, and he still seems to be undermining you by commenting on your mood/demeanour/whether you are on drugs. I mean, if he does not matter to you, he has no power, right?

Look at this as where you bottom out, no pun intended, and the only way is up (and away from him).

Stop engaging.

I’m confused. You said “would it be unreasonable to... blah blah blah”
He text back “absolutely not”
He’s up for it as far as I’m concerned as he doesn’t think it would be unreasonable.

He’s answering “absolutely not” to your “am I mental? Is this a bad idea” questions is he not? 🤷‍♀️

She said 'do you want to be my fuck buddy?'
He said 'absolutely not'.
It's quite clear. And depressing.

I think he’s saying “absolutely not” to the idea of us being shag buddies, rather than my specific question of is that mental..... sadly.... he would have replied totally differently if he had been up for it! In def not asking him for clarification mind!!

Elizabeth while I find your answers verging on kicking someone while they are down, and not the most sensitive. I do agree with your analysis. You might want to think about your tone though, I get you disapprove and think I’m soft - I’m a real person dealing with this though!

She said “would it be totally mental for us to have kinky sessions?”
He replied “absolutely not”
You need to clarify this with him!!! What is the absolutely not in relation to! 😂

Complex ? Not really.

Just good old fashioned making a dick of yourself.

Have you learned a lesson though ? It doesn't look like it from here since it appears you still want to keep a dialogue open.

Did you learn nothing from Mumsnet ?

Redwine - I really don't think there's much of a problem here. I do think that you're blowing it out of proportion though. He's previously had the upper hand (oo-er) but it's up to you what happens next. If I were you, I really would just forget it now. We all do daft things. (Including me - sorry!)

I am NOT clarifying! He would have responded differently I’m sure if he had been up for it. I have only tiny bits of dignity left, there’s def no room for clarification as he would enjoy spelling it out too much for my liking!

I reckon the best way is to end it confidently, hopefully leaving him feeling somewhat frustratedly turned on. Maybe something along the lines of 'That's a shame, I'm just going to have to have some fun alone with my hot new rabbit... '

And then move on completely.

My life with men changed when I realised I was no longer embarrassed for them to know I fancied them, whether or not they were interested, and I could ask a man out and be fine with them refusing.

You've done nothing wrong here.

Nothing to be embarrassed about at all.

You asked. He refused. That's fine.

Now you know - having wasted very little time finding out - and you can move on with your life with your head held high.

Less is more with these things so I wouldn't msg any more about it.

Anyfucker I don’t want to keep a dialogue open, so much as salvage any dignity I can. My instinct is to ignore and not reply, though I know he wills mention it to me in person. I regret sending it, I promise!

Elizabeth don’t worry, I needed some tough talking in the past. I am angry at myself because I’ve come so far (no contact etc) and then ballsed it up here.

Thanks everyone I promise I’m trying not to be a walk over / a dick / annoying. But I would like to salvage any dignity I can If poss!

Now that really does sound desperate, littlemiss.

SandandSea I like that attitude - sort of owning it?

would it be totally mental for us to just have kinky sessions every now and again?!

Yes, it would be utterly daft. Particularly in a D/s relationship that requires a high degree of trust and power exchange.

Sorry for your breakup stress.