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Original poster

Please help: ideas for a Reception refuser

100 replies

Choccywoccyhooha · 04/10/2018 13:47

This is week 5 I think of term, and my daughter is still battling school everyday. She was only 4 at the end of August and I just don't know how long we keep going until enough is enough. She's the youngest of 3 and the others have always enjoyed school, so I have no idea what to do.
She has already had her timetable reduced to half days, but it hasn't made any difference. She still wakes every morning and immediately starts sobbing about not wanting to go to school. It has taken us around 2 hours each morning to get her dressed, with her screaming the whole time and she is then carried to school crying and passed over to a teaching assistant, still sobbing. Once they engage her she seems to be okay for around 2 hours but then starts to meltdown, which is why we are now collecting her at 12.
I think the whole situation is cruel and we need to stop now and take her out (she's not compulsory school age until next September), but school and DH want to keep going. An added problem being that DH cannot get her ready, today I told him that I didn't have the strength to spend 2 hours getting screamed at today so he would have to get her ready. He gave up and now she's had a day off and it feels like we are back to square one, only now she thinks that daddy will let her stay at home, despite it being him who won't let me take her out.

It's ruining family life, she is crying for 2 hours every morning and for much of the afternoon and evening too. I literally have no time or energy for the other two who are 7 and 8. And I feel like we are fully all of them. I can't go on like this. I just want to run away with her.

Any suggestions, tips, advice would be greatly appreciated. How do you get a refuser to school? When do you say enough is enough?

OP posts:
Original poster
Choccywoccyhooha · 04/10/2018 13:49

I am self-employed and work from home, so i don't have to worry about being at work for a certain time or anything like that.

OP posts:
Thesearmsofmine · 04/10/2018 13:49

I would take her out without any hesitation.

Thesearmsofmine · 04/10/2018 13:51

Sorry I pressed post too soon, talk to your DH about it calmly, what are his concerns about taking her out?

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Original poster
Choccywoccyhooha · 04/10/2018 15:49

He is concerned that she will "fall behind". I've explained to him that she can't fall behind as she isn't compulsory school age, plus having had two other children go through the school, can I have all the work they cover here at home in their books, so I could easily cover it with her if it came to it.

OP posts:
honeybeetheoneandonly · 04/10/2018 17:30

Would she be going into reception again next year or year 1straight away?
I think you have given it a fair shot. I would take her out as well. If your partner is not on board, I would leave the school run to him until the holidays then discuss/reassess. He might see it differently, if he is faced with it on a daily basis. At least, he'll understand the mental drain of it. You could always try again after Christmas.
One of my DC took a while to settle but it wasn't this severe and only took a couple of weeks. DC bonded with one teacher in particular, and would only go in happily if that teacher was there.

Homemadearmy · 04/10/2018 17:35

I would take her out of school without hesitation. I have heard that for summer born children you can keep them back a year so they start reception a year later.

SleepingStandingUp · 04/10/2018 17:37

You could apply for delayed start so could restart reception next Sept?

SleepingStandingUp · 04/10/2018 17:38

Can she explain at all what is making her not want to go.

Second well DH I think she should stay home, you think she should go so you take her and i'll collect her

Woffulu · 04/10/2018 17:43

Have a look at 'Keeping Early Years Unique' on Facebook and ask the question there too.

MagicKeysToAsda · 04/10/2018 17:51

If you felt able, I might have one further try at setting her up to succeed - 1 hour per day, so she comes home again before she reaches the overwhelmed point. If school won't support that, or you don't think it's right to continue, I would withdraw her for certain.

Sockwomble · 04/10/2018 17:57

Did she go to nursery?

uglyflowers · 04/10/2018 18:04

Take her out. Why make her life so unhappy when she's only tiny.

Rebecca36 · 04/10/2018 18:04

She's just not ready yet. Don't force her. It will all happen in time.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 04/10/2018 18:04

I'd take her out. She's not ready. Not all children are. However i don't think that's particularly anything to do with when their birthday is. I was an October baby so one of the oldest in the class. However I was no where near ready for school when I started.
I mean that was in the prehistoric times when you had to go whether you were ready or not. Thank God times have changed.
Im not sure which counties it is but some don't start their children until they're much older say around 7 or 8 do they. I think they have the best idea.
People may weLl say "but what happens when she turns 5 by law shes got to go in then Wether shes pleased vexed euthoric or what and may have a very valid point.
However that's a year away and that year makes all the difference. Next year she'Ll probably fly in.

uglyflowers · 04/10/2018 18:05

And don't forget that school is never compulsory.

Smartiepants79 · 04/10/2018 18:07

I work in education and I just want to add a couple of things for you to think about -

  1. it is extremely unlikely that she would be allowed to 'skip' a year and if she went back next year it would probably be straight into year 1. delayed starts are unusual for children with no SEN - not unheard of but unusual
  2. If you take her out how easy would it be for you to get a her a place again, in the same school? Are they full?? they cannot hold her place for her.
  3. She can 'fall behind' her peer group. Being statutory school age means very little to what they are expected to learn and know by the end of this year. Are you going to make sure she has done the phonic and number work required for her to not be struggling when she rejoins her peers? My DD was only four and 1 week when she started school. The expectations for her at the end of the year were the same as those for the child that had turned 5 the day after she started. It is perfectly possible that she would catch up very quickly and in the longer term it would make no difference but for a year or so she could potentially look like she is 'behind'.
All that being said the situation does sound very distressing and in the end maybe taking her out is the best option. School sound like they are already being very flexible and doing their best. Take her out if that is what you feel works for her and your family but just make sure you understand the potential longer term issues.
Awwlookatmybabyspider · 04/10/2018 18:10

but flowers that's only for children of millionaires or those whose father mother have fantastic jobs were one parent can afford to stay at home and Educate their children. School may not be compulsary but Education is.

IncyWincyGrownUp · 04/10/2018 18:13

If she doesn’t have a reason for not wanting to go she should go. Not liking it isn’t a reason.

Children have horrid expectations placed on them from the minute they hit the ground running in year one, pandering to her through reception year without decent justification isn’t going to do her any good at all in the long run.

Sounds harsh, but it’s true.

Teacherandmumoftwo · 04/10/2018 18:16

You have every right to take her out of school and either start her later in the year or request a delayed start. My little boy turned 5 in August and has just started in Reception - no special needs, no special circumstances, he just wasn't ready. It is actually becoming more and more common and most counties are accepting requests for this, although it can still vary by area. If you have a look on Facebook for 'flexible school admissions for summer Borns' you will be able to find lots of information and support in case this is something you want to pursue.
If you decide to persevere this year, you could even just do one morning a week if you wanted (you have the right to do this even if the school doesn't think you do). Your daughter is probably not able to learn much if she's having a meltdown anyway so I wouldn't worry about missing out.
Don't be disheartened if the schools tell you none of this is possible- I taught for 11 years and had no idea that parents had these rights until my own son started school. Sometimes you need to inform the School of your rights - the Facebook page could help you with this. Best of luck with whatever you decide.

Howmanysleepstilchristmas · 04/10/2018 18:24

Probably not much help but my August born ds was similar. It took a term until he stopped saying he didn’t want to go. The promise of a treat at pick up time if he went in nicely helped (before that he had to be physically pulled away from me by his (lovely) teacher. Rushing getting him ready and out the door helped- less time for him to worry about it. Talking him through the routine helped (register, carpet time, play outside, doing things at the tables, lunch, doing things at the tables, play out, story, mummy picks you up) so he didn’t ask for me until after the last activity. He did settle in time, and after the first month or so was ok whilst there. By January he was laughing at how “silly” he’d been and telling me how much he loved school.

Thirtyrock39 · 04/10/2018 18:25

My concern with taking her out is that you're basically reinforcing her fear of school by withdrawing her from it and it'll probably make it just as hard if not harder next year
It could be the half days have taught her subconsciously that if she gets really upset she won't have to go all day- maybe they've made the situation worse and she's thinking if I keep this going I won't have to go at all
It might be worth seeing if there is someone at school who can give her some emotional support with her school anxiety- senco, school nurse etc

theconstantinoplegardener · 04/10/2018 18:44

One of my DC was similar. I used to pack a special treat that in her lunchbox each day (a fairy cake, a chocolate yogurt, something like that) and tell her about it when she was complaining about school in the morning. It seemed to soothe her, having that to look forward to. It has to be a treat that you don't generally have at home, so she just gets it at school.

Another thing that helped us, paradoxically, was getting there really early (ten minutes before the playground opens). It avoided the stress of a last minute dash and I spent that time reading to her in the car, so she was completely calm when it was time to go in.

StayAChild · 04/10/2018 18:47

Would school allow you to stay a while in the morning, just until she settles? I know we would try anything to get one of our children to settle rather than give up entirely.

Regressionconfession · 04/10/2018 19:03

I waited until May to take my summer born daughter out last year. She is now re-doing reception as the oldest in her class. My only regret is that I listened to the school who kept telling me she was fine and didn't take her out sooner.

Honestly, school starting age is 5 for a reason. As you know with your two older children the difference between a just 4 year old and a 5 year old is huge.

Re your husband. I think you have your answer if he couldn't face taking her in this morning ... he's happy for you to take her in but hasn't the heart to do it himself? Tell him that as parents you have to listen to your heart/gut. And if that fails go on strike and tell him if he wants her to go in he needs to take her!!!

JennyHolzersGhost · 04/10/2018 19:10

Well, he had his chance to enforce his opinion when it was his responsibility to get her to school and he gave up. So he doesn’t get to say that you have to force her. Cheeky fucker.

As for your daughter, have you talked to her - not on a school morning, maybe in the evening or at the weekend ? - about why she doesn’t want to go ? Did she go to a child minder or nursery at all in the past or has she not been away from you before ? What is it that she doesn’t like ?

I think you need to know a bit more before you decide whether to take her out.