Please help: ideas for a Reception refuser

[Choccywoccyhooha]

This is week 5 I think of term, and my daughter is still battling school everyday. She was only 4 at the end of August and I just don't know how long we keep going until enough is enough. She's the youngest of 3 and the others have always enjoyed school, so I have no idea what to do.
She has already had her timetable reduced to half days, but it hasn't made any difference. She still wakes every morning and immediately starts sobbing about not wanting to go to school. It has taken us around 2 hours each morning to get her dressed, with her screaming the whole time and she is then carried to school crying and passed over to a teaching assistant, still sobbing. Once they engage her she seems to be okay for around 2 hours but then starts to meltdown, which is why we are now collecting her at 12.
I think the whole situation is cruel and we need to stop now and take her out (she's not compulsory school age until next September), but school and DH want to keep going. An added problem being that DH cannot get her ready, today I told him that I didn't have the strength to spend 2 hours getting screamed at today so he would have to get her ready. He gave up and now she's had a day off and it feels like we are back to square one, only now she thinks that daddy will let her stay at home, despite it being him who won't let me take her out.

It's ruining family life, she is crying for 2 hours every morning and for much of the afternoon and evening too. I literally have no time or energy for the other two who are 7 and 8. And I feel like we are fully all of them. I can't go on like this. I just want to run away with her.

Any suggestions, tips, advice would be greatly appreciated. How do you get a refuser to school? When do you say enough is enough?

I would take her out without hesitation - she’s barely 4, in Scotland she wouldn’t be anywhere near school for another year. I think it’s a tall ask expecting a child so young to cope and really if not being in school at 4 is likely to scupper her whole education there’s something very badly wrong with the school system.

If she is that distressed, she’s not exactly in a good place to learn in class anyway so you’re wasting her time and reinforcing the negative experience of being at school. Taking her out until she’s developmentally ready is the kindest thing and, I would suggest, most beneficial for her education. In the meantime you can work with her, have her in nursery a day or two a week to get used to being away from you and around other kids in a wholly play based setting.

She's so young! Take her out. Let her start at compulsory age. Spend the year getting her used to the idea of school, maybe do half days occasionally etc if that's allowed. She's only teeny so she will soon forget how awful it was and if you spend the year getting her used to it and showing her it's not a big deal then it won't be as bad next year.

Did she go to nursery? Is she used to being away from you during the day? I think it's too early to pull her out. Some children just don't like school and never will. My ds is year 4 and there's a girl in his class that is still hysterical every single morning going in to school. She just hates it, no SEN or anything. Holding her back a year wouldn't have helped.

Have you tried highlighting in a diary all the time she is at home/not at school?

Giving her something of yours to "look after"?

Is she allowed to take a toy in?

I’d take her out in a heartbeat. She’s not ready, and not happy.

The obsession in the UK with starting school extra young is ridiculous.

As a mum and a former p1 teacher and DHT, take her out! She’s just so young and evidently not ready. I know the worry is when the time comes again she will think she can cry and you’ll withdraw her again but I honestly think taking her out sounds best. I really feel for you both, you must be worried sick.

There’s no way on earth I’d be forcing my child anywhere that had them in an hysterical state every morning for 5 years. I wouldn’t tolerate that for myself much less my child.

This little one isn’t even compulsory school age yet, lots of time to support a transition into school without the distress she’s experiencing now.

I’d take her out. I’m a few months she will have changed and feel differently.

Have a dialogue with school about this but I understood that the school does actually have to hold the place until she is five and it’s not compulsory for her to attend.

My DS was like this for various reasons. One resin was total sensory overload I. The classroom with 30 kids and 30 parents in there. I got them to let me bring him in before the others and have a chance to sit in the quiet classroom before the craziness. This helped a bit

I would tell her out until after half term at least. She won’t fall behind in the least

Is she happy to be separated from you in other situations
I'd ask for photos/evidence of her learning, being happy
Def try to leave for 30 min and build up.
Promise of something to do on the way home.
Draw a heart on your hand and hers.

I wouldn't take her out. You run the risk of the same thing happening next year and if she has to go straight into year 1 it will be much harder for her, making it worse still.

I hope she adjusts soon.

Did she go to nursery and was she settled there? If so, i’d Consider plodding on hoping it’s a change of environment (although by week 5 would expect to have got a better). If she’s at the same school as her siblings, i’d Perhaps take her out, but keep her engaged with the school. Lots of turning up for drop off/pick ups etc. What you don’t want is a repeat of this or built up fear of the school for next year.

I’d take her out. I’m a few months she will have changed and feel differently.
There's no guarantee of that. The children I know whose parents have thought that, have been worse when they tried again.

What I might try is seeing if she can do it more gently. You say she's managing about 2 hours before she's hysterical?
Pick her up after an hour/hour and a half. Tell her how brilliantly she's done, ask her what fun things she's done (maybe see if the teacher can give her a book that they write "Little dd helped me wash the paint cups" with a sticker and you can praise her and talk about how wonderful it was she could do that.
Maybe you can write something positive in her book about what she did in the afternoon and the teacher can then praise her for that in the morning. That might make her look forward to seeing the teacher and want to show it to her.

It may not work, but it's worth a try if the school is supportive. Then you can gradually move later to pick up.

Personally, I think I would persevere and carry on taking her. I would though wonder why she has been used to taking her two siblings to school, yet doesn't expect to go herself, as in is there anything in particular upsetting her?
If you don't want her to go anymore, and your DP does, then I would make him totally responsible for getting her ready, and taking her. It really isn't fair of him to say that you must take her, but for him not to actually engage with the process.

she's not compulsory school age until next September

Unless I am not understanding something why on earth would you not take her out of school until next September? This seems way beyond "I don't want to go to school", she perhaps isn't ready. How will she fall behind - she'll still be in the correct year for her age if it's not compulsory for her til next September. If he doesn't want her to not go tell him he has to get her there - clearly he can't because he didn't this morning. I don't want to trivialise your problem but the solution seems pretty simple.

Another one here for looking at restarting next year at CSA. My DD has just started Reception at 5 ( end of August birthday). The head spoke to me this morning to day how glad she was we had been able to wait another year as DD is thriving (after very real concerns last year).

The facebook group Flexible admissions for summer borns is a fantastic source of support and information.

Also to add that you might want to consider that even once your DD get used to school now, she will then have to face the transition to year one at just 5. For many children this seems to be a real challenge especially given the new curriculum. It might be worth considering looking at the body of evidence which suggests that there is no benefit to formal learning st such a young age?

You poor things! Our education system covering itself in glory again! 🙄 Really instilling a love of learning! I'd take her out too. I'd apply to repeat reception next year, you might have a battle (think you need head's permission) but I second the Facebook group above for a wealth of information. Join and ask in there.

From what you’ve said, your daughter’s experience is far beyond simply ‘ I don’t want to go to school’, she seems very distressed. Full time or even part time school is such a huge ( and developmentally inappropriate) expectation to place on a just turned four year old. With typically developing children there is a huge range in terms of what they can cope with socially and emotionally at that age. I suggest speaking to the headteacher to see how they would feel about you taking her out, giving her a year of good quality preschool and requesting a deferred entry next year. My son is in deferred year group ( a slightly longer story) and its working well for him. The Fkexible Admissions is a good source of support, and if you have a reasonable Head yo should be fine. I think you have a gut instinct they this isn’t right for her at this time, you need to listen to that, not prescribed, rigid expectations.

I'm sorry to hear about your daughter. It must be so hard for both of you. My daughter started reception this year and although she is fine there were some other children who were a bit more uncertain. I pointed them out to her and found out their names and she now says oh look there's x, come on let's go in together.
Is there anyone who could do that with your daughter? Perhaps work on building a couple of friendships with play dates? She may be happier to go to school then to see her friends. Good Luck xx

Thank you so much to everyone for your responses. To answer a couple of questions.

1. We already applied for a delayed school start, next September, but although school were on board the Local Authority refused. Our onky option would be for her to go straight into Year 1. I challenged their decision and put in a complaint, but it was still a no. I had a lot of support from the Facebook group mentioned by some PPs above.

1. She went to pre-school and was slightly more settled there, but she was still upset (though not to this extent) at drop offs about 50% of the time.

3.I have already seen the Head and we chat every day about the situation. I'm a school governor and am generally in touch with her a few times a week.

1. I think what is upsetting her ( from her limited willingness to talk about it), is overwhelm. She is quite simply terrified of being in a class of 30 children and 4 adults. Her pre-school had an average of 6 chikdren per session. She has started to take her ear defenders in to block some of the noise.

1. I have asked about going in, as I help regularly in my sons' classes, but they have point blank said no, not until she settles.

1. She isn't "allowed" to take a toy, but they have let her put one on the window sill for now.

Sorry, forgot to add, school is over-subscribed. There are rarely spaces opening up, and there is a huge housing estate being built near completion now closer to school than we (though we are only 500 metres away), so any children applying there would be higher up the waiting list due to distance.

I think it’s a nonsense that the school are doing very little to help her settle. Having a transitional object can massively help children make the move to school, and really it is overwhelming to move from being one of 6 to one of 30 when you’re 4. I can’t believe what some people expect very small children to cope with. If she was mine, she’d be out of school and into a play based pre-school that had a good transition process into school. I would also find a more nurturing school for my child.

She is very young to be in school. My son was 5 and a half before he was allowed to go to school. He was in preschool for a year before.

God this makes me so sad to read. My local authority allowed several deferment of summer born after the parents appealled. My friend in another Area threatened the council with legal action and they backed down and let her August born child defer.

I could not put my child through this. I have a June baby who I was very worried about but she is fine - all children are unique and your girl just isn't ready.

I would certainly not put her into year one just turned five either but you have to do what you need to do now for your daughter.

Show her you are listening stop taking her and the only half way house is try again in January? My school offered that.

I honestly think thr wellbeing of a child that young is so vital I just don't think they should be left in such a distressed state.

I would take her out appeal the decision by the LA - given that the education secretary said all summer born should have the right to seven years in primary starting at five. I bet the council would back down immediately.

Just make sure you have a longer term plan. I know lot can change in a short time but... Are you able to commit to long term home ed? If not you need to decide what your plan of action will be. It sounds like returning to her current school might not be an option, so where would you go next. Taking her out would be a short term fix. That's fine but you need to think ahead a bit further.