Please help: ideas for a Reception refuser

[Choccywoccyhooha]

This is week 5 I think of term, and my daughter is still battling school everyday. She was only 4 at the end of August and I just don't know how long we keep going until enough is enough. She's the youngest of 3 and the others have always enjoyed school, so I have no idea what to do.
She has already had her timetable reduced to half days, but it hasn't made any difference. She still wakes every morning and immediately starts sobbing about not wanting to go to school. It has taken us around 2 hours each morning to get her dressed, with her screaming the whole time and she is then carried to school crying and passed over to a teaching assistant, still sobbing. Once they engage her she seems to be okay for around 2 hours but then starts to meltdown, which is why we are now collecting her at 12.
I think the whole situation is cruel and we need to stop now and take her out (she's not compulsory school age until next September), but school and DH want to keep going. An added problem being that DH cannot get her ready, today I told him that I didn't have the strength to spend 2 hours getting screamed at today so he would have to get her ready. He gave up and now she's had a day off and it feels like we are back to square one, only now she thinks that daddy will let her stay at home, despite it being him who won't let me take her out.

It's ruining family life, she is crying for 2 hours every morning and for much of the afternoon and evening too. I literally have no time or energy for the other two who are 7 and 8. And I feel like we are fully all of them. I can't go on like this. I just want to run away with her.

Any suggestions, tips, advice would be greatly appreciated. How do you get a refuser to school? When do you say enough is enough?

Sorry - just saw this is already linked. Sorry you’re going through this OP :-(

I was wondering about additional needs after you mentioned the ear defenders too. Worth looking into seriously.

Hi again, thank you everyone for all your suggestions.

She did go in today, after crying with DH I managed to calm her enough and suggested that she just pop in to school to change her story book, so DH took her in. She cried when they got there but TA soon calmed her and she says she had fun. However, Iknow the same issues will crop up again on Monday so
DH has just been in to see the head again and begged them to let us go in with her. In a total turn around from last week, they are now saying that they have NEVER dealt with a child like her and that they are concerned about her mental health. Ed psych and EWO are going to be contacted next week and she won't have to wear uniform as this is hugely triggering her.
If after two weeks of one of us going in with her and continuing half days there is no improvement then we will withdraw her at half term.

I just feel like all of this could have been avoided had LA allowed her a delayed reception start next September.

Plus I feel like a huge failure - my just 4 year old is going to be seen under Ed Psych.

:(

If things don't improve our options seem to be:
Home ed indefinitely
Try again in January and again in April, after which we will home ed.
Go back to the LA and ask again to reapply next year.
Look at schools with much smaller class sizes, as I think she is hugely overwhelmed.Knowing these may well be fee-paying schools, we would have to find the money.
Apply for September out of area over the border in the next county who are far more open to delayed reception starts for summer born children.

My mental health is taking a huge battering too, which is why dh went to the head this evening alone. I feel like I have completely lost control of the situation and no longer know how to parent my child, which i'm sure will be magnified once outside agencies are involved.

We have tried a lot of the strategies involved already - school send me photos of her so we sit down and talk about those at home. She has taken in an old Teddy of mine this week which has helped, and I do a visual timetable for her on the wall. (DS1 is on the autistic spectrum so we do this for him on holiday etc ,though he has always loved school). She has spent loads of time in the school before she started, as I mentioned I'm a governor and am always popping in and she's used to sitting and colouring when i'm talking to the head. In fact, she actually has a great relationship with the Head who has known her from birth and has always made a big fuss of her.

I'm also an ex-teacher (though secondary) and have worked extensively with children who can't cope with school, though it is very different when it is your own child and when they are only four.

I will definitely try the tattoo trick.
Thank you again everyone.

Gosh op how draining for you. It must be so frustrating when you tried your hardest to defer.

Would the head teacher speak directly to the admissions team at the LA and say he wants her to be allowed to defer?

Oh you poor things.

Apply for September out of area over the border in the next county who are far more open to delayed reception starts for summer born children.

this seems the best option if she still doesn't settle
She's 4!! Ed Psych seems like a massive overreaction.

It seems to me that the constant negotiation with her and putting her again and again through the decision process I'd attending and then leaving and then discussing again whether she should go in.. Is not going yo be good for her.

Wouldn't it be better to take a break from it.

For a small child three months is a long time and you could try again in January after letting her recover from this stress.

OP did you see the post from
Steppemum earlier? I was thinking the same things.

The need for ear defenders, the massive meltdowns, reactions to school uniform...maybe there is more to it. Possibly not but her reactions sound extreme.

Good luck, it sounds incredibly stressful.

Rather than going in at normal start time and coming home early, can she go in later and come home at normal time? The rest of the class will be settled and there won’t be the mad crush in the playground.

She’s very little in the year, but what screams out is sensory issues. I’d keep her home. Life should not be so hard when you’re only 4.

I’m not surprised you’re stressed with it all!

Sounds awful. Don’t beat yourself up about it. summer borns are so much more likely to be diagnosed with a range of conditions that can affect ability to settle and learn.... or maybe they just start school too early! I’m biased though - I’m starting mine in reception at CSA and very happy with our decision (I know how lucky we are with our LA).

Sounds like your best options are:
Go back to the LA and ask again to reapply next year. (This time with loads of support from the head?)

Or

Apply for September out of area over the border in the next county who are far more open to delayed reception starts for summer born children.

Probably the latter. I know of a couple of people that have popped over to our LA to get approval and have been overwhelmed with how easy it’s been after the battle they’ve had in their own LA. I’d say it’s worth calling the neighbouring LA to see what they say.

Thank you, yes Wallis I saw that post, and I am wondering the same thing, especially as we already have one ASD child. She just presents very differently to him, but I know the is a lot of research into the differences between girls and boys on the autistic spectrum.

It’s definitely worth looking into as really the fact you already have a child with ASD makes it more likely IYSWIM. So it’s a positive that they are talking about referrals etc.

It’s good that they have come round a bit and it sounds like DH is too? I hope so.

You are NOT a failure. 💐

Happy to chat about home ed BTW if it’s an option, feel free to PM.

Op sending

On one hand she could just be too young. But school must deal with children who are just too young all the time. Yet they think she's worse they've seen!?!

So on the other hand there could be ASD. Better to rule that out or develop strategics sooner rather than later.

Hope you all have a chilled out weekend.

Can I ask how you get her ready for school? Do you ask her, try to jolly her along or treat it as an impersonal fact?

I had more success when changing language, totally disengaging, acknowledging that he didn't want to go but that he had to, and setting alarms. So it was no longer "please go and get dressed" x 50 but "that's the alarm, you need to get dressed now." And at 4, I was dressing them.
-But I don't want to go!
-I know you don't, but it's Tuesday, and on Tuesdays you go to school. You'll be home at x time.

What is her uniform, can you tell us? Is there anyway you could tweak it somehow so it is acceptable?

Hi Chocolate Train, to be honest we've tried everything with getting dressed: making it a reward against her brothers, letting her choose when to get dressed, telling her as you say "I know you don't want to but it's a school day, it will be a mummy and daddy at the weekend." The most success we've had is having a teddy bear trying to get dressed and it "saying" "I bet you can't get your to on can you?" But it doesn't work everyday and it's a long process.

We have tried every blimmin combination of uniform: polo shirts with short and long sleeves, proper blouses, pinafores, skirts,culottes, all with or without school cardi. I took her to get new shoes yesterday and let her totally choose her own within uniform guidelines, so she now has some boys-style ankle boots instead of Mary-Jane style ones.

She's already crying and saying she doesn't want to go to school on Monday. Despite having been to a party with her classmates this morning.

2 things - you could draw with a sharpie if you can’t get tattoos. But my little girl has separation anxiety rather than school anxiety so I’m guessing it might not work for her.

I know what you are saying about Ed Psych but my godmother is an ed psych and isthe nicest, gentlest person. I’m sure would be a positive thing if you did see her

Finally, it sounds like you are trying so hard and doing such a great job.

we already have one ASD child. She just presents very differently to him, but I know the is a lot of research into the differences between girls and boys on the autistic spectrum.

My DD1 (21) just read your OP and said "Mum. That girl has Autism." DD1 was diagnosed aged 12 and recognised herself in what you have described.

DD2 also has ASD. Both are articulate and academically able, both mask to a huge extent and work like trojans to fit in socially and they also present extremely differently from each other in other ways.

I used to think there was no way DD2 had ASD because she was so different from her sister. I was sooooo wrong!

I would recommend a visit to the GP to request a neurodevelopmental assessment. In the meantime, don't push school if you feel it may be damaging her mental health.

Happy to chat by PM if it helps.

Please don't worry about the Ed Psyche, this is someone who can observe in the classroom and advocate for your dd, and suggest (with some weight to be taken seriously by school) what else the school might be able to do to help her. The EP teams know of all the good resources and ideas across the county, the ones I've met are very much on the side of the child they go to see, and they work with preschool children and toddlers so pick up the good early years practice as well as help with transitions. The EP joining in discussions with you and school also add weight for the LA if the right decision is that she isn't ready and comes out of school now and tries again next year.

I know from other parents it can vary, but the EPs we've been involved with as a family over the years have been brilliant and helped get resources in and decisions to happen. They've been more about helping the school and LA establish what a child needs than any kind of psychological assessment, honestly.

I home ed my children and have done from the start. Happy to chat via pm if it might help.

OP it sounds like you have tried all the usual and more.

One of mine didn't start school until y2 (bit of kindergarten in y1 but we still couldn't leave). They have just finished uni.

Another was unhappy in infants so we home ed for a while and then started at a different school. TBH that child did 2 primaries and 2 secondaries and school was never a good fit. Has great job now which is a good fit.

Another did flexi school part time in reception. Had blip for all of y10. Happy at college now.

They all have different combinations of stuff going on - sensory, attentional, asd, dyslexia. It's really hard. You know your child best. Hopefully the ed psych can support the delayed start you requested in first place.

We had this with DD at nursery, aged just 3. After a month of terror and misery I gave up and kept her home. A year later she started Reception. She took a while to settle then, she was a sensitive, anxious child, but by half term she happy and soon loved school.
It’s cruel to persist, making a child unbearably unhappy.

She's 4!! Ed Psych seems like a massive overreaction.

It is amazing that the school are providing this so quickly- it is absolutely the right thing. It does sound like it might be ASD and getting them involved so quickly is great.

Thank you so much again to everyone, your support is really helping me to get my thoughts in order.

Can you let her watch something on the iPad and just get her dressed? Don't mention school or getting ready just do the stuff that needs to happen?

I've not been in your situation it must be very hard