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Original poster

Please help: ideas for a Reception refuser

100 replies

Choccywoccyhooha · 04/10/2018 13:47

This is week 5 I think of term, and my daughter is still battling school everyday. She was only 4 at the end of August and I just don't know how long we keep going until enough is enough. She's the youngest of 3 and the others have always enjoyed school, so I have no idea what to do.
She has already had her timetable reduced to half days, but it hasn't made any difference. She still wakes every morning and immediately starts sobbing about not wanting to go to school. It has taken us around 2 hours each morning to get her dressed, with her screaming the whole time and she is then carried to school crying and passed over to a teaching assistant, still sobbing. Once they engage her she seems to be okay for around 2 hours but then starts to meltdown, which is why we are now collecting her at 12.
I think the whole situation is cruel and we need to stop now and take her out (she's not compulsory school age until next September), but school and DH want to keep going. An added problem being that DH cannot get her ready, today I told him that I didn't have the strength to spend 2 hours getting screamed at today so he would have to get her ready. He gave up and now she's had a day off and it feels like we are back to square one, only now she thinks that daddy will let her stay at home, despite it being him who won't let me take her out.

It's ruining family life, she is crying for 2 hours every morning and for much of the afternoon and evening too. I literally have no time or energy for the other two who are 7 and 8. And I feel like we are fully all of them. I can't go on like this. I just want to run away with her.

Any suggestions, tips, advice would be greatly appreciated. How do you get a refuser to school? When do you say enough is enough?

OP posts:

WatsonCat · 04/10/2018 22:30

What a horrible situation for you both

WatsonCat · 04/10/2018 22:36

Sorry, I pressed send too soon!

My main concern about taking her out of school is that at some point in the future she is going to have to go to school again, whether that's after Christmas, or next September. She's clearly very distressed but I would worry that removing her would give the message that if she cries and gets upset she will get to stay home with mummy again. You might well find that she acts in the same way when she re-starts school.

I would stick with mornings for the whole school year. I know she is getting upset after a couple of hours but eventually this may stop. I did read something online about a mum sewing a 'special button' onto her child's school jumper and he just had to play with/touch this button if he was upset or missed home. It worked for that particular child. Might be worth a go?

The other option might be to look for another, smaller school and start her in year 1 there in September. It may be that her current school just isn't a good fit for her.

Or possibly home educate for 2-3 years and then put her into a different school for year 2 or 3. By that time she will be much older and hopefully ready for school.

MinaPaws · 04/10/2018 22:42

Take her out of school. Let her know that when she's ready she can join again. That she has to start next year when she;s a big girl, but this year she can choose when to start. Summer borns are so tiny at that age. The other kids can seem massive and advanced and scary - the autumn borns have been on the planet a whole 25% longer than summer borns. It's a massive gap when you think about it.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General education Primary education

BitOutOfPractice · 04/10/2018 23:39

So let me get this straight. Your "DH" is refusing to take her out of school. But is also refusing to get her into school. Is that right. In which case, I'm flabbergasted.

Original poster

Choccywoccyhooha · 05/10/2018 00:21

Yep, pretty much that. I have just told him that I am going to be out of the house at 7 tomorrow and he can try again with her, to which his response was "okay I won't take her in then." And yet he STILL says he wants her in.

At the moment I just want to take her far far away.

OP posts:

SleepingStandingUp · 05/10/2018 01:03

Do it OP and when you get home tomorrow say did you take her in? When he says no say well if you won't take her in and I won't take her in, I'd better call school and tell them. If he argues again say we'll you have to step up and take her then!!

moredoll · 05/10/2018 01:16

Can you appeal the LA decision? I thought summer born children had the right to a delayed start. It's not just that she's obviously too young for reception. She'll be too young for secondary and too young for university. As for falling behind, Scandinavian countries don't start formal learning until much later and their children are fine.

AvoidingDM · 05/10/2018 01:17

Poor wee girl!

I thought the Law in England changed to allow summer babies to defer entry into Reception last year?

If you can completely defer I would take her out give her more time in nursery maybe a bigger busier nursery.
Alternatively if you can't wait until August to restart. Ask about re-starting after Christmas or Easter?

She's clearly not ready for it. And its not going to help her learn being so upset.

I went into the bum hole of why the UK starts school so young. I expected to find they thought that's when kids learned best or something.
No the answer is 1880 compulsory education act MPs wanted kids to get 5 years of education before starting work aged 10!

Sod all to do with being developmentally ready, still highly relevant 140 years later (not) when many kids have 15+ years of education in front of them!

Stupomax · 05/10/2018 02:56

I had one like this, but we moved to the US before it became an issue, so she got to start at 5, when she was ready. That year really did make all the difference.

I would not send her right now. What is it achieving? It just sounds absolutely awful for everyone, especially her. My heart breaks for her.

3WildOnes · 05/10/2018 07:56

I would really fight the la for her to start next year in year R. At the mean time I would keep trying but reduce down to an hour a day and try to work up from there. I think going straight into year 1 would be much harder so I would persevere if they won’t let her defer. One if mine really struggled with reception and only really went in happily in year 1, he loves school now though.

user1471459936 · 05/10/2018 08:09

If you can, take her out of school. As for "falling behind" I doubt she is learning anything whilst being so stressed and upset!

Singlenotsingle · 05/10/2018 08:11

Take her out. She's just not ready. In some countries the compulsory school age is 7. Poor little girl.

littledinaco · 05/10/2018 08:20

I think the whole situation is cruel and we need to stop now and take her out

Agree with this completely, she is communicating to you she is distressed by the situation, please listen to her.

You could use her nursery funding if you wanted to. Also, it might be worth joining some local home-ed groups (look on Facebook). Lots of parents home-ed for reception (or longer) then send their DC to school. She could attend meet ups so she socialises and some ‘classes’ where you get to stay with her so she isn’t left. Then reassess next year.

woolduvet · 05/10/2018 08:41

Just a though re direct entry to year 1. She may actually find it easier.
Year 1 is usually quieter as children are working on tasks usually instead of as whole class free play?
Is there specific sessions they think she enjoys, could she go in for those?

steppemum · 05/10/2018 08:45

well, no.1 I would be extremely pissed off with my dh if he did that.

She obviously is not ready for school.
BUT, I do wonder if she is showing signs of other needs. She has ear defenders, so does she get overwhelmed in other contexts?
Does she have sensory processing issues?
Is it possible she is on the autistic spectrum?
Would it be worth thinking about assessments for her?

All of that may be nothing, and she may just not be ready for school, but a couple of the things you said, coupled with the extreme 2 hours screaming morning and afternoon rings a few alarm bells with me.

Legally, the school have to hold your place. they don't like it, and they will protest, so you have to be ready to fight, but they will hold your place until the term after she starts 5, or the first term of year 1. She would then have to go back into year 1.

Is there a smaller calmer school, maybe with a different physical layout that might work better for her?
I think that school are not doing all they can to help either.

Felicidades · 05/10/2018 08:51

Former primary headteacher here. Don’t want to offer my opinion on whether you should take her out or keep trying, but if you do decide to keep going, it may be worth experimenting with a few more transition strategies.

Have you tried asking about taking her in when there are no other children present? After school, maybe, or at lunchtime when it’s maye a bit quieter in there? She could get a feel for the setting without feeling overwhelmed. Short visits, and then you gradually move up the ‘overwhelm’ scale to slightly busier moments in the day.

Maybe sort out a transitional object (not a toy if the school doesn’t want them in) - sometimes children choose a photo, or a scarf, pair of gloves etc.

You might be able to bring something home from school to play with.

Might be worth asking the school for some photos of the classroom/outdoor space etc, even better if you can get her in the photos, so you can talk about them at home. Maybe role play things, she might find scary - going to the loo, lunch, going to assembly etc. Anything so there is less of a schism between home and school.

Just a few ideas - might not work but may be worth a try.

wwwwwwwwwwwwww · 05/10/2018 09:42

Was she at nursery? I'm pretty sure you can keep getting your free hours before they are compulsory school age. Not sure how that will work with her having been registered for school maybe call the council and ask. I would withdraw my child straight away. Your husband can't get her into school so needs to be realistic that this is not working.

marvelmum · 05/10/2018 09:49

This may have been mentioned but have you tried a "Timetable of Events" for her. Ask the school about it and you yourself could make her one. Its just photos of what she will be doing throughout the day i.e. the first photo would be get dressed for school, the second photo a cereal bowl (breakfast) the third photo a toothbrush and so on until its home time then a photo of you and her or daddy. This worked for my son, I attached each photo or drawn picture with velcro and he enjoyed doing this each day. He doesn't use it now but it really did help as we had 2 weeks of what you are describing and it's exhausting. Hope it helps xx

PersisFord · 05/10/2018 10:00

One of mine is not particularly happy in reception at the moment. Things that have helped us are:

Looking on the school menu in the morning and talking about what she might pick for lunch. She was finding it a bit stressful to be suddenly presented with the options but now we can talk about it and decide at home (and I can explain what things like enchiladas are).

We drew a picture together of us cuddling and it’s in her book bag

We both have a mole on our wrists in the same place. If she misses me she presses it and if I miss her I press mine. The friend who told me this has a massive pack of tiny temporary tattoos and she and her little boy put the same one on in the morning (on his arm above his tshirt) for the same effect

She is one of the oldest in the year, though, and I can’t imagine trying to do this with her at just 4. Even if you just kept her home until after half term and gave you all a break would that work?

marvelmum · 05/10/2018 10:53

3. We both have a mole on our wrists in the same place. If she misses me she presses it

Aww this is so lovely

Veganfortheanimals · 05/10/2018 10:57

Not worth upsetting her ,take her out .home educate or try again in year

mockorangey · 05/10/2018 11:29

In your situation I would definitely take her out and try again next year. It sounds like the situation hasn't improved at all in several weeks, and there is almost nothing positive at the moment. Really, I think if a child is still this distressed at this point, then the LEA should be obligated to allow her to defer a year or provide some professional help for settling in.

My DS is also end of August-born and has just started school. He is struggling and I now really regret not having deferred him. There are several days in the last two weeks where he has had to be peeled off us at drop off, and where he has cried in the classroom during the day. However, he has also had some days where he has gone without a fuss and hasn't cried, so there is something positive to work with, although it feels like mixed messages at times.

WatsonCat · 05/10/2018 16:53

How are things today, OP? Did your DD go to school?

Ohyesiam · 05/10/2018 16:57

If she’s terrified as you say, I’d not hesitate in taking her out. You can’t have your 4 year old terrified.

newmumwithquestions · 05/10/2018 17:09

Sorry, will come back later but don’t have time to rtft

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