Perspective needed - I made another Mum cry yesterday.

[widgetbeana]

I need some help to decide if what I did was ok, I felt right about it in the moment but then this poor woman cried and I feel worried I did wrong. Tell me what you think.

I was at a busy playpark yesterday with lots of children. There is a tall treehouse thing which has a slide out of it. There are steps around the back to get up to it, but doing this is out of eyeline of the slide.
There was a small boy, probably nearly 3ish, at the top of the slide he wasn't coming down but wasn't letting anyone past. His mum was at the bottom of the slide cajoling him 'come down x, come on darling, ok well let the other children come down etc'. He wasn't moving, this continued for 3 or 4 minutes. During which time the queue of children waiting snaked all the way back through the tree house and down the step sections.

Not sure why, but then he turned and started to hit the other children around him. Really hitting hard, one little girl next to him in particular was getting beaten around the head and face. His mum then walked off around the back to go up and get him. Lots of parents at the foot of the slide were shouting at the little boy to stop hitting, there were 4 children crying from being attacked and he wasn't stopping. So I ran up the slide to get to him and took his hands and said 'don't hit them, it's not kind'. The mother then appears behind him and sharply tells me 'I can handle this'. She lifts him down the steps. I go back down the slide.

A few minutes later she appears beside me telling me she doesn't think I needed to intervene, that my child wasn't in danger from him. I told her that none of those children up there were my children actually, mine had changed her mind and left the queue. I calmly told her that he was hurting and scaring the children and I couldn't let him do that. She said 'he is very tired and only little' so I replied ' I totally understand that, we all have days like this, but I had to step in, he was really hurting them'. Then she burst into tears. I told her it was ok, we all have days like this. But then her friend came over, gave me an evil look and took her away.

I feel bad now that she cried, but I also feel like there were 4 children crying and scared. Did I do the wrong thing?

@ Imagreyhound.

No, OP they don't. Except on MN.

And hang onto the fact that it wasn't you who made her cry, it was the fact that her child was behaving so badly and she was unable to deal with it.

We've all had those moments. Most of us have been on both sides. If my 3 yr old was not letting other children play on a slide, he'd have been removed at that point. Once he dealt the first blow, definitely. Her mistake was to make it necessary for someone else to intervene.

@widgetbeana

The point is the other children’s parents were there and they weren’t concerned enough about what was going on to dash up the slide.

So I reckon you over reacted

the mn 'mind your own business' 'dont sneak' is unbelievable, real playground mentality.

the child was hitting and needed to be stopped,which the op did without hurting him or touching anywhere inappropriate. A less enlightened age would have been 'stop that you little shit (whack)' . We dont do that but standing by is too far the other way.

mum should have done what op did and sooner.

Honestly, I’ve been that Mum who’s burst into tears in a play setting because of my children’s behaviour. They are not violent fortunately, but one has complex needs and the other twin may also have some issues. It can be extremely overwhelming and embarassing. People are not kind, the looks you get are awful, I find it so hard.

She was already on her way up to get him if she appeared behind him as you stopped him, so why not let her deal with it?

Just because a child has SEN doesn’t mean they have the right to hit other children, ever. On the other hand, if a child is behaving unusually for their age, responding negatively to others around them, it’s really not a good idea to touch them. You have no idea what’s going on with them. You could have made things far worse.

If my child hit someone else while I was wrangling the other, I’d have no problem with them tellling them to stop or telling them off harshly, but I wouldn’t be happy about someone touching them, especially if I was literally coming upbehind them to sort it out.

OP you did the right thing. I feel hugely for the mother though - yes perhaps she should have got to him more quickly but i can just imagine how she feels - his behaviour was within the bounds of normal for his age IMO but very trying. It was right to intervene quickly for the sake of the children around him but some of the perfect parent posts on this thread really lack compassion.

I will never turn a blind eye to situations like this. I would have been shouting at him myself to stop if I hadn't physically intervened.

I know the world is much more wary and self contained than it used to be. But what is that famous quote about the conditions for evil being about people doing nothing and standing by? (Not saying the boy was evil, he's a child, I'm talking more broadly about society and situations in general)

widget I agree. It’s a strange world where you are only ‘allowed’ to intervene to protect or help your own child, not anyone else.

Some children been hurt there but apparently the OP wasn’t supposed to do anything.
The mum was clearly not coping (see her reaction afterwards) but we are not supposed to step in either.

I’m wondering what is the limit at which point we are supposed to actually start looking out for others? When SS need to be involved but not before then?

I suspect she cried because you undermined her confidence by not allowing to deal with it. It sounds like she's struggling with dealing with his behaviour and probably finds taking him to the park very stressful. It's her issue not yours, and I think it was kind of you to empathise with her like you did.

The other kids parents were there.
The mother was on the way to deal with it.

If the parents weren’t present that’s a different story.

The mum was trying her best, having a bad day. You did what you thought was right in the moment. I don't think what you did was wrong. Going round to the stairs wasn't the quickest way to deal with it. Your idea was quicker. 'you should only intervene to stop a child hurting another child if one of the children is yours' is bollocks. Weird atomised worlds we live in.

This is a very minor incident all round and I hope no one involved is ruminating over it for long.

I also think with young DC shouting at them doesn't really work, you need quick actions to diffuse these sort of situations.

Of course I feel for the mother. Of course I do, I genuinely meant it when I said we all have days like this, because WE DO! I totally, totally get it. But I guess I was questioning why making one woman cry made me feel worse than 4 children crying. Why was her hurt causing me to think more than the children?

The other parents made a judgment call that it wasn’t serious enough to get involved other than calling for him to stop.

You undermined them too.

I think your behaviour was unnecessary. If his mother was already going to get him, why did you have to run up the slide? You got there a few seconds before her, that definitely didn't make much of a difference. If I had witnessed the situation, I would have thought that the other mother was a bit wet, but your behaviour was worse. Totally ott.

I guarantee you the other Mum will be ruminating over it for a long time. It’s an absolutely awful situation to be in.

I don't get this I've stepped in before when parents can't cope sometimes all you need is an extra pair of hands I've had people help me out it's part of parenting yes?

As long as you were kind to the child and spoke nicely (sounds like that was the case) then you didn't do the wrong thing...just forget about it. Sounds like the mum was having a bad day.

Touching - There’s a difference between chivvying someone out of the way to get up the slide stairs and then there’s running up a slide in front of parents whose children are getting directly whacked but not behaving like OP did, so that she could restrain the boy.

And of course it is reasonable to intervene and touch someone when there is a real and present danger of death, to anyone, child or not.

The point I am making about OPs child not even being there is that other parents children were and they didn’t run up a slide. I can see why the mum was undermined.

Sink but how long would it have taken you to actually do someth8ng about the situation?
In the OP case, it had gone long enough for the child to hit several children, several times.
Why taking the time to go the long way when you know that other children are been hurt?

I get that if you have a child with SN then another adult intervening might making worse.
But does it mean that, just in case said child has SN, then the children should just bear the hitting and the mum taking her time to Get to the child?

I think you can look at it from two angles. The one the child hitting and then you might be right. Or the one of the children been hit and hurt. They neeeded to be protected, more quickly thatbthe mum did. In that regard, the OP was right.
I personally think that, as more children were getting hurt, they had the priority.

Christ alive, we aren't allowed to touch the hand of a child now?? I once grabbed the hand of a small child who was about to run into the road. He had got away from his mother and I was on the curb waiting to cross when he pelted by me. No one was worred that I - a stranger - touched his hand then, I can assure you.

Sometimes I think MN exists in a parallel universe.

You did the right think OP the Mum should have intervened before that and no way do I think you should only look out for your own DC what a sad world to live in that would be.

The Mum probably cried because she knew she was out of order not dealing with him sooner!

I guess people were saying the mother was sorting it busy going around to the steps. She was just taking what felt like a long time and he was really going for it lashing out. I got there maybe 10 seconds before her.

Also the other parents at the bottom, there were 3. One was breast feeding, one with a toddler and one pregnant. So I feel like I didn't undermine them as they were occupied.

I live in a small village. I like to think it has a community feel to it. While I know my child is my responsibility I can confidently say that if I was not right on hand (whether it be an 'acceptable' reason like sorting out a nose bleed, or an 'unacceptable' one like just wandering off to chat to someone) that another adult would step in to sort out conflict or problems with children. In the same way I would do the same, and hope the parents would know I was acting in good faith.

I agree - and I live in the guts of south London! I frequently go to a playclub where relative strangers will keep an eye on each other's very young children while the parent deals with a sibling or whatever, and I - despite being quite an anxious person naturally - am confident leaving DD, too, if the need arises. I am more restrained with others' children than I expect others to be with mine, because I see that that's the typical way of things here, but I'd have no problem doing what the OP did in this situation, or having it done for me. (Though I agree that if I was having a bad day it might all come out.)

This is one sided so it's hard to tell . Best not to get involved generally though .