Perspective needed - I made another Mum cry yesterday.

[widgetbeana]

I need some help to decide if what I did was ok, I felt right about it in the moment but then this poor woman cried and I feel worried I did wrong. Tell me what you think.

I was at a busy playpark yesterday with lots of children. There is a tall treehouse thing which has a slide out of it. There are steps around the back to get up to it, but doing this is out of eyeline of the slide.
There was a small boy, probably nearly 3ish, at the top of the slide he wasn't coming down but wasn't letting anyone past. His mum was at the bottom of the slide cajoling him 'come down x, come on darling, ok well let the other children come down etc'. He wasn't moving, this continued for 3 or 4 minutes. During which time the queue of children waiting snaked all the way back through the tree house and down the step sections.

Not sure why, but then he turned and started to hit the other children around him. Really hitting hard, one little girl next to him in particular was getting beaten around the head and face. His mum then walked off around the back to go up and get him. Lots of parents at the foot of the slide were shouting at the little boy to stop hitting, there were 4 children crying from being attacked and he wasn't stopping. So I ran up the slide to get to him and took his hands and said 'don't hit them, it's not kind'. The mother then appears behind him and sharply tells me 'I can handle this'. She lifts him down the steps. I go back down the slide.

A few minutes later she appears beside me telling me she doesn't think I needed to intervene, that my child wasn't in danger from him. I told her that none of those children up there were my children actually, mine had changed her mind and left the queue. I calmly told her that he was hurting and scaring the children and I couldn't let him do that. She said 'he is very tired and only little' so I replied ' I totally understand that, we all have days like this, but I had to step in, he was really hurting them'. Then she burst into tears. I told her it was ok, we all have days like this. But then her friend came over, gave me an evil look and took her away.

I feel bad now that she cried, but I also feel like there were 4 children crying and scared. Did I do the wrong thing?

The question of why go up the slide has been asked a lot, I guess I saw her walking, and it was walking not rushing or running, towards the back of queue. As she walked away he was continuing to hit he other children repeatedly. I guess part of me thought she might struggle to get through the tight playhouse, especially with all the other children in the way. So when he continued to hit and I saw no sign of her emerging at the top I headed up myself. Hindsight shows she was 10 seconds behind me, but I did not know that at the time. Also 10 seconds give time for about 10 more hits.

I've asked before on this thread and no one has answered.

If your child wasn't involved at what point would you stop the violence? If a child was being kicked - would you watch? If a child was biting - would you watch? If one of the children being hit started to bleed - would you watch?

You have to intervene at some point surely, so why not then.

There’s only shame involved if were all in the crazy everyone’s-a-loser game of perfect parenting. Embarrassment for taking your eye off the ball, maybe, but shame? Depressing.

I was at soft play with my 14 month old yesterday. We were playing in the ball pit and other boys were in there too. They were between 2 and 3. No parents in sight. A boy came up to my DS and put his hands around his throat. I got hold of his hands and took them off and said "don't do that please" he then did if again. I did the same and asked if not to do it and to be gentle. I moved my DS he followed him around and went to do it again. At this point we move out of the ball pit. If it was someone else's child id have done the same. The ball pit was fenced it so even if a parent as watching it would have taken 30 seconds to a minute to get to where we were.

I'm surprised no one has requested a diagram

@widget, this makes sense OP, however I can totally appreciate why the mother felt undermined.

Please god, no diagram! I am rubbish at drawing

What’s done is done. I wasn’t there to judge but if you feel it was the right thing to do I’m sure it was. Too many people stand by and let things happen. Just because it’s little children doesn’t mean you should let them hit each other in front of you and do nothing because you’re not a parent of the child hitting or other kids involved. I think all adults have a responsibility to do the right thing to keep kids safe. If I see children of any age behaving in a reckless way that could hurt them or someone else I would say something (if parents not near to do so) It’s ridiculous to say you shouldn’t intervene because your kids weren’t getting hurt. That’s quite selfish. The mum was probably on the verge of tears anyway as it sounds a pretty awful ordeal and she’s probably at her wits end if he’s a naughty child all the time. I think it’s better to interfere in a situation if people getting hurt than stand there worrying you might offend someone. Don’t worry about it. Your heart was in the right place. Also if you just took his hands to stop him hurting other kids I don’t see anything wrong with that either. We’ve gone bonkers in this country. Common sense needs to be applied. Well done for being one of a few that actually has the balls to do something not just stand and shout at a young child.

oops wrong thread

I don't blame you. Touch him kindly or let him hurt loads of kids. You did the right thing given you weren't aware how long she would be and even if she had have got there quickly it sounds as if she might have been ineffective at stopping him anyway.

Sen has been mentioned here so I’d just like to weigh in.
The mother got defensive & then cried because she’s struggling with his ‘not typical’ behaviour. It is very possible from the OP the toddler may have Sen, it’s also possible the Mum does either not know about it or in the process of diagnosis and doesn’t want to say anything as it’s not ‘official’ or simply just doesn’t want to tell strangers yet.

Whatever the situation though you did the right thing. Having a child with Sen is really tough, especially at that age when it starts to become apparent that your seemingly neurotypical child may actually have a life long disability.

If it helps OP I recently burst into tears when my LO got overwhelmed & had a melt down and this woman was actually nice to him & helped me calm him down. No one has ever been nice about it before.
Anyway the tears had nothing to do with what you did, the Mum was just likely overwhelmed herself.

I’m astounded at the number of people who think you shouldn’t intervene unless your child is involved. What a crappy attitude, I saw a woman fall over at the weekend. She was a complete stranger, should I just let her lay there because I wasn’t related? Of course not, but it’s apparently ok to let other children be hurt and just say nothing.

Sen has been mentioned here so I’d just like to weigh in
The mother got defensive & then cried because she’s struggling with his ‘not typical’ behaviour. It is very possible from the OP the toddler may have Sen, it’s also possible the Mum does either not know about it or in the process of diagnosis and doesn’t want to say anything as it’s not ‘official’ or simply just doesn’t want to tell strangers yet

Once again, someone has just put the SEN theory out there without any evidence. It has been suggested by a poster that wasn't there that the child MAY have a SEN and people have rolled with it. Never mind that there could be other possibilities such as being allowed to get away with things and mum doesn't discipline and that is normal behavior to him or that he is witnessing this against his mother.

Seeing that we are throwing theories about maybe the mother thinks the child can do no wrong and is upset that someone thinks he can! Perhaps that's why she is upset.

@Youaremysunshine2017

I would have been on a mission to find the parents after that!

Since the mum was on the way, you should have left it to her. However she did leave it too long, so you both made mistakes - yours was the more responsible one. Hopefully she will intervene quicker next time.

Thatstheendofmytether I honestly had no idea of who she could be. It was quite busy and I was shocked at the amount of really young kids just being left alone. Usually when we go somewhere I can make an informed judgement of who the parent or carer may be but no clue yesterday!

@Youaremysunshine2017

I go to softplay a lot because of my job and I've had this a few times, not the choking but being completely clueless to who a child belongs to. Once a little boy grabbed on of my kids sat on top of him up in one of the higher areas punched him and threw him down the stairs. I got there just as he threw him. Softplay wasn't busy many 10 other people so most people saw and heard me shout at him to stop it bit no mother claimed the child. Whoever it was allowed it to happen and just ignored it. I was absolutely fuming!

I too had a child with behavioural problems. He was not normal whatever normal is and could not relate in social situations. It was such a never ending struggle bringing him up and trying to explain his actions. He is grown up now and still needs managing by his wife. We still have to make allowances for his unkind remarks and actions. In his own field he is now a gifted talented and highly regarded person making a difference to the lives of others. What a strange odd and wonderful thing life is.

I'm honestly suprised by the replies that say you shouldn't have intervened and people shouting at him to stop wbu. So he was OK to be hitting other children? His mum was casually getting around to sorting it whilst he hit other children in the face?

Op I think you stepped in with good intentions and protected other children and possibly him from being harmed. What if one of the other children had pushed him to stop him hitting out and then he fell?

The mum sounds stressed, embarassed and tired so the tears were a result of that. When ypu spoke to her it was very measured and reasonable so an attack at all.
Well done for stepping in and I would have done the same.

You did everything right. My DS used to be like this boy (no SEN before anyone asks). This kind of behaviour doesn’t just come out of the blue - my son used to be stubborn, would hate anyone telling him WHEN to go down the slide (or any activity involving queing) and would start hitting other kids when angry.
It stopped after careful planning of activities and explaining to my DS exactly what’s going to happen when he behaves like this (he is removed immediately and we leave NOW) just before he was off to play. I had to watch him every second of his play very closely for months and wasted quite a few days out (I was really sorry for my older son) but it worked.
I think this lady needs to step up instead of crying or her son will be out of control.

Nope I dont see anything wrong in your actions you where taking control of a dangerous situation amongst children. I get the child is small and maybe tired but however is he going to learn if the mother just lets him get away with this behaviour!!! children need to be taught /lead how to socialise. I can also relate to the stress/fear of judgement the mother was experiencing and the urge to just want to swoop the child away to be dealt with in private, sometimes us mothers are a little too judgemental of each other "it takes a village"

If he had been at nursery doing this then the staff would have intervened in the way you did.
Don't beat yourself up about it op - YWNBU

He was obviously scared to go down the slide, and with a queue of people behind him and a load of parents shouting at him is it any wonder he lashed out - he's 3!

Perhaps the other parents could bear in mind not to let their children pressure other people's children for a go on things, but lead them away to play with something else until the way is clear.

@notacooldad I don't think it's unreasonable to think that maybe the child had SEN - the behaviour sounds a bit familiar to some of who have DCs with SEN. Equally, it could be nothing like that - but the PP was just suggesting that the parent (either way) could be so overwhelmed with her DS's bad behaviour that was why she was so emotional and cried.

Not because the OP dared to touch her child, but just because the Mum was feeling awful - and a the end of her tether! Think we've all been there, SEN or not.......

Thatstheendofmytether

that's crazy. I never take my eyes off DS. These parents who don't supervise their kids are a lot braver than I am! I noticed too that bigger kids (6/7) will be in the baby area and then staff will tell them to leave and they explain they're looking after their sibling!