Perspective needed - I made another Mum cry yesterday.

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I need some help to decide if what I did was ok, I felt right about it in the moment but then this poor woman cried and I feel worried I did wrong. Tell me what you think.

I was at a busy playpark yesterday with lots of children. There is a tall treehouse thing which has a slide out of it. There are steps around the back to get up to it, but doing this is out of eyeline of the slide.
There was a small boy, probably nearly 3ish, at the top of the slide he wasn't coming down but wasn't letting anyone past. His mum was at the bottom of the slide cajoling him 'come down x, come on darling, ok well let the other children come down etc'. He wasn't moving, this continued for 3 or 4 minutes. During which time the queue of children waiting snaked all the way back through the tree house and down the step sections.

Not sure why, but then he turned and started to hit the other children around him. Really hitting hard, one little girl next to him in particular was getting beaten around the head and face. His mum then walked off around the back to go up and get him. Lots of parents at the foot of the slide were shouting at the little boy to stop hitting, there were 4 children crying from being attacked and he wasn't stopping. So I ran up the slide to get to him and took his hands and said 'don't hit them, it's not kind'. The mother then appears behind him and sharply tells me 'I can handle this'. She lifts him down the steps. I go back down the slide.

A few minutes later she appears beside me telling me she doesn't think I needed to intervene, that my child wasn't in danger from him. I told her that none of those children up there were my children actually, mine had changed her mind and left the queue. I calmly told her that he was hurting and scaring the children and I couldn't let him do that. She said 'he is very tired and only little' so I replied ' I totally understand that, we all have days like this, but I had to step in, he was really hurting them'. Then she burst into tears. I told her it was ok, we all have days like this. But then her friend came over, gave me an evil look and took her away.

I feel bad now that she cried, but I also feel like there were 4 children crying and scared. Did I do the wrong thing?

If you’re concerned about your child being hit remove your child. Never touch another persons child. Ever.

We don't know if Soecial Meeds were involved. Sometimes kids can be stubborn and not follow social rules like going down a slide so others get their go. Plenty of NT kids have hit out in frustration and a 3 or 4 minute cajoling is far too long to be reasonable.

niugboo but if your child was hurting other children, wouldn’t you do something? Rather than try and cajole them into stopping?

You wouldn't stop a bolting toddler dashing towards a road when the carer can't reach them? Why wouldn't you touch a kid in some circumstances?

Never touch another persons child. Ever.

Ffs.

Never touch another persons child. Ever.

Garbage.

No I would try and stop them hitting my child by restraining them. I would remove my child. You have no idea what was going on with the child or it’s needs so quite simply you do not touch them. Keep your attention on your own child and remove them if necessary.

Crikey! I just checked back in this!

Thank you for those who have been supportive and those who have even PMed me!

I also appreciate the poster who pointed out how good it is to self reflect at times. I have rarely had the need to think about what I believe regarding community and a child's right to safety etc.

Thank you.

the child was not in danger. It’s mother was present. It was totally inappropriate to lay a hand on him.

You don't seem to be able tio understand what was happening. This one child was punching multiple other children. The op took the reasonable and proportional action of taking the hitting child's hands.

Or do other children not matter? It's all 'bugger you Jack, I'm alright'?

the child was not in danger. It’s mother was present. It was totally inappropriate to lay a hand on him.

No. OTHER children were. Are you hard of thinking?

And moving your child would have had the desired effect. Keeping them safe. Considering the wider issues that could have been at play and the uncertainty it was utterly inappropriate.

50 years ago as a child if any adult told you to stop doing something you did, if they told your parents you got told off a second time.
Today I have a friend who has a son who hits people, children and breaks things, nothing wrong with him, he just knows no one will tell him off
.
Sometimes change is not good.
Kids need rules, and to be taught right from wrong..

Best sentence ever heard was parent your child and spoil your grandchildren, or spoilt your children and you can parent your grandchildren.

50 years ago parents of kids with additional needs hid them away.

Never touch another persons child. Ever.

Ah youve back-tracked from this utterly stupid statement then.

Nothing like quoting out of context. It was a reply to someone responding to my original comment where I specifically said in this way. There was nothing about this situation that as ok.

I have an autistic 5 year old. She understands rules such as the slide. But other kids don’t. She waits for the slide to clear and more often than not some bullish kid will try and push her. At which point she freezes in terror. And the more kids push and she will lash out. As a mother it’s incredibly hard to manage this, the other kids start it. She loses it through no fault of her own. And whilst I’m trying to manage in a way that stops her being completely traumatised so know it all do gooder with no clue restrains her. That’s it. Game over. It’s this attitude that stops us going places. Now I’m not saying this is what happened but it could be. You just know. A multitude of things could be going on and rather than managing the situation in a way that keeps your child safe and prevents further escalation you choose to go guns blazing without any consideration for the bigger picture.

Well done. Great attitude.

It was Impossible to move all the other children away. That’s already been covered in detail.

When you have a child with additional needs life is incredibly difficult. But you have to keep others safe & in the process help them to learn what is acceptable & how to control their outbursts. If you don’t they will have serious consequences.

Niugboo - I sympathise. I’ve been there.

But a child’s SEN does not trump the safety & well-being of other children. I’ve always known and accepted that.

Only you know the answer to your question so what do you think and what could you have done better. I am guessing the child involved may have some problems and it could be a trial for his mother socialising him. Have a chat with the other mother.

You are not alone I did something wrong today and got told off. Too right. That’s life. I did what I did for the best of reasons, I have excuses. But damn it was still wrong.

Yeah and some do gooder intervening is a block to all the things you’ve suggested in the case I’ve described. Either way you think it’s fine to restrain another child. I totally disagree.

I take it your child is still very young?

My autistic children are now 14 & 16. There is not much we haven’t been through including a police interview.

The OP was correct to intervene.

OP did a kind thing & it was OP's kindness that made the poor woman burst into tears.

And moving your child would have had the desired effect. Keeping them safe. Considering the wider issues that could have been at play and the uncertainty it was utterly inappropriate.

You didn't bother to read the thread. Very obviously.

Hi OP, I've been that mum so can offer a perspective. I think what you did was far nicer than the mother who screamed at me in a room full of other parents at a messy play group because my son ran in and systematically shoved over every child in his sight. It happened so fast I was just open mouthed. This woman thought it was OK to scream at me about my "brat" and why wasn't I hitting him to show him how it felt etc etc. I burst into tears, scooped him up and left. My son was 2.5 when that happened. He had been referred for behaviour difficulties by the HV and was subsequently diagosed with autism and sensory processing disorder. I hadn't appreciated the affect on him of going into a bright, noisy, full room that was a massive attack on his senses. How the little boy in your case reacted to the pressue of being at the top of the slide sounds very very familiar so it's quite possible that these are issues that affect him and mum doesn't know that yet. It could, of course, be that he is just a little shit but for such a small child to attack other children in that manner is not "normal" in my experience. I would far rather somebody had scooped my son up or stopped him before I was able to reach him. I honestly think you did the right thing. I appreciate also that it must have been awful for mum too. I certainly would tell a child to stop if he/she was hitting my son without a second thought.

I think you acted reasonably and sensibly, and I really don't understand those who are saying you should have stood by and watched as the child hurt others. As the African proverb goes: 'It takes a village to raise a child."