Perspective needed - I made another Mum cry yesterday.

[widgetbeana]

I need some help to decide if what I did was ok, I felt right about it in the moment but then this poor woman cried and I feel worried I did wrong. Tell me what you think.

I was at a busy playpark yesterday with lots of children. There is a tall treehouse thing which has a slide out of it. There are steps around the back to get up to it, but doing this is out of eyeline of the slide.
There was a small boy, probably nearly 3ish, at the top of the slide he wasn't coming down but wasn't letting anyone past. His mum was at the bottom of the slide cajoling him 'come down x, come on darling, ok well let the other children come down etc'. He wasn't moving, this continued for 3 or 4 minutes. During which time the queue of children waiting snaked all the way back through the tree house and down the step sections.

Not sure why, but then he turned and started to hit the other children around him. Really hitting hard, one little girl next to him in particular was getting beaten around the head and face. His mum then walked off around the back to go up and get him. Lots of parents at the foot of the slide were shouting at the little boy to stop hitting, there were 4 children crying from being attacked and he wasn't stopping. So I ran up the slide to get to him and took his hands and said 'don't hit them, it's not kind'. The mother then appears behind him and sharply tells me 'I can handle this'. She lifts him down the steps. I go back down the slide.

A few minutes later she appears beside me telling me she doesn't think I needed to intervene, that my child wasn't in danger from him. I told her that none of those children up there were my children actually, mine had changed her mind and left the queue. I calmly told her that he was hurting and scaring the children and I couldn't let him do that. She said 'he is very tired and only little' so I replied ' I totally understand that, we all have days like this, but I had to step in, he was really hurting them'. Then she burst into tears. I told her it was ok, we all have days like this. But then her friend came over, gave me an evil look and took her away.

I feel bad now that she cried, but I also feel like there were 4 children crying and scared. Did I do the wrong thing?

This thread is really nasty.

     Your comments have been really out there.

Wow! Is this where we're at? Where we cannot even innocently and harmlessly touch another child who is really hurting others?!

I've been minding other people's children over 30 years, including children with Sen. I've intervened when I've seen similar incidents and not once has the parent criticised me! They've apologised/explained and removed their child from whichever situation.

SHE was being unreasonable on letting it get to that point in the first place! Sounds like a "don't do that please Tarquin" (in a soft whiny voice) type when her child is bashing another!

Ffs this is why we are ending up with too many ill behaved, entitled children/teens!

Even IF there were Sen involved, surely she'd be aware of that meaning she should know to intervene earlier? And your actions STILL weren't harmful even if that were the case. But I think it unlikely. This can be relatively normal behaviour from a 3 yr old suddenly struck by how high the slide seemed to them and freezing. Again she knows her child and could be reasonably expected to realise that was the case and go fetch him.

SHE should have firmly taken control of the situation by going up and removing him within a couple of minutes of him refusing to move, and by the point he was hitting other kids a short sharp "no!" Would probably have been very effective! Why are parents and minders SO afraid of telling kids "no" and telling them off? It's utterly bonkers!

Aside from everything else as you describe it I'd have been concerned about his possibly falling from the top of the slide and run up the slide to catch him anyway. He could also have knocked another child off!

So no op imo you did nothing wrong. I rather suspect she was crying and defensive out of upset/embarrassment at her child's behaviour. Her friend may well not have seen exactly what happened and made assumptions.

A 2/3/4 year old is perfectly capable of hitting another child quite hard enough for it to hurt a fair amount/leave marks. Hell as an adult I've been hit, kicked, struck by 2/3/4 year olds either deliberate (rare), mid tantrum (not really their fault it's part of development but does need managed if they're hurting themselves or others) or accidentally and it's bloody hurt and left an injury! One of my dns was dozing next to me once, took a clonic jerk which landed me with a cracker of a black eye!

I've also had occasions when dd was little when she'd have her moments and another adult would tell her off or even remove her from a similar situation (not uncommon at this age) and I've certainly never taken offence. Merely apologised and then dealt with dd.

"they weren’t concerned enough about what was going on to dash up the slide" or they were frozen with the ridiculous paranoia about touching/dealing with other people's kids! Going by this thread I kind of get that!

"Sometimes I think MN exists in a parallel universe." Me too. I've lived all over the uk in a variety of different communities and in none of them would what op did have been an issue.

Snowy I and clearly others on this thread have certainly experienced kids behaving badly even violently and having parents that defend, excuse and minimise! And parent ineffectually. It doesn't do their kids any favours either as they don't learn how to correctly behave within society and can have difficulty making and maintaining friendships. The other mother was there but was too passive and dithering!

you shouldnt really have touched him and as your child wasnt there it was a little bit unreasonable. No one seriously is that stupid, are they? Really?

Seeing a child being hurt is really horrible to watch. I can't quite believe how many people think they can just stand and watch.I would be diving in instinctively and would see it as merely holding the fort until the mother arrived.

If my kids where that 3 year old and someone did that I would be surprised but ultimately a bit grateful as it would have been a shock for my child and probably would have sunk in a bit. A stranger told my son not to run with a lollipop in his mouth the other day after I had told him already and was going to take it away. Big Hurley bloke said to him mate you don't wanna run with that in your mouth and get it stuck and then I have to take you to hospital. Listen to your mother. My 3 yo looked shocked. Stopped took it out of his mouth and was a bit sad but it helped. No he didn't touch my son but I was grateful and thanked him.

I think you did the right thing and it’s not like you were rude to her. If my child was being a demon spawn and hitting another child I would be totally ok with someone telling them to stop or lifting them away from the other child/children. Sometimes it takes a village and I take that not to mean someone else does the parenting but that everyone should be able to speak up and tell a child they are in the wrong if they are doing something that harms themselves or others. If they aren’t harming anyone and it’s just noise or whatever then totally leave it to the parent to deal with but I actually feel relieved when other people back me up when telling my children to stop doing something. Sometimes it just helps children to realise that it’s not just their parents spoiling their fun, what they’re doing is actually considered bad behaviour to most people. Don’t get me wrong I’d provaby feel embarrassed but I’d be relieved. Mums need to stick together not villianise one another

He sounds like he has some SEN and the children behind him were crowding him and he freaked out - if so touching him was completely out of order and you shouldn't (the mum may not even know this but given how he reacted it seems like that)

The poor mother is dealing with a 3 year old who is showing additional needs and you run up the slide and touch him which could have freaked him out even more

This sums it up very well, YWBVU

Nah. You did nothing wrong. Many parents imagine “only they” can tell their child off. If they are not rushing and not dealing well with the issue - somebody will step in. They have to be ready for that.
I dont see how is it your fault thst that woman is tearful- some are very emotional.
You have done nothing wrong.
P..S. next time be careful - a child can whack you too lol

Haha! Love it! Happened to me too

Am a bit surprised at people thinking it is ok to let a child hit others as long as it doesn't hit yours

Me too Mumminmum.
We should all be prepared to step in if children are being hurt. If that means restraining another child then that is what should be done.

I thnk you intervened at a point where the situation was about to get dangerous, you stopped the situation developing further. Supposing instead of hitting he started pushing others backwards down the stairs before the mother got there. It was a potentially dangerous situation.

It doesn't matter what additional needs that child has either. It can't be allowed to hurt other children.

As I said before people are just guessing that he may have SEN.

I'm not saying he has or hasn't but there are other reasons that I have mentioned that could cause him to display the behaviours he did throughout the scenario.

@notacooldad I agree, nobody knows if he does or not. I still think, either way, that his Mum wasn’t doing what she should have been doing so OP was right to step in.

Honestly, you don’t know what this mum has been trough. Probably her DS has some kind of ASD, DPD, and he just act like that when feels overwhelming. It is wrong hit kids of course but she was trying to get him down from the slide and I promise you she didn’t like to see her DS acting like a crazy monkey. Just a little of understanding and compassion. Sorry.

Woah, we’re living in an age where parents think it’s unacceptable to even touch another child? Is that really where we are? It takes a village to raise a child, you absolutely did the right thing.

Wow this thread has become crazy @widgetbeana! I would have done the exact same and if it had happened to my own child I would have felt a bit embarrassed that I hadn't got there first so most likely would have been apologetic and grateful!

Not sure in what world "potential SEN" is license to hurt others for longer than completely necessary. Even in worst case scenario I'd always rather put an adult in the situation as quickly as possible than leave small kids to deal with it on their own. They're certainly not thinking about possible SEN, they're getting hurt and crying and their reactions are unpredictable too.
Also not sure what in this case suggests SEN - surely in that case the mum would have seen the reaction before and got there much quicker. Sounds more like a 3 yr old getting scared on a big slide and panicking a bit to me, in which case a reassuring adult presence as soon as possible is a good idea.

I agree with you ' yatalkshite'
Kids don't generally last out. It could have been learned behavior, e.g. witnessing DV at home.
The OP did the right thing. Being hit hard across the face by anyone is an awful expierence especially for the child at the slide.

notacooldad I agree with that too. And even if he was lashing out because he has SN, that’s not his fault but his Mum should have been quick enough (I had to be when it was mine!) to stop it.

Woah, we’re living in an age where parents think it’s unacceptable to even touch another child? Is that really where we are?

I think (hope) its just a minority of not very bright people, that's all.

Apparently we’re living in an age where it’s alright for a child to hurt other children and nobody should do anything in case the parents get precious

That’s ridiculous.

She was too soft with him - why didn't she do what you did? In trying to cajole her son for such a long time she allowed him to hurt and frighten other children, and stop them enjoying themselves, so how is that right? He doesn't sound like a happy child at all and maybe she was crying because this wasn't the first time. As for her friend giving you the 'evil eye' - what a pity she didn't step in to help as she knows the child. I would have done exactly what you did - he was hurting other children and all this PC rubbish about not touching other children is all very well until this kind of situation arises - those defenceless children needed help.