Little things that make you feel attractive

[TwllBach]

I am 30, mother of one 2 yo DS and a part time receptionist. I live with DP, who, although I love, I have not had sex with for two years - not my choice.

It's definitely a bone of contention and we are tentatively trying to resolve it. However, I am suffering quite a bit of damage from it now as I feel like shit, quite frankly.

I have always had awful body image, from a very young age. As a teenager I was a size 8 with a classic hourglass figure, boobs and hips and toned, tanned and tall. I felt like the ten tonne woman. Now I am overweight, tired, frumpy and haven't been taking care of myself, externally or internally.

I suffered from a deep depression and anxiety from DSbeing about -6 months and I am clawing my way out of it now - I'd say I was 70% better. Along the way I have discovered that I need to take care of myself. Recently I have started eating better and exercising and actually enjoying it again.

The point of this thread is that I clearly don't get external validation for my physical appearance. He does tell me I'm pretty and he is physically affectionate in terms of cuddles, but we don't kiss (as in snog) and obviously no sex. I miss feeling desirable. I miss feeling wanted. I miss feeling attractive.

I am not about to go looking for an affair, but I do want to be able to feel good about myself. I want to feel attractive, for want of a better word. I am pretty broke at the moment and therefore can't spend on clothes or expensive hair cuts, but I have got a basic cut booked for next week. Some other women's ways of doing so have been -

• keeping their nails painted
• a face mask once a week
• wearing their favourite perfume

Does anyone else have any suggestions?

Make some effort. I spend a lot of my time working from home so look like the proverbial dogs dinner, no make up, hair in a high bun, and leggings and a shirt.

When I go out, I do my hair and makeup, dress well and instantly feel more attractive, because the cold hard truth is I look more attractive than I do when I'm mimicking waynetta slob.

So I'd say get up and do your hair, put some light make up on if you wear it, some nice earnings, and don't wear old clothes, you don't have to wear new stuff, but nice jeans, a nice top, it doesn't have to be saved till best till it's gone out of fashion.

Taking the time out, to groom yourself, it does make you feel better. Keep on with the exercise program and healthy eating, the more you get back to a healthy weight the more attractive you'll feel if you're not happy with your current weight.

Bluntness you're so right about making an effort. I was a teacher until I left after maternity leave and was always a dress and tights girl. I made sure my hair was nice etc because I saw it as part of being professional.Where I work now has a uniform of polo shirt over peak season, so I automatically feel scruffy for at least 21 hours a week. I've also fallen into the trap of jeans and jumper, and I don't mean the smart fashionable jeans and jumper that I know is possible!

Yes, I get you. I can look a total state if I'm honest, I wear leggings and a t shirt as said, scrape my hair up and it's job done. I was at a meeting this afternoon and styled my hair, fixed my make up, and hey I looked human again. I don't have low esteem, so am not too bothered, but I fundamentally know I look and feel way better if I make an effort.

It's really easy to fall into thr comfortable slob trap. If you're keen to feel more attractive then a couple of times a week, do your hair, wear a nice top, put some make up on, spray some perfume, whatever it takes. You're going to have some stuff in your wardrobe you can wear, as said, no point in saving it. As you lose weight and use those days to make an effort then you'll be surprised at how much more attractive you will start to feel.

And when you feel attractive, that's when others find you attractive.

My main things are my hair, it's long thick and unruly, so I feel better if I style it even if it's just a plait, and my skin which I take time to look after. I'm not keen on lots of make up or looking "done up" but I always feel attractive if my skin and hair is in good condition and I look healthy. I do spend on products that work but save on other things like clothing by buying vintage, good quality, hunting around charity shops and carefully looking after clothes I've had for yonks.

And I agree with the healthy eating and exercise, it makes a huge difference to how I feel too.

I am also skint so can't afford expensive hair cuts, nails etc. Having a 4 month old also mean no time to put make up on in the day or do my hair properly. But when I do these things I feel slightly less like a frump.

• I wax and dye my own eyebrows, instantly makes my face look better.
• look on Pinterest for quick up do's, my fav atm is 2 French plaits.

-paint my nails

Also find wearing nice and proper fitting under wear always makes me feel better about myself.

Xoxo

Bluntness here's the thing... I don't have stuff in my wardrobe

Some of my old work dresses are suitable for every day wear, but they are in a box in the loft because hello 2 stone of baby weight not lost

This is what I have that IS NOT a scruffy jumper and jeans/work polo shirt combo -

1 x black jeans
1 x burgundy/dark red jeans that I suspect are slightly too short
1 x black floaty strappy vet top
1 x black cardigan
1 x black blazer that is now slightly too big
1 x pale pink blazer that is now slightly too big
1 x slightly smarter pale pink, leopard print jumper that Instagra made my buy

I have an abundance of lovely coats though, which I know is useful. I also have

1 x black ballet pumps
1 x black suede brogues
1 x trainers
1 x suede ankle boots with a small heel
1 x patterned pumps

I have a good shoe and coat game (good is relative.) I have no tops. I have no money....I could possibly spend around £50 on myself between now and Christmas but I know I have to buy a good stock of mix and match basics and I have no clue where to start

Mini I completely understand about skin. I always had lovely skin, never used anything on it but water etc etc but about six months ago I found it looked awful through a combo of dehydration, stress and sleep deprivation. I FINALLY invested in a skin care regime and started taking my make up off and it has made a world of difference. Ditto my hair - if I don't wash it every day I feel like a scummer.

Twinkle I'm so bad at remembering to sort my eyebrows. My entire face actually. I am pale skinned with dark hair and am guilty of sporting a mono brow, beard and moustache. I forget about them for weeks and then look in the mirror and think 'it's no wonder DP doesn't shag me.'

Painting my toe nails gives me a massive boost.
I have just bought 4 Boden best toos from eBay and one gray cardigan I am wearing these every day while I lose weight, lippy on that’s it feel so much better as have a uniform and a plan ! I felt just the same.

How about some charity shops? Sometimes you can find little gems. Or eBay as a pp said?

eBay is my holy grail to sort out my wardrobe.
Look for brands that you would love to buy but are out of your price range normally.

I really like baukje, white company, all saints.

Tops are very easy and usually only a few pounds.
Trousers are trickier because getting the right fit is hard without trying on. I stick to brands that I know my size in like j brand

Yeeeees eBay! I shall peruse the app after work

I always have my toe nails done

My mum never ever did always thought her feet are awful

I was in a similar slump when I turned 30, and something that really helped me was matching underwear.

None of it expensive - mainly Asda! And I just gradually replaced all of my underwear so that now I only have matching sets. It just makes me feel like I’ve got my shit together a bit. It’s just for me, and I like I’ve got the basics right.

You know what, aside from all the little self-care type activities you can engage in, the thing that makes me feel most confident and attractive in myself is just getting out in public with a good friend or two. Pulling myself off the sofa and out of my pjs, hoiking myself to my local and chatting the night away with my bezzie and a bottle of wine. We spend the night reinforcing how amazing we think the other is and I come away feeling like a gorgeous bad ass who's worth a million dollars!

Marthas I have always hated my feet because I had nasty leftover dead skin from a collection of warts as a child. During pregnancy it disappeared!! I don't know why or how, but it had been there for the previous 17 years! I've got a spare hour between work and nursery pick up so perhaps I shall purchase some nail polish.

Myfanwy I would love nice underwear! By nice, I mean stuff that I haven't been wearing since I was pregnant I am an F cup though (roughly) so always struggle to find cheap stuff in a supermarket or something. Having said that, I've just stopped looking really...

Rat you are so right. I met a friend and her son for a pre bedtime walk yesterday and those 45 minutes were so lovely. I do get in a rut though with socialising .

Paint toenails - even if no one else sees them.

Wear jewellery - I have a bracelet that I always wear, and always try to make the effort to put on a necklace. If I've slung on jeans and a jumper/t-shirt, a bit of jewellery makes it more like a "look" (rather than crawled out of bed and grabbed the nearest clean items). Even something cheap and basic.

A bit of make-up, if that's your thing - whatever you like and makes you feel a bit more "done". For me, a bit of eyebrow pencil and blusher wake my face up.

Slightly longer term, seek out basics that are easy and comfy, but suit and flatter you. Jeans and a jumper can be great if they fit well and are really "you". Doesn't have to be expensive, my favourite flattering and confidence-inspiring jumper was from a charity shop, and ebay is your friend too.

Wear said basics with jewellery and one of your nice coats. I have a fabulous coat that I bought for work, but it also transforms any jeans and top outfit.

take a lover

twil I’m a g cup, so know what you mean - no primark bargains for us! But Asda do sell bigger cups and you can get a set for £10ish, I know in the run up to Christmas it’s out of the budget, but something to do gradually.

I was the same, had spent my twenties in maternity bras and was sick of feeling frumpy before I’d even got dressed.

I do get in a rut though with socialising

Me too OP, it's so easy to let that happen! I've only recently discovered it but I am determined that from here on in Saturday evening's are my time! Even if it's just chilling round a friend's. I think it's important to spend time with people who like you and who you like; it gives the kind of affirmation and boost to your self esteem that's similar - better even! - than what you'd get from a partner.

Obviously the affirmation isn't sexual, but I don't think feeling gorgeous is always to do with feeling like people want to sleep with you. Mostly I think it's just walking down the street and knowing that you're somebody people look at and know they would be lucky to be around

Try sphock or Vintage great apps and plenty of bargains to be found!

Sounds fab

Have a lovely foot scrub and give your nails some TLC and paint them a gorgeous colour. Cover your feet in a lovely moisturiser tonight then put on socks to sleep in.

You will have new feet by morning

Have a Chirop or lovely pedicure when you flush for a treat

I look like crap most of the time, but I know that I feel much better just by putting make-up on and painting my nails. Having my eyebrows waxed and colouring my hair always works for me too.

I'm also a fan of finding one new 'everyday' item that makes you feel good when you wear it. It doesn't need to be expensive, as long as you love it. Slowly change your wardrobe so eventually it only contains clothes that you love and you feel good in.

I also agree with spending time with good friends, laughing and feeling like 'you' again.

I have three new nail polishes! One red one for my toes and a nude and a pail pink for my finger nails. I’ve got olive toned skin so nudes can sometimes be the wrong kind of nude so I bought a pale pink just in case. I also bought a moisturiser because I’ve run out!

This evening after bedtime I’m going to paint all my nails and burn my moustache off, hopefully without ending up with chemical burns on my face like I usually do

• I honestly feel two levels of sexiness since losing weight. I had the time and money to dedicate to that but honestly I like my body more now and am more excited about using it, it's a confidence boost

• A lacy bra. Mine isn't lingerie as such but I still feel v good in it

• Musky perfume

• Any sort of regular upkeep (hair, nails, waxing), makeup, wearing nice clothes

• tights, stockings

Just generally very feminine type stuff. Doesn't necessarily lift the libido but feeling good about how I look does raise the confidence on all fronts

Just wanted to add, I'm an F cup too and you can sometimes get good bargins on amazon.