Little things that make you feel attractive

[TwllBach]

I am 30, mother of one 2 yo DS and a part time receptionist. I live with DP, who, although I love, I have not had sex with for two years - not my choice.

It's definitely a bone of contention and we are tentatively trying to resolve it. However, I am suffering quite a bit of damage from it now as I feel like shit, quite frankly.

I have always had awful body image, from a very young age. As a teenager I was a size 8 with a classic hourglass figure, boobs and hips and toned, tanned and tall. I felt like the ten tonne woman. Now I am overweight, tired, frumpy and haven't been taking care of myself, externally or internally.

I suffered from a deep depression and anxiety from DSbeing about -6 months and I am clawing my way out of it now - I'd say I was 70% better. Along the way I have discovered that I need to take care of myself. Recently I have started eating better and exercising and actually enjoying it again.

The point of this thread is that I clearly don't get external validation for my physical appearance. He does tell me I'm pretty and he is physically affectionate in terms of cuddles, but we don't kiss (as in snog) and obviously no sex. I miss feeling desirable. I miss feeling wanted. I miss feeling attractive.

I am not about to go looking for an affair, but I do want to be able to feel good about myself. I want to feel attractive, for want of a better word. I am pretty broke at the moment and therefore can't spend on clothes or expensive hair cuts, but I have got a basic cut booked for next week. Some other women's ways of doing so have been -

• keeping their nails painted
• a face mask once a week
• wearing their favourite perfume

Does anyone else have any suggestions?

Uniglo are great for basics: t-shirts, jeans etc.
Drink loads of water.
Get out for a good walk once a day.
Spent time with people who love you. Not just DP, but friends and family.

I have no idea what the accepted social protocol is on here for commenting on pictures. Doubly so when I'm a man and you're a woman. Please understand if I get it wrong it's because I'm new on the site, not because I'm a nutter.

You look lovely. 100%. You dress well, and you have a great body shape. That jacket looks fantastic on you, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with your hair. You are not repulsive, and unless your DP has delusional expectations, I don't see anything at all that would cause problems in the passion department. Compared to a lot of the UK public that look like something a dung beetle pushes around, you have zero worries.

I don't know what kind of exercise you're doing, but keeping going with that would be good because I always feel much better and attractive in myself after I've done so. I mean, obviously hopefully it makes me look objectively better to others including my DP, but also I have much more self esteem afterwards. I hope it has the same effect for you, even if your DP isn't showing any real appreciation for you right now. Do it for you, not for him!

From my personal perspective it is far too early in your life to accept a no-sex relationship unless it's something you want to happen. Passion is important, and not something to be thrown away or given up on or avoided IMO. I do hope you manage to talk about it with your DP and work it out, I know generally speaking men are crap at talking about this stuff which is frustrating for you.

Looking good lady

Matching underwear, even if just white or black.
I gel polish my own nails and toe nails with a home kit.
Straighten my hair.
Make up.
I had a hysterectomy four days ago and since yesterday have straightened my hair and put a little make up for everyone getting in from work and school. It's made me feel a lot better even though I'm just sat in the chair.I plan to put my gels back on tmrw

A good hair cut. Good eyebrows. Clothes that fit well (hate anything baggy). Some decent foundation.

You look great. Much better than your posts suggest!

I had my eyebrows done today (threaded). I usually go every 4 weeks, but it was 7 weeks this time. What a difference it has made, and only a fiver. I would definitely say eyebrows should be a regular thing

Twlb.. I understand the lack of confidence thing. a while ago, when I was receiving help for depression, the Doctor said, that if I had a little treat every now and again, it would help. It worked for me - if your budget is limited, even a new lipstick (Poundland?) might help. Also, we are coming to the seasonal launch time for lots of cosmetic Houses. Usually lots of freebies around - especially scent! Hope this helps.

Got my eyebrows waxed and tinted today,, I always think it changes my whole face when I have nice brows

You look fab op.

Op congratulations on your new baby . Don’t be too hard on yourself but take those tiny moments you might have to treat yourself. A power walk with the pram - fast enough to raise a sweat - will get your endorphins going, and a ton of water to rehydrate will make you feel and look alive. Have your trackies on hand for your exercise but try to not stay in ‘leisure wear’ all day. You will feel better after a shower getting into something smarter, jeans and a top (and you will feel warmer for the rest of the day too). Having a healthy lunch makes me feel that little bit —smugger— healthier too. Have a trawl through your wardrobe to pick out a different top/sweater each day, so you feel a bit more put together. Yy to the skincare, nails, earrings etc. The pony tail is the easy go to, but buy a pack of clips and YouTube how to do a French pleat or a bun.

I don’t know what a chemically induced breakdown is, so I don’t know how to comment on your oh’s disengagement. But I do feel groomed eyebrows or toenails won’t fix it; they will make you feel better about yourself, though.

You look really good. Honestly. Not at all like I was imagining from your description. I love that pink blazer and what you have in your wardrobe already sounds like a really good start. Burgundy jeans are very in atm.

Do it for yourself though, your DH's problem hasn't been caused in any way by you. Look after yourself.

For me, the things that make most difference are:

brows threaded
wearing decent eye make up (invisible lashes here, so I have to if I don;t want to look ill)
a good haircut
wearing something that's in vogue this season
Weight training. I'm not thin but weight training makes me feel thinner

A blow wave in a salon! Just gives you some pep in your step

sansherif have you tried just clear or slightly pinky nail varnish? I think that always looks lovely on any hands - natural but tidier if that makes sense? And maybe treat yourself to a good moisturiser so your hands are always soft and smooth...who doesn't love a good smooth hand??

Ooforfoxsake I am TERRIBLE at drinking. Most days I will force down a glass of water at the most and then wonder why a) my skin is so tired and b) I have a headache by bedtime! I am adding drink more to my list of things!

Sethis thanks - I'm sure you aren't a nutter and welcome to MN! I'm so conflicted about the no sex thing because as a rule my sex drive isn't that high anyway. Two years is pushing it though... and I keep thinking 'I'm only 30.' I don't really know what to do about that though, so am focussing on the things that I can change to begin with, like how I view myself.

A few PPs have mentioned eyebrows...I'm going to have to give them a good going over I think. I really can't afford to add anything like treatments to my budget, but they are a good natural shape when not hidden by troll fluff, so I need to dedicate half an hour to doing them properly and then make myself stick to a weekly maintenance session. I am thinking of making a timetable for myself - print it off and laminate it! I do miss being a teacher sometimes haha

Snipsnip thank you for the congratulations but DS is nearly 2.5 I am just inadequate enough to still not have lost the baby weight! I did lose it actually, to be fair. I was within 3/4 of a stone of my pre baby weight and then DP had a breakdown which led to my own breakdown and a huge part of that is my relationship with food and here I am... two stone and a half- above where I started pre DS

OP try a local college for cheap/free treatments. Same for hair cut and colour.

Things that make me feel instantly better:

Nails and toes looking polished
Regular eyebrow threads
Keeping my waxing appointments
Good skincare routine to plump out skin
Cute/sexy underwear
A lovely perfume

I always put makeup on even to go to the local shops. I wear nail polish, perfume and nice clothing.

I think you’re focusing on the wrong things. My husband makes me feel attractive and yours should too!

I spend a lot of time on my appearance, I always have my Neil’s and eyebrows done, hair is always done, makeup done, every night I do a face mask and a foot mask with a glass of wine etc.
But if I rocked up in a bin bag with a mono brow and greasy hair my husband would still make me feel wanted and beautiful. That’s his damn job.

OP you made out you were a right state, you look fine

It's also not realistic to compare your body now to your still not fully developed 18yr old self.

It sounds like you want to lose weight, and will be motivated to do so, so I'm not sure if I'd spend any money on clothes for now.

Definitely get your eyebrows done, the difference it makes is surprising.

I love trawling charity shops and ebay for bangles, brooches and silk scarves. Tying a scarf in your hair, or in a bow that dangles from a belt loop on your trousers, can look fab.

Slightly stained lip gloss or balm that you can keep dabbing on during the day.

And pop to nail salon and get a mani and pedi. Always a hundred times more finesse to the finish than a home job.

For me I get my nails done I know it's expensive for a lot of people but it's the only money I spend on myself so I justify it.
I get my eyebrows waxed £6 every 4 weeks.
Also I've been getting into exercise running/walking I'm a little overweight but it's good and free . if I feel good I look good .

Will come back for a read through later

Courtney sometimes I can look in the mirror and think ...oh! I don't look like how I feel! But I had self esteem issues long before I met DP and had a baby, so it's already ingrained in me to feel like a sack of shite. Not having a partner that wants to sleep with me plus childbirth etc has just compounded that. I know I need to work on my self image to get to a point where I am happy with myself too.

You're right about accessories too! I used to have a load of fabric scarves and lovely colourful chunky jewellery nothing expensive, mostly from New Look and places like that, but I have Asian heritage and I really suited dark jewel colours. Now I feel insipid, pasty and like I should be apologising for my hairy, chubby existence. It feels wrong somehow to try and dress myself up and make an effort.

Ahhhh, you're a pale and hairy one! I know this exactly!!

My skin is olive too, and in the summer, I feel like the proverbial bronzed goddess, and once the suns gone, I revert to that shitty pastel brown with a hint of jaundice yellow

Instantly all my dark body hair is more visible and its all just a bit, ugh.

Savers, St Moritz tanning lotion in medium £3.99, is a game changer. It's perfect for our skin tone. It looks orange on some, but on sallow olive, it counterbalances perfectly.

I coat myself (don't worry about looking uneven, it's all even after it washes off) after my evening bath, wait two mins for it to be touch dry, put a onesie on, and sleep in it.

I wake up looking like David Dickinson, but a 5 minute rinse in the shower and I emerge looking healthy and tanned. And about two dress sizes smaller, it's amazing what it does. Even your teeth look whiter.

It takes 10 mins to apply, 5 mins to rinse off on the morning, lasts for 5-7 days so you really do reap the benefits.

Yours sincerely

Fellow hairy one

This.... this could be life changing. I feel like this could be life changing

Shitty pastel brown with hint of yellow is exactly how I would describe myself! 18 months ago the lovely hairdresser I used to go to and spend stupid money at managed to get me confused with another customer. Previously, when I had asked for highlights he did a fab job and it lightened my hair over the summer without going actually blonde, and then over the winter he would do chestnut/red tones so it was darker and warmer. He was amazing. 18 months ago he over did it on the blonde and I swear to god I looked like Marge Simpson It was just before DS's 1st birthday and I had to brazen it out at the party when really I just wanted to put a bag on my head!

I'l give it a go over the next couple of weeks and if it makes a difference Courtney I will include you in my will and leave a plaque in your honour on a bench somewhere

Re exercise, have you checked if there is an outdoor/open air FREE to use gym equipment in the park near you? Its actually fun.
I hate the idea of a leisure centre gym but live exercising outdoors.