Why do people not "get" the term 'Performance Parenting'?

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every so often a thread will appear about performance Parenting, and you ALWAYS get user WILFULLY misinterpreting the meaning.

So, let's say I posted:
I was at the park today and a Father was PPing talking very loudly in a carrying voice to his boy. "OH HENRY!! Look at that! What animal is that? a Dog? can you say dog?"
The child glances over and says "dog"
father replies "Yes DARLING. A Doooog. a doggy dog. He says woof woof. You're so clever"
And the father then proceeds to look around for approval about how very clever his child is and what a fabulous father he is.

It's clear "performance parenting" (and it's fucking annoying)

So, when people post these kind of scenarios, the issue is not the parent talking to the child. But the issue is, the parent making a "performance" of speaking to the child. Looking for approval, knowing smiles, admiring looks and the like.

However...you will always get a stream of posters going:
"Well, I don' see the problem in talking to your child.. jeez OP, I pity you"

"The father was only teaching his child about the dog. Should we all sit in silence and never speak to our children in public?"

"I do this all the time and I'm not PP. I just love my child more than you do"

"uh, it's called Parenting. I teach my child things all the time"

I don't get how so many MNers can't differentiate between parenting and Performance Parenting.

We have a performance parent in our group. We put on some kids songs the other day and she basically sang them all in this really overly dramatic loud voice as if she were a kids entertainer. Much eye rolling was had.

I just let it wash over me. There's a clear difference between interacting with your child and putting a whole show on. Mostly to do with volume I find.

those threads always go the same way, they have done for years.

I don't think it will ever change.

Tbf its a fine line though.

I was sitting on the train the other day with a woman testing her child on english grammar, omg it was tedious. I couldnt decide whether it was performance parenting or whether i was just bitter because she was better at grammar than my kids (and probably me)
Either way, it was loud and it bothered me

Some people are thick.

Some are very black and white in their thinking.

Some lack basic comprehension skills.

Some are hardened performance parents whose heads are sadly stuck fast up their own behinds.

Fine line imo.
I’ve seen plenty of people saying that xx is performance parenting (eg discussion with the child in the supermarket about what to Get for lunch and the child saying houmous or pomegranate.) when for what I a normal interaction.

The example from a PPP about revising grammar in the trains along the same lines...

You are not wrong OP. It is entirely clear who is parenting actively and who is performance parenting.

I say that as the parent of a child with a primary language disorder, I have to loudly draw his attention to things all the time and require him to repeat them. The difference between me and them is not only of intent, but the fact that my child is clearly BEHIND typical development so the showing off accusation is not applicable . I also tend not to look around for approving glances and proof of my child's genius.

I used to know the worst performance parent, they were so exasperating to be around I stopped going to a group.

I love a bit of Performance Nannying

Didn't realise it was a thing until I moved into this area to work.

'Now even though that is a NO ENTRY DEAD END we must ALWAYS look and listen because a CAR might be lost and come round the corner suddenly. So we TREAT THIS CROSSING the same as the big one with five traffic lights. That's right, now we cross, holding hands and LOOKING FOR DANGER ALL THE TIME. That's right, now we are on the other side and we are nice and safe. But crossing the road is VERY DANGEROUS'

This charade is only ever employed when other nannies are around, wontonly giving the road a good look and deeming it safe without making a big song and dance about it, as we cross multiple roads every single day.

Same as when we have picnics. 'That's right, we went to Whole foods didn't we, and portioned out our own hummus. We are learning all the time aren't we. Today we learnt DRAGONFRUIT. No, you can't have any hula hoops darling, they are VERY BAD FOR OUR TUMMIES and we treat our bodies nicely don't we. We have KALE CRISPS'

I probably performed a bit when my son was very little. I didn't look around for approval though. I was quite a young mum and I looked very young so I felt judged a lot. I felt like I had to prove I wasn't a shit mum.

Yep. Playing 'Who Can Sing The Most Verses Of The Wheels On The Bus The Loudest' in the waiting room of a GP surgery is slightly trying .

I always cringe a bit when I read these threads and wonder if people are writing about me The problem is I am naturally quite a loud and theatrical person so people probably think I'm trying to perform to them rather than thinking that I have simply failed to tone it down in public. I am like this with my kids at home or on our own so I do have to actively try and quieten it all down when other people are around. I know it's irritating and annoying but I do think a lot of it is essentially just normal parenting at a louder than ideal volume.

It’s the performance part people wilfully misunderstand. If it’s clearly being done not for the child but for the dubious benefit of those around it’s performance parenting.

It’s the difference between the woman on the tain saying “let’s count those sheep, can you sing baa baa black sheep?” and the women saying “can you count those sheep in mandarin? You’re doing so well in your mandarin class aren’t you? Do you remember that delicious organic salt marsh lamb we had at the restaurant, the one where you decided you liked olives better than chocolate? You can play baa baa black sheep on the violin, can’t you?”

There seems to be a lot of judgment going in behind the performance parenting.
That learning mandarin or to pay the violin when you are 3 or 4 isn’t the done thing and therefor is only there to ‘look good’.

Or that loud has to be because you want to be noticed.

The example of singing the wheels on the bus for example isn’t performance parenting. It’s annoying but not performance parenting the way the OP describes.

The people who claim not to recognise the phenomenon of performance parenting are the ones doing it!

"Look Octavia, there's a painting! It's by Miro. Can you say Miro? Miro was from Spain and he was A CUBIST. Can you say Cubist? How do we spell cubist, Octavia? Clever girl! Now, what do you think Miro is trying to tell is with this painting?"

All the while, Octavia would rather be on the swings with her friends.

No, it’s not because it’s not the done thing, it’s shoehorning these facts into a running monologue so people can be aware that your child does these things which makes it performance parenting.

I think performance parenting in real life is fairly obvious but it can be harder to tell on threads.

I’ve certainly seen threads deriding someone for performance parenting when doing what I considered completely normal activities.

Someone can be singing the wheels on the bus in Mandarin whilst simultaneous teaching their child to calculate 1.19kg of courgettes at £1.72 a kilo and I don't care.

What is Performance Parenting is when they look around at other people for approval .

Itis bloody annoying when it's so obviously put on, but there is a fine line. For example I'm used to being with my 4 month old who is babbling so I talk back at him, or he likes looking at pictures in magazines so I tell him what each thing is. I do it at home so it's just natural but I worry people think I just sound mad! I've also been doing baby signing so I get a few odd looks for that. I've noticed it's particularly prominent in people who are on their phones though, who are engrossed in the screen but feel they should utter a few words as to not appear to be ignoring their child.

I have a small relation who does Performance Childing.

How does that work Bertrand?

Tbqh a lot of people on here love to wilfully misunderstand something in order to be offended or get a dig in at the OP. Add in , or and a side order of something snide like "you sound awful" or "I pity your children".

Eyeroll at em and be done with it, it isn't worth your time.

I love performance parenting. When I was in Disneyland Paris one father was performance parenting his children at the buffet so loudly and enthusiastically he didn’t notice the toddler hightail it out the dining room in a desperate bid to get to Donald Duck. When I pointed this out to him he stood their ineffectually holding plates and looking bewildered. Literally lacked the capacity to put plates down, yell older child to stay put and regain youngest child. I handed our plates to my 8 year old and legged it after said toddler, picked her up and returned her to her father.

Much to our amusement the subsequent night performance father was left at the table with the children whilst Mum and (I think) Grandma got the food

If it's all about intent, then surely there's plenty of potential for any bystander to misjudge it?

I think I've only once seen this happening and felt 100% sure that it was for the audience rather than for the child.

Maybe they/probably me/we are just trying to distract them so they don't have an epic Mariah Carey meltdown. It's easier to 'announce' the shopping items going in to the trolley than wheeling around a banshee who is bored out of their minds. I've found myself singing 'recycle, recycle, recycle' (Peppa Pig). Yes, I sound like a twat but it makes him smile. Thanks for introducing me to Performance Parenting. I had no idea.

PP to me is anything said to child in booming voice so as to attract others' attention, so sadly it's really not about engaging the child at all. Im ready for it if I'm on train, I just immediately put earphones in and tune into music so I don't have to hear the loud running commentary about some fact, grammar, story being read over-loudly, oooh you're so clever etc. Or if I'm trying to read a book I change seats if possible.

I tend to think parent like that doesn't have anyone to talk to other than their child, hence attention need. Or maybe they're a born show off, I don't know.

Either way loud people don't suit my spirit so I'll just skip the performance thanks.

Agree it's the searching around for an audience that makes it performance parenting.

You can tell the performance parented child by the sad and beaten down look in their eyes. You can bet your bottom dollar that at home they are ignored, interrupted only to be shouted at and belittled.

Not the same as simply interacting with your child in public, which would be simply parenting! Parenting doesn't need an audience!