Why do people not "get" the term 'Performance Parenting'?

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every so often a thread will appear about performance Parenting, and you ALWAYS get user WILFULLY misinterpreting the meaning.

So, let's say I posted:
I was at the park today and a Father was PPing talking very loudly in a carrying voice to his boy. "OH HENRY!! Look at that! What animal is that? a Dog? can you say dog?"
The child glances over and says "dog"
father replies "Yes DARLING. A Doooog. a doggy dog. He says woof woof. You're so clever"
And the father then proceeds to look around for approval about how very clever his child is and what a fabulous father he is.

It's clear "performance parenting" (and it's fucking annoying)

So, when people post these kind of scenarios, the issue is not the parent talking to the child. But the issue is, the parent making a "performance" of speaking to the child. Looking for approval, knowing smiles, admiring looks and the like.

However...you will always get a stream of posters going:
"Well, I don' see the problem in talking to your child.. jeez OP, I pity you"

"The father was only teaching his child about the dog. Should we all sit in silence and never speak to our children in public?"

"I do this all the time and I'm not PP. I just love my child more than you do"

"uh, it's called Parenting. I teach my child things all the time"

I don't get how so many MNers can't differentiate between parenting and Performance Parenting.

I’m with you OP. Those threads always seem to attract defensive people wilfully misunderstanding the point

Performance parenting is obvious if you see it.

It’s not the same as me loudly trying to engage my speech delayed 3yo in conversation in public, so you’re not going to find me getting defensive about the way I parent in public

On the opposite end though, I was at a playground last week. There was a dad there who looked such brilliant fun, acting daft and playing brilliant games with his daughter. He hadn't a clue anyone ride was there, he was merely a great dad with a lucky daughter.

That's lovely Oobis. 😀

Bumpitybumper

Maybe I do sound harsh but sorry, I can't take anyone being loud around me and it doesn't make a shred of difference to me that it's a parent.

I often feel a bit sorry for the child who can barely get a word in, or enjoy book as parent insists on foghorning every line with barely breathing space in between.

Someone plonking themself down next to me then bellowing into their mobile phone elicits same thoughts eg why would I be interested in their noise?

I'm a parent too. I'm not introverted neither an especially quiet person. Striking up a conversation with someone, they doing same with me, no problem.

Performance parenting or telephoning, whatever..people can do as they please. That's fine. My choice is not to be part of the assumed captive audience. Way too much noise for me. It really is as simple as that.

PP is in the eye of the beholder. It was insinuated by a stranger this week that I was doing that. I really wasn’t. I have three children which includes 2 year old twins and of course I do the running commentary on daily life - that’s how kids learn about the world. I also speak loudly sometimes because we have an open plan living/dining/kitchen area and noisy children to talk to/over all the time. That or we’re in a park where I’m yelling across a field for someone to come back.

In this case we were at the zoo and DS was down one end of the viewing window and I was up the other so I was talking to him loud enough for him to hear me and talking to my DTs about at the same time. I was just talking about what the gibbon was eating, what would it do next etc. That’s just parenting, yet this woman (who clearly wasn’t a mother anyway) made a snarky comment about me running a commentary. Well duh, what are parents supposed to do at the zoo? Ignore their kids in case some moron might suspect PP?

There’s always some bitter and inadequate person who can’t stand to see other people maybe doing life better than them (see thread about mum hugging her kids at school pick up). Give me a dad who is proud of his son and looks around to share that pride over some loser who cares more about what complete strangers think any day.

When did people start competing with complete strangers anyway. Do they have so little going on in their own lives/heads?

Well aren't you doing the same, OP? Performance Posting? Looking around for approval?...

Get on with your day, have a little inward shudder if you must but if you post a thread about it, it just makes you look like a tit.

It’s not the same as me loudly trying to engage my speech delayed 3yo in conversation in public, so you’re not going to find me getting defensive about the way I parent in public

No, but if half the people on here saw you doing it they would assume it was PP. Keep an eye out for a thread about you. 😂

Why can't you (general) move away from people you think are 'performance parenting'? Is it impossible for you to just go somewhere else and get on with your day?

Or would that interfere with your ability to hear and note all the particulars of the conversation so that you can rush off to post them here?

I've never heard of such pathetic adults. I bet half of the 'forum complainers' don't say boo to a goose, they save up the bile for Mumsnet. Grow up.

... and if it bothers you that somebody looks around for validation, you're free not to give it. Just ignore them if it irks you so.

I don't get how so many MNers can't differentiate between parenting and Performance Parenting

I don't get how you think you can differentiate, and why you are such a dick about what other people do.
"Performance parenting" is just MN'ers being dickish about other parents. That's all. If you don't like it maybe it says something about you, not them?

Features of performance parenting that need to be present together:
Loud enough to carry intrusively over the activity of surrounding people.
Content pitched at a level beyond what would reasonably be expected of the child or aspirational with it's depth of detail.
Child not engaging with parent because the pitch of the content is not appropriate or they are just fed up.
Awareness of the audience, usually with smug factor.

Those features in isolation are just parenting. So a detailed discussion with a small child at a regular volume is not performance parenting, it is regular, getting on with your day parenting.

at Performance Posting

No, but if half the people on here saw you doing it they would assume it was PP. Keep an eye out for a thread about you

I don’t give a shite what people might think. What I said was, I’m never going to get defensive on a performance parenting thread and talk about my speech delayed son to justify the manner in which I speak to him.

The majority of people posting defensive/butthurt comments on PP threads have no need to be defensive, because they aren’t PPing 🤷‍♀️

The term is too subjective.
I talk to my ds all of the time when we are out and about. The volume might vary.
I don’t care what anyone else thinks. I don’t really care what anyone else does.
But to some perhaps I do performance parent, as by their standards they may ignore their child/palm them off to babysitters/childcare at the earliest opportunity.
They may simply regard normal parenting and interaction as ‘try hard’ ‘look at me’ performance parenting.

If there are individuals interacting with their dc extra loud, for approval from others, then that’s sad that they need that validation.
So instead of performance parenting, why don’t we think them as insecure parents who are probably slightly annoying, and then be glad that we aren’t them, and get on with our day.

Performance Parenting is showing off.

Parents can engage with their DC as much as they like and as loudly as they like without showing off.

A monologue for an audience to demonstrate that someone is (in their eyes) a considerably better parent than yow is PP.

A) look at that flower.... can you remember the name of it whilst speaking to child = parenting.

B) look at that flower... it's just like the one at our house in France isn't it? Shall we have mussels for tea because you liked them when we had them in Spain didn't you? Delivered at volume while looking sideways to see who is watching = PP.

I say that as the parent of a child with a primary language disorder, I have to loudly draw his attention to things all the time and require him to repeat them. The difference between me and them is not only of intent, but the fact that my child is clearly BEHIND typical development so the showing off accusation is not applicable . I also tend not to look around for approving glances and proof of my child's genius

Thank you HumphreyCobblers for already saying what I wanted to say, only better

Intent is the thing. If you aren’t trying to show off, you aren’t performance parenting.

Performance Parenting is showing off

Assuming that anyone is showing off or even slightly interested in you as a spectator is incredibly narcissistic.

Buttered exactly.

I reserve my right to walk off rather than stay in earshot of all that, I'm uninterested. But seems from thread parts that even that's a problem.

Reminds me of God Bods who act a bit indignant if you don't stand there listening to them waffling on, because theyve said "just give me 2 minutes of your time" and decide that means you must comply.

No Thanks.

Well lots of people just can’t discerne what they are looking at when it’s right under their nose.

My DC1 was a space fiend and knew so much when he was young. For example he knew the 4 Galilean moons of Jupiter aged 2.5 and used to say things as we walked down the road like "mummy which moon is bigger Ganymede or Callisto?"

I used to die with shame!!

Thankfully he learned some more age appropriate stuff at preschool

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe, you seem unusually angry about the term ‘performance parenting’. It’s almost like you don’t believe it’s a thing, when many people have seen it happen. There are show-offs in this world, and there are parents who like to draw attention to themselves/their child. Why do you take issue with others pointing out what can be ridiculous and embarrassing behaviour? And no, you don’t have to engage in that sort of attention seeking, doesn’t mean people don’t notice it. The whole point is that they’re making such a show, you’re bound to see/hear it.

As for

"Performance parenting" is just MN'ers being dickish about other parents. That's all.

I said this yesterday and I’ll repeat it here. A genuine ‘performance parent’ is the one who is being a dick initially. ‘Look at meee, look at how hard I’m parenting, look at how clever my kid is, look how much more I love/hug/kiss my kids than you! We’re living life like it’s a film for you all to enjoy!’. It’s not jealousy, it’s not a feeling of inadequacy on my part thinking that. I would roll my eyes at anyone showing off in a similar manner, it doesn’t have to involve children. It comes down to no one likes a show off, whatever form it comes in.

"Performance parenting" is just MN'ers being dickish about other parents. That's all. If you don't like it maybe it says something about you, not them?

No, performance parenting is parents showing off and desperately looking for attention. They also think(some of them) that their child is far superior to other children.

I talk to my ds all of the time when we are out and about. The volume might vary.
I don’t care what anyone else thinks. I don’t really care what anyone else does

This is exactly the type of post OP is talking about. You very clearly don't want to understand what PP is.

Performance parenting is a thing. I was sat on the bus and a mum and child were sat on the other side to me. The woman sat and told a made up story about wizards and witches all with names, putting on these stupid voices at high volume for her son -and the rest of the bus -to hear. Of course it shows she's got imagination and she's showing interest in her child, but I just knew it was for other people's benefit as she kept looking round trying to catch people's eye. It was hugely embarrassing.

@2doubles my point is it’s subjective.