Why do people not "get" the term 'Performance Parenting'?

[00100001]

every so often a thread will appear about performance Parenting, and you ALWAYS get user WILFULLY misinterpreting the meaning.

So, let's say I posted:
I was at the park today and a Father was PPing talking very loudly in a carrying voice to his boy. "OH HENRY!! Look at that! What animal is that? a Dog? can you say dog?"
The child glances over and says "dog"
father replies "Yes DARLING. A Doooog. a doggy dog. He says woof woof. You're so clever"
And the father then proceeds to look around for approval about how very clever his child is and what a fabulous father he is.

It's clear "performance parenting" (and it's fucking annoying)

So, when people post these kind of scenarios, the issue is not the parent talking to the child. But the issue is, the parent making a "performance" of speaking to the child. Looking for approval, knowing smiles, admiring looks and the like.

However...you will always get a stream of posters going:
"Well, I don' see the problem in talking to your child.. jeez OP, I pity you"

"The father was only teaching his child about the dog. Should we all sit in silence and never speak to our children in public?"

"I do this all the time and I'm not PP. I just love my child more than you do"

"uh, it's called Parenting. I teach my child things all the time"

I don't get how so many MNers can't differentiate between parenting and Performance Parenting.

@MistressDeeCee
As a loud person, I do think you're being a bit harsh. I find very quiet and timid people difficult to understand as they are different to me but that doesn't mean I dislike them as a class or assume they're all boring or whatever other cliché people might associate with quieter people.

I think a lot of this comes down to misunderstanding each other. Loud people aren't necessarily parenting loudly in order to perform or because they're attention seeking, they may actually just be reverting to their natural way of being. This may be irritating and inappropriate but there is no need to assume that the whole thing has been put on for the benefit of the people around them.

I think I do accidental performance parenting.

E.g. I'll have DS in the trolley at the supermarket, he's starting to get a little ratty, so I start talking nonsense to him or singing or giving him kisses. Anything to shut him up. I then get paranoid that fellow shoppers will think I'm a moron so I'll probably have a look around. Am I a performance parent?

No! thats literally parenting, not performance parenting.

Some people wouod have hated our hOuse then.
Me and h have forever been explaining how things work to the dcs, going down the minutiae of the engineering, mechanics etc...

I’ve done the same thing with stories read in the train, looking at the window, reminding them of xx program and did they think that it was the same etc etc.

As fa concerned it wasn’t performance parenting because I’ve never done it to show off. But because 1- these were areas I knew well (think chemistry and biology) and 2- because I believe that children can understand much more than they let out.
H did it because he is in the spectrum, mechanics is his thing so wouod go on and on about steam engine, the engineering if a car engine etc...

The result is that we have two dcs who are teenagers who are knowledgeable about stuff people wouod have no idea about.
But according to this thread, I and H were probably performance parenting because we were talking about things that were so complicated or unusual or weird.

No getting on and doing your thing is parenting.

In Disneyland’s dad he was saying things like “oh look David, Oysters, you thought they were yummy in Brittany. And they have Asparagus you have that at home when daddy does it with hollandaise”. That’s performance parenting. Especially as David was making a desperate grab for the chicken nuggets and mickey mouse potato shapes.

I still can see the issue with a parent tryingnto attract their child attention to more unusual things and remind them that actually they know some of them well.
Whilst said child is still attracted to the crap of fish fingers mouse shaped potatoes.
It’s not because the child is attracted by that that he isnt happily eating asparagus at home.
Or that he didn’t like oysters when he tried them a year ago.

Both my dcs have done that.

Dc2 in particular is keen on only taking things he knows when we are away. Talking to him like this, reminding him that he likes x or he tried y is helping him trying new things rather than getting stuck on cucumber, pasta, chicken nuggets etc...

Sorry it is
I still cant see the issue with talking to a child like this.

But you’d be actually talking to your child then, not running a monologue oblivious to their actions.

I've not come across this but if I did with someone I knew well I'd find it embarrassing and would say, "You could be a bit quieter". Most of us explain things to our children and give them encouragement but we don't make a show of it.

I remember overhearing a mum saying "oh Eva stop showing off!" as her four month old wobbily sat unaided at a stay and play.

I think that’s so much worse Talith
How to destroy any wish to try and do things in a child.

To be clear she was doing it in a gushy beaming look over here at my baby precociously sitting unaided way, certainly not chiding the child

Same child was apparent "very independent" meaning she would stare at some toys without needing her mother to point at them.

Whenever I used to talk to DS2 going round Sainsbury's when he was a baby, I used to get stared at. Did they think I was performance parenting? "Right, DS2, now we need to get some birdy bread."

Phil Ah but what volume and how many approving faces did you seek?

Meh performance parenting. I don’t get what’s so wrong about it. I love seeing parents animated, playing and teaching their kids. Better than the opposite of this.

There's a difference between repeating and phrasing clearly something to a child with a speech and language problem (I've got one myself) and doing the "OH LOOK TARQUIN THERE'S A CHINCHILLA... NOW YOU CAN SPELL CHINCHILLA CAN'T YOU BECAUSE WE READ ALL ABOUT THEM IN YOUR ANIMAL ENCYCLOPAEDIA!" routine interspersed with looks around desperately seeking eye contact to validate your parental awesomeness.

People on here love to pretend to misunderstand things to have an argument and derail threads for umpteen pages though.

I think it's the intended audience that makes the distinction - intended directly at the child = not performance parenting versus intended to be noticed by everyone else and approved of with the child almost as a side effect of this = performance parenting.

@HermioneGoesBackHome

Talking to your child is not the issue here, it’s the parent scanning passers by to check that all have noticed how amazing the child is.

It’s a parent who is putting on a performance as though they have an audience not one who is chatting to their child.

That’s why it’s called Performance Parenting

I have been guilty of PP in the past, but only to get a laugh from said audience. Such as the Father Ted inspired "small, far away" discussion about aeroplanes one time.
I do recall one time hearing the sniggers from an adjoining shower cubicle after swimming when DS asked where my willy was at the top of his toddler voice, followed by questions about my "like a willy".

Probably quite loudly as I'm a bit deaf , and definitely not seeking any approving faces.

Isn't talking to your baby how you teach them to talk?

"Isn't talking to your baby how you teach them to talk?"

yes. but that isn't the point of PP

I think some people write off other parents as looking round for approval when in fact the parent is desperately looking round for an adult who might provide a brief respite of grown-up conversation or at least smile and reassure you you aren't going mad with the bonkers things you're reduced to saying. I certainly did and loved those (usually retirement age) who would join in the conversation.

Because one persons performance parenting is another persons engaging with their child. Personally, I’ve never seen (or judged it to be) performance parenting but I see quite a lot of the second. Or at least, that’s how I judge it.

If you’ve never witnessed what you call Perfoamnce Parenting then posts about it do come across as being incredibly snide. Coupled with a prevailing MN attitude that every women should just be able to squeeze out a baby, ‘just pop it in a sling’ and then carry on as if nothing out of the ordinary has happened at all, these threads really do look awful.

I had a bit of a pp today. Parent tells my DC hers wants to race as he runs along. My DC not bothered and tired so keeps walking with me. When we get to shop parent says 'You won!! Good boy!!' Child cheers for himself. Wtf

No, Binary, but I get the impression that people either thought I was crazy for talking to a pre-verbal baby, or that I was performance parenting.

But according to this thread, I and H were probably performance parenting because we were talking about things that were so complicated or unusual or weird

That’s not performance parenting Hermione and lots of us talk to our kids about complicated or unusual subjects.

Performance Parenting is deliberately projecting your voice so that everyone around can hear your discussion with your child. The difference is quite obvious if you ever have an opportunity to witness it.

The last time I saw it was at the starting line of a children’s cycle race. The mother said loudly “Be kind to the other children when you win darling they aren’t trained triathletes like you and they won’t have your technique. This is just a training run for you.” There was much twinkly laughing from the mother and smirking from the kid.

DH and I heroically resisted any smugness when our son came in 2nd to her kid’s 6th.