Not cut out to be a mum

[voxnihili]

DD is not even a month old. She was so wanted after a struggle to conceive and a miscarriage. I’m mid thirties and have worked so hard over the last 13 years to establish my career and got to a point where having a baby wouldn’t harm it.

I feel so isolated. I feel terrible typing this but I miss work. It’s just me and DD all day. She cries a lot and I can’t settle her - I’ve never felt so incompetent. I’m too nervous to take her out as both times I’ve taken her out she’s cried and I couldn’t settle her and I just felt like everyone was watching. No one wants to listen to a screaming baby while they’re trying to relax with a coffee.

I love her to pieces but I feel like I’m on tenterhooks all day waiting for her to wake up because I know I won’t be able to stop her crying. I ended up in tears both times I was out and am now sat on the sofa in tears holding her because she’s awake and I’m scared it’s going to be another day of me trying to settle her and failing.

I feel like there’s nowhere to turn. I’m embarrassed about how I feel. To the outside world we have a perfect life - supportive partner, financially secure etc. I just feel so trapped.

Have you spoken to your health visitor?
Please be kind to yourself, your hormones take a few weeks to settle and newborns make zero allowances for their mums exhaustion and recovery from pregnancy and birth.
I'm no expert and I'm sure others with great advice will comment but I wanted to say that you are doing a great job by caring and trying.
Try not to put such pressure on yourself, it's very early days

Don't be embarrassed.
I was exactly like this, the first few weeks are shit and no one ever tells you that! I felt like a failure but actually we've all been there.
You're clearly a good mum because you're writing this so you care.
Find your local childrens centre to get her weighed and meet other mums who are in the same boat.
Talk to your health visitor or GP (my health visitor was crap) as you can get help if you're suffering from post natal depression.

Do try to go to some baby groups - you will get support, someone always offers to hold a crying baby! Also, you will see a crying baby is quite normal. Have you tried a sling? (Standard response, sorry!)

This is all new to you so it's natural to feel overwhelmed. As the saying goes they don't come with an instruction book!

Ask for help and take things at your own pace. Stick to small trips round the block maybe not out to a coffee shop. Even learning how to collapse the buggy can take weeks to master.

It'll come and your confidence will increase in time x

Op, woman to woman here, having a baby is like a bomb going off. Nothing looks the same after and everything seems harder. It takes months to adapt. Don't worry about her crying. Most people have had babies so will only feel wistfully nostalgic when they hear your baby crying.

The first 4 months are hell on earth. Babies do get easier and he older they get the more they give back.by 6 weeks your baby will start smiling and you start getting something back from them and I found this much easier.

I think motherhood is more difficult for educated, professionals in their 30s because you are used to being to knowing what to do and being in control. The thing with babies is even more most knowledgable person does not know your baby and little babies can cry just because the world is so scary.

Don’t put pressure on yourself to do loads but do ring your HV today and say you are struggling.

Thanks for the replies. I have a sling but can’t wear it for long (I have back and hip issues). It does sometimes settle her. I’ve tried taking her out for short walks which has been fine as she’ll sleep. The coffee shops was to meet my friends from my NCT group. If I don’t go I won’t see anyone. They all seemed so relaxed with their babies.

I’ve signed up to start a group next week as everything is termly round here and I didn’t want to have nothing planned until January. I was really looking forward to it but I’m dreading it now.

I’d give anything to be at work right now.

Oh sweetie, don't feel you're in the slightest odd or wrong or failing. Babies cry, they just do. The first weeks are bewildering, frightening, and such a shock after being in a friendly busy workplace .

I remember every day felt like some huge significant part of the baby's life and beat myself up for not being exciting and achieving and stimulating enough. Looking back down the other end of the time telescope I can see how out of proportion that was. But man it was hard being in it.

Be kind to yourself. Big hugs.

Absolutely echo the be kind to yourself! I felt exactly like you with my first DC and after similar struggles. In hindsight I wonder if I was so on edge because I was so in a state of alert and stress whilst trying to get pg and stay pg that my reserves of resilience were at rock bottom by the time my DC arrived and I thought that because he was so longed for I would/should just be happy no matter what!

But newborns are hard work, it's can be very isolating and boring and completely agree about the making you feel incompetent. I was used to the work-life ethic of equation 'hard slog = results' but with babies you're hard slogging, but sometimes what feels like no end. It won't last though....just as you're tearing your hair out they go and change, and just as you're too scared to go out (me too!) it will slowly and surely get better.

Would be good to talk to your health visitor to see if there's any NHS postnatal groups (or if you're part of a NCT group) as talking with people who are going through the same stage as you can be really helpful. You're not alone....even though I know it can feel that way. Or an online support via MN or elsewhere!

It's such early days don't be so hard on yourself. I guarantee you there are plenty of other new mums feeling exactly the same as you. Just take each day at a time and things will get easier. Having a new baby is a monumental thing and it sounds like you're an extremely competent professional person so it's not surprise that suddenly having a newborn has pushed you out of your comfort zone. Do not worry and know that you are not alone in feeling like this. You are doing a great job whatever you might think xx

I hadn't even been home from the hospital with dd1 for an hour before I was crying down the phone to my mum that I'd changed my mind and I didn't want her any more. Needless to say, that wore off!

It's totally, TOTALLY normal to feel like this. It's just a new normal.

Things WILL calm down and your life will get back on an even keel. Just hang in there and remember you're not on your own.

I could have written your post a year ago. I instantly wanted to go back to work as my DD cried non stop and wouldn't settle ever, never slept and it was just pure hell. I didn't enjoy a single second until she was 7 months when she gradually got better and now I adore time with her.
I still love my time at work with adult conversation but I look forward to my days with her so much.

Maybe try and speak to your HV or local children's centre, I found them brilliant. And I know that fear and dread that they'll cry whenever you're out- I promise after the trip you'll be glad you went even if they scream the whole time. Crying sounds less intense outside than in! And I promise it sounds much louder and worse to you than anyone else.

How open was the conversation in the NCT group? Did anyone admit to having feelings of struggling or concerns? If not, it is not going to be a supportive group. If it's just fakeness and competitiveness then no wonder you are feeling lonely and desperate. In my NCT group I actually cracked it open in terms of admitting how bloody hard I was finding it. One other was relieved and joined in. Then gradually some of the others opened up more as time went on. We had 2 who were just perfect mums with perfect babies but I could see they just didn't have the personality type to talk openly. I am glad I took the risk of baring my soul but if it hadn't have chimed with anyone else I would have come away feeling even worse that's for sure!

Anyway that was a bit waffly but hope it makes sense. There is nothing to be gained from pretending you're fine when you're not. It is so good to talk to other mums at the same stage and just let it all out.

I also spent a lot of time on mumsnet reading OPs who were struggling with similar things to me.

I think you need to give yourself grace to get to know your baby and get to know yourself as a mum. Discover your parenting style and what works for you. There are a lot of things I decided before DS arrived that became obviously inappropriate for the combo of me plus him! It is hard when you're used to making a plan and seeing it through come hell or high water. My number one rule is "chill". At the newborn stage there is very little except the basic needs of feed, change, sleep, cuddles/skin to skin. You are enough for your baby and you are doing a fabulous job.

Oh bless you, honestly so many people feel exactly as you do. They don't always admit it! I don't mind admitting that I was exactly the same even to the point of not wanting to go out.

Your gorgeous daughter is still very new as is the entire experience of being a mother. I promise this feeling will pass, it really will so don't be hard on yourself.

Rest as much as you can (when she does go to sleep), put no pressure on yourself and if any help is available, take it.

In years gone by new mothers had at least a month of doing very little, well supported of course. Even now some hire a maternity nurse for a month or so while they recuperate. So giving yourself a bit of TLC is not unreasonable. Most important though is for you to know that most of us feel at least some of what you do and it does get easier.

You mentioned the other mums at your group looking relaxed with their babies. Beware of comparing yourself to them because they may be floating around like swans but paddling like mad under the water. Perhaps it’s just all going on behind the scenes. I can remember putting hours of preparation into leaving the house in order to look reasonably composed and competent when the reality was I felt totally overwhelmed, exhausted and like life was complete chaos. Lots of practise improves things, but I would definitely recommend calling your health visitor today for some back-up.

As an aside, I found cranial osteopathy brilliant for calming my DS. It’s often helpful for colic, apparently. Might be worth a go.

You've just had a baby which sends you crazy for a while and you're 'grieving' for pre-baby life while probably having less sleep than you've ever had in your life and nobody around to moan to in the staffroom/kitchen or whatever, you will be crying more than she is!

It is hard, it will get better, but you need to deal with right now. You will find her cry more distressing than other people will - you're her mother, her cry is only for you and you respond to it, other people can block it out. Go out, go to all of the baby groups that you can and talk to people that you wouldn't usually have things in common with - you do now that you have a baby. They might not be lifelong friends but it's the same with your colleagues at work - they're sharing a bit of your life right now so crack on and make the most of it.

Your health visitor or midwife or gp surgery are there to help you - you are not alone, you may feel like it right at this moment, but there are 1000's of you right now alone in houses across the country, you just need to find each other. Could you invite the NCT group to your house? Or just a couple of them that live closest?

Its so early to be feeling...stable. Routines are still being worked out, you are only now learning how different living with a baby 24/7 is. And hormones will be EVERYWHERE. My wife used to get upset at completely unpredictable things. The cat walked into the room once and that set her off.
My advice is be the best you can be. Follow your instincts. Sleep when baby sleeps. Get your partner to take baby out for the day and get a good long rest. Sleep deprivation can play havoc with the mind, and you having a rested mind is better for baby.

Information overload is a nightmare. You have family advising completely opposing ideas, and medical professionals advising other things. The professionals are the ones to listen to.

Don't turn down support (financial, physical or mental) out of pride. Take all the help you can get. You and baby are your priority. If You arent feeling so good about yourself, seek help. Vent to a friend or family member. Whatever helps.

But take solace in the fact that if baby is OK and getting fat, then baby is doing well. Their needs are few at one month. Food, sleep and contact. They dont become sentient (self aware) until 5 months or so, they live by instinct, so as long as belly is full, and you are there, babies are happy.

And as a followup to my previous point...only follow my advice if it lines up with medical professionals. This is just my personal experience from a fathers perspective.

I remember this feeling. 'WTF did I get us into this mess'. OP you are doing a great job. Honestly. Things will get better. Mine are big now, it gets a lot easier.

This too shall pass. I promise. It really will.

The first 6 weeks SUCK, in my experience. Nobody knows what they're doing, everybody's knackered and if people offer to help it's to do stuff with the baby rather than actually be useful & look after YOU.

You are cut out to be a mum. You just haven't finished your basic training yet. It's like when you started work. You didn't know all the stuff & couldn't do all the things. It came with practice and experience. This will too.

All the mums who look like they have their shit together? It's an illusion. Nobody has their shit together 24 hours a day. And if they say they do - lies!

It will get better. In the meantime, get one of those contigo travel mugs so at least you'll have a hot drink throughout the day.

And keep posting. Mumsnetters are lovely vipers really.

I also remember this feeling, it's really hard. The first six weeks are so so tough, but you are doing a fab job! Any parent who looks like they are all calm and sorted are almost certainly just good at appearing to be in control (they might not even realise it: I've been told before that I come across very calm and in to of things, and I'm usually not inside!!).

As a pp said, do ask your NCT group how they're finding things. I did using it WhatsApp group and it was really hard to press send, but then we got loads of 'us too' your responses and it was great to not feel alone.

Sending supportive hugs

Another vote for ‘this is normal and I promise it will get better’.

In the meantime...can you get out of the house every day. I had an October baby and wrapped up and went for a walk even in the rain. I also found that after about three months I could do a class at my gym and the crèche was wonderful (I found Pilates was good for me at that stage). Crying babies are normal (particularly really tiny ones) and some just are ‘higher needs’...but on the flip side one that’s more chilled in the day may not sleep or may not eat or may...

Do you have anyone who will be blisteringly honest about how they felt. My DSis rings me when her NCT Group gets competitive and we howl with laughter and agree that my gorgeous DN is completely normal.

If you do still feel bad talk to your GP...mine was extremely good when I had a bout of PND.

How has it gone today?

It was pretty awful. She cried most of the day, as did I. Thought I’d won this evening after settling her for bed with a story but half an hour later she was screaming again. She’s showing no signs of sleep now and I’m exhausted and just want to go to bed.

The baby stage is VERY isolating.

You are definitely not alone.

Hey, I felt like this too. Please go to GP and check the baby doesn't have a milk allergy or reflux that's upsetting her. I can promise you it gets better. She will stop crying all the time, she will smile and interact and you can go back to work when you're ready and get a nanny or use a nursery. This is temporary, it will get better x