Not cut out to be a mum

[voxnihili]

DD is not even a month old. She was so wanted after a struggle to conceive and a miscarriage. I’m mid thirties and have worked so hard over the last 13 years to establish my career and got to a point where having a baby wouldn’t harm it.

I feel so isolated. I feel terrible typing this but I miss work. It’s just me and DD all day. She cries a lot and I can’t settle her - I’ve never felt so incompetent. I’m too nervous to take her out as both times I’ve taken her out she’s cried and I couldn’t settle her and I just felt like everyone was watching. No one wants to listen to a screaming baby while they’re trying to relax with a coffee.

I love her to pieces but I feel like I’m on tenterhooks all day waiting for her to wake up because I know I won’t be able to stop her crying. I ended up in tears both times I was out and am now sat on the sofa in tears holding her because she’s awake and I’m scared it’s going to be another day of me trying to settle her and failing.

I feel like there’s nowhere to turn. I’m embarrassed about how I feel. To the outside world we have a perfect life - supportive partner, financially secure etc. I just feel so trapped.

I haven’t read the full thread but another vote for you’re not alone! I still feel the same and my second is now 7 months.
It’s exhausting, relentless and you can’t believe how much a tiny baby can change your world. Sleep deprivation doesn’t help. If you haven’t already have a look at the fourth trimester - it gave me some comfort in some bleak times.
It does get better

Shit, sorry op wrong thread!

Haven't read the full thread but can i please say that you and your baby are normal - all the feelings you describe are normal. It will get better I promise.

Some babies are much harder work than others. I've had 3 hard work babies and tbh people with easy babies won't really ever get it. So try your best not to compare. Do what you can to get through the day, one day not long from now you will look back at these days and marvel at how far you've come.

Hey op, having a baby is a trauma. You are doing great and this will not be your life forever. You will eat you back! My profile is similar to yours and when I had my first I kept thinking what a terrible mistake I’d made. Life had been easy for me, School a breeze, uni a breeze, great work opportunities. I have never really had to try hard at anything. Then cake motherhood. I prepared, red the books, paid 00’s for hypno bla bla courses. I was good. I had done my work. Really applied myself. Then Baby came. I have never tried so hard at anything in my life. For the first time in my life I could say I have given my all and still...it wAs shit. Hell actually. To the point where I googled adoption. I wanted out. I did my best, gave my all 24 hours a day and yet all he did was scream. It was hideous. I became ill and swore to never do it again. He is 6 now and the best thing that ever happens to me. It took me 6 years of therapy to do it again. And here I am with baby 2. He screams, I cry and google adoption and think what the fuck have I done. But then I drink a glass of wine look at my 6 yr old and think. It will pass.

You have got this. You are good. Life will get better.

Sorry for all typos. Typing one handed as rocking screaming refluxy baby number 2

“I do all the night feeds though as his job is potentially quite dangerous if tired.”

What job does he do? I realise that there are some jobs that are very demanding and dangerous, but not many are so dangerous that the person doing it must have 8+ hours of uninterrupted sleep every single night! A lot of women fall into the trap of thinking they have to do every single night waking just because their partner works. Well looking after a baby is also a demanding job and if you become so sleep deprived that you fall down the stairs while carrying the baby or feel drowsy while driving somewhere with the baby, that’s also dangerous isn’t it?

I’m not dispute that your partner needs his sleep, if you say so then he does. It’s just that you need sleep too.

Even if he must have 8 uninterrupted hours, he could sleep from 11pm to 7am, which means that you could sleep from 8-11pm... you won’t have an evening together for a while but needs must.

Alternatively if he could cope with one night waking perhaps he could do that, he would still get two decent chunks of sleep either side. That means you’ll get a longer stretch at one point during the night.

He could also give you a whole night off when he’s not working the next day.

I don't understand why everyone keeps saying for you to speak to your HV and GP. Have they actually ever received help from them? Mine have been completely useless and they either want to chuck pills at you and get rid asap or offer the same advice you can google.In my personal opinion the best help is if you can rope in people around you to help, rest and have as much support as possible. However let it be said that I found both of my maternity leaves to be completely heartbreaking as all of my 'friends' disappeared and ended up spending them completely alone without any support whatsoever. If you happen to not be surrounded by wankers like I am, please speak and ask for support. No wonder so many mums develop PND and struggle with mental health issues. It take a village to raise a child. All the best OP and feel free to PM me if you ever need to chat/rant.

Have you tried a dummy Op?

OP, this was me 2 years ago. I felt completely overwhelmed by a difficult baby (he screamed for at least 2 hours a day for months and they never found a cause, but he's a healthy 2 year old now). I felt inadequate and exhausted and stripped bare of my identity. I was 34 and had worked very hard in my career, which I felt naked without, and was so confused how easy some people found motherhood.

I do think there are unique challenges for first time mums in their 30s with a successful career. With challenges at work, you just work harder and longer and overcome them. It's different with a baby, to start with, what baby you get is completely outside of your control. Some babies sleep well, others wake every 20 mins screaming. Neither is a reflection on you or your mothering. And you can't make it better by trying harder.

It gets much easier. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise... one of my NCT friends recently posted on FB that she would take a newborn over a toddler any day. Perhaps her newborn, but certainly not mine! His tantrums are a breeze compared to those newborn months.

💐💐💐

It's so tough, you have my most heartfelt sympathy. It's been touching to read your op and responses. They reflect my experience with my first baby exactly. It's brought it all back for me with such clarity.

I would spend ages MN searching 'when will it get better'/'when do babies get easier'/'when will I enjoy having a baby'/'when will me baby stop crying' etc. I honestly think it's totally normal. It does get better, I promise. I was shit with babies and I still am (I'm on ML with no 3 at the mo). I get bored by them. I just wanted to push myself - at work, at the gym, at various qualification I was in the middle of, - but babies do not allow it. but it will get better, the baby will grow and you will be able to do these thing again (and perhaps with more motivation and richer life experience).

Toddlers are much more fun and easier to look after (but with more cleaning). Plus you will be back working🙂. I would second the advise about going a class (Pilates or similar) in the evening in a few weeks time, obvs if you feel physically up for it. Getting out the house baby-free will be a joy! Hang in there, it will get better.

The crying sounds worse to you because it is your baby and your hormones are programmed to respond. Other people won't notice it nearly so much because it isn't their baby.

Getting them out in the fresh air and daylight helps them to sort out their nights and days as well.

Newborns are a challenge - they make you feel inadequate, everything takes a ridiculous amount of time to do because you're all fingers and thumbs or the baby needs changing again.

Definitely chat to your health visitor - this is what they are there for. If you don't ask they will tend to assume everything is OK. If they know it's not they'll be able to help. .

The shock of the life change that is the arrival of your longed for baby is something nobody can prepare you for. Everything feels like it has been tipped upside down and then some, and you don't even feel like yourself.

I felt like this with my first baby. The crying drove me to tears, the lack of sleep, the social isolation and the stress of trying to learn everything all at once. The responsibility is huge as well.

It is early days and you are finding your way. Allow yourself to be with your baby quietly, look into her eyes, her eye lashes, her tiny hands. When you are not soothing her cries notice how much you mean to her already. There will be a time not so far away when you will want this time back again (No, I am not kidding!) even with the crying and exhaustion.

Do you drive? I could not take my baby out walking very far because she cried so much so I used to go out and drive and it gave my freedom and she would sleep soundly in the back. I put radio 4 on and would listen to other adults. I made myself go to the groups (the ones where the mothers would be honest about their struggles not the fake ones)

I would take her to the supermarket for 10 minutes max and buy myself flowers for managing another week. Listen to music that makes you feel good, when it is quiet run a bath and make the most of the time you have. This is a time for super charged self care. Book massages at the weekend and make sure your dh looks after dd for at least one afternoon a week and one night's solid sleep minumum so you can have a break.

Your baby will soon turn into a bonny, smiling happy little baby as they all do in a few months and it will be so much easier I promise. Hold tight.

I don't know how this would work with the back and hip issues but if there's any chance of being able to go for a walk in a natural setting each day (even if it involves catching a train, which your baby might like) do it. You need to feel the fresh air in your face and have your baby cries drowned out by the wind.

Reading your post is like stepping back in time with my first. He was very difficult and I really struggled. Then I had the same with my next two. You know what I learnt to settle a crabby baby..... swing chair. Have a look literally the best thing I ever did. It does pass. It does get easier. And if people stare when you go out and baby cries I find a swift middle finger usually makes them break stare

Hi OP, you are certainly not alone, and sound very similar to me!

Well established career, qualifications etc, in a job I loved. I found having a baby harder than anything I had ever done before. I really questioned my decision, and on more than one occasion just thought, ‘what the hell have we done?’ . I had none of the rush of love stuff that people talk about. I was diagnosed with PND, but even after that had settled, I still didn’t really ‘get it’.

I remember finding around the 4-6 week mark particularly difficult with crying etc. Using a swaddle, dummy and white noise really, really helped us. She still has a dummy and white noise now at 15 months- instant sleep!

Now we are in the early toddler phase, she is just pure magic. I feel like I have fallen in love with her over the past year, as she has grown and developed.

I found the newborn stage so hard, I am put off having any more children. If I could get them all at age one, I’d have loads!

Please be kind to yourself OP. Sending love.

To echo @sipperskipper white noise is a life saviour. Even just the Hoover going on and leaving it on used to settle my little one

I felt exactly the same. You may as well have given me a monkey, i knew nothing about babies.
It was a dark time and i block it out.
It got better at 3, even better at 5 now good at high school.
I'm not cut out for motherhood and shouldn't have done it really....i was c. Free until 33 then had an unplanned pregnancy.
Child is lovely.....but i haven't enjoyed it much and other mums ALWAYS Seem so laid back and loving it

I remember feeling just like you with my first. She was very unsettled. I think it would be fair to say that I didn't enjoy the small children stage much at all but like them much more now they're older.

Contrary to all the comments here, I would say baby and toddler groups made me feel a whole lot worse. Being around people I barely knew with this whole screaming , uncontrollable mass was probably the worst situation to be in, given my mental state. And I didn't feel comfortable opening up to many of them. Like you, I found people didn't have babies as unsettled as mine and I do believe that as my second was a dream newborn and my experience with him was totally different. I also found people a bit competitive or they displayed faux sympathy while still having no idea.

If I had a time machine, I'd have joined a group for pnd mums as, in hindsight, I think.I had that and would have avoided any situation where I'd feel flustered and get into more situations where baby was happy and cooing.

Maybe cafes and groups aren't her thing either? She might find the noise overstimulating. Personally, my dd liked lots of long walks in the pram where she got to move and look around herself and I found lots of people qould come and chat and interract with us.

Finally, as you're bottle feeding, could you go out maybe on a weekend, meet up with old friends and see a film or something so you still feel like you?

I haven't read the whole thread so someone may have asked this already but did you have an assisted birth at all? My SIL was convinced that her eldest was grumpy because his head was hurting after a ventouse delivery. He cried constantly for the first 3 months of life. Eventually after about 3 months he grew out of it and became more settled and a happier baby.
Some babies are much more unsettled than others and it can be that some mums won't understand what you are feeling because their child doesn't cry ALL the time.

Thanks again for all the messages.

DP works with heavy machinery so needs to be alert. He also does shift work so is often on nights. The plus side is that he is home early afternoon from work so while I do the night wakings, he will take her as soon as he is home so I can sleep for a few hours. I also know that if the night was awful, I can just wake him - he’s not someone who would complain about his sleep being broken.

We had a much better day today. I took her out for a walk and as she was asleep managed to get a drink before walking home. It feels so weird that the most I’ve achieved in a day is going for a walk without me ending up in tears.

I’ve booked an appointment with the GP. It’s not for 3 weeks but will give me a chance to settle a bit. It this is just a normal adjustment hopefully I’ll be ok by then, but if I’m still feeling awful I can get some help. My GP has been a great support throughout the fertility issues, miscarriage and pregnancy so hopefully I’ll be able to talk to her if I need to.

That's great news about today. Babies are such a huge life change it just takes time and things will get easier. Don't be hard on yourself.
The dummy is a great idea some people mentioned that I forgot about, they really help to settle them if they are crying lots. You have to keep shoving it back in until they get used to holding it in their mouths at first then you'll be prising it off them when they get bigger 😂 easier than removing a thumb I've found with my second child though 😐

I haven't read all the replies on here from other posters but I'm sure they've told you that a lot of what you're feeling is normal, babies are hard and if you can get a shower in the day and nothing else done that's good going.

My top tips for new mums is get outside in fresh air every single day and if it's raining then go to a drive through macdonald and get a coffee or go to a friends house. For your own sanity.
Get a dummy, they are amazing and so many different shapes to try, rub her cheek while it's in.
White noise anything
Vibrating baby bouncing chair
Be kind to yourself it's hard work and you're doing better than you realise

I can tell from what you've said that you've got a sling and they really are great and in a couple months you can get one you can do a back carry in and then you'll really be rolling ready to tackle anything.

She doesn't care what you read to her so make it something you're interested in

My GP has been awesome, I had PND, maybe get yourself checked, I felt just like you. I hated it, going to classes is all fine in theory, but talking about sore boobs and whether to use a dummy is boring. I missed my job, the world became so small. If you get prescribed drugs they can help to get you on an even keel.