Not cut out to be a mum

[voxnihili]

DD is not even a month old. She was so wanted after a struggle to conceive and a miscarriage. I’m mid thirties and have worked so hard over the last 13 years to establish my career and got to a point where having a baby wouldn’t harm it.

I feel so isolated. I feel terrible typing this but I miss work. It’s just me and DD all day. She cries a lot and I can’t settle her - I’ve never felt so incompetent. I’m too nervous to take her out as both times I’ve taken her out she’s cried and I couldn’t settle her and I just felt like everyone was watching. No one wants to listen to a screaming baby while they’re trying to relax with a coffee.

I love her to pieces but I feel like I’m on tenterhooks all day waiting for her to wake up because I know I won’t be able to stop her crying. I ended up in tears both times I was out and am now sat on the sofa in tears holding her because she’s awake and I’m scared it’s going to be another day of me trying to settle her and failing.

I feel like there’s nowhere to turn. I’m embarrassed about how I feel. To the outside world we have a perfect life - supportive partner, financially secure etc. I just feel so trapped.

I could have written this just a few weeks ago.
Turns out DS has silent reflux and it took a few weeks of finding the right medication to turn him into a happy baby - even the HV said there was a massive difference once we cracked it.
It does get easier, even if it doesn't seem like it now, but I'd speak to a doctor about the possibility of silent reflux (but also about how you are feeling)

Thank you for all the replies. Although being told I should be showing gratitude and love isn’t helpful - after fertility issues and the miscarriage I feel guilty as hell already for the way I feel.

DD is bottle fed as I couldn’t breastfeed. In some ways it’s great as I get a break - DP takes over as soon as he gets in which gives me a break to sleep or do something for me. I do all the night feeds though as his job is potentially quite dangerous if tired.

The birth was stressful due to a medical condition I have but I wouldn’t say it was traumatic. Some of the way I feel may be due to discovering the condition during pregnancy and probably not really processing it as I was so fixed on just getting her here safely. The problem is with my heart and a crying baby is doing nothing to help.

I will make an appointment if things don’t improve. I did wonder about reflux etc but she doesn’t seem bothered about being on her back once she’s settled and has some times when she’s ok - if there was a problem with the milk would she not be like this all the time?

Oh op, sorry you're feeling like this but honestly it's very normal.

Nobody is cut out to be a mum- until they are actually a mum! You're doing a great job and as long as your dd is thriving then she is happy. Babies cry. Mums cry. Dads cry.
It's her only way of communication so please don't take it to heart.

Babies don't come with a manual ( if only ) and it's a bloody shock to the system to put it mildly. The overwhelming feeling that life as you know it will never be the same and you have such a massive responsibility to this tiny person is scary and nobody really talks about that.

Being at home is safe. I love being at home now mine are much older ( 7 and 15 ) as they are able to entertain themselves more than a baby could but in the early days I think it's very important for you both to brave it and get out.
A good walk does wonders for my MH and if you really look around you will see tons of frazzled looking parents in the same boat.

When you do go back to work you will look back on these days with a mixture of joy and sadness and if you think of all of the people you know with more than one child, things must have improved in time or they wouldn't have gone through it all again!

Try and have a purpose for going out a set number of days each week to build your confidence. Grocery shopping/visiting family/even something as simple as posting a letter. Get out there and remember that you are cut out for this. You're doing it already. And you are the centre of your dd's world

This is so so normal OP.

I have 3 children and when my first was born I found it so overwhelming until she was about 5-6 months. Even just anticipating her crying made me a nervous wreck. I actually started feeling physical aches from the constant stress. DH seemed to just connect with her so easily, he wasn't stressed out about her crying and he was able to settle her easily. I felt like I was just the tired, grumpy, milk machine.

After a couple of months I figured out her routine and realised she slept for 3 hours in the morning and 1 in the afternoon. I knew what time she woke in the morning, what time she went to bed and how many times she was up in the night for feeds. When you know that nap time is coming it makes it so much easier to deal with the periods of crying and settling.

It gets easier, but it gets easier faster if you speak up about how you are feeling.

Oh OP, as another solid-career-before-baby person, I really feel for you! Don't know if this helps at all, but your baby crying bothers YOU a lot more than anybody else - it's hormonal + you're tired (so it's a lot more focussed as a "problem to fix"). I bet your DP is nowhere near as fussed about her crying. I don't want to belittle it, I remember how much it grates and how frustrated you can get when it's ongoing, but try to treat it as "that's just what they do" - I used to actually tell myself that out loud, especially at the witching hour (several) in the evening, when you know they are fed/clean and just overtired and need to sleep. Your "job" as a mum is not to keep DD quiet 100% of the time or at the "right" time (it's simply not possible, even the most chilled out babies cry!), so you are not failing as a mum if she starts to scream in a coffee shop. It just happens. Let yourself order or finish your coffee (or at least take 2 more sips) before attending to her. If you get used to that feeling of "ok, there she goes again, but she can wait a bit," you'll gradually feel less wound up about it. And if any twat anyone ever mentions to you that your baby is crying (as if you can't hear!!!) and/or that you should do x/y/z - I found that a breezy "thank you" and going on about your business as if they never said anything works really well.

I'm not sure if it gets better - it gets different: pre-toddlers moan from boredom and lack of mobility to entertain themselves, toddlers whine and throw tantrums, two-three year olds can't cope with "no" and need "later" for everything (and some blighters don't ever forget you said "later" either!), 4 year olds start pointless arguments.... you can't control it, you can't fix it, so just keep swimming and roll with the punches where needed. Unlike your career job, it's actually ok to not know what you're doing as a parent!

Please speak to your health visitor or doctor.

That feeling of dread is how PND started for me.

I personally don't think you should be showing anything. I am absolutely certain that you show and feel love and gratitude already. You are entitled to feel how you feel right now. You do not have to justify yourself for any of it. You've got this.

Try the S methods:
Swaddling
Suckling
Shooshing
Swinging
Side/stomach

I didn’t like swaddling , but a dummy and white noise were my saviours. I didn’t a lot of time in the early days with the white noise machine on and watching Netflix with subtitles!

Huge hugs. Agree with much of the previous posts. So many things about your post resonated with me too, and I think what you’re feeling is very normal. Having a baby after miscarriage and fertility issues doesn’t guarantee happiness - if anything the opposite and PND is more likely. I naively thought that because I wanted a baby so much, I’d be able to cope with all the worst bits, but it wasn’t like that at all! In fact, I had moments when I wished I’d never had a baby, and I was totally shocked by my feelings, and felt incredibly guilty.

It’s really early days too - I felt like I was living on a knife-edge for the first 12 weeks but it got so much better. I had a lot of unprocessed emotion due to the two miscarriages I had before my DD and it all came flooding out after she was born. In the first six weeks all I did was cry, watch Netflix, and cuddle and feed DD.

Be kind to yourself - it’s an incredibly tough and emotionally complex time. It will get easier, and if it doesn’t then there’s definitely help and support at hand.

I remember feeling like this is the first few weeks, I was given a book, I can't remember the name of it but it basically described how mums all over the world deal differently with their babies, and we in the West are the most removed from what is natural. Babies want their mums 24/7 it's a natural instinct, they don't want to be left in a cot on their own or left sleeping in a Moses basket in the lounge whilst you're in the kitchen. Once I accepted this I found life a lot easier. Also gave me a good reason to lie on the sofa with dd in my chest for hours watching tv 😁

Big big hugs OP and @scaredsection

OP - I also found out about serious health conditions in pregnancy, and like you it had taken us a very long time to get there which compounded the guilt. I feel you

I echo what many others have said.

What helped me:

• baby needed to be off dairy (that meant me too for us)
• going to all the drop-in groups I could like at the children's center
• a group called SMILE (supporting mum's living with emotions) were wonderful, would definitely recommend if you have something similar
• talking honestly with health visitor
• like a pp said "cracking open" the NCT group into the realms of brutal honesty!! There is not a chance that none of them feel like bursting into tears!!

Use your business like clever head to plan what you would have someone do if it wasn't you and drag yourself along with whatever that is. I know that might sound a bit crazy but it's the approach that got me the help I needed, and the earlier you seek it the better. YOU ARE NOT FAILING BY SEEKING HELP - quite the opposite, you are being super smart.

Oh and I think I read that you said your LO does like the sling OP? I have a connective tissue disorder with major joint issues and most slings killed me which was a major issue as I also can't push a pram. In the end the ergobaby 360 with the newborn insert worked for us and have heard similar from many with back/joint issues, maybe give it a try?

“if there was a problem with the milk would she not be like this all the time?”
Not necessarily, for more info on CMPA see www.allergyuk.org/information-and-advice/conditions-and-symptoms/469-cows-milk-allergy

Thanks again for all the messages.

Yes she likes the sling, I think because she’s on my chest (that’s her favourite position). I tried lots before the one I bought. As well as the back / hip issues I’m very small so lots didn’t fit me. I initially wanted the ergobaby but it’s far too wide for me and the shoulders didn’t stay on.

I’m going to ask my boss if there’s something that needs to be implemented in the future after I return that I could do some research into. Given the nature of work I’m pretty sure there will be something and it might help with my feelings surrounding losing my identity as a ‘career woman’. If not, I’ll look into a professional qualification or something I can work on. I think this is the thing I’ve struggled with most. As well as working full time, I’ve always studied alongside if. I started a 2nd masters degree a few years ago before we started TTC so maybe I could look into finishing it - I only stopped because I only needed the first year for my job and having a 2nd masters was pointless.

Last night was ok in the end. She screamed blue murder for about 3 hours before bed. DP went to bed (although told me to wake him I needed anything) as he has work. I put the TV on quietly as I find I’m more relaxed if my mind is on something other than her crying and she fell asleep on my chest within about 5 minutes. I left her for about an hour before transferring her to her crib.

As much as I want to stay indoors and not deal with her crying when we’re out I know by staying in it is going to make the problem ten times worse as I’ll just build it into something bigger. There is a Costa in town that is one of those open plan ones rather than an enclosed shop so it’s really noisy. I might try going there and sitting by the edge rather than right in the middle.

If I can suss getting out and about, and find something to focus on work wise I think I’ll be fine. I’m sure work won’t say no, I’d be offering my services for free - it’s a small price to pay for my sanity.

In terms of her crying I’ll soeak to the HV next week. I’m going to take her to get weighed next week so will speak to them then and see what they recommend. I’ll keep a note of her symptoms etc between now and then.

Thanks again.

Baby groups, under 12 months specifically. You aren't alone and you will see that at baby groups.
Also a month is tiny and very knew. Mine is 4 months and my third, yet I'm still only just starting to get out and about properly over the last few weeks.
It's normal it really is and it will pass.

New, not knew. Gawd

I could have written your post. That was me.

I haven't read the whole thread, but all I can say and I mean this sincerely, is that it gets better - SO much better.

I had so many feelings of regret, that I couldn't cope, my baby was also very unsettled and a crap sleeper.

Mine is now 4 and it's brilliant. I'm back at work, life is good.

It takes a while to get there but you will. You've got to play the long game here, which I know doesn't help in the short term.

Please be kind to yourself. It's very very early days. I'm guessing you're not sleeping much which will add to the general misery- I've been there and I promise it gets better.
Groups are good. My health visitor organised a "new parents" course which was great for meeting the other local mums- still friends five years later. Check with her if anything like that.

Check out the church Playgroups - although your baby is too young to "play" they're dead cheap, usually £1-£2 and you get to have a cup of tea and a biscuit and chat to others.

Try and get out every day even if it's just a short walk with the pram. Walks in the pram was the only way my eldest would settle in the early days so it benefitted us both.

And yes speak to your HV about how you're feeling.

Meant to add your daughter sounds like my eldest son. He was a nightmare baby. Never settled other than for short periods on my boob.

Anyway he turned out to become the most sweet natured calm 5 yo.

Younger son was the opposite. What I'm saying is what the baby is like right now will change enormously in the coming months.

Sympathies op. Having your first DC is like throwing a hand grenade into your life and takes a while to adjust. I found dc1 harder than my twins. It does get better.

OP I'm 8 weeks in and I just wanted to say that I really struggle to settle my baby too. I can walk round, jiggle, rock for hours and then I pass him to DH and he goes to sleep immediately! So don't worry - my baby hates me too

The only way I can get him to settle for me is to put him in a sling or baby carrier. I worry that I'm causing a sleep association, something that I was desperate not to do, but if he's screaming because he is overtired and nothing else works, I figure what else can I do! I'd recommend getting one that works because it will save your sanity and you might even be able to go to costa coffee and she will sleep through it!

I was too scared to leave the house in the first few weeks because my oldest liked a good cry, I thought everyone would be staring and angry that we are disturbing them. With hindsight I now realise that's not the case at all, it bothers very few people. And everyone's child cries in public at some point.

My health visitor knew of baby groups I could go to and meet other new mums, it completely changed my life going to them, It showed me I wasn't the only one feeling lonely and unsure of what I was doing. It took a few weeks for me to pluck up the courage to go and when I finally did I wished I had started sooner.

Pack up your things and just walk out the door to the coffee shop, try not think too much as you are getting ready. Even if you only sit for five minutes it's a huge step you have taken and you will feel proud of yourself for doing it.

Good luck, you won't always feel this way x

The only way I can get him to settle for me is to put him in a sling or baby carrier. I worry that I'm causing a sleep association*

Please don't worry about this, just do whatever gets your child to sleep. What works now won't necessarily work in 4 weeks time their sleeping habits change constantly

Have you tried a dummy? They can work wonders!

Really, go home and go to bed. Take some proper time off. How many weeks were you? So sorry.