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Not cut out to be a mum

98 replies

voxnihili · 05/09/2018 09:18

DD is not even a month old. She was so wanted after a struggle to conceive and a miscarriage. I’m mid thirties and have worked so hard over the last 13 years to establish my career and got to a point where having a baby wouldn’t harm it.

I feel so isolated. I feel terrible typing this but I miss work. It’s just me and DD all day. She cries a lot and I can’t settle her - I’ve never felt so incompetent. I’m too nervous to take her out as both times I’ve taken her out she’s cried and I couldn’t settle her and I just felt like everyone was watching. No one wants to listen to a screaming baby while they’re trying to relax with a coffee.

I love her to pieces but I feel like I’m on tenterhooks all day waiting for her to wake up because I know I won’t be able to stop her crying. I ended up in tears both times I was out and am now sat on the sofa in tears holding her because she’s awake and I’m scared it’s going to be another day of me trying to settle her and failing.

I feel like there’s nowhere to turn. I’m embarrassed about how I feel. To the outside world we have a perfect life - supportive partner, financially secure etc. I just feel so trapped.

OP posts:
Dontknowwhatimdoing · 05/09/2018 21:33

Is your DP there? Can he take her for a bit so you can get some sleep? Everything is so much harder when you are exhausted.

ItsLikeRainOnYourWeddingDay · 05/09/2018 21:36

Your NCT friends may look all happy and relaxed but I promise they are as fed up and knackered as you.

The first few months are shit. It's hard work. It's exhausting.

Confide in your hv or gp. They will admire your honesty and can provide guidance if needed.

I think you probably miss your work as well. I did. Terribly. It's so hard going from something you like and are good at to a screaming baby who no matter what you do won't settle down.

Wait4nothing · 05/09/2018 21:42

Oh OP it does get better. You are cut out for it - I certainly felt this way with my first and within after a few months really enjoyed my maternity leave.
Do - take each day as it comes, end each day thinking of the positives rather than the negatives, get out at least every other day, see people (even if she’s screaming!)
Don’t - think it’ll never end (it will!), be scared to ask for help (it’s the hardest job in the world), be scared to let her cry for 5 minutes while you shower/eat (happy baby/happy mummy)
Take each day as it comes, in a few short weeks it will seem easier

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SueDunome · 05/09/2018 21:43

I could have written your post when mine were small. They're now all but grown up and I promise you the new born stage is the hardest, because your body is still recovering from the pg and the shock of the birth and you have your beautiful baby who is relying on you for everything. It's so daunting and lonely, I'd echo everything others have said about going to baby or toddler groups where you will find help and realise you are not alone.
Also, ignore all those people are saying "it doesn't get any easier". It absolutely does, there will be new challenges but, once baby is sleeping and communicating, it is very different. I know that sounds a long way off now, but it really isn't. Just relax and enjoy your baby, get plenty of rest, but get out or maybe invite friends or NCT contacts to yours. They don't all have to come at once Smile
Good luck, the parenting adventure is amazing and I promise you you will never regret it.

thegreatbeyond · 05/09/2018 21:58

The first six weeks are very tough, OP. I'm the mother of three and every single time I had the weird, panicked feeling of "What have I done?"
It will be all right. You can talk with your doctor, and nobody at groups gives a shit if your baby is crying, everyone just gets on. Good luck, congratulations and keep posting if you need to!

NonJeNeRegretteRien · 05/09/2018 22:17

Don’t worry lovey. Remember this, POW are often subjected to sleep deprivation and the sound of babies crying. It’s in the SAS training. You’re hard as nails already going through this.

My baby screamed lots too. It wasn’t crying, it was screaming as if I was taking our her entrails.

You’re doing marvellous to leave the house already. Lots of people just stay in... probably rocking back and forth.

Can you get to a sling library and try out some different slings? Sounds like you need something very supportive. If she does have reflux holding her upright during her naps will be more comfortable for her. Alternatively prop her Moses basket up on one end by putting some books underneath (my HV’s advice).

Also, I have found a lot of new mums seem to have additional help (mums, dads, etc coming to stay) and these people clean, cook, look after the baby... of course they seem totally zen like! Good for them but if you’re doing it just you/you and your DP then high five yourself and be very proud.

It’s tough, it’s really tough but it will get better... also your memory of this time will be really fuzzy so in next to no time you’ll forget and want to do it all again Grin

BushyTailedPony · 05/09/2018 22:19

I'd echo what people are saying here. This feeling is normal. I remember crying along with my babies. Telling my second baby she was a mistake and I didn't want her. Looking at others and thinking they'd got it sussed.

It's an awful shock to suddenly be thrust into this role where you can't escape and you're alone with this screaming little person. It took me ages to come to terms with my new life as parent.

I got my husband to take the baby from about 9pm til as late as he could. Meant I got a stretch of sleep before the night wake ups and it really helped. My brother and sister in law helped too with this.

Another of my friends felt the way she could cope was she put her baby in nursery at 3 months when she went back to work. Her son is 8 now and thriving.

This might be you. I went back to work after 9 months and, after the initial 'shit what have I done' I did enjoy my time off. Do still enjoy getting away to work as well as time at home.

It'll be alright. You'll get there. Ask for help and support. Get out the house. Do bookbug, baby singing classes. Quiet Cafes and shops bring pressure to keep baby from crying. Our local church runs a baby group where the volunteers hug your baby so you have hands free to drink coffee or dry your eyes. Find something like that in your area. Good luck. You'll be fine xx

OoohSmooch · 05/09/2018 22:30

I promise you this...ever so slowly you will get used to your new life and you will start to like it and hopefully then love it.

You are only a month in, newborns are horrible little things (yes I said it). They are little dictators and you are trapped. But not for long. I pretty much hated my life when my baby was first born, I tried to get on with it (my NCT group probably thought I was totally fine!), I was breastfeeding too which on reflection I hated.

My DD is now 18 months and I love her so much and she is the best thing ever. Give me a crazy toddler any day over a newborn!

Don't be scared to go out, I went out everyday as it saved my sanity (as did introducing formula and doing a combi feed). I have only ever had a handful of days just me and her at home all day. I don't know how new mums do that.

A dummy was a lifesaver for my little one (after a few rejections anyway). She was a bit happier when she had that.

If my DD was moving (either in car or being pushed in pram) she wouldn't cry as much. You will find what works for you both.

You will be fine, your old life at work will all be waiting for you.

beclev24 · 05/09/2018 22:36

Oh this was me OP. It’s awful isn’t it? I’m now on DC3 and even with 2 other kids and a newborn NOTHING has been as hard as the shock of the first one. Hang in there, be kind to yourself. It get better slowly- then by a year or so it will be wonderful

MrsZB · 05/09/2018 22:39

This was me too. So much empathy for you.

It IS going to get better.

You need some supportive mum friends who are at a similar stage to you.

Hang in there. One day at a time.

BigBlueBubble · 05/09/2018 22:43

Six weeks into being a mum I cried hysterically and threatened to call social services and hand over my baby because I couldn’t cope. I was just exhausted and overwhelmed and needed a rest. Is there anyone who could take your baby for a while so you can relax? A grandparent or the baby’s father?

If you’re breastfeeding then feeding usually calms a baby immediately. DH gets better results from juggling baby up and down while he sings a familiar song. You will figure out what works for you.

The baby stage is isolating for pretty much everyone. Take any company you can get. Encourage grandparents etc to pop in. Sometimes I even go to a coffee shop on my own. Or for a long walk with the pram.

Motherhood101Fail · 05/09/2018 22:50

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NameChange30 · 05/09/2018 22:51

Oh OP Flowers

I am not sure how helpful it is for everyone to say this is normal. I had a really shit time with DS and it turned out he had some medical issues that went undetected at the beginning. It was much better when we identified the issues and although they couldn’t all be fixed immediately, we were able to start improving things. It was also a relief for me to know that there was a reason I wasn’t coping as well as other parents seemed to be coping, because my baby was struggling a bit more than the others.

OP, I don’t think it’s normal for your baby to be crying all the time. Please seek advice from different sources: health visitor, GP and (if you are breastfeeding) breastfeeding clinics and drop-ins. Obviously there could be various causes for the crying (or none at all) but some possible causes to consider and rule out include:

  • hunger due to feeding problems, could be caused by tongue tie or other issues
  • reflux or silent reflux
  • CMPA (cow’s milk protein allergy) - this would be more obvious if baby was formula fed but could also be an issue if breastfed, as cow’s milk protein passes through breastmilk
  • difficult birth could be causing physical discomfort (this is what an osteopath would identify and treat)

Hang on in there, having a baby is a massive shock to the system (I’m still not over it 18 months later!) but it does get easier, I promise!

Flowers
NameChange30 · 05/09/2018 22:53

PS I found maternity leave boring, and was much happier after I went back to work part-time when DS was 8 months old. I would consider going back sooner if I have a second. I enjoy my days with DS more now they are not 7 days a week!

Singlenotsingle · 05/09/2018 23:11

Babies seem to cry for no reason at all. It's a shame you can't use a sling, as that's what they really seem to like (comes from being inside you for nine months I suppose). I also used to take mine out in the car. That sent them off to sleep.

dustiseverywhere · 05/09/2018 23:23

Hi OP, I just want to share one thing that made both my kids settle when they were in screaming mode, which was one of those fisher price bouncer chairs for newborns that have music and crucially a vibration mode. Dunno why it worked but boy it really did. The first few months are shit plus you have to deal with feeling like you're worthless compared to being worth while in your office environment. Try to get to some baby and toddler groups and you'll meet some other mums who aren't all pretending like your NCT group are.

Bumblealong1 · 05/09/2018 23:32

Hi OP.
I’m a bit further along than you. I think you have had some great advice so far.
I’m breastfeeding and it is my only trick when he cries. Without that i’d be Lost. I’m not trying to make you feel bad if you aren’t breastfeeding, I’m just trying to say that I too might appear on the surface that I have it together, but I don’t.
Are you in london?
Do you have someone who can come to your place and venture out with you and provide that support?

BackforGood · 05/09/2018 23:46

Your baby isn't even a month old. Your expectations are far too high! Relax and take the pressure off yourself. Talk to your HV. Some babies just cry quite a lot more than others. Some sleep more than others though I never got one of those. Some people worry more than others and expect to be able to do far more than they need to.
Give it time. Accept any offers to look after the baby for a couple of hours whilst you sleep. Everything looks better when you have had some sleep.
Being exhausted and stressed less than a month in is not a judgement of your ability to be a Mum.
Some people love tiny babies, some of us come into our element when they get a bit older.

Frazzledkate · 05/09/2018 23:51

Oh, I really feel for you. I was 35 when I had my first and it wasn't what I expected at all. So so mind numbingly boring, and he cried alot like yours too. I can't lie, I didn't enjoy the first year at all, but it did gradually get easier, especially from about 5 months. I enjoyed it more with every new thing he could do. Sure you will too. I had two others after that (3 in 3 years!) but the hardest time by far was those first few month with just one. I hope that helps. It does get easier and you will love your lo so very much and have a cute little toddler soon. Hang in there x

KnitFastDieWarm · 06/09/2018 00:01

Oh love Flowers this takes me back to sitting in a Costa with DS aged about ten days with a sick hollow feeling in my chest and racing anxiety, genuinely wishing I could give him back and that I’d never had him. He’s nearly three now and a (stroppy) delight - I promise it gets much, much better. A few questions so we can try and help more:
How was your birth? Mine was physically and mentally traumatic and this adds a whole new level of stress to the newborn period.
Are you formula feeding or mixed feeding? If so hand baby over to partner/grandparent/friend and SLEEP for a bit. Then get yourself to the HV or GP and ask about potential cows milk protein allergy and/or reflux - both could be causing crying. Changing formula (or cutting dairy if you’re breastfeeding) may help, worth discussing).
I know going out is a bit terrifying but you must keep doing it - if you’re worried about crying annoying others (and sod em if it does, babies cry!) could you go for walks in the fresh air with the pram? That always made the crying seem less claustrophobia-inducing and the exercise and change of scene is good for your mood.
If you carry on feeling down, see your gp - postnatal depression is very common and treatable (in fact, i’d argue that anyone who ISN’T a tad depressed, anxious and overwhelmed after having a first baby is unusual - it’s like being hit by a truck).
Also - I promise you every other new mother you meet might seem serene but is paddling frantically under the surface to keep it all together Grin

KIMv · 06/09/2018 00:13

I'm so sorry- I've an 11 week old who cried constantly for the first 6 weeks.. but then slowly, gradually it got better.
I made myself bring her out from 3 weeks on for my own sanity:

  • for walks: you're not disturbing anyone
  • for coffee: always order a takeaway cup- worst case scenario if it gets bad you can always leave
Spanglyprincess1 · 06/09/2018 00:21

Op my baby is nine weeks and I feel exactly like this. Not in control and panicking people are judging. They really arnt I promise.
I went to my first baby group today and was crazy nervous. my baby was youngest there but everyone was lovely and said hello, wanted to.hold him regardless of grouching.
I really would say get out there if you can, the more and more you do.it the easier it gets. I couldn't get the pram in and out of car or.figure out the car seat but now I think nothing of popping out with baby. It's just practice.
Your going a great job! We all forget it, I've just cried for an hour as I'm feeling useless but it passes and it's mostly hormones. There is support for pnd so speak to people and acess it (although it takes a while as I've just found out).
Hope your ok X

NoMudNoLotus · 06/09/2018 00:46

Please focus on gratitude for her.

Wishing you were at work is dreadfully sad. She needs your love and she needs you to be strong.

scaredsection · 06/09/2018 01:43

I'm exactly where you are now OP, baby is nearly a month old and won't settle with or on me unless he is breastfeeding . I'm convinced he hates me and I'm scared to leave the house in case he cries. He also hates slings and being held by me (convinced
It's because we didn't get skin to skin I the hosp and we haven't bonded). He is crying currently in the cot next to me and I'm feeling awful and that I've made a big mistake. I have looked up symptoms of reflux and he does have quite a few such as lots of hiccups, projectile vomiting milk post feeds, very unsettled on his back etc I'm going to discuss with the HV tomorrow so it's something to consider. No advice but honestly you're not alone and although it was a hard post to write for you I'm glad you did as it's helped me to know someone feels the same as me. You are not a crap Mum you are just trying to get through a really alien and scary experience which doesn't always go to plan or follow certain rules / this is what I tell myself when he is puking at me st 3am and I'm in tears trying to get him back to sleep so that I can sleep...

hibeat · 06/09/2018 02:46

It's nesting time, you don't have to read her stories, as soon as she sleeps sleep. feed her well, change her, she might cry when you change, you are knackered, it's normal. Some babies don't sleep at all. You will get one hour at most, at a time. It's not the time for the queen of cooking and the cleaning diva, just take care of your body and hers. have meals delivered, and go drop dead asleep when she allows you a little peace. She needs you, you body you, your smell your touch, your heart beat, your food, being wrapped up in warmth. Crying is just talking for them, it does not mean anything, it will not affect her character. She is allowed to cry in public, if you got stares just smile, nobody remember how they were at that age ( yup, we were all evil, my mum says so). The villains are the others. You will always find a mum who will smile. Each day she becomes stronger with your help, she will never need you as much as today. You will get back to work eventually and you will miss those very terrible moments. Until she has a certain weight, she won't let you sleep peacefully, so when she latches ( bottle or mum) let her latch to the brim, you might want to watch if she has reflux, the milk might be too acidic for some children, change her immediately, they poo as soon as they are fed, and then freeze to see if she settles back to sleep. If you breastfeed and you are REALLY really knackered, get a bottle, one bottle or two won't kill you : you will sleep, she will sleep and you can get to know each other in a more peaceful environment, dad can do the bottle feed, just the one, it give you three hours straight of sleep. I breastfed for two years my little ones. So I am not getting you out of your choice by saying that. If you bottle feed, change the brand. A full belly can stop a war. It's a marathon, you are qualified for the job, get your trainers on it's a beautiful ride. When you look at her face, let it sink, every cell, every gaze, every scream, everything: It's pure love, she knew you one way, now you're gone, and she has to meet you, again, and again : it takes a lifetime. She longs for you. It's nesting time, cut the stress and focus on you two, slow the beat, listen to yourself quietly breathing and slowly instilling quietness into this child. While you're falling asleep. Not a joke : Going to the paediatrician for n.1 because he was waking the entire block up, during the examination it did not fail, as soon as the thing was awake the yelling started, if I could be red from head to toe... I heard an overjoyed old man in front of me say in delight : "His lungs function perfectly ! " Yup. THAT, was perfect. She is perfectly fine, It's not a little thing nowadays. The first days of life as the last days are rarely realistically pictured. Feeling lonely is the norm now, vent as much as you need, get out of the house if need be, and don't care about others to the point were you miss the little sunshine. It's normal to feel like you feel, it will pass. Count a 100 days from the birth. At that time you will give yourself a pat on the back and feel like you have crossed a zillion bridges. Lack of sleep makes you feel weird and your hormones are crazy right now and they will be for a couple of month. That makes you a super mum, you wake up just a few seconds before she wakes up etc. Unfortunately this superpower does not last, by the time they are teenager you're always have to guess what is wrong with them Argh. Life.

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