Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Would you let your 14yo come?

81 replies

ShadyGable · 28/08/2018 09:03

Day at the seaside planned tomorrow.

9yo DS with ASD and 14yo DD. Yesterday DD and some friends were upstairs playing, next thing I know bathroom door is slammed and children come down saying DS has locked himself in and is crying. This turns into 3 hours of sobbing, self harm, crying he’s not meant to be in this world and we’d be better off without him. It was heartbreaking.

This was all started by DD who called him a baby, told all the friends that he cries and gets angry all the time, started playing pranks on him and scaring him (locking him in his room in the dark - he’s petrified of the dark). This is all I can get out of DS, he’s still not talking today.

DD is refusing to take any responsibility, there’s history of her being pretty awful to her brother and not understanding him at all. She definitely makes a hard life more difficult.

I was so angry last night I sent her to bed as all she did was try and start a fight with me and do the usual ‘I did nooooootttttthhhiiinnnggg’ teenage whine.

I’m tempted to ban her from coming tomorrow, DS will be so much happier without her there. She won’t be missing out as she’s already had a few beach days and a holiday abroad this year whilst this will be DS’s first outing of the year.

OP posts:

Witchend · 28/08/2018 09:25

I'm not sure from your description. On the face of it it is mean and nasty. But I think there may be much more underneath.

I would wonder why, if she had her friends round, why he was in with them for this to happen. If they don't get on, then keeping them apart when they have friends makes sense.

I don't know the dynamics here, but I would wonder from the way you've written if her perception is that he can be as irritating as he likes to her, but if she says anything to him, he bursts into tears and you take his side, and everything revolves round him

If that's the case then leaving her behind may just increase that feeling.

hmmwhatatodo · 28/08/2018 09:25

Sounds like she was showing off in front of her friends which is probably something that’s gone on in lots of homes over the course of history. Is it possibly she feels like he gets lots of attention, lots of energy poured into him? Just trying to think of reasons. Would she be ok to stay by herself for the day or would you come back to some sort of destruction because she was in a bad mood about not being able to come? Maybe it is for the best that they have time apart for the day if you handle it so it doesn’t make things worse between them. By the way, why is it his first trip out for the summer?

Sandstormbrewing · 28/08/2018 09:27

I would, but then again I was the 'awful' sister. I doubt she's really awful(as in her intentions). I suspect she's just struggling with the fact her brother isn't 'normal', combined with the fact that younger siblings by definition are irritating and some teenage hormones thrown in.

I'm not saying that her behaviour was acceptable, just that I can understand the motivation behind it.

Allgirlskidsanddogs · 28/08/2018 09:29

But what happens if she doesn’t come? Left alone at home, unsupervised? That sounds like a reward for bad behaviour.

Would a better solution be to postpone the day, it doesn’t sound as if your DS is in a good way to enjoy it. I think I would find a different sanction for your DD.

Minniemagoo · 28/08/2018 09:32

Does your local support team run any sibling days? My DD1 did one and it made a huge difference to how she interacts with her sister who has ASD.
Regarding the beach day i would certainly leave her at home. It was bullying behaviour and there has to be consequences.

Seeline · 28/08/2018 09:32

Have you heard any of this from anyone other than your DS? If your DD is denying everything, could that actually be the case?
I agree that a group of 14 yo are not going to want a 9 to hanging around regardless of SEN or anything else. You should have made sure he was occupied. Also 14yos playing? Surely they were on their phones, watching you tube, or doing make up? That's what mine does with her friends.

ScoutAtticus · 28/08/2018 09:33

Tricky one as it must be difficult being the sibling of a child with ASD. However, to lock anyone in a dark room when they know that person is scared of the dark is wrong and she would know that. I think I would get a feel for the situation this morning. After sleeping on it she may be remorseful and realise what she did. My teen daughter can dig her heels in at the actual time but apologise the next day. It's like their brains won't admit it at the time. If she still doesn't get it then yes it think I'd go without her but definitley not before talking to her now the initial event is over. Is there a group tour daughter could attend to try and understand your ds a bit more and perhaps where she can talk to someone about her feelings as well. Teens are pretty self centred in my experience.

CarolDanvers · 28/08/2018 09:43

Hmm, not sure really. My youngest has autism and it's very hard on her brother who most the time is patient but I have definitely found that I have had unfair expectations of him in not provoking his sister and being expected to put up with all manner of crap from her for the sake of a quiet life for me. I remember him crying once and saying "she hates me and I am left out all the time". This was true to a certain extent as she struggled with more than one to one interactions so often he couldn't join in conversations or activities though I have always worked hard to make sure he gets one to one time with me. He wanted to be able to join in as a family though and sometimes it was impossible. It's very hard on siblings when there are additional needs in the family. I struggle hugely with her myself, but somehow expected a teen boy not to.

Sounds like she was showing off and got carried away. I'd not ban her from family outings though. A talking to is enough and try to understand how tough it is for her to.

Original poster

ShadyGable · 28/08/2018 09:45

I’ll try and give a bit more context.

The children that were playing were the neighbours, all ranging in age from 5 to 14, they all get on really well and it’s not a case of his friends and her friends, they’re all friends. It wasn’t a group of 14yo’s with their annoying little brother hanging around!

I’m really strict with DS, I’m the first to pull him up when he’s being unreasonable and never run to him when he just cries (I’d spend my entire life running around otherwise ). He’s normally the one I sanction when they argue, as he takes it one step further and gets violent so I always punish him for that.

Out of my DC (I have 3), eldest DD is the one I have most one to one time with. We’ve been on 3 days out these holidays just the two of us, the other two stayed with family. And it was just me and her that went on a two week holiday abroad at the beginning of the year. So she definitely gets enough of my attention. I’m a single parent and I try really hard to make sure they all get their alone time with me.

She wouldn’t be home alone, I’ll send her to my mums. And it is a punishment as she wants to come for the day out.

All the children have the same/similar story. And yes when I say ‘playing’ I mean they were on YouTube and practicing/copying gymnastic moves.

My DD goes to Young Carers and attends all the sibling workshops etc that they offer to her.

And when I say it’s his first trip out this summer, I mean first ‘big’ day out. We’ve done lots of parks, local attractions etc but he doesn’t cope too will with long days out very well so I have to plan trips like tomorrow carefully.

OP posts:

ifiwasabutterfly · 28/08/2018 09:46

Did she do these things because he was annoying them or trying to join them?

Not condoning it in any way, I just wondered why it started.

I have a similar age gap and make sure mine either both have friends over at once where possible. Or that the other one is occupied.

Punishment wise, my 13 yr old dd would pick at day at home on her own over a trip to the seaside any day!

Original poster

ShadyGable · 28/08/2018 09:47

This wasn’t him just crying cause he’d been left out or something, and is not just normal siblings arguing. They do a lot of that and I just ignore them and let them get on with it. This is a whole new level of bullying (and it is bullying, it was deliberate).

OP posts:

CarolDanvers · 28/08/2018 09:49

Sorry but I think it sounds like you don't want her to come because it will be an easier day out if she doesn't. I wouldn't leave my child out of a day out like this.

Original poster

ShadyGable · 28/08/2018 09:50

Noooo I can’t postpone it! This day has been on the calendar since the first day of the holidays and changing it isn’t an option. We’d have to go even if it was snowing .

OP posts:

ifiwasabutterfly · 28/08/2018 09:50

The locking him in thing definitely isn't acceptable, but you also said she told them all he cries and gets angry all the time. From your posts it sounds like that maybe true.

I just wonder if she finds it difficult and this was her very bad way of dealing with it. End of her tether type thing but not old enough to deal with it in an adult way.

My go to punishment is always removal of phone/electronics. And a discussion when they are calm about what happened before they are allowed said items back.

Original poster

ShadyGable · 28/08/2018 09:51

Nope, I want her to come. I love her company and she’s still at the age where she loves coming out with us still. And chooses to come with us rather than stay home or go out with her friends.

OP posts:

CarolDanvers · 28/08/2018 09:51

My go to punishment is always removal of phone/electronics. And a discussion when they are calm about what happened before they are allowed said items back.

Same. Most effective.

OverTheHedgeSammy · 28/08/2018 09:52

I'd come down on her like a tonne of bricks. Locking her brother in his room in the dark, when he's scared of the dark? Teasing him in front of the others? Siblings fighting is one thing, but doing this sort of thing with/in front of neighbourhood children is is in a whole different level. She was deliberately trying to humiliate him, and did everything she knew he would react badly to.

Definitely leave her out of the trip.

Original poster

ShadyGable · 28/08/2018 09:54

He does cry and get angry, but they normally just ignore him or they come and get me and I remove him until he’s calmed down. But it’s quite rare he gets angry in company actually, he tries to hold it together.

OP posts:

Original poster

ShadyGable · 28/08/2018 09:55

Yes I’m always removing electronics. I have a rock solid system in place. But this is beyond that. Not just a few snide remarks or her pushing her luck. She deliberately humiliated him until he had a massive meltdown and self harmed.

OP posts:

Original poster

ShadyGable · 28/08/2018 09:56

Thank you Sammy. I feel like you’re on the same wavelength as me.

OP posts:

Ignoramusgiganticus · 28/08/2018 09:58

I think you tell her that she's had a lot of fun days out/holidays and that this is his only one, therefore you are going to leave her at home so that it's not spoilt for him. I'd tell her it's not a punishment as such as you understand that siblings fight, but that you hope she can understand how he is feeling at the moment and that she can see how she took it rather too far this time.

I'd take this approach because you don't want to alienate her any further but you do want to develop her empathy.

hmmwhatatodo · 28/08/2018 09:58

Tricky then since reading your update. Is she fed up of him being violent towards him and this was her payback where she felt safe enough to do it as there were other children around and perhaps she knew he wouldn’t retaliate in the same way as he would have if they were alone?

I wonder if you could watch them today and see how they get on before you decide?

WooYa · 28/08/2018 09:59

I agree with Sammy she has clearly done this to get a big reaction from him and it's not just normal sibling bickering. I wouldn't let her come.

Dermymc · 28/08/2018 09:59

I would ban her. However tough being 14 is, there is no excuse for bullying him. 14 is old enough to know better.

Original poster

ShadyGable · 28/08/2018 10:02

But he wasn’t being violent yesterday. They were all getting on fine but then DD started deliberately mocking him and being nasty to him.

And when he does give her a shove, she doesn’t just take it, she shoves him back!

I know it sounds like I’m being one sided, but I’m normally very fair and have a very good relationship with DD. I compensate for her having a sibling like that, and we talk about it a lot in terms of managing it. Every night we sit just the two of us and talk about the day. I know it can’t be easy for her, but nothing is going to change that. I just have to manage it as best I can. She doesn’t feel resentful towards him as I try my hardest to treat them all the same. He doesn’t get any special treatment.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread