Would you let your 14yo come?

[ShadyGable]

Day at the seaside planned tomorrow.

9yo DS with ASD and 14yo DD. Yesterday DD and some friends were upstairs playing, next thing I know bathroom door is slammed and children come down saying DS has locked himself in and is crying. This turns into 3 hours of sobbing, self harm, crying he’s not meant to be in this world and we’d be better off without him. It was heartbreaking.

This was all started by DD who called him a baby, told all the friends that he cries and gets angry all the time, started playing pranks on him and scaring him (locking him in his room in the dark - he’s petrified of the dark). This is all I can get out of DS, he’s still not talking today.

DD is refusing to take any responsibility, there’s history of her being pretty awful to her brother and not understanding him at all. She definitely makes a hard life more difficult.

I was so angry last night I sent her to bed as all she did was try and start a fight with me and do the usual ‘I did nooooootttttthhhiiinnnggg’ teenage whine.

I’m tempted to ban her from coming tomorrow, DS will be so much happier without her there. She won’t be missing out as she’s already had a few beach days and a holiday abroad this year whilst this will be DS’s first outing of the year.

Couldn't agree more @30hours. My child with autism pretty much rules the house at times, in ways that can't even be expressed. We all know what will happen if she kicks off and all act accordingly, adjusting our behaviour constantly, though it's through no fault of her own I hasten to add. I struggle and get so stressed at times yet my other child is expected to never react to her, never lose his temper, never finally just have HAD ENOUGH! I'd be furious if he did what OP's dd did but just don't think excluding her from the family outing is the right thing to do. But I am clearly in the minority so will leave it there.

I think she needs to go with you. By splitting them after this it may only make it worse.

No way my kids with autism rule the house. For one I've got two of them. When they're at odds which is all the time which of them am I expected to let rule the house?!

Agree with @OverTheHedgeSammy

Pushing an autistic child to the point where they meltdown for 3 hours, and self harm is horrible. Beyond horrible. Whatever her reason, it is not an acceptable way to treat a sibling, or anyone. In fact, doing it as a sibling is nothing short of spiteful! She is completely aware of his struggles, and she has just added to that!

Those making excuses, would it be acceptable for her to do this to a friend or younger child ar school? No, absolutely not!!

For context, I have 2 dds. Very similar ages/age gap. Youngest ASD and older dd is her most fierce protector. She would not dream of doing to dd what your dd did to your ds. My youngest would lose all trust in her sister if she did that, and in fact she wouldn't want to go out anywhere with her again.

Why punish her more for having an asd sibling? She exists too. How about you read the thread? She isn't being punished for having a sibling with asd she is being punished for pushing him into a three hour meltdown and causing him to self harm.

@30hours ... Yet my 15yr old handles it very very differently! She doesn't feel the need to mock her sister over her asd related behaviours.

In fact during meltdowns she will be the one looking for her sensory stuff, or her favourite toy, or offering to sit with her sister to keep her safe while I have a break. She will make me tea or bring me a drink if I can't leave the room etc. And sometimes, she is the ONLY person who can reach her sister.

I have no doubt at all that this affects dd1, however she would not dream of mocking dd2 and pushing her into a meltdown.

Because as much as I struggle, and dh struggles, and dd1 struggles, I can guarantee you that not one of us are struggling as much as dd2 is, right then, during each and every minute of that 3 hour meltdown.

I don't let dd2 rule the house. That's too much to put on her and doesn't teach her to regulate at all. If she meltdowns, we deal with it. We look at what we could have changed, if anything and we learn. Sometimes, there is nothing we can do, just ride it out. But dd1 never misses out because of it.

I empathise with you Shady, my ex isn't much better, though he does still have contact with DS.

FWIW I agree with those who say you sound like a great mum. You've clearly thought about this objectively and I don't see any bias at all in your decision.

Sending and !