How much notice would your parents need for an overnight visit?

[papayasareyum]

my Mum is healthy, independent, early eighties. My siblings live around the corner and regularly pop in with their kids for the day, without notice (or very little)
I’ve tried to arrange a visit overnight this weekend (she lives 300 miles away) and asked if she was doing anything. She said no. My sister phoned me later to say mum was panicking about the short notice and we couldn’t come. I asked if she had other plans. Nope. She’s not doing anything. It’s just “short notice” (caused by waiting for eldest daughter’s new work shifts to be announced as she’s on zero hours contract summer job)
She’s always complaining about us living far away, unlike my other siblings in the same town who see her daily. Is 3 days notice really rude of me? She’s my Mum! And it’s only overnight and I always take her out for food when we go so it doesn’t incur any expense.

It would depend on how much preparation there was, would she have to clear junk out of the spare room, make beds up etc.
Can you stay at a b&b?

Spare room is always made up and when we’ve stayed at travel lodge to give us a bit of space and save her hassle, she’s been very offended

My parents live a similar distance away. My mum would need about 20 minutes. But, realistically, if we asked if we could come tomorrow / turn up that evening and they weren’t busy it would be no issue. They’re late 60’s.

My in-laws like a few days, they are a similar age. Does your mum not enjoy house guests?

Offer to stay in Travelodge anyway. See what she says. Why didn’t she say it’s too short notice to you rather than saying it to your DSis? Bloody families! Mines the same.

It's difficult then, I'd ring her rather than getting second-hand info from your sister.

I spoke to her and she repeated what my sister said. I mentioned staying in a hotel and she just kept repeating that it was short notice

Oh that would wind me right up!

I'm not saying this is the case with your DM but my MIL is a fucking drama llama in situations like this. She kicks off when someone gives less notice than the arbitrary timeframe in her head allows or if god forbid, plans change.

She has nothing to be bothered by as she never has any real plans nor needs to get anything prepared but will huff and puff if you are late or early. She'll even make shit up in her head and get mad about situations that never happened or won't happen. She'll still get all riled up with "and what if XXXX happened?! That would have meant XXXXX...!"

It's just her personality and DH and SIL have always pandered to it. I don't. I (albeit politely) tell her that's bloody ridiculous. She's much better these days.

OP, stay in a Travellodge and when DM kicks off about it bloody tell her why! She's an adult.

Sorry to hear that papaya. Plan something else exciting to do instead.

My dad has mental health issues and panics about visitors, so requires lots of notice. We have stayed in hotels too. A similar age to your mum and gets tired quite easily now so visits are shorter tbh.

Perhaps she feels a difference in house guests and people popping by? I know that it can be frustrating for you OP

My mum is no longer with us, she’d have been fine just turning up on the doorstep to be honest, though would have liked a day or two to titivate the house and buy extra wine and biscuits.

In laws are just round the corner so it’s never really come up - they like to fuss and fret over things though so I think they’d probably like a few days to a week.

None whatsoever

I’d say to your mum that it’s short notice because of your daughter’s work, unfortunately her work isn’t going to change to allow you to give any more notice so her options are a) you go (at short notice) and stay in a hotel or b) you don’t get to see her - which would she prefer?

My mother would be like yours OP; I wouldn't mind if DCs just turned up or very short notice because beds are always made up.
They might have to make do with makeshift meals though!

My parents only live half an hour away, but I often stay with them for a night or two if DH is away. I try to give notice but sometimes I've just felt like being there, turned up (call on the way) and say "by the way can I stay tonight?" when I get there. Never been a problem, though I realise I'm lucky, and I only know that I can do so with little notice after experience!

If I were you I'd stay in a hotel, and then she really has no place to complain!

20 minutes, so they could drive to pick us up from the airport or ferry

My late mother was active and independent in her eighties but she took a fair bit of time to get going in the morning (up early but took her a long time to wash and dress etc) and she liked a rest in the afternoon and to go to bed early.

I host guests a lot and find it more and more tiring as I get older (although I'm not in particularly good health ATM so that could be part of it). It's not the cleaning and bed making as such; it's more having people around all the time with whom you have to make conversation, not being able to have periods of "down time" when you feel the need.

I know my late ma definitely got used to her own company and found having lots of noise around a bit tiring after a while.

Tbh, if this w/e is difficult for her, I wouldn't push it. Or stay in travel lodge. She may have a medical condition she isn't willing to share ATM, or just may have made other plans that she wants to keep private. Or she may just be feeling tired.

Sorry you feel unwelcome though.

I could ring as I pulled off the motorway 5 minutes away.

My mil however was all out of sorts when my mum was visiting and we popped in for a cup of tea without pre arranging.

My dad would be happy if I just turned up at his front door. He is 80.

He'd then have a panic about not having enough red wine food in the house and take me out for dinner.

I have introduced him to the concept of food delivery.

Does your mum have any issues with anxiety/depression? When I've been struggling with my mental health, I would be really stressed out and flustered by something like having visitors come, even close family.

she’s always been an anxious type, but doesn’t believe in mental health issues and I guess the hurtful thing is that my other siblings just turn up as and when, without a phone call. And often hang around for the day. I was the only sibling to move away and twenty odd years since we moved away, she’s still angry about it

If 3 days notice is not enough, she's either being ridiculous or she has issues, but then I would have thought your sister would have said something?

I've only got my mum and live in the next city, but as DM lives within walking distance of a good friend of mine, I've often stayed with her after drinks/dinner at friend's house and I always ask the same day or day before and she's fine.

A retired person with at least one spare room and no plans needing more than 3 days notice for an adult child to stay seems a little odd or worrying to me. You'd have thought she would have been delighted to have you over for a few days?

In light of your last post I'd go anyway stay in the travel lodge and visit the rest of the family if they're all living close by.

I'd be tempted to book the hotel, and make plans to see other family and friends. Tell her if she wants to see you she can provide a convenient time and place whilst you're local.

MartyMcfly that is a good idea