How much notice would your parents need for an overnight visit?

[papayasareyum]

my Mum is healthy, independent, early eighties. My siblings live around the corner and regularly pop in with their kids for the day, without notice (or very little)
I’ve tried to arrange a visit overnight this weekend (she lives 300 miles away) and asked if she was doing anything. She said no. My sister phoned me later to say mum was panicking about the short notice and we couldn’t come. I asked if she had other plans. Nope. She’s not doing anything. It’s just “short notice” (caused by waiting for eldest daughter’s new work shifts to be announced as she’s on zero hours contract summer job)
She’s always complaining about us living far away, unlike my other siblings in the same town who see her daily. Is 3 days notice really rude of me? She’s my Mum! And it’s only overnight and I always take her out for food when we go so it doesn’t incur any expense.

Not rtft

About 6 weeks maybe? They might say no.

Mine live 5 mins away and are 70, they have the view that they raised their kids with no help so they think I should look after my own kids. That is their prerogative obviuosly. Strangely they will help eagerly of it's cover for work, but if it's for anything else they're not keen. I think this is quite a common approach.

Yeah, the sibling having to pass the message on is a familiar scenario to me as well, OP. I had a chat with my (very embarrassed) sibling on Father's Day as he was unable to speak to me himself to thank me for the card ...

Are you going down, OP? If so, brace yourself for another phone call from your sibling while you are there laying the 'ground rules' for any visits. Might be worth speaking to your siblings to see how she is in general, her anxiety issues might be getting a bit worse by the sound of it.

She's in her 80s, she's not keen, doesn't necessarily mean she's mentally ill!

Some people need a bit of time to get used to plans, that's fine and normal.

Stay somewhere else.

Sorry rtft now, before second post.

My Dads in his late 50s, lives about 150 miles away. He needs about 4 weeks notice - he works from home, self employed so would have jig work around. One of my siblings lives in the same town as him and just swings by whenever. If I rocked up randomly to hang out for a few hours, he’d love it.

Just tell her that it's fine, you won't go and ask her to pick a date when it would suit her. Take it from there.

Sounds a bit like she classes you as a guest that she needs to prep for rather than her child, which is a bit shit. Has she always been like this?

Just to clarify that it's fine to not want overnight visitors and not always a sign of mental illness - there were other things in the OP's posts that pointed me that way, probably because of my own experience!

Pipe, she’s not like that with my sisters, but she’s treated me differently since I left our home town and moved away. They live around the corner and see her daily

I may be misreading your OP, but I personally find that method of asking a bit presumptuous.

• Are you doing anything / do you have plans?
• Er, no*
• Then I will be coming to see you.

• • actually means nothing I want to tell you about, or looking forward to a lazy one, or I want more notice, or ...

If you want to visit, I would always ask directly. If they don't say yes, perhaps suggest another time. Do not firmly enquire as to what they are doing and why.

Apologies if I have misunderstood you, but I just think that method of asking is positively looking for trouble.

If mine come and stay or drop in for a cup of tea I'm happy to see them. I now have mobility problems, so they know they'll have to sort themselves out when they arrive, and don't complain.

My IL’s live abroad and like about 3 months notice . SIL lives around the corner from them and has a key, she and her partner just drop in and stay over whenever they fancy. I don’t know if it’s because we only go a couple of times a year but they like to prepare for our visit!
My mum lives round the corner, she rarely invites us to her house and always comes to ours if I suggest going to hers. I can generally pop into my dads (also close by) any time.

She's 80! Give her a break I'd say.

Popping in for a brew is different to someone staying overnight.

HOW does she complain about you living too far away. She obviously resents this. Deeply.

Maybe a PA 'oh mum you always complain that I live so far away, but now I've tried to arrange to visit you, asking 3 days before, you say you need more notice. I can't win'.

Not with us now but no notice required.
They would just be happy to see us, especially if visiting from where we lived abroad. Never picked up from the airport though as that would have involved motorway driving! Notice or not, never any beer or wine in just already opened mixers from last Christmas. I miss them every day.

Sorry your mum is reacting like this, perhaps there's more to this than meets the eye.

I know she’s 80, and could understand her not wanting overnight guests, but this contradicts her stance of always moaning about us not visiting enough (every two or three months, often more) and it’s not the first time she’s asked us to reschedule. She never sounds happy about any suggested visits either, but then when we do visit, she often makes PA comments about not enough visits and he visits not being long enough

I'd call her on it, like a pp said. Which is it you want?
But I'd book a hotel and plan to see other relatives.

Could be lots of things

• She is pissed off with you for moving away
• She genuinely feels it's a bit sudden for an overnight and she didn't get much choice and she'd rather not. Some people need a while for plans to sink in and she is 80
• She just doesn't like you as much as the other kids

What will you resolve by confronting her? I'd just say fine and stay somewhere else and still go and see her.

But my mum is very unhelpful and my brotehr is top fave and so I do this from self protection (emotional) really.

My parents live abroad. We once arrived over to surprise them and just knocked the door. There were tears. That's the reaction I expect.
It's not a stranger arriving, it's her daughter she hardly needs to make sure the place is spotless. Seeing the grand kids should be more important than anything.

I'd also be suspicious that your dsis needs her as a babysitter those dates and the stirring is coming from her.

I get this as well. I live about 2 hours away but I still take her on days out, take her to her hospital appointments every 6 weeks, organise her shopping and at a moments notice drive up and pick her up because she needs some sea air for 2 weeks. But if I'm tired and want to stay over it's a cat bums face. Her other children can drop in when they feel like it and they do sod all for her or if they do charge her for their time!

GoldenHoops nice to meet someone in the same boat!

Have you come to terms with it? I struggle a bit!

It sounds like she enjoys one kind of visit - the informal dropping round during the day - but doesn't like 2 or 3 days with someone staying over. In her 80s, she's possibly got quite a set routine and someone staying in her house puts her off-kilter in a way that a daytime visit doesn't.

Yes, she is being inflexible. You won't be able to change her. You decide whether you'd rather stay at a hotel or with her. Can you have a frank conversations with her about this, or is it not worth it?

Some parents find it hard to see their children living very differently from themselves and see it as rejection of them/their lives. You moving away sounds like she's never really got used to it. Did she stay close to her parents when she was an adult?

NothingOnTellyAgain
I struggle a lot! I've tried talking to her about it but she won't accept it