Just had a shitty text exchange with my aunt. Hand hold needed.

[LukeSkywalkerBoots]

Her: I'm really happy that you visiting Gramdma but please could you give a bit of thought before filling her room with pictures from your ds, I find it upsetting knowing that you are able to see your Grandma whilst he cannot see his! It's not just you and your mum effected by this situation it's all of us. Xxx

(‘Filling his room’= 3 pictures he drew when we visited her that were left in a pile on a table.)

Me: Right, firstly he drew the pictures for grandma while he was sitting right next to her so unless you want me to chuck them in the bin in front of him I don't have much option but to leave them do I? Secondly he is very happy and fine thank you and not pining for my mum. Thirdly she is the cause of this situation, she allowed a violent bully to abuse and intimidate me for 13 years which caused a lifetime of upset and mental health problems so for all her upset now at us being estranged she certainly didn't care at the time. And she didn't give a shit when she stuck two fingers up at us by turning up uninvited at my sons nativity play. So the buck stops with her I'm afraid. All of it stops with her. And I don't wish to discuss it any further.

Her: Trust me I'm not condoning her turning up to the nativity. And I'm not saying he can't do a picture for Great Grandma - I am tying to say that this 'situation' has ripples effecting the whole family ... at a time when we are still fucking mourning our dad. And as you say I have no desire to discuss this any further either

Me: People do not choose to not see their mum anymore for no reason. I've nearly killed myself over this crap so many times. My whole life has been completely ruined. All because of her. If you'd been there you would know that. All you've heard is her self-serving 'I was the victim' rubbish which is absolute crap.

Her: I'm not denying any of that I'm really not, I'm not saying she's perfect, but you invited her into his life for all this years and now you've cut her off, it's like she mourning! I'm the only sister with grandchildren that can really understand and it's me turns to, I can't cope with any more of it, not right now. Xx

Me: I won't ever visit grandma again, clearly once again I have to suffer and bow out of the family when i didn't do anything but try to cope.

Her: No no no I didn't mean that, don't think that for a minute, I'm having a shit day, two weeks since the funeral and I just randomly thought I could text you and I'm sorry - ignore stupid fucking Aunty ——-.

I’ve laid in bed bawling my eyes out for the last half hour.

Ps I didn’t ‘invite’ my mum into my sons life, she suddenly got super eager to be around when I had him when her interest was at best intermittent before and she wasn’t there for me when I was very unwell and suicidal.

I think your aunt sounds as toxic as your Mum and I think you should completely block her and not respond when she tries to contact you. Obviously both damaged by their past in some way?

I’ve blocked her.

I don’t know about being damaged.

I can tell you though that my aunt once pushed her sons face into the dirt in her garden as punishment for him taking an ice lolly without asking. And then told my mum about it and they were cackling and laughing.

Aunt is one of your mum’s flying monkeys, isn’t she. Read the stately homes thread, if you don’t understand that reference to the enablers of emotional abusers.
As PP said, block aunt as well as mum. They’re a double act who are messing with your head and your happiness. Aunt is guilt tripping and emotionally blackmailing you, almost certainly at mum’s behest.
Don’t waste another teardrop on either of them. They’re not worth it.

Block the aunt and continue to visit your dgm.
And stop the guilt.
I know all about toxic 'd'm' s.
Nc and its great.

I think her last 4 words are the best advice.

Ha!

Sorry but why cut her off?
She's apologised. Like she says, she is still in mourning and not thinking straight. Give her the benefit of the doubt and don't cause even more separation in this already divided (and traumatised) family.

She's another nasty bitch. Keep seeing your Gran, and sod the rest of them.

And I don't agree with @GreenShadow.

I don't either. Don't give abusive people the benefit of the doubt. Life's too short and too precious.

Your aunt is an abusive bitch. Keep her blocked

Sorry but why cut her off?
Why?
Because of what Babdoc wrote, that’s why.
Lots of us have first hand experience of this sort of behaviour unfortunately.

Well Aunty can fuck off too then.

Keep seeing your gran. Don’t engage any further with the craziness of people who don’t get to demand to be in your life or dictate how you live it. If she’s generally ok give it a couple of weeks and then message to see how she is and draw a line under it making it clear you’ve put her actions down to being in mourning and that you will do nice things like leave your sons great granny his drawings.

Fuck her and fuck anyone else affected by the ripples. They stood by whilst she abused you. They dont deserve any consideration in this.

You do what YOU need to do for YOUR mental health.

I’ve lost several maternal family members due to my refusal to ‘let bygones be bygones’ over my abusive childhood. Why the fuck should I? She’s still awful now. And tbh, the family members are no real loss, they’re her biggest enablers.

Block her and keep seeing your Gran. If seeing your Gran brings joy into both your and your son's life fuck the rest of them. Go when you know they're not around, make sure you don't receive any texts she sends about it. Just ignore.

hmm...I think I'd suggest the Aunt go NC too...or at least find a way to manage her sister that doesn't seem to overwhelm her.

If she continues to try to lay the problem at your feet rather than take action herself...then bye-bye Aunt!

What a load of shit.

Your DS can and should draw pictures for his GGM if he wants to, she should display them if it makes her happy. You should definitely see your GM.

Her last four words make me think she's as bad as your DM, putting on the victim act to manipulate people to feel guilty and do as they want. Ugh.

Ignore stupid fucking Aunty and posters that tell you she’s apologised. She’s drawing you in so she can hit you harder.

ignore stupid fucking aunty

Yup. Take her advice.

Keep seeing your grandmother.

I’m sorry greenshadow but you’re talking out of your arse. We’re all in mourning. Doesn’t make my family any less shitty or damaging.

Problem with visiting my gm is that I have no clue when the others will be there. Or if they might turn up.

She’s deliberately picked a fight with you knowing full well how it was going to go.

Its about dominance. Like when siblings fight over sitting on a random chair. It’s not that the chair is great it’s about trying to assert themselves over the others. Then the fight grows, crocodile tears start flowing even when the chair is long forgotten.

It’s nothing to do with you or anything you’ve done and you can’t win. The absolute best thing to do is ignore.

But you can assert yourself by saying ‘what pictures?’ ‘Where?’ ‘What was upsetting about them?’ ‘Did you not like the pictures?’ ‘Do you think there something wrong with how he drew them?’ Etc etc. Make her spell out the ridiculousness of her argument and she will disappear in a huff that she’s not provoked you.

She is ridiculous for texting you about your DS's pictures, and then dragging in nonsense that has nothing to do with it. I would indeed ignore her as she suggests. In fact I would have blanked the original text.

However, to be frank, you seem equally high strung for flouncing that you will never go to see your GM again and then bawling in bed for half an hour.

Ignore her. It's not her place to moderate your relationship with your grandmother (unless your grandmother was vulnerable and asked her to, which does not seem to be the case).
Your relationship with your grandmother is your relationship not your aunt's.

@tawdrylocalbrouhaha I’m very sorry that I seem highly strung. I’ve had 30 years of this shit to deal with and it’s broken me into a million pieces. That alright with you is it?