Just had a shitty text exchange with my aunt. Hand hold needed.

[LukeSkywalkerBoots]

Her: I'm really happy that you visiting Gramdma but please could you give a bit of thought before filling her room with pictures from your ds, I find it upsetting knowing that you are able to see your Grandma whilst he cannot see his! It's not just you and your mum effected by this situation it's all of us. Xxx

(‘Filling his room’= 3 pictures he drew when we visited her that were left in a pile on a table.)

Me: Right, firstly he drew the pictures for grandma while he was sitting right next to her so unless you want me to chuck them in the bin in front of him I don't have much option but to leave them do I? Secondly he is very happy and fine thank you and not pining for my mum. Thirdly she is the cause of this situation, she allowed a violent bully to abuse and intimidate me for 13 years which caused a lifetime of upset and mental health problems so for all her upset now at us being estranged she certainly didn't care at the time. And she didn't give a shit when she stuck two fingers up at us by turning up uninvited at my sons nativity play. So the buck stops with her I'm afraid. All of it stops with her. And I don't wish to discuss it any further.

Her: Trust me I'm not condoning her turning up to the nativity. And I'm not saying he can't do a picture for Great Grandma - I am tying to say that this 'situation' has ripples effecting the whole family ... at a time when we are still fucking mourning our dad. And as you say I have no desire to discuss this any further either

Me: People do not choose to not see their mum anymore for no reason. I've nearly killed myself over this crap so many times. My whole life has been completely ruined. All because of her. If you'd been there you would know that. All you've heard is her self-serving 'I was the victim' rubbish which is absolute crap.

Her: I'm not denying any of that I'm really not, I'm not saying she's perfect, but you invited her into his life for all this years and now you've cut her off, it's like she mourning! I'm the only sister with grandchildren that can really understand and it's me turns to, I can't cope with any more of it, not right now. Xx

Me: I won't ever visit grandma again, clearly once again I have to suffer and bow out of the family when i didn't do anything but try to cope.

Her: No no no I didn't mean that, don't think that for a minute, I'm having a shit day, two weeks since the funeral and I just randomly thought I could text you and I'm sorry - ignore stupid fucking Aunty ——-.

I’ve laid in bed bawling my eyes out for the last half hour.

Ps I didn’t ‘invite’ my mum into my sons life, she suddenly got super eager to be around when I had him when her interest was at best intermittent before and she wasn’t there for me when I was very unwell and suicidal.

Fair enough LukeSkywalker (and everyone else on the thread!).

I guess basically it comes down to do you want to maintain contact with her or not and it looks like you don't, so OK, block her (and ignore my earlier comments).

I agree with greenshadow.

People are just people, flaws and all. I don't but into this 'flying monkeys ' stuff as some sinister thing but I bet it sells a lot of self help books.

My sister had cut me off, it's caused huge issues for the wider family.

tawdry it might be that the OP is being highly strung if the text from the aunt was an isolated incident. Doesn't sound much like it though.

Constant unpleasantness and drama in the family builds up and is very difficult to deal with.

I have (had!) an uncle who quite frankly throws his toys out whenever someone doesn't contact him at a time that suits him.
He brought my mother, sister & my aunt (plus numerous cousins) in to a petty argument years ago. Then told my aunt (and her children) that my sister and I had caused him to have another mini stroke
I didn't talk to him for years. Then last year he contacted me via Facebook to try to 'make amends' as I was 'always his favourite'.
I sent a message back and told him I wished him all the best but I did not want to accept his friend request and that I was doing well, getting on with my life and whilst I wished him no ill health I did not wish to communicate with him further.

I have not spoken to my aunt & her children for years either. The argument was petty, the fall out from it was proof of just how toxic the maternal family is.

Ignore your aunt, life is too bloody short to put up with shit from shitters.

OP, your family sound very difficult.

But you have a young son - do you want him to remember you as having extreme emotional responses and taking to your bed in tears? Part of recognising that your family is dysfunctional is choosing not to participate.

Don't give abusive people the benefit of the doubt. Life's too short and too precious.

^^ In the unlikely event that abusers have reformed, it's time for them to demonstrate that in someone's life where there's no history of baggage. Intruding themselves yet further into the lives of those whom they've damaged - not fabulous evidence of a Damascene revelation.

I do indeed recognise that they are dysfunctional. I do indeed wish they didn’t upset me so much. I wish I was a perfect mother who didn’t show any emotion. I’ve never taken to bed in tears before. I’ve always bottled everything up. But I’m broken.

I’ve tried and tried and tried to cope with my absent disinterested fly by night father and my abusive violent stepfather and my mother who stood by and backed up said stepfather. I’ve tried and tried and tried. I’ve had therapy, I’ve stopped contact, I’m on medication. But the pain is indescribable. I honestly wish I didn’t have a husband and a son so I could just kill myself. I really really want to just die. Life is too hard and this bullshit just never ends. It rolls on and on and on and I can’t take anymore.

People who haven't the strength to be honest and assertive often want to make scapegoats out of people who are doing just that. She's communicating her own very human, understandable weakness to you; don't let her make you feel bad.

A rapprochement might be to say that you understand she's in mourning. But that your opinion and approach is what you believe is best for you and you have to be in control of deciding that.

But ignore her for now. Don't come back to her quickly on this. She will have succeeded in manipulating you with her own emotions

I agree the Aunt is a flying monkey. I learned a lot about this when DH went NC with FIL earlier this year. These people really do follow a script in their attempts to blame everyone else for the issues their behaviour has caused.

I have sympathy for your Aunt up to a point as she is clearly is in a difficult place, but sadly any resolution can only come from her waking up to her Sisters behaviour. Asking you to change your behaviour won’t make her sister less toxic.

I know how hard it is.

I’m sorry you’re going through this, it just be very hard.

My only suggestion is to google the “grey rock” technique. Your goal is to be as boring and neutral as possible.

So in that example, after your aunts first text, it doesn’t help you to get involved in her ridiculousness or to try and argue with her.

Just state the facts, very bland and boring, and otherwise don’t engage.

Eg for example your first reply could have been “He drew three pictures for her, while sitting behind her, and she wanted to keep them. In any event I’m not going to pretend he doesn’t exist or isn’t visiting his great grandma.” You don’t need to get into any of the wider background as it just escalated things. Maybe that could help?

There will be far more damaging ripples if you stop DS from seeing his GGM I think, so I would still try to maintain that relationship if healthy.

Aunt sounds like a bit of a nutcase regarding the whole ice lolly thing, so I think you're best off ignoring her.

Sorry for the loss of your Grandfather and that you have toxic relatives

I meant “while sitting beside her”

I think I’m so upset because I’ve had a gutfull of being made to feel ashamed by my family- for not being this, for not being that, for how I stand, what I said, how I hold my cutlery, everything was wrong according to my stepdad and my mum just went along with it. And because I’ve now stood up for myself and walked away from my mum I now feel shame because of what they’re thinking or saying about me. And now I’ve been told off for leaving pictures that my son drew at my grandmas and it all feeds into the above IYSWIM.

But I guess they would have turned up at any moment anyway Luke so I'd carry on seeing your gran and ignore Aunty.

I appreciate there is a wider background here, but looking at this incident in isolation...

Your Aunt accuses you of a heinous crime.

The sin of allowing your Child to draw pictures for his Great Grandmother and leaving them for her to enjoy.

No one is going to lock you up and throw away the key are they?

Your feelings of shame only exist because of the way you have been manipulated. Have you read up on FOG (fear, obligation, guilt)? I found it really helped me to see things clearly.

Be proud of your Son for giving the drawings and yourself for encouraging a normal living relationship.

OP, you poor love, have a hug.🌸
Today, you have blocked the Aunt, tomorrow is a new day, and this one will be behind you.
It was a lovely thing you did, visiting your Gran, with your son.
Do whatever it takes to protect yourself from their continued emotional abuse. You're a very important person, your son's mummy, just focus on your life with him.
I'm so sorry that you feel so broken, but as before, if you allow it, this latest incident will pass, and you'll be strong again.

As others have said, ignore your aunt and continue to see your grandma. Your aunt and mother sound exactly like the members of the abusive side of my family: who push and push to cause trouble and get attention then turn all pathetic and 'apologetic' when the conversation doesn't go their way. Avoid abusive people like the plague, always. None of their opinions count or matter.

It all sounds quite tense with a lot of back story.

I’m not sure I’ve got it right, but she’s sticking up for her sister, your Mum?

I don’t blame you for your responses but I think it might help to be clear with her.

She is to stay out of you and your Mums business. End of. You don’t need to explain to her anything.

You go to your granny’s whenever you like and do whatever you like.

If you’ve truly walked away from your mum and stepdad, it wouldn’t matter two hoots what they think of you. By being angry and upset, you’re fuelling your toxic family. Just drop the rope - if you don’t react to their rants at all, they can’t worm their way into your head. Don’t stop visiting your grandma if you don’t want to; if any of your not-nearest and not-dearest are there too you can treat them as you would any random stranger - polite, civil but ultimately disinterested. Then you can go home and thump cushions or whatever and rant to MN!

It must be very hard for you💐

Oh god. Bloody families ! You're right to block her but I hope you can continue with your gran. Hope you're ok. I have had this with my sister, since NC all has been good. Our kids are our priorities. Negative influences like that can fuck off.

Also be wary of your own responses. You sound like me, I get emotionally drawn back in. Your aunt stayed calm, friendly but ultimately prodded you very hard. You crumbled. She had the upper hand.

This is all understandable, I’m thin skinned, but after you’ve had a good cry, think about this dynamic and ways you can protect yourself. Think your way to a better place. So what if she asks you not to put pictures up or guilts you about your Mum?

YOU know best, you can do what you like! Including bringing up your son better than you were bought up, and having lighthearted joy in your life instead of all that auntie bullshit.

OP ignore your aunt, you go and see your grandmother and take whatever you want to her from your son. If they want to remove it in front of their mother it is their business. Just ignore them and do not let them ruin your relationship with your grandmother.

Where does your DGM live - in her own home, with relatives or in a care home?

Can you call her first to check if she’s alone before you visit. If she lives with relatives, are they helpful ie won’t cause a scene and let you get on with a quiet visit.

Does your DGM know/understand what went on during your childhood? Would she be able to assert her rights to peaceful visits from yourself and to have whatever she wants in her own home?

apologies if there is a back story about this that I havent seen, but from reading the dialogue it does sound as though your aunty realises she was out of order. I know you know her and have had a relationship with her but it does sound like she wants to maintain a relationship with you. I am sorry you are going through this and like I say I may have missed a massive back story on another thread.