Just had a shitty text exchange with my aunt. Hand hold needed.

[LukeSkywalkerBoots]

Her: I'm really happy that you visiting Gramdma but please could you give a bit of thought before filling her room with pictures from your ds, I find it upsetting knowing that you are able to see your Grandma whilst he cannot see his! It's not just you and your mum effected by this situation it's all of us. Xxx

(‘Filling his room’= 3 pictures he drew when we visited her that were left in a pile on a table.)

Me: Right, firstly he drew the pictures for grandma while he was sitting right next to her so unless you want me to chuck them in the bin in front of him I don't have much option but to leave them do I? Secondly he is very happy and fine thank you and not pining for my mum. Thirdly she is the cause of this situation, she allowed a violent bully to abuse and intimidate me for 13 years which caused a lifetime of upset and mental health problems so for all her upset now at us being estranged she certainly didn't care at the time. And she didn't give a shit when she stuck two fingers up at us by turning up uninvited at my sons nativity play. So the buck stops with her I'm afraid. All of it stops with her. And I don't wish to discuss it any further.

Her: Trust me I'm not condoning her turning up to the nativity. And I'm not saying he can't do a picture for Great Grandma - I am tying to say that this 'situation' has ripples effecting the whole family ... at a time when we are still fucking mourning our dad. And as you say I have no desire to discuss this any further either

Me: People do not choose to not see their mum anymore for no reason. I've nearly killed myself over this crap so many times. My whole life has been completely ruined. All because of her. If you'd been there you would know that. All you've heard is her self-serving 'I was the victim' rubbish which is absolute crap.

Her: I'm not denying any of that I'm really not, I'm not saying she's perfect, but you invited her into his life for all this years and now you've cut her off, it's like she mourning! I'm the only sister with grandchildren that can really understand and it's me turns to, I can't cope with any more of it, not right now. Xx

Me: I won't ever visit grandma again, clearly once again I have to suffer and bow out of the family when i didn't do anything but try to cope.

Her: No no no I didn't mean that, don't think that for a minute, I'm having a shit day, two weeks since the funeral and I just randomly thought I could text you and I'm sorry - ignore stupid fucking Aunty ——-.

I’ve laid in bed bawling my eyes out for the last half hour.

Ps I didn’t ‘invite’ my mum into my sons life, she suddenly got super eager to be around when I had him when her interest was at best intermittent before and she wasn’t there for me when I was very unwell and suicidal.

don't beat yourself up on it OP . Its hardly surprising that growing up around these toxic people might cause you to reach for a manipulative tactic once in a while, especially when attacked.

Could you put a more standard arrangement in place, like you go on Monday mornings, or something? Then you wouldn't need to keep in touch with any of them any further?

I suggested that but was told that someone else might be there at that time so a standing arrangement couldn’t be made.

Update! I just got a message from aunt 2. She said nobody should try and stop me from seeing grandma and she has made her feelings known about that in the past. So obviously other aunt and my mum have wanted me banned!!!!! Pure evil!!!

I remember some of your previous thread op. Sounds like aunt is trying to make t all about herself - why should it upset her that your ds had a nice time and left grandma some pics? What the f has that got to do with her?

I wonder why you are visiting your GM at all.

She's the type to have held her child by the throat against a wall. Your aunt and mother were made by her.

Is your GM aware of your visits? How bad is the dementia?

Does her age and dementia allow you to pretend to yourself that you have a nice family member?

You say you are trying to disengage but you are keeping yourself engaged. Only you can cut the ties to the poison.

Yes she is aware of my visits. She remembers me usually when I go. But she can’t remember what happened yesterday or what she had to eat.

You ask an interesting question though @rabbitsarepoison. I’ve thought that myself lately. In the last few years before grandad died I didn’t visit them much because they’d get funny if you turned up when they wanted to watch something/ have a cup of tea etc. I didn’t feel v welcome. But when grandad died and I saw how sad grandma was I remembered how during my childhood they’d been the only loving family I had. I guess in a similar way to how my mum was a shite mum but a loving grandmother, they were the same. It’s a confusing web.

Quite, @cloudyapples.

They weren't loving. They were slightly less horrific than the other adults.

I haven’t had much experience of real love to be honest so I’m probably not the best judge.