Just had a shitty text exchange with my aunt. Hand hold needed.

[LukeSkywalkerBoots]

Her: I'm really happy that you visiting Gramdma but please could you give a bit of thought before filling her room with pictures from your ds, I find it upsetting knowing that you are able to see your Grandma whilst he cannot see his! It's not just you and your mum effected by this situation it's all of us. Xxx

(‘Filling his room’= 3 pictures he drew when we visited her that were left in a pile on a table.)

Me: Right, firstly he drew the pictures for grandma while he was sitting right next to her so unless you want me to chuck them in the bin in front of him I don't have much option but to leave them do I? Secondly he is very happy and fine thank you and not pining for my mum. Thirdly she is the cause of this situation, she allowed a violent bully to abuse and intimidate me for 13 years which caused a lifetime of upset and mental health problems so for all her upset now at us being estranged she certainly didn't care at the time. And she didn't give a shit when she stuck two fingers up at us by turning up uninvited at my sons nativity play. So the buck stops with her I'm afraid. All of it stops with her. And I don't wish to discuss it any further.

Her: Trust me I'm not condoning her turning up to the nativity. And I'm not saying he can't do a picture for Great Grandma - I am tying to say that this 'situation' has ripples effecting the whole family ... at a time when we are still fucking mourning our dad. And as you say I have no desire to discuss this any further either

Me: People do not choose to not see their mum anymore for no reason. I've nearly killed myself over this crap so many times. My whole life has been completely ruined. All because of her. If you'd been there you would know that. All you've heard is her self-serving 'I was the victim' rubbish which is absolute crap.

Her: I'm not denying any of that I'm really not, I'm not saying she's perfect, but you invited her into his life for all this years and now you've cut her off, it's like she mourning! I'm the only sister with grandchildren that can really understand and it's me turns to, I can't cope with any more of it, not right now. Xx

Me: I won't ever visit grandma again, clearly once again I have to suffer and bow out of the family when i didn't do anything but try to cope.

Her: No no no I didn't mean that, don't think that for a minute, I'm having a shit day, two weeks since the funeral and I just randomly thought I could text you and I'm sorry - ignore stupid fucking Aunty ——-.

I’ve laid in bed bawling my eyes out for the last half hour.

Ps I didn’t ‘invite’ my mum into my sons life, she suddenly got super eager to be around when I had him when her interest was at best intermittent before and she wasn’t there for me when I was very unwell and suicidal.

OP if both your DM and Aunt are so awful esp re the DS face in dirt incident over an ice lolly could this maybe mean that your GM and her husband were like this towards your DM and aunt, in which case in their minds they can't understand why it's ok to see GM who maybe is the cause of their behaviour in the first place.

And as a grandchild you are perhaps one step removed from GM behaviour towards them.
This obviously is just a theory so don't take to much credence by it.

Ps I would block them all

Block them all. See grandma when it’s suits you, I’m sure you can phone firs to make sure they are not there?

Get help for your mental distress and try to move forward. Easily said, but it is your only hope.

((HUG))

What a dreadful time you’ve had with your father, your mother, your step dad & god knows how many others family members...you poor thing. It’s beyond awful how they have treat you.

I would advise keeping your Aunt blocked, you don’t need that shit.

Your Grandmother - what is she/was she like? IF she’s lovely and you want to visit her, then do. Ring the place she’s in to see if she has any visitors before you go in, if it’s a small enough place and practical, ask if they can call you if they see your ‘family’ arriving. Don’t worry about asking, they’re all too familiar with horrible family dynamics. IF, however, she isn’t lovely & you go out of a sense of duty, stop going.

Your DH - what is he honestly like? Are you able to be objective about his behaviour do you think, or might you think he’s ‘great’ simply because he’s not as bloody awful as your ‘family’?

Do you have friends?

What’s have your therapists advised?

Sorry for so many questions, but I don’t want to make suggestions without knowing more about the people you have around you.

You sound lovely, but understandably SO hurt and in such a bad place. You don’t deserve any of that. In spite of everything else, you and your DS are a team, you love, want and need each other. You can build your life around healing yourself and loving your DS. You really can. You can’t change or undo the deep seated damage you’re fucjed up Family has caused, but you CAN learn that YOU are worth more, and you CAN be happy. 🌷

Oh god Luke I'm sorry. I understand.
There was no need for her to pick on you and her justification for it is ridiculous

Luke

I've recommended this book before and it might be helpful

A Woman In Your Own Right - Assertiveness and You,

I think you were perfectly assertive in that interaction but the hard part is not succumbing afterwards to the inbred guilt about doing it

Mirri

I agree to some extent, but the OP has the right to say she doesn't need anyone to mediate her relationship with others. It is for her aunt to deal with her own upset in her own way. OP's first duty is to herself and her son

@knittedfairies you make an interesting point.

@idadown she lives in a care home. She doesn’t know what went on and she has dementia.

Some really powerful advice here

I too would have tried to state my case in the past, correct the wrongs that toxic people were spitting out

But they deliberately DISTORT things to get you to feed into their need for drama and attention.

i to have learned to disengage totally and let them apparenlty think what they want to think. the truth doesn't matter to them, it serves them no purpose. the key to this is YOU finding the truth and getting comfort from knowing that they are deluding themselves so that they can pass themselves off as normal caring people.
Now you have cut off "stupid fucking aunty" , once the poison leaves your system you will start to feel stronger and better.

Don't EVER let anyone make you feel weaker and poisoned again.

She literally used the death of their father as an excuse for both her and your M to bully you. it's not even relevant to your discussion, but people like her will use things to force others to accept being treated badly, because they get off on it.

Enough. You have turned the page, you have in fact closed the book.

Go to your GM whenever the fuck you like, let DS draw whatever he wants to and don't ever take another call or text or contact from either of them again.

Use the police/legal system if you have to.

Re what my grandma and grandad were like as parents- I know my grandad was strict and the kids had to leg it up the stairs to get away from him hitting them. And I know my grandad wanted my mum to abort me when she was pregnant. And I know my grandma got my mum around the throat against the wall when she was around 20. I don’t know much more than that.

What’s my dh like? He’s flawed like anyone but he has supported me through all this for 20 years and I would not still be alive if it wasn’t for him.

I have one friend (we relocated a few years ago) and she is my rock. I tend to keep to myself as I don’t trust people.

The last therapist I saw told me to keep welcoming my mum into my life even though I was having dreadful panic attacks where I couldn’t breathe over it. There was a massive thread about it on here and everyone said she was mental.

the only way to win is to stop playing.

Can I share this Dr Seuss quote?

Oh & no decent therapist would advise you to maintain contact with such people.

I think your aunt sounds immature and unpleasant and, given how fragile you are, you're right to cut her off now. If you were in a better place, I would say it's positive that she was able to wind her neck in a bit when you told her to. But clearly she is emotionally abusive and it would be great if you were able to let go of anything they think about you - surely there would be something wrong if such horrible people approved of you? But I know it's not that easy.

There’s some really great food for thought on this thread. Thank you.

Earlier when in the midst of this exchange with aunt 1 I sent aunt 2 a message saying I won’t visit any more as it’s clear I’m not welcome and I won’t pester her anymore to find out when I ‘can’ go. No reply.

It was obvious aunt 1 and my mother were being consulted about when I ‘could’ go to visit because aunt 2 was being cagey about it and also said I couldn’t go one day because she and aunt 1 were going.

luke I saw your previous thread about the therapist - and they were indeed being stupid. But please don't write off all therapy and all therapists because you got a baddun.

Doctors often misdiagnose, but people still tend to return to other doctors in the future. It should be the same way with therapists. Get a duff one, then ditch them and find someone you can work with.

I don't understand how these aunts are in control of when you see your GM? Can you just go when you want to and ignore them?

Please don't stop seeing your nan. It sounds very stressful, I'd also say, don't give them any thought and let them ruin your life, but that's easier said than done 💐💐💐💐💐

It started because I asked aunt 2 when I could visit gm so I didn’t bump into my mum. And so it went on. But then it became clear I was also being arranged around everyone else too. She was nice about it but she’s just like they are really, was really mean to my cousin when she was growing up and really messed up her head. I’ve blocked my entire family on my phone now.

I personally think Aubrey sounds like she doesn't know what to do or think. She's stuck by what's right and being there for her sister who she obviously cares for.

I don't think her actions are out of nastiness but misplaced loyalty to your Mum. Also like she's said, she's mourning her Dad.

I do think you saying I won't visit Grandma is quite manipulative though. It's not Grandmas fault what's transpired.

I think the best thing is for you both to not engage further. You're both hurting and you've made a difficult and IMO correct decision to cut your mother out of your lives.

Don't allow anyone to hurt you over that. If you have to engage just say "It was the right decision for us." Then leave it there.

Sorry you've lost your Grandad 💐

Sorry may not have made my post clear. Her comment was not out of nastiness. She does herself sound like a vile person though.

It wasn’t meant manipulatively, it came out of despair that I was being attacked yet again.

Sorry to hear you have had such a shit time of it OP. It seems you have a very small support network and had some very bad advice. Well done for finding the courage to go NC with your Mum, I know how difficult that decision can be. WRT the text from your Aunt, what she is saying is extremely passive aggressive and controlling! I'm sure you know that though. Don't play into her 'woe is me' BS and feel any upset or guilt because your DS did something lovely for DGGM when she is probably feeling very low herself. It seems like a generation of your family is f'ed up for one reason or another, and if I were you I would set up good communication with DGM (assuming she knows when ppl will be visiting) and bypass your Aunts all together. Anyway, I hope you're feeling more positive now, good luck